Reminder from God (v.4)

One thing I love about the Daily Reminder from God is putting into context and words what God would actually say to me.  Today's Daily Reminder is reminiscent of a thoughtful, loving, sweet God that is so excited about what is going to come into fruition in my life.  Even if there is delay, even if delay is part of God's plan, God is thrilled about who I am and who I am going to be.  God is thrilled with my life!  I enjoy delighting in my own life, and knowing God is just as excited about my next step as I am is so lovely, so calming, so reassuring!  Today's reminder also emphasizes how important it is I trust God--with everything.  God's plan can be my plan when I pause, take relish and behave calmly.  When I put faith into action, and trust God has my life.  God has my life in God's care!  What a gift!!

Here is today's reminder:

Love all My ways with you. Delay is not denial but my wonderful all-loving restraint. I can scarcely tolerate the delay.

Reminder from God (v.3)

Today's Reminder is hitting me up the head.  I am in a bit of a funk...not even really sure what I'm feeling but feeling nonetheless *shudder*.  Trying to keep my head up.  Taking care of my body by eating delicious food, but lacking the motivation to study. (That's probably where my funk is coming from.)  I wish my mind would quiet.  It's really quite busy today, and uggg....The adage 'Never go into your mind alone' is very applicable today.  Trying to remember to bring my Higher Power into my thoughts....Trying..

Here's the reminder from God today---appropriate, no?

If you only sat still and longed for Me, you would be so unruffled, so calm, so bold. Refuse to be downcast. Love and laugh. I am with you.

EXCITED!

Today's Daily Reflections got me so so so excited.
I am so ready for the miracle of working a thorough and complete 9th Step.  Things in my life are already propelling me forward--people from my past becoming part of my present so I can do as the 8th step suggests, and to quote the AA 12&12

...having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know. (emphasis mine).  

I have a deep, core excitement about allowing God to govern my life on this level and truly reveal to me what it look like to have the best possible relations with every human being we know.  On that note, I want to share the Daily Reflections for today.  It just makes me so excited about living this 12 Step life, having a program of recovery that has completely changed changed my life, and allowing myself to be in Partnership with a Power Greater than Myself.

Good judgement, a careful sense of timing, courage and prudence – these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Page 83

To make amends can be viewed two ways: first, that of repairing damage, for if I have damaged my neighbor’s fence, I “make a mend,” and that is a direct amend; the second way is by modifying my behavior, for if my actions have harmed someone, I make a daily effort to cause no further harm. I “mend my ways,” and that is an indirect amend. Which is the best approach? The only right approach, provided that I am causing no further harm in so doing, is to do both. If harm is done, then I simply “mend my ways.” To take action in this manner assures me of making honest amends

These past relationships coming into my life are such a gift--I am being given the opportunity to "mend my ways."  I get to show up in the best possible way to have the best possible relations with every human being.  And that means the human beings in my past where the relationship didn't end as gracefully or sweetly as I would have liked.  (Though, on that note, do relationships ever end gracefully?? And, then, I'm reminded of Nate, and yes! Relationships can end gracefully!!)

Feeling grateful today, ready to embark on this adventure of serious action step-work and doing some NCLEX practice questions over and over and over and over again.....


Happy Monday.

Reminder from God

More perfect timing from this daily reminder

When things do not work out as you planned, then smile at Me and say "Have Your Way then". Knowing that My Loving response will be the best for you.

I love the Surrender of allowing God to have God's way.

perfect timing.

Today's Reminder from God is spot on!
I leave in an hour for a job interview---

Trust in Me and leave to Me the choosing of the day and hour, then My miracle-working Power is made manifest.

There is something beautiful about today--is it things are falling into place?  is it the delicious apple I'm eating from finally at last apples are in season New Frontier's?   is it the beautiful kiddos I was able to be around today??

I'm not sure but today feels peaceful, calm and wonderful, and I am filled with joy.

sweet.

From today's Reminder from God:

Be calm, assured, at rest. 

I love you.

I find a great comfort in hearing God say these words to me right now.  Paternal, loving, and kind, and most of all, welcome to my ears in this moment.

Grateful For What I Have.

Today's Daily Reflections is so spot on!

