..in.the.moment..

What a week!!
Holy Moly!!

I try to reflect on what I was doing this time a week ago, and I literally have to open my planner to remember.  It's been sooo long since a week ago Saturday.

I will fill you in on what I can remember---I had an overnight shift with a little girl I haven't taken care of since June, and it was so fun.  We played hard, we enjoyed each other's company and she was on board to go with me to my sweet friend Beth's daughter's baptism.  It was a special day on Sunday, and I was thrilled to be part--even if we couldn't stay the entire time.  Beth is an awesome Mom and her little babe is a joyjoyjoy.  The entire time she was up near the alter she was smiling.  It was a sweet day.

My little charge and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns.  It was a fun movie!!  I can't find anywhere the lessons Nanny McPhee imparts on the family she is with, but when I can find it, you'll see it in a post, for sure!    Sunday night, I had the privilege of my darling friend Becky's company for a two hour walkabout our little town's square, and then an hour more of sitting and chatting.  We were in desperate need of a catch-up!

Monday I spent studying and practicing yoga in the evening after a delicious dinner with a sweet friend, Jen.  She is very talented, and I posted earlier this week a video they just created for their song. I am so proud of my friends!!  There is a new yoga studio in town, it opened last week (when I get the webpage link I will post it!) and all this week they've offered classes for Donation.  So, I had the yummy privilege of practicing yoga in a classroom setting, instead of in my living room in front of the television.  The studio is offering Hot Yoga Vinyasa and some 12 Step Yoga classes, and so far, I'm hooked!!  I really enjoyed where my yoga practice took me this week.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were heavy work days--averaging nine hours each day.  IKES!  Tuesday night was a treat, though, and I was taken out on a date.  I think this *ahem* male friend is very super duper, and we had a great night.  Not at all what I expected to have happen this week, and really the definition of a treat! Oh! And Tuesday I found out what my schedule will look like at the new job and it will be DAYTIME (yessssssssss!) and three 12-hours shifts in a row: Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  Long days, and I'll be tired, but I'm so thrilled I won't be working nights!!  And, I'm overwhelmingly excited to begin working as a nurse.  By the time I start on the unit, it will be SIX MONTHS since I've done any nursing care, and I am readyready to get back at it!

On Wednesday and Thursday I got to spend some time with my friend Dani, and that was wonderful.  She's doing well, and I enjoy the company she offers and the time I get to spend with her children.

And, then, well, then there was yesterday.  Fuhhhhreaky Friday.

I went to Human Resources for my new company and signed my Offer Letter.  I filled out reference check information, employment screening information, all that good stuff.  I found out officially that if I don't pass NCLEX, I will not be working this job.  (I sort of knew this already, but I enjoy knowing things with certainty and now, now I know).  I found out some of the benefit package details, as well, and am overwhelmed with what I have been calling, until yesterday, my grown-up job.  I am excited!  There are things that come with this nursing position I've never had as an employee:  insurance!, paid time off!, vacation pay!, life insurance!, overtime!  These things equal a grown-up job.  Or, at least they did until I had a most welcome and severely humbling conversation yesterday.

Here's the lesson I am learning:  a deeper understanding of Step 3.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

So, I have a new Employer.  And this previous idea of grown-up job is completely FALSE.  For the past three years, I've been exclusively working as a nanny.  I've been able to earn enough money to live a full and rewarding life.  I've supported myself while I've been in school, and what a gift I've been able to care for children, and be of ultimate assistance to families in my community.  I heard yesterday: a grown up job is something you would do for free or for fun.  I would (and do!) my job for free and for fun!

Now, I'm employed as a Nurse and am working in a profession where compensation and a benefit package are par for my course.  Would I do nursing for free and for fun?? YES!  (Mind you, I have for the past two years during clinical experience in the various hospitals in my town).

The blessing of the lesson I'm learning is that God is my Employer.  God "provides what I need when I keep close to him and perform his work well."  I believe this fully!  I want to see what I can contribute fully to this life!  Regardless of what my benefit package is.  More on this lesson, I'm sure, but I am blown away by this awareness, and excited to stop devaluing myself for only working in childcare these past three years.  What an honor to care for other's children, to do a great job at it, and to be reminded whatever work I do, I get to do it for God.  Every bit of it.  Nursing, childcare, the dishes, all of it.  For God.

So, that was my morning lesson yesterday.  I went to a local coffee shop and participated in the Eckhart Tolle book study, went to leave, and couldn't find my keys.  Um.  I don't lose my keys.  I looked everywhere.  I went up and down the block, asked every business to see if someone had turned in my keys, I phoned my roadside assistance, and a locksmith was en route to open my car to hopefully find my keys--maybe they're in my car?? Tow truck comes, unlocks my car, keys are not in it. So, roadside assistance offers I get another tow truck to come, tow me to Prescott Honda, and I paid $109 for a new key.  Yep.  One hundred nine dollars.  for a key.  


I was a blob of buzzed out mess--after my morning of discovery regarding employment and worth, I lost my keys.  I had to pay money that was allotted for other things (oh well!) and thank goodness my roommate was kind enough to make a copy of his house key and bring it to me while I sat in the showroom of Prescott Honda and studied for NCLEX, waiting for my new key to be programmed.  


