Monday, July 14, 2008
"Allow nothing to disturb your calm heart with Me. Stop all work until this is restored. Do not let those about you spoil your peace of heart and mind."
I want to crawl under a blanket and cry relief my Higher Power is with me at all times. I am participating in behaviors that are compromising my state of mind, and when my state of mind is not functioning at it's normal 'high level of insanity' I am confused, lost, uncertain. I guess really, there are no mistakes. It is hard to acknowledge when I feel I am mistake after mistake after mistake.
How do I learn and believe and trust wholeheartedly there is good in me? Is it fully my Higher Power's job and it will come when I'm entirely ready to believe there is a blessed creature within me? Why is this my challenge...the root core of all hurt is I'm not good enough. I'm not 'right' enough. I'm most definitely not 'perfect' enough. If I continue to live in this manner, I will encircle around me all the negative, I won't be able to breathe, and I will succumb to desperation and hopelessness. And, perhaps, that is the point...To be entirely desperate and hopeless to actually let my Higher Power in.
For today, I am going to stop at nothing to alleviate my hurting heart. I am going to allow God into my heart. God is going to restore me to peace, love and sanity. I will strive for serenity today.
ps...On a really good note, I got my copy of Geek Love from the library again. I was nearly done and had to return it on it's due date---someone else wanted it badly, too...it was on hold!---The library system in Prescott is great, tho', and my next requested copy was in my hands in three short days. Excited to finish it up. The new David Sedaris is waiting patiently for me, as is book three in my favorite vampire/werewolf trilogy. Ooooh! And, get this! itunes was giving away The Alchemist on audio FOR FREEEEEE! So excited to have an audio book to listen to!! Been a long time since I've been able to treat myself to something so fun...Read by Jeremy Irons, too....wow. Lucky girl.
oh, and psst....School's going great. It's demanding on my schedule but the material is very manageable and I feel like I'm learning to nurse. Very exciting stuff.
Friday, July 04, 2008
"Messages" was the last song to one of the Weeds episodes I was indulging in, and wow. I immediately HAD to know who was singing to me, and why on earth had I not heard of this artist before!
Imagine Jack Johnson & Ben Harper & Ben Lee playing the didgeridoo and jamming out without shoes on. Well, there ya go. A nice 'summed' up version of this goodness that is Xavier Rudd. But you know what? He's better than that.
I love new tunes!!
Oh! And, It's the Fourth of July. Go America. I spent the day enjoying more rain with the windows and doors open, reading Geek Love and watching Californication. I have been enjoying all this fabulous self time. It is soooo right on. Go Layla.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
See the photo?
That's what I want to be doing. Laying in bed with Sonja, reading books and relaxing. I don't want to do this work stuff that God has called of me. I don't want to participate. I just don't.
And I get to go to bed.
And, tomorrow is quite busy. And, I have a babe that I love, who reminds me to stay present with the task at hand. So, for tonight, I pout. I grunt. I am disgruntled. I feel aware of the glorious work before me, and quite aware and how much I am disinclined to participate.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
I did it.
Finished the Second Book of the Twilight series in record time...
I read the reviews of this book before I cracked it open and was apprehensive I wasn't going to be as pleased as I was with Twilight. False. This book was better than the first. That's right, folks. And there wasn't even any boinking! So much hand holding, so much looking with longing....far too much 'ohmygod, I'm going to die without him' talk, but you know what? This book is great!
I loved Bella's struggle. I loved how much I related to it. I loved the difference between Jacob & Edward. The hot and the cold. The difference in the creatures they become. The bond of family. The strength of love. There is such a creativity to this story, and it is exciting. I am so thrilled I have two more books left!!
I have the third, on my bookshelf waiting to be read. I also have seven chapters of Nursing Assistant text book to be read as well. So....Eclipse is going to wait.
READ THESE BOOKS.
Tell me what you think.
on a weather note...it rained today. Our third day (inconsecutive) of summer monsoon rain. I turned off the a/c in the house, opened the windows and let the air and rain and the thunder and the cool come right on in. I'm sticky as all hell right now. it sort of stopped raining so now it's 93% humid and man....ewwww. but i love it.
i love arizona. i love the summer here. (it's been a ridiculously mild summer to those of the past...OR...maybe i'm blissed out b/c the new house has central air...) whatever the case, this summer desert rain has been amazing, and i'm so thrilled to have today to enjoy it.
had my first panic attack in probably eight months yesterday. i feel sort of hungover from it. i'm VERY glad I don't work today, and I'm very thankful I could sleep off the clonopin and relax and read and get back into my own skin. I didn't go to a meeting today, intentionally. I am afraid of what that means, but also know the idea of going was very adverse...so I went with it. I struggle with what that means, exactly. But...I get to do the best I can, even if I think I can do better; I get to understand that my best sometimes looks worse than I think it should and that gets to be okay.
growth is hard. but reading is fun. Go get the Twilight series!