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.12 & 12, p. 75

Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need also to ask for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will. Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

I am having a fabulous time in Switzerland.  It's days filled with amazing company, whole foods nourishing my body, and the scenery and air that is revitalizing my breath!  I'm hiking so much and am very active.  My body is responding hugely to this lifestyle.

In all of it, I'm very grateful.  My prayers to God are consistently of the 'thank you, thank you, thank you, God' variety.  It's a beautiful space to be in.

With that said, I am trying to not go to the place where I'm aware I don't have much of a job to come home to, my finances are just about gone, and I'm not sure what's going to happen with my roommate or my home. Do I move to San Diego?? Do I try to stay in Prescott?  Will the NCLEX people get my Able To Test code to me so I can pick my stinking test date?!?!

In all of that, I'm realizing it's ESSENTIAL I find the gratitude to stay in today, be humble, and seek the next indicated thing from my higher power.  Today, the next indicated thing is to help some kiddos with snack time, and enjoy the cool mountain air, the clouds, these Alpine peaks.

I'm doing my best to let go of my fear and to remember that Faith replaces Fear.  Thank Goodness....

I hope you all are doing well, enjoying wherever it is you are.

I finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson and HIGHLY recommend it and now, this Arizona girl is finally getting her hands on some Edward Abbey.  I've started Desert Solitaire and so far, HOOKED...

I leave you with this Edward Abbey quote, from The Journey Home:

There are some good things to be said about walking. Not many, but some. Walking takes longer, for example, than any other known form of locomotion except crawling. Thus it stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed. I have a friend who's always in a hurry; he never gets anywhere. Walking makes the world much bigger and thus more interesting. You have time to observe the details. The utopian technologists foresee a future for us in which distance is annihilated. … To be everywhere at once is to be nowhere forever, if you ask me

I think I've found a new favorite in the radical and influential Mr. Abbey.  Excited!! I hope to share more about hiking in this amazing place, and to share the experiences I've been having.  Time and a wobbly internet connection keeps me unable...For now, know I'm thankful for friendships that last, despite distance and time away.

LOVE!

God timing.

From today's Daily Reflections

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 76

When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This “evil and corroding thread” is the root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of others’ opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power, who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of A.A. in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, and then I ask God to relieve me of that fear.

 God is amazing to me.....I love that my life experience can be one of freedom and joy when I recognize fear does not have to rule me.
I do NOT have to be afraid.

impatiently intolerant.

I canceled a much anticipated hang out sesh with a dear friend last night because I was overcome with an angry, awful, horrible, no-good, very bad mood.  I hung up the phone initially horribly guilty to have canceled with  my sweet friend, and then, I realized, I'm totally taking care of myself....It's hard to admit my vulnerability.  So hard to admit....

Last night, instead of hanging out with Beth, I came home, took off my bra, got into comfy's and watched a disc of Mad Men while drinking glass after glass of ice cold water.  I turned OFF my phone.  I didn't contact with anyone except my sweet Sonja girl, whom I am convinced KNOWS I'm leaving for two months and she's soaking up all my sweet pets to her as much as possible.  I feel horribly guilty for leaving my cat.  (I believe that will be another post entirely.)

So, Today's Daily Reflections says about all I could ever say.  I am so grateful for the daily readers and how well they pinpoint EXACTLY what I'm going through.

We reacted more strongly to frustrations than normal people. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 111

Impatience with other people is one of my principal failings. Following a slow car in a no-passing lane, or waiting in a restaurant for the check, drives me to distraction. Before I give God a chance to slow me down, I explode, and that’s what I call being quicker than God. That repeated experience gave me an idea. I thought if I could look down on these events from God’s point of view, I might better control my feelings and behavior. I tried it and when I encountered the next slow driver, I levitated and looked down on the other car and upon myself. I saw an elderly couple driving along, happily chatting about their grandchildren. They were followed by me–bug eyed and red of face–who had no time schedule to meet anyway. I looked so silly that I dropped back into reality and slowed down. Seeing things from God’s angle of vision can be very relaxing.

Now, I'm off to say my prayers, make some coffee, have a shower, and then off to hang out with some sweet little girls ready to have fun in the Summer sun.  

I really am blessed, even if my mood doesn't cooperate.  

fearfearfear.

I have a lot to do and only eleven days to do it.
Thankfully, my schedule is really open and free to get things done.
On the flip side, an open schedule means I'm not earning money and that makes me fearful.