Holy Moly, Freaky Friday!

The entire day I had planned blew up to be not that at all when I couldn't find my keys to leave Cuppers.  What does all this mean?  Do I need to slow down?  Do I need not be on the phone talking about worth, employment and God while driving?  um....probably.

Last night, I treated myself to quiet.  Much needed and enjoyed quiet.  I watched Greenberg, which I don't recommend. And I watched A Single Man, which I HIGHLY recommend.  A movie night? With NCLEX looming in just six days?  Yep!  I neeeeeded it.

Today has been fabulously calm.  I woke well rested and caught up on some business I unfortunately neglected with my long hours this week.  I went to the farmer's market and got yummy eggplant and kale from Whipstone Farm, and some amazing vegan tamales.  I have another overnight shift tonight with four kiddos.  Whoa.  Grateful, and looking forward to earning enough tonight to pay for the week ahead.  And, study study study.

Gosh, what a week!  I'm ripe with awareness and learning, and feeling surprisingly calm about Thursday.  My job and my profession are contingent on Thursday morning at 8am and I am calm.  Thank you, God.

I hope this week ahead can continue with calm, and I don't lose any more things of value....Especially my serenity.  Most importantly, my serenity.

Happy Saturday!

strange and graceful ease

It's been nearly two weeks since my big catch up the world post about the end of my trip and start of life back in Prescott.  And, I have been home for just over three weeks.  I am amazed how quickly time flies--and that I've been able to transition into life so well.  In hindsight, of course.

I panicked when I got home.  P.A.N.I.C.K.E.D. I was a mess and reminded of a certain prayer to keep me focused on life bigger than me, and a Power Bigger than me that will provide!

Eternal God, Lead me now out of my familiar setting, where doubts and fears reside.  Lead me beyond my pride and my need to be secure, into strange and graceful ease.  Your arms of hope support me, and I hear your voice in my silence.  I will grow strong enough to endure and be flexible enough to share your grace with others.  

Then, life started happening.  After my initial panic I got myself to a meeting QUICK and began to get the much sought after serenity I had been lacking after eight long weeks away from the rooms that help keep me focused on a spiritual solution.  I've been making four to five meetings a week, making lots of phone calls, and getting back on track with my recovery.  It's been wonderful, and I'm reminded how much work living this spiritual solution is.  Today, I'm willing.

I also knew I needed to find a roommate with whom to share my awesome space.  I found Noriko through Craigslist and have not had any problem with the site so I posted a prayer-inspired post, and got quite a few responses--all of them felt alright.  Then, Jeremia wrote, and YEP!!  God is awesome, we emailed for a day or so, talked on the phone, and then Sunday Aug 15 he came by to check out the space, meet me in person, and that afternoon paid the deposit to be my housemate.  Wow, God!!   Quick work!!

He moved in Aug 25 and so far, so great!!  I think we're finding our 'living together, getting to know each other' vibe out and it's working well!

A lot of my fear and panic was looped in and entangled around money.  Imagine that.  I was so afraid I wouldn't have enough, wouldn't be able to pay bills, rent, food, any of it.  Why is it so hard for me to remember that God has my back??  I heard this week:  If God leads you to it, God will lead you through it.  God is leading me to the miracles and joy of my every day life, so OF COURSE God is going to lead me through the 'supposed' trial of daily living.

I started to let go of the outcome.  Reminded again of another prayer ridiculously helpful:

God, enlighten me.  Help me recognize Your will.  Give me the strength to execute Your will for my life.  I willingly let you take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  

Yes.  I willingly let God take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  That does not mean I sit in my home and pray for money to fill my accounts and pay my expenses.  No.  So, I reached out, I lined up work with families I worked with before I left.  And, all has been okay!!   My fear has been slowly decreasing.  I do have moments of fear, but I have to remind myself fear doesn't leave me completely, and fear is a reminder to trust God.  Fear is an opportunity for me to practice faith.  I am grateful for these reminders.

Without giving away too much, I have come home to two friends dealing with stupidyuckylotsofswearwords & expletives: Cancer.  I have a myriad of emotion around these diagnoses.  I am confused, frustrated, angry, sad, and utterly powerless.  I am reminded of the beauty of the Al-Anon program with regard to alcoholism initially, but applicable to everything:  I did not cause this, I cannot cure this, and I cannot control this.  Oh sweet powerlessness:  I embrace you now as this yucky yuck enters my community and I ask that you show me what I can do to be of service, not judge, be kind and tolerant and most of all, loving.

I have written about it loads, and I know if you keep up with this blog at all you know I have my test date for NCLEX.  I am beyond excited to apply my belief and faith in God's will around this exam, do my footwork, which means STUDYSTUDYSTUDY, and rock the socks of this sucker.  September 23, baby!!  A perfect day--autumnal equinox, equal parts sun and night, and the beginning of my favorite season, Fall.  And, a full moon to boot.  I'm taking the exam in the city of my birth, Mesa, Arizona.  Magical beauty of course!!  Do I subscribe that all these magical events are ripe to my passing NCLEX?  No!!  I do subscribe that this date feels right, my instinctual thought says YES! and after prayerful consideration and a very good night's sleep, this will be the date I take my knowledge, hard work and Higher Power to the testing center, sit down, breathe deeply and test for Registered Nurse status.

