i woke up at 0630 with so much difficulty and i am so tired right now. i work tonight at 1900 and am doing a little experiment --- i'm calling it Sleep Training.
i've not had coffee this morning. perhaps why i'm so tired, and i'm knee deep in finishing my Shock lecture. then, i have some case studies to do online, perhaps some videos to watch, and i will let myself sleep. (hopefully i can, oh i hope i can!) this semester is just so different--with teaching myself the material and then studying it second. i feel behind, and yet as one of my dear classmates reminded me yesterday, i am actually studying while learning the material. oh yeah! maybe i'm not so behind after all!
i hope i can get good rest today---tonight is my first 12-hour shift at night. so far i've only done 8's. yikes! to say i'm nervous, well, i think i'm always nervous when i work....it's exciting, too, though, and i am learning a lot. it is very hands on! the RN i'm working with goes fast! and, i find myself going a touch slower so i can really be thorough and double-check myself. i don't want to make any mistakes! it's exciting work and i'm really enjoying my preceptorship so far.
i am feeling a little crunched about all the work ahead of me, and i know at the same time i'm totally taken care of when i put my stress and my fear in god's hands. it's been a wonderful reminder to focus on TODAY. i had some tears yesterday during my management class's break---this whole resume getting a job thing stresses me out terribly! and you know what? i don't have to focus on that right now. my footwork is studying, passing, learning the material, graduating and passing NCLEX. that will get me to the eventual goal of working as an RN.
i have amazing friends. last night i met Leta for tea and it was great. it turned into me basically barfing on her all the stress i've been feeling the past few weeks...what a great listener she is! she reminded me that i get to enjoy not being a nurse right now! i get to enjoy this education. ENJOY. oh yeah! ENJOY THIS! and this morning i spoke with my darling friend Beth about being present in the moment. such a terrific reminder, too. i get to truly TRUST my higher power's with me in the moment. what a blessing! when i focus on what's right in front of me to do, i am so so so blessed with lack of fear about the future, getting a job, all that stuff.
it's funny. i graduate may 15, 2010. at 1pm, in case you're interested. :) and i had this idea all this hard work would mean on may 16 my life would immediately change and i would be working as an RN and be done with this school thing. that silly story i told myself is beginning to change. it's probably not going to look that way. more outcome stuff i get to ask god to relieve from me.
this is such a fascinating journey i'm on.
off to study more!
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