This is Today's God Calling

Courage. Courage. Courage.

Fear nothing. Rejoice even in the darkest place.

So, I'm reminded today to have Courage.
To Fear Nothing.
That even in my darkest place I will Rejoice.

In this moment, that calms me a bit.  Not a lot, but enough to get dressed for the day and be present for the girls that are scheduled with me today.  I am so blessed to do something I love so intensely and something I'm good at.

I have loads of fear that leaving for two months will cause me to disappear.  I'll just disappear, people!  I'm terrified I'll come back not knowing anything, I'll miss the Arizona Monsoons which I love so dearly, and I'll be broke and homeless.

On that note, I dreamed last night I traveled to Dominican Republic and got lost, but found my way.  I was with a friend I'm not friends with anymore and we were having a great time.  I wasn't afraid of being in a strange place, not knowing the language or what highway leads where.  I was just having a joyful time.

My dreams are on track!  I can be uncertain and in a new, unfamiliar place.  I can tempt my heart with fear, but really??  I know how to act courageously.  And, in the acting, the courage comes.

life on life's terms.

Last night, I had a great, tiring shift at the hospital.  It was very slow.  I took care of two 'couplets.'  Mama's and babies...No deliveries happened and it was a super quiet night.

I worked with a different RN, and it was an awesome experience--my hope and faith have been restored in my field and I will continue this journey.  (At least that's how I feel right now.)

I should have been done last night.  Given all the scheduling I've done for my preceptorship, last night should have been my last shift.  My instructor came in this morning as shift was ending and said, excitedly, "You're done, right?"

"No. I'm not done.  I have 30 more hours."

I am almost going to that shoulding on myself space where I wish it were different than it is.

I also know myself well.  I know I needed the time off I took, instead of working my shifts.  I don't feel this preceptorship has been very indicative of 'real world nursing' as my school promises because I'm completely involved in my course work at the same time.  I don't feel I've shown up with the most honorable work ethic because I have a lot on my plate.  I'm aware of all of this.

I came home this morning around 0745, washed my face, took a shower, and climbed into bed.  I prayed as I was falling to sleep that I could sleep straight until 1400.  My first wake up time was 1045.  (Not the elusive 1400.)  Then, I woke up again at 1145, and managed after a little potty break to sleep all the way to 1330!!!  YAY!  I was so thrilled when I rolled over and saw on the clock I made it to afternoon!  Wahooooo!!  I stayed in bed til 1430 and now, have had coffee, "breakfast"  and even laid out in the sunshine of this Brisk Spring Day for some solid Vitamin D synthesis.

I got good rest.  While I was laying in bed deciding if I could sleep more or if getting up was my next action, I meditated on what I was feeling.  My should thoughts kept coming up--how I should be done with my preceptorship, should be done studying all my content, should have my part of our communication project completed by now, should should should should should.  

With all the shoulds I meditated on what it would mean if I truly LET GO of how I was feeling.  I took some deeeeeep breaths.  I put my left hand on my heart and my right hand on my belly and breathed.

I imagined myself on this wind current, traveling through the What Is.

I imagined what it would be like if I didn't attach myself to my feelings.  I imagined that serenity-space that could so delicately embrace me if I weren't trying so forcefully to have things be different than they are.

I prayed.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;  unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  (From Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, p. 449)

For today, I am willing to let go of the feelings I have around school, nursing, working hard, relationships.  For this moment, I embrace the action of living life on life's terms, welcome my Higher Power into my soul and seek the moment.

From July 30 in One Day At A Time in Al-Anon

This day belongs to me.  I can do wonderful things with it, creative things, including the creation of order in my surroundings and in my mind.  Nobody else owns my particular segment of time, so it depends only on me how well I will fill every moment to my satisfaction.  Al-Anon tells me to live one day at a time.  This is that day

Just for today I will be unafraid.  Especially I will be unafraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

I'm off to play with darling girls, Sira & Kidney, and one sweet Mineral. :)

self-diagnosis.

I am a bit deficient in attention this morning.  One could say I'm sufferin' with the ADD.

I've been sitting here the past hour and a half popping from blog to pandora to god-awful face book to my journal in front of me back to my email and all over the place.  I'm completely lacking focus.

I just read this from today's One Day At A Time in Al-Anon:

But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives.  Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation.  It means accepting the fact of a situation and then deciding what we will do about it.  