For about ten days while I was home, I found myself sleeping and waking to the sun's schedule.  I was blown away about this--Partly because I realized this rhythmic cycle began in Switzerland, and it was timely there.  The sun didn't completely set until 930 or 10p and didn't rise until 630a.  A perfect eight + hours of sleep!!  And, in California, I was fighting jetlag so the sun didn't factor in, and in Oregon, again, the sun was setting later thanks to Oregon's observance of daylight savings and I could rise with the sun at the 6a hour and feel well rested.  Well, here in Arizona, where daylight savings is just a day on the calendar and not an action taken twice a year, the sun was setting at 730p!!  So, guess who was climbing into bed with Stieg Larsson and falling to sleep by 830p and rising between 530a and 6a with the sunrise?? This girl.  I fought it at first and judged the heck out of it, (what an old lady I am to go to bed at 730p!!) then I embraced this beautiful ability to sleep and rise with the Earth.  I think I have adjusted to being back in Arizona now, and the sun's setting doesn't equate bedtime to me anymore, but I am rising with the sun still and there is such a beauty to that wakening.

I've been incorporating way more activity into my life than I ever have before and I absolutely credit God, Switzerland life, motivation from JJ and a fifteen pound weight loss since May.  I've been doing Kundalini Yoga at home three to four times a week., hiking with girlfriends one to three times a week, and have been challenged and inspired by Yoga Flow on Fridays.  My body is shifting.  My thighs are changing shape, my waist is 30 inches (!!!), and I'm in clothes I haven't worn since 2001 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  I'm falling more in love with my body than I ever have before, save freshman year of high school when I was a two-a-day volleyball champion running, squatting, crunching my way to a super fit 14-year old body.  I didn't know then I wouldn't have that body when I was in my twenties.  If only....For now, though, there is a deep joy with feeling love with the body that is looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm embarking on some deep spiritual lessons about forgiveness, judgment, acceptance, and internal discomfort.  It's uncomfortable, and at times I feel like a failure and a fugg up.  Then, I thank God for giving me awareness about areas in which I get to grow, accept my humanness, and do the next indicated thing.

I think this brings me up to current!  I am home.  I am studying for NCLEX.  I test September 23.  I am interviewing for a RN position Tuesday.  I'm working with kiddos that inspire me with laughter, sweetness, and joy.  I am surrounded by friends that have courage and strength unprecedented.  I am open to miracles and shown that graceful ease is a lot of times strange and doesn't look how I think it should, which I believe is God's way of showing up even more gracefully and miraculously.

Love to you!

things i love.

Happy September Everyone!
I'm overcome with love this morning---

I love

1. coffee
2. serendipity
3. green leaves 
4. Morning Edition on npr
5. Sonja
6. a freshly made bed with clean sheets
7. successful list making (it's successful when things get crossed off!)
8. blogs
9. children
10. iTunes Genius
11. Gorilla vs Bear
12. XMU on Sirius Radio
13. being part of a community
14. being a good friend
15. having good friends
16. having enough
17. loving God
18. not knowing how to answer the question, "Layla, where do you go to church?"
19. physical activity
20. not stressing out if I don't get to work out today.  well, not totally stressing out
21. applying for jobs
22. envisioning my future
23. feeling a deep and sweet love for myself
24. learning all about cancer so my knowledge can be power. 
25. turning over cancer to God
26. trying not to hate cancer, even though sometimes I really do, and really, cancer is just cells gone a little wayward.  I can appreciate waywardness---I just don't appreciate waywardness in the lives of women I love. 
27. dancing
28. yoga
29. Switzerland
30. Hawai'i
31. my mom
32. Prescott, Arizona

What do you love?  

Three tomatoes are walking along...

You know the joke, right?  From Pulp Fiction?  The baby tomato is being quite slow, following along behind his Mama and Papa tomato and the Papa tomato squishes baby tomato and says, 'Ketch Up!'

Well, this is a Catch Up Post.

I've been back in the USA nearly three weeks.  So much has happened in that time!  I didn't feel fit to write about all that has occurred until, weirdly, I caught up on the blogs I read.  When I set my mind to something, well, sometimes I can be quite inflexible!  So, I slowly began my blogroll of reads...and let me tell you!  I sure do love the blog world!  One blog I follow, Ms. Sheryl at BitchCakes has achieved her weight loss goal and her subsequent posts have been fabulously positive and inspiring!  Another friend, Danielle at SometimesSweet, is progressing beautifully with life, baby in utero, and home buying! Angela, at Scatter Sunshine,  has been posting some really fun faith posts and intriguing-get-my-mind-rolling goodness that has been fun to keep up with this summer.  And, finally, I posted yesterday how my favorite music blogs are keeping me excited and up to date with all things Indie & College Rock.  It's been fun catching up with the blog world.

