Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.
This post is so well-said I want to leave it alone. I do want to add why I'm posting it:
Yesterday 'should' have been a perfect day. I had an in-service at the hospital that was rewarding and educational. The meeting at noon was amazing---about making decisions. God knows I need to hear all about that! Then, I treated myself to a massage and it was amazing---really phenomenal. There were parts of my body I've never thanked God for, while they were being massaged--like my mandible, my cheek bones, the muscles that connect my cheeks to my jaw. I thanked God for my liver and my soas. It was a really beautiful therapy.
And, then, I got home and CRASHED. My mood crashed, my health crashed, my appreciation for the day and my zeal crashed. All of it. I got physically sick, which was uncomfortable. I couldn't decide what to eat, and I was probably over hungry and in need of calories. I was Crabigail McGrumpelstein.
I looked at the calendar a few times and did the count on my finger math---is this PMS?? Is there a pill I can take for this crappy attitude I have?
The beauty of the Paradox lies there. I didn't take anything for my crappy mood. I just was in it. I accepted my mood for crappy. I made sure I didn't surround myself with people so as to not hurt anyone with my crummy mood. I took care of myself.
This part of the reading really spoked to me:
When I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength
I faced my Crab, accepted, and left it. I didn't try to fix it. Sometimes, I can do everything 'right' and still feel crappy. Some days I'm going to be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with this fact; other days, like yesterday, I'm going to shrug my shoulders, thank God for giving me one more day to live, and just breathe.