Fighting futility is just a waste of energy, Samantha.  Either do something or quit fretting--Celebra Tueli.

Well, thank you.  I accept my deficient attention and focus.  I choose to focus now on what I can change--I'm going to blog about my unrest and then put on a lecture and get my brain to studying.

Sometimes when I read my daily readers, I feel they are just for me, just for the moment I'm in.  It is eerie, coincidental and god-given.

From today's Courage To Change

"Anything worth doing," goes a slightly cock-eyed version of the old saying, "is worth doing badly."  Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis are three of the worst effects of alcoholism upon my life.  

If I'm unwilling to perform a task badly, I can't expect to make progress toward learning to do it well.  The only task I can pretend to perform perfectly is the one I have left entirely undone.  

I have seen how my perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis has prevented me from growing this past week.  I have shown up for a lot and I have allowed myself to not show up for some things.  I feel vulnerable and delicate.  My health isn't consistent.  Some days I feel like a million bucks and some days I feel weak and frail.  I have been saying for about three months that this coming up is going to be really hard work.  "Soon, I'll be working really hard."

I had the realization yesterday that NOW is the time I'm working really hard.  It's NOW.  It's not coming up.  It's NOW.

With the Nate, I've had lots of talks about Present Moment Awareness.  (I personally like that the acronym for Present Moment Awareness is the same as Positive Mental Attitude.  How synonymous they are!)  For this new relationship, my focus is a lot on being completely in the moment.  It is very difficult.  I want to go to that far away place of planning, future daydreaming, excitement.   In a lot of ways, that's how I've been viewing these last few weeks of the semester---Oh, I have 14 DAYS left to work hard.  Focusing entirely on what the future will bring...

My error in thinking is it's about the NOW.  With Nate, it's about fostering the relationship TODAY.  With school, it's about working hard IN THIS MOMENT.

Yes.  I will be done with my academic requirements for graduation in 14 days.  Yes.  I will see Nate in 7 days.  Really, though, it's the choices I make today that truly matter, that truly define my integrity and humanity.  When I can surrender to this moment, admit my powerlessness, and accept exactly where I am, I get to let go of my attachment to what will be and start being in the What Is.

Good Orderly Direction.

From today's Daily Reflections

It is when we try to make our will conform with God’s that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A.’s Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door.TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 40

All I have to do is look back at my past to see where self-will has led me. I just don’t know what’s best for me and I believe my Higher Power does. G.O.D., which I define as “Good Orderly Direction,” has never let me down, but I have let myself down quite often. Using my self-will in a situation usually has the same result as forcing the wrong piece into a jigsaw puzzle–exhaustion and frustration. Step Three opens the door to the rest of the program. When I ask God for guidance I know that whatever happens is the best possible situation, things are exactly as they are supposed to be, even if they aren’t what I want or expect. God does for me what I cannot do for myself, if I let Him.

God is soooooo good it wells me up with tears.  I am beyond grateful for my relationship with my Higher Power.  So grateful.  

proof.

God must have gone to nursing school and gone through all the positive stress of graduation, eventual Switzerland travel, depleting savings accounts, licensure exams, finals, intern shifts in the early morning hours, and the big uncertain of life to come.

I say this because these were some of the words in the March 2 Daily Reflections:

Too many times discouragement has been the bonus for unrealistic expectations, not to mention self-pity or fatigue from my wanting to change the world by the weekend. Discouragement is a warning signal that I may have wandered across the God line. The secret of fulfilling my potential is in acknowledging my limitations and believing that time is a gift, not a threat.

Hope is the key that unlocks the door of discouragement.

Having come to believe that I keep what I share, every time I encourage, I receive courage. 

I trudge the road of happy destiny. May I always remember that the power within me is far greater than any fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right road.

I'm grateful for these words, to reflect on them from yesterday's reading and be overcome with calm at the adventure ahead of me.  I'm grateful for evening walks with a darling friend, a friend levelheaded and able to listen and hear me completely; she lets me listen and hear her completely, too.  I'm grateful for such hard and deep sleep that when I awake at 0720, I smile, stretch and feel such joy at a night of awesome rest.  I'm grateful for the day ahead--the eventual latte I'll make, the nourishing food I'll take in, the kiddos I adore whom I get to spend time with, and the afternoon of studying I have ahead.