My turn, now, I guess.

I will save this for a future 'Ode to Switzerland' post but before I left JJ had mentioned that coming home was harder jet lag to handle than arriving to Switzerland.  That wasn't my experience last year so I couldn't agree, but this year, this year, I agree..  Jet lag was intense.  Reverse Culture shock was intense.  More on this later...  I was in a plane for 15 hours, and awake for 29 (minus the five hours I slept on planes two and three, total.)  I will say in gratitude:  The long flight, London to Chicago, I was upgraded to Business Class, and YESSSSSSSSS!  Soooo roomy and lovely; it was a treat!

I arrived to San Diego with Nate as my hero---he carried my luggage, brought me flowers (I LOVE FLOWERS!) and told me I didn't have to 'be' anything to anyone.  Such a relief.  Life in San Diego is fun, and we ate delicious Thai food at 11p and with a full belly I crawled to his home, showered, and tried to sleep.

Nate and I planned a pretty epic road trip upon my arrival to San Diego with one day for us to get things together, and for me to rest.  In hindsight, was that the best idea?  Probably not.  But as my recovery, my faith, and my reliance on a power greater than myself have taught me there are no mistakes in God's world.  So, Thursday, we left for San Luis Obispo.

When did my wrinkles happen?? I am a wrinkle face!  

God is awesome, and Noriko, my darling roommate, moved out of our shared home on Aug 4--that very day, instead of flying to Chicago, she flew to SANTA ANA! to see a mutual instructor of ours.  Do you know what that means??? Goodness, of course!  Serendipity!  Santa Ana is on the way to San Luis Obispo from San Diego, dontchaknow, and Nate was willing for us to take a quick hour detour so I could have a sweet visit with my darling friend. 

I am blessed to have such sweet companionship in Noriko. 

We arrived in San Luis Obispo with a few bumps along the way.  It was during this drive I began to feel something.  I called it Jet Lag until a few days ago.  I was craving alone time, and didn't know how to get it.  I was craving home, and was surprised I wasn't feeling at home with Nate, with all the travel we had planned. I wasn't acting my best self.  

Nate is a darling road companion. 

From San Luis Obispo we drove to Mount Shasta and scored an ULTIMATE camping spot at Castle Crags State Park.  We were right on the Sacramento River---it was cooooollldddd water and quite refreshing for an early morning soak!  

Refreshing Gurgling Sweet River Water

This was my first time camping in 'Bear Country!'  We had a 'bear locker' at our spot to lock our food in and we didn't see any bears.  It was kind of fun to be in such a special place, where bears hang out too.  

For dinner, we made Macro Platters and this was my first time having Sriracha in six weeks!  YUM!  (please note the oscillating fan hair look!!! I sure love my long hair but abhor having it on my neck when I'm hot!! Hence the monstrosity of a bun I sometimes sport).  

My favorite picture of Nate from the whole ten days we were together.  His smile melts me.  

From Mt. Shasta we drove to Bend, Oregon to visit some dear friends of mine, Amber, Jared and their son, Logan. 

My first time in Oregon!  I had to stop for the photo op despite having a bit of a headache (hence the crummy face. The Sun was bright!)  

In Bend, we had dinner at Deschutes Brewery and this was a tasty Mirror Pond Pale Ale.  And, 5dl of beer was a lot for a girl used to light lagers mixed with 7up all summer....Oh yummy Panache, I miss you so!

Nate and me enjoying the fun and friendship of Deschutes!

Me and Amber, darling friend!

In Bend, things took quite the turn.  I will not go into details as they're too private for blogworld but I will say I learned so much this Saturday August 7.  I learned about myself.  I learned about Nate.  I learned what I'm capable of, and what I no longer find works for me.  I thought I already knew these things, but putting them into practice proved difficult with what I had stacked up against me:  fatigue, jet lag, beer, needing alone time and not knowing how to get it.  

I don't wish to take back what happened this night because I'm reminded there are no mistakes in God's world.  I do wish to act in forgiveness of myself, truly love myself, and ponder and reflect on how my actions affect others.  No matter my excuse--the perfect storm of circumstances leading up to crummy behavior--my behavior happened, and it affected my relationship with Nate.  I woke up Sunday hungover from behavior.  I was weak with regret and guilt and it wasn't until I found some alone time in the shape of a tearful and warm shower, I was able to get on my knees, seek forgiveness from One Greater than Me, and move forward.  

And move forward we did, Nate and me.  It was tentative and slow.  We were both hurting and hesitant what the next step of our long distance romance would be.  (I shouldn't say 'we' as I don't speak for Nate, but those were the feelings I had).  Sunday we drove to Breitenbush Hot Springs Resort and it is here I REQUIRE YOU TO MAKE YOUR NEXT TRIP TO THIS HEALING SPACE!!  

