Mysterious Paradoxes.

From today's Daily Reflections, 

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.

This post is so well-said I want to leave it alone.  I do want to add why I'm posting it:

Yesterday 'should' have been a perfect day.  I had an in-service at the hospital that was rewarding and educational.  The meeting at noon was amazing---about making decisions.  God knows I need to hear all about that! Then, I treated myself to a massage and it was amazing---really phenomenal.  There were parts of my body I've never thanked God for, while they were being massaged--like my mandible, my cheek bones, the muscles that connect my cheeks to my jaw.  I thanked God for my liver and my soas.  It was a really beautiful therapy.

And, then, I got home and CRASHED.  My mood crashed, my health crashed, my appreciation for the day and my zeal crashed.  All of it.  I got physically sick, which was uncomfortable.  I couldn't decide what to eat, and I was probably over hungry and in need of calories.  I was Crabigail McGrumpelstein.

I looked at the calendar a few times and did the count on my finger math---is this PMS?? Is there a pill I can take for this crappy attitude I have?

The beauty of the Paradox lies there.  I didn't take anything for my crappy mood.  I just was in it.  I accepted my mood for crappy.  I  made sure I didn't surround myself with people so as to not hurt anyone with  my crummy mood.  I took care of myself.

This part of the reading really spoked to me:

When I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength

I faced my Crab, accepted, and left it.  I didn't try to fix it.  Sometimes, I can do everything 'right' and still feel crappy.  Some days I'm going to be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with this fact; other days, like yesterday, I'm going to shrug my shoulders, thank God for giving me one more day to live, and just breathe.