It's amazing what nine hours of sleep can do for one's outlook, that combined with a successful exam score, completion of assignments, and some outside exercise.  All is really good in this moment.  I have hope.

Mysterious Paradoxes.

From today's Daily Reflections, 

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.

This post is so well-said I want to leave it alone.  I do want to add why I'm posting it:

Yesterday 'should' have been a perfect day.  I had an in-service at the hospital that was rewarding and educational.  The meeting at noon was amazing---about making decisions.  God knows I need to hear all about that! Then, I treated myself to a massage and it was amazing---really phenomenal.  There were parts of my body I've never thanked God for, while they were being massaged--like my mandible, my cheek bones, the muscles that connect my cheeks to my jaw.  I thanked God for my liver and my soas.  It was a really beautiful therapy.

And, then, I got home and CRASHED.  My mood crashed, my health crashed, my appreciation for the day and my zeal crashed.  All of it.  I got physically sick, which was uncomfortable.  I couldn't decide what to eat, and I was probably over hungry and in need of calories.  I was Crabigail McGrumpelstein.

I looked at the calendar a few times and did the count on my finger math---is this PMS?? Is there a pill I can take for this crappy attitude I have?

The beauty of the Paradox lies there.  I didn't take anything for my crappy mood.  I just was in it.  I accepted my mood for crappy.  I  made sure I didn't surround myself with people so as to not hurt anyone with  my crummy mood.  I took care of myself.

This part of the reading really spoked to me:

When I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength

I faced my Crab, accepted, and left it.  I didn't try to fix it.  Sometimes, I can do everything 'right' and still feel crappy.  Some days I'm going to be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with this fact; other days, like yesterday, I'm going to shrug my shoulders, thank God for giving me one more day to live, and just breathe.

the ballet's been canceled.

due to weather.
those Russian ballerina's (what's a male ballet dancer called?) didn't make it to Prescott due to weather.
Weather.
hrmphf.

I think it's a blessing, though.  I was worried tonight was going to be a long one and instead, I'm meeting my older gentleman friend for dinner in a bit, and then, done for the night.  I need to get some good rest.  I worked hard today and was just go go go go go go. It was so one of those days.  I'm ready for a good dinner and then a quiet night to prep for a very busy tomorrow.

I read this quote today in one of my daily readers, One Day at a Time, and it took the breath out of me.

"For though we are made especially for the sake of one another, still each of us has his own tasks.  Otherwise another's faults would harm me, which God has not willed, in order that my happiness may not depend on another."  --Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 

Whoa.
The reading talked about detachment and not doing for others what they can do for themselves.  And, I thought this quote so succinct and direct.

We are made to be in relationship with one another.  We buoy each other up, support each other, are blessings to those we encounter.  Yet, we cannot do for another what they can do for themselves.  It robs the other of their dignity.  It prevents the other from showing up wholly, humanly, fully.  We have our own tasks.  We must focus on our own tasks even if we're in relationship with others.  Otherwise, the bad of another person (there is good and bad in all of us, I believe) would harm us.  God does not wish our happiness, and on the flip side, our sadness, be dependent on another person.

I just feel so empowered by this simple statement.

Off to have a most delicious dinner.

being made into a champion....

Thursday, January 28, 2010 

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning

I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing towards being a champion.              —Billie Jean King

Champions are made. How lucky we are to have the Steps to guide us to become champions. The program promises us self-awareness, but we have to put forth the effort. And the process isn't always easy. We have liabilities, all of us, and it's generally easier to see them than our assets. Self-awareness is recognizing both. To become a champion, whether as an athlete, a homemaker, a teacher, a secretary, or an attorney, is to maximize the assets and minimize the liabilities, but to accept the existence of both. The program that we share offers us daily opportunities to know ourselves, to help other women know themselves, and to strengthen our assets along the way. We can feel our assets growing, and it feels good. We can see our liabilities diminish, and it feels good. The program offers us a championship.

I can strengthen my assets, first by knowing them, and then by emphasizing them repeatedly. I'll focus on one today.

thought for the day can be accessed here. 