We spent three days, two nights, at Breitenbush, and it was so magical.  I had that desired and sought after alone time with my journal, I soaked in healing, warm mineral water, and washed my body in an outside shower next to the flowing Breitenbush River.  I began the loving and powerful process of forgiving myself.  And it was here, Tuesday August 10, Nate and I decided to no longer be a Romantic Couple.  Is Breitenbush the type of place I expected to break up with Nate? Ohmyword, NO!!  The day previous we saw a couple get married!  It is a loving and sacred place, and I guess that is why I find it so fitting we did break up there.  Because, remember, there are no mistakes in God's world.   

What a gift--we were grown-ups!  We talked it through.  We expressed our hurts, our tears, our feelings, and our love for each other.  We decided it was no longer going to work for us and for each of us, that meant hurting a little bit now, so we don't hurt ourselves or each other more in the future.  

Hindsight.  That beautiful word.  Dictionary.com tells me it's the "recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence." Yep.  I agree.  I am aware of the reality of what a hefty road trip can do for a relationship after such a long time apart.  I see the possibility of doing things differently now but am without that ability as Nate and I are now toeing the line of 'just being friends.'  I am grateful for reflection and the ability to learn from my relationships.  

The social psychologist George Herbert Mead coined the term significant other to indicate the one who signifies or reflects back to us the meanings of our gestures and, in so doing, develops with us our ability to act meaningfully with others.  (quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz & Ketcham). I find this to be absolutely true as I ponder and reflect my time with Nate.  A sweet gift and blessing he was as a significant other.  

Leaving Breitenbush Tuesday August 10 with a car packed full of gear, heading toward Chico for a few more days
together.  This is our last picture together.  

We spent two nights in Chico, California on our way back to Prescott.  Nate is a gracious, generous man, and was on board to continue our trip as planned despite our decision to no longer be Romancers.  We eliminated Yosemite from the trip, and decided after Chico to head straight to Prescott.  

I don't have any pictures on my camera after this point.  I must have just mentally stopped needing the desire for future memories and have my mind's camera to refer.  We had a great time in Chico, where Nate is from.  We went to his favorite park growing up, enjoyed a Sampler at Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, and I continued to enjoy Nate's great company.  

I am so blessed to have gotten to know this man.  He is super great!  And, what a gift of five months we had together, working at a long distance relationship.  He was by my side during what felt like a really difficult task--finishing and graduating Nursing School.  He is a great friend, and I feel blessed I didn't put the pressure on this relationship to be the one, even though there are so many characteristics in Nate that 'could be.'  I'm grateful I wasn't dependent on the outcome of Nate and me.  I was dependent on the moments of Nate and me, and that is God doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  

It was a 15 hour drive Chico, California to Prescott, Arizona, and we made it alive, peaceful, and still with respect for one another.  (Again, I won't speak for Nate, but I will say, I sure do respect and love him).  We decided to hit up one more Brewery, for posterity's sake, the place where Nate and I met, nine plus years ago.  After a disgustingly overpriced salad and Nate's indulgence of a super yummy IPA we hit up Annie's Attic for some dancing, and that is when the feeling of returning home hit me hard.  

I am home.  

I was welcomed home with big hugs from my darling friends, Gwendolyn and Leta.  

Leta, me, Gwendolyn before I left for Switzerland, June 2010

It was in dancing with Nate I got sad about our relationship ending.  Oh, boy! how much I want a partner that enjoys dancing and moving his body!!  Sadness aside, we danced for a while and then headed to my home. 

I walked in and was awash with stagnant air, a Sonja kitty that had lost a few pounds, and sweet Noriko's energy palpably gone.  

I began panicking and sobbing in a way I hadn't done for a couple years.  Again, Nate showed his strength as a pretty stand-up guy.  He held my hand, gave me hugs, and told me those words that help so much from a friend, "You're going to be okay."  

Eight weeks away from home is a long time.  

This post has turned so long, and so reflective!!  I had no idea I had all this in me to get out---Well, maybe I did, and that's why I've been sitting on it, not wanting to write it!  I will end here, though, and catch up with what life has been like now that I'm home.  

Thanks for all the love while I've been away.  It's been such a journey!  

And, I remind myself, there are no mistakes in God's world! 

you've got spirit, yes you do!!!

On April 21, I was awarded the Spirit Award from the Nursing Department at Yavapai College.
I am so lovingly and fabulously blessed.

It is humbling and huge to be finishing nursing school With Honors and to be acknowledged by the faculty that taught me the past two years to have Outstanding Performance with my Spirit.

Pinch me.

self care.

Written on my mirror, a most apt and needed phrase from Sweet Kate. I slathered on the face mask, ran a hot bath, and contemplated the idea of Keeping my sights on my goal, Keeping Up with the task ahead of me, Washing my face, and finishing this out.

I hope to one day look back on this experience and marvel at the Strength of God getting me through.
I hope to look back on this experience with pride at what I'm accomplishing.

I long to feel different than I do right now.

Tears, frustration, darn throwin' in the towel crud. That's how I feel...It all seems like it would be loads easier than it is right now.

Wouldn't that be the more easier, softer way? Didn't I cry out, "Surely there must be a softer way?" Am I balking now?

God, be my strength. I can't do this without your fierce and powerful guidance.

God CAN and WILL when I SEEK.

gratitude.

I've had a pretty awful past couple weeks.

It's been interesting---I met Nate and that has been going phenomenally.  I enjoy him a great deal.  We communicate beautifully, and he is fast becoming a dear friend, offering a sincere, kind listening ear.  Nate and I became this thing a little over two weeks ago.

I feel once he left to head back to San Diego, I crashed....The week following (last week) I spent fighting a weird stomach bug that came and went. I fought a total disinterest in my studies and finding out my test grade was the worst I've done so far in Nursing School.  Just sorta blah.

Then, this week hit.  I worked 36 hours at the hospital.  And, holy moly it was hard.  My shifts were every other day, to boot, so I didn't really acclimate to the night shift schedule.  I have been so tired. So very tired.  I cut loose a little bit Thursday night and went dancing---only to completely not get enough sleep and wake up with what I feared was Strep Throat.  (I have since rediagnosed myself as having a mild chest cold.)  I'm feeling sicky.

I've had a few break downs the past week.  Tears.  I don't want to finish school.  I want to give up.  I'm tired.  I'm so freaking tired.  If this is how nursing is going to be, I don't want any part of it.  I want to be a Professional Nanny and just play with kiddos all day long.  I will be a very capable and very well educated nanny.

And, here's the good part of all this tough stuff this week.
I am so loved.  I am so well cared for.
I got a card from my sweet friend Beth saying how proud she is of me, what a great friend I am to her, and how I can do this.  She also said these words in email.

Noriko, my roommate, continually supports my crying spells.  She takes time out to make rice for me, offers miso soup for me, pours my tea.  She does these quiet, kind acts that fill my heart with gratitude and love.  God knew what God was doing when combining us as roommates.

My friends have listened to me complain, be discouraged, and want to give up.  I am met with listening ears not trying to fix the way I feel.  I am met with friends that support where I am at and offer me words of encouragement.  I need words of encouragement now more than ever!  And, God is providing these words to me through the voices of the people I love.

I may be sick today, but God is providing me with the strength to study.

I have two exams next week, two days of Psych Clinical and two more shifts of interning.

I'm grateful for these words I've read in my studying for my Psych exam:

Anxiety is part of the human condition.  We treat anxiety with positive self-talk and reframing difficult situations

Mild anxiety can be motivating, produce growth and creativity, and increase learning.  

Comforting!  I'm studying and yet learning how to promote growth in my own crazy self right now.  What a gift!!

At 0945 there was a knock at my door.

Nate sent me flowers.  Gorgeous huge enormous beautiful Spring Flowers.  What a gift!! It's the first day of Spring, and Nate sent me get well flowers.  GRATEFUL.

It's been hard to see the silver lining of what feels like a huge black steaming shitcloud.

I am grateful, though.  It helps to remember I have a power greater than myself that will provide me strength to persevere and be diligent.  I must remember to ask for help as well.

I will get through all this.
I will graduate from nursing school.
I will be successful in my endeavors to finish the work load ahead of me.
I will take care of myself in this process.
I will 'Keep Up' as my Yogi Tea quoted to me today.
I will find time for exercise, meetings, quiet solace with my higher power, and studying.
I will enjoy the sunshine, the glorious Arizona Sunshine greeting me with its love and warmth this afternoon.
I will laugh and play.
I will remember my feelings are not facts; they're not permanent.  This too shall pass.
I will be grateful.  Even for the shitclouds.

the Mad Hatter fed me cheesecake.

Oh yesterday! What a terrific day!!

I started my psych clinical rotations at a women's treatment/rehabilitation facility and it rocked my world.  I have such reverence for recovery and to be on the other side of women in recovery---ohmygoodness! It is such an honor!  I feel grateful and excited about the 36 hours I get to have with the women at this house.  I also know I will be ridiculously challenged with what I'm learning and the candid opening these women are asked to exhibit.  It is yet another example of something I get to do during nursing school that completely changes me--I am so lucky to have this educational experience.  So lucky.  

Last night I worked with sweet Juliana and Dante.  They were tired....There were some tears and a little 4-year-old body not wanting to listen to my direction.  Comes with the territory.  Juliana and I have this little bond where we sing a lot, just sing the things we're saying to each other, and it cracks me up.  She is a special girl, and I enjoy working for this family.  (We also were talking in 'robot' but then I started thinking in 'robot' so I had to ask her to please stop.  "Why. Do. We. Have. To. Stop. Talk-Ing. In. Ro-Bot?")  Mom of these kids is so considerate.  She prepares dinner for the kiddos before I get there, she's a phenomenal cook, and always makes sure it's vegan.  So thoughtful.  

I worked until about 2015, and was chatting with Mom about life changes, Nate, Nate, Nate, and having a giggle...She walked me to the door, and we opened it to three inches of snow!  It was so still!  Pouring snow---So much snow was coming out of the sky, and holy cow! It was so silent and beautiful.  I have a little Honda Civic in need of new tires, and I was nervous driving home.  Mom was so sweet---do you want to take my car? Do you want to stay the night??  No, No. I'll head home.  I can make it.  