I am sleeping really poorly these past few nights.  I am waking well rested which is hugely confusing to my body.  I'm waking every two to three hours, wide awake, able to go back to sleep, only to wake up in another two to three hours.  The only thing that is different about my intake is I was continuing to take the Grapefruit Seed Extract despite feeling better, so today I haven't taken any.  I'm hoping that jolt to my immune system was the cause for poor sleeping, but really have no clue!  It's rare for me to have trouble sleeping, and when I do it throws me off. 


Hence my post from Each Day A New Beginning.  It just really applies to me today!  I set my alarm for 0530 to get up and hit the 0600 spin class.  I was so disoriented from my crummy sleep I didn't get up.  Until 0645. Thankfully, I felt well rested so I was able to make coffee, breakfast and have some quiet journal time.  I am feeling way overwhelmed! Stressed! My class load is heavier than it ever has been while in Nursing School and I'm also doing night shifts at the hospital one to two days a week and working as a nanny.  Why I think I can do it all and do it perfectly is just my own misconception.  


I have serious perfection/procrastination issues.  If I can't do it perfectly, I don't do it.  I know this about myself.  And, I'm so grateful for this awareness about my own character defects, character liabilities.  I can turn these liabilities into assets!  Like the reading said, "I can strengthen my assets, first by knowing them, and then by emphasizing them repeatedly. I'll focus on one today."  I am going to emphasize repeatedly today my positive attitude and my ability to show up and participate.  Just by showing up I let go of my procrastination.  Participating in my day and showing up to the best of my ability helps me let go of whatever perfection I'm hanging on to.  


I had some really great quiet time where I listed everything that was getting me down: not exercising, not sleeping well, this whole which iPod to purchase debacle, making time to study, making time to get organized, feeling fear about the future, feeling fear about doing it all--working for money, working for my internship, saying yes to certain things (like the Grand Canyon February 12...I just don't know if I should go!).  The list was long!  And, then I prayed.  I asked my Higher Power, whom I call God, to just take these things from me.  These fears and concerns are getting in my way of showing up and participating.  These fears are causing me to focus on how imperfect I am, therefore encouraging my procrastination.  (Because, again, if I can't do it perfectly, I'm way more hesitant to even start, if I ever do.)  I put my list in my God Box and left it at that.  


Then, I read today's reading in Each Day A New Beginning.  It was like this huge hug and gift from God.  Like, whoa.  I get to focus on my positive assets today.  I get to acknowledge how far I've come and realize the more I focus on the positive about today, what I can bring to this day that is GOOD AND AWESOME, the more IN THE MOMENT I WILL BE.   I had a couple hours with a little guy this morning, and I got to show up for him.  I didn't think about my stresses.  I didn't think about any of it.  I showed up.  And I feel so much better.  My work shift this afternoon has been canceled due to more sickness.  (Prayers to this family for the sickness they've been fighting the past month! YIKES!!)  I feel like this cancellation is a blessing, even if it's a bummer for this sweet family.  I now have the afternoon to study and get organized.  


And possibly go to Old Navy to buy a dress for the Ballet tomorrow with my 25% off coupon.  Did I mention I'm going to the Ballet?? 


Life really is good once I get out of my head and into the moment.  

We Absolutely Insist On Enjoying Life.

"The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before."
From Daily Reflections,  January 24

I'm in the middle of an overnight shift with three little Love girls.  They're sleeping, still, this morning, which is lovely.  They're getting some good rest in.  The littlest one cried out a couple times in the night, which is common for her and I usually don't get very good sleep when I work overnights (not the hospital kind, where I have to stay awake, but the nanny kind, where I get to sleep!) because I'm so worried I'll sleep too hard and not hear the kiddos should I need to.  Thankfully, though, I went to bed at 930p so I was ready for good rest.  When little Love cried out at 330a and again at 530a I was feeling okay.  And, now, having woken up at 7a, I'm good!  Coffee's made and I have toast in my belly.  I feel well rested.

I wish I had my camera cord to post photos of the view I have...There are hardly any clouds in the sky!  It is so gorgeous and now, cooooolllllddddd!!! outside this morning.  Rosie bounded outside chipper and ready for the day and gosh! It's cold, but all the snow, and actual sunlight gracing her presence this morning---such a delightful treat!  I didn't realize it had been four days since I'd seen sun until yesterday when I spoke with a good friend about the lonely's I have been feeling. 