I pushed all the snow off my car and climbed in.  The house I was working in is north of town, without street lights, and I will say:  My drive home was the scariest drive I've ever done!  Ohmygoodness!!  I couldn't see but three feet in front of me, the snow was coming down so hard, I could only stay in first gear, and I swear, I don't know how I got anywhere; my speedometer did not go over zero.  I was crouched over my steering wheel, praying over and over again.  "God, be my eyes. God, keep me safe.  God, I praise you for this experience and ask for you guidance and strength.  Oh God, I can't see. Oh, God, Please help. Keep me safe.  You're in charge, God; I trust you."  It was intense, and lovely.  

Each time I couldn't see a car would crest over the hill ahead and its lights would shine my way.  

When the street lights started, another car was ahead of me and I am so grateful; I was able to drive in its wake.  I ran two stop signs, knowing with the hills in my darling town I wouldn't be able to get going if I were to stop.  

My home is on a hill, and I knew I'd need the momentum of the incline to keep accelerating toward my garage.  Wouldn't you know it?  There was a pedestrian, strolling along in this blizzard snow.  He was covered in snow! And he was STROLLING!  This dark mass slowly walking on my sidewalk, in front of my home!  REALLY????  The craziest weather, I'm not sure I can get traction enough to keep driving, and I have to pause for a pedestrian.  I totally was laughing.  God is so funny.  And, an amazing protector.  

I made it to my garage.  And, when I climbed out laughed again;  my car was covered in four inches of snow. I shrugged.  Oh well.  It'll just melt off into the garage.  That's what snow's supposed to do, right??

Such an adventure!

I woke this morning at 0615, to realize I didn't need to get up so early, and fell back asleep.  I dreamed Ryan Gosling was the mad hatter, I was blonde, with Shirley Temple ringlets and a red headband, and he was feeding me cheesecake.  I don't like cheesecake. (chocolate > any other dessert, ever.  It's a proven mathematic equation.)  I remember thinking, "I have to pretend to like this so the Mad Hatter doesn't get Mad."  Awwww, Sweet Layla as Alice, people pleasing even in her dreams.  

I was supposed to meet my Grandpa today for breakfast but due to the weather we decided to cancel.  I'm a little bummed; I haven't seen my Granddad for years.  Gosh, since Nov 2006?? Whoa.  I told him about my upcoming graduation, though, and he 'has it on the calendar' so hopefully I'll get a Grandpa Love on May 15.  

School's on a two-hour delay.  My class tonight doesn't start until 1700 so I don't think this will affect me.  I have some appointments on campus at 1400 and the sky is blue, blue, blue--gorgeous Prescott, Arizona blue.  The roads haven't been plowed yet, and I'm not going to head out in the weather until later this afternoon.  I've started the laundry and my latte is delicious.  Soon, I'm going to have a shower, and watch some lectures online until my afternoon begins.  

Life is so good.  I am so safe.  I feel love in my tummy, in my heart, in my toes.  

This is my life. 

And, I adore it.  

empowerment.

Untitled from on Vimeo.

what kind of goals would a perfect person set?

This question was posed to me by a new person in my life.
I adore it.

It's been wonderful food for thought today...

And, oh today, what a great day you've been.

I didn't end up working last night---My gut was still screaming 'no!' after some thought and prayer, so I said no, and ended up having a very terrific night.  I had amazing kiddo time, them some great music, reading time, then! Dancing with Leta time!!!

DJ Wordthieves was spinning at Taj Mahal, the Indian Food restaurant in town, and it was so so so so fun.  And, so what I needed!  I got to see some old friends I hadn't seen in a while, and dance with some stellar body movers.  It was such a delight!  Oh, I adore dancing.

I slept in this morning, waking with weird dreams, and interesting blasts from the past from Facebook.  I took myself out for a delicious breakfast then went to the market for the week's food.  Now, Just being.  I have studying to do and after this post I am going to do some Case Studies. Nursing School is big on Case Studies.

They are actually helpful, thank goodness.

I am thinking about what kind of goals a perfect person would set, and a smile comes to my face---How hard I try to attain perfection.  How much it matters to me that I show up perfectly, when the gift of human existence is the imperfection of each person.  To truly accept someone so dearly that even if I had the option to have them change I wouldn't dare it....To accept myself that way!  To be in a state of acceptance about the good parts of me and the bad parts of me, and realize together they equal ME.  I cannot have one without the other.

My Yogi Tea quote, and man, this tea is amazing!, for today was this:

It's not a privilege to know others.  Know yourself.  That's a privilege.   

I love it!  To know myself so truly, to realize perfection is this illusion I hung to for so long to feign safety.  To let go and accept the all of me.  What a gift.

Hope your Sunday is perfect. 
wink.

second degree heart block, type two.

The thing about Mobitz Type II Heart Block is this:
I know what it is.  The P waves have inconsistent QRS complexes with them.  It's a regular rhythm and  unpredictable, hence the danger.  At least with Type I there is a gradual elongating of the PR interval and it's telling you to 'watch out! we're gonna drop a QRS!!'  It's not the case with Type II. It's insidious.
It looks like this:

thanks, mauvila, for the image.