The thing about the lonely's is this:  it's just a feeling.  And, it usually passes as, thank goodness, all feelings do.  The thoughts I muster up and the ideas that rush through my head about getting rid of the feeling--man!  Some of the things scare me because I think I'm healthier than that.  Some of the things don't surprise me at all because lonely is an incredibly uncomfortable feeling.  It's hard to admit 'lonely' because I feel I should be just a-o-k withouth the companionship of another human being.

I got this confused early in my recovery---that we should never feel lonely because we're never alone.  That's where I was mistaken.  And, the growth I'm experiencing in this current bout of lonely:  I am not alone.  I feel it joyfully in the friends I have to reach out to, the work that keeps me busy, sweet Rosie to entertain me with her white fur caked with even whiter snow, and a darling roommate who is positive and kind.  In addition I have this internal force.  This drive.  This relationship full of sustaining glory.  The relationship I have with my higher power truly reinforces my belief I am not alone.  But....OH BUT....All of this goodness showing how not alone I am does not save me from the creeping and sometimes sinking feeling of loneliness.

Hence my early-in-recovery mistake:  I can be lonely, even though I am not alone. 

Thank goodness it's just a feeling and I don't have to act on it.

I don't have to reach out to people from my past with whom I no longer have relationships.  My lonely calls to them because those relationships were unhealthy.  It's interesting.  When I'm lonely, I long for the people in my life with whom I was unhealthy.  I tapped into that understanding yesterday, and it was this brilliant light lift:  Lonely is just a feeling.  It does not mean I am alone, as I know in my core, I am not.  It is just a feeling.

Where my growth comes is how I act with that feeling.  Do I continue to react in an unhealthy manner, seeking to alleviate the discomfort?  Sure.  I know I've done that the past few days, by having a glass of wine in the evening.  Do I need that wine?  No.  Am I having it to perhaps squelch some discomfort?  Yes.    I even had bourbon Friday night.  BOURBON? REALLY?!?!?  Oh Layla.

The growth I have is this great awareness.  I am not terrible and horrible for having bourbon, or wine.  I am grateful for the awareness I have for why I reached out for those substances.  Such awareness helps keep me growing.  I am also grateful for the gifts of maturity and patience to not reach out to those people for whom I long.  I know this feeling will pass.  Without me reaching out to people I am no longer in relationships with!

Maybe it's the weather that spurred this feeling; maybe being shut in under so much snow without the glow of sunlight can cause anyone to feel a little lonely.  Whatever the reason, I feel blessed with my new awareness and the reminder from Daily Reflections to tap into being of service to others.  Reaching out is the best gift I can give myself.  When I reach out, I truly let go of what's causing me grief.  I become part of the human condition.  I am of service, in relationship, out of myself.  It is a true gift, and so amazing that "as I give to the world, so the world will give to me."

Sweet little Love is waking up.  I hear her playing in her crib, so I'm off to work and entertain some darling girls.  I love my job and the companionship these little beings offer me.  I am grateful for the sun and its bright reflection on all that snow outside.  I am grateful to know "this too shall pass."

Some Time Alone

Thursday, January 21, 2010

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning

Too many activities, and people, and things. Too many worthy activities, valuable things, and interesting people. For it is not merely the trivial which clutters our lives but the important as well.
—Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We need interaction with others, and we need activities. We have many gifts to offer those who cross our paths, and we need the many gifts they have to offer us. But we soon have little to share, to give to others, if we neglect the special times, the empty spaces needed for nurturing the soul.

Some time away from people, activities, and things, some time away to commune with God, to seek guidance, to seek security in the fullest sense, will prepare us to better give our gifts to others. That time alone will also ready us to accept others' gifts to us.

It is true we find God's message in others. But the time alone with God lowers the barriers that too often prevent us from hearing another of God's messages as expressed through the friends and even foes who cross our paths.

My gift to myself is some time alone. I deserve that gift today and every day.






I find this completely and lovingly appropriate as the snow is coming down and my car is stuck in the garage and I have no idea what this day has in store.  some fabulous time with God ahead.

We Pause...And Ask

From today's Daily Reflections
I have nothing else to add except to say AWESOME., perfect, just so very well said. 

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.87

Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I would respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgment to become discernment; to defer to silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend. I promise to watch for every opportunity to turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I know where this power is: it resides within me, as clear as a mountain brook, hidden in the hills – it is the unsuspected Inner Resource. I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all effort to find the right thought or action today.