See those P waves?

There's no QRS complexes with the alternating ones.  That makes sense to me.  

The ECG strip on the exam I took four and a half hours ago gave a really silly example of Second Degree Mobitz II Heart Block.  It did not look like that.  And. I got it wrong.  

Oh well.  

Other than that silly mistake I feel I did pretty well.  The exam was hard, but I slowed down enough to really tap into what I know.  I studied well.  And, we'll find out Tuesday or Wednesday how well.  

Now, we're on to Urinary and Renal Function and Critical Care of the Renal Impaired Client along with the male client experiencing reproductive health issues:  here comes Benign Prostate Hypertrophy!.  (My favorite. hehehe, not the male client, though, that can be argued.  I love the kidneys.  I love the chemistry behind electrolytes in the body, how the kidneys handle all our waste....I am a sucker for reabsorption, filtration & excretion!)  

I took myself out to dinner tonight and am loving Michael Chabon's The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.  It's brilliant, and perfect for this girl transitioning out of college mode, at least for the now.  I had a lovely glass of chardonnay and falafel from Raven Cafe tonight, and the jazz was loud but good.  I was told tonight by the cute bartender that I'm very 'pleasant.'  It was glorious to be complimented.  

I also have this weird plastic flap thingy hanging from the bottom of my car. So that's what that sound has been this whole time...  Duh.  I called my Terry Dad and he is so great.  He gave me some instruction on what to do with this teeny little predicament and then he said those magic parental words that are like a string to my spine:  they just pull me right up!  "I'm proud of you and all you do, Layla."

Oh man.  

I think it's just a-o-k I didn't get right the freaking Mobitz Type II rhythm strip.  I can handle a little imperfection right now.  

Off to eat a delicious chocolate chip cookie and read some more of the world Michael Chabon has created.  

Goodnight, 

the parent: the true valentine.

My mom called this morning and asked if I'd be her Valentine. 

Of Course!

Then she asked if I'd be Stella's Valentine (her dog.)

Of Course!

And, then, Will you be Darwin's Valentine? (her husband, my step-dad.)

Why, Yes!

I remember Mom often giving me Valentine gifts and cards.  When I was 12 (or so?) she bought me Monopoly and I was so thrilled!  We were each other's true Valentine's and often there for each other on this day when I was growing up.  I'm 30 now and she's married to a super swell guy who I'm sure makes a pretty nice Valentine.  It still is so lovely to consider her my Valentine.  

We ended up talking for a long time---about what's going with her and me, about the fear I've been struggling with regard to graduation, job getting, staying in Prescott, Switzerland, the money, all of it.  She listened.  My mom listened.  She sat there and listened!  It felt such a triumph!  I wasn't offered suggestions about what to do or offered condolence for my fear and frustration.  She just listened.  It was monumental and beautiful.  She even thanked me for sharing what's going on with me so candidly and honestly.  Holy Crap!  What a huge breakthrough between the two of us!  (Thank you, God!)

I often don't share things with my mom due to the fact I don't think she listens.  (read: I don't think she listens.  She very well may be listening.  My thoughts are that she doesn't listen.)  So there was some cosmic beauty about today's conversation because I felt and thought fully she was hearing what I was saying, and doing that beautiful thing of just listening.  What a gift it is to be heard.  Truly heard.   

My Terry Dad called today, too, and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day.  He's the superest duperest best Dad I could ever hope to ever have, ever.  I am so blessed.  We had an amazing conversation.  I had just gotten home from my stellar run.  I shared with him that I'd gone running because I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed and I needed to release some tension.  He paused.  (He is a great pauser.)  And he says, "Is there something we need to talk about?"  In great dad fashion!  

So, I spilled my guts to my Terry Dad about what's going on.  More honesty just pouring from me about all my fear.  Terry listened and offered a couple really great suggestions.  He said the following things that are most beneficial:

1.  "Don't make important decisions while under stress"

I love this!  He even said, how good of you to go for a run.  That is the kind of decision most beneficial while stressed!  (awwww....thanks, daddy-o!)  We have a slogan for this in Al-Anon:  When in Doubt, Don't.  Oh yeah!  I don't have to do anything right now. I just have to be with this feeling.  Release it and ask for God to take over. For God to direct my thinking and help me focus on the next task in front of me.  

2.  "Have a little faith in yourself, Layla.  You're Layla"

This one took my breath away.  OH YEAH!  I get to have faith in me!!  I've been putting a lot of faith in God and my Higher Power to help me with this fear....But you know what Terry reminded me?? God. Made. Me.  God made me with this determined, intelligent, capable self with a killer attitude inclined toward the positive.  God made me authentically.  God gave me this brain to be so smart with, this  long had desire to be around birthing babies and this natural gift with kiddos.  God did this!  Which means, yes, I get to praise and lift up God and rejoice at these gifts.  I also get to have faith in the thirty years I've spent on this planet.  I get to have faith in myself, too.  

All in all, I was overwhelmed and fearful today.  And, I took care of myself.  I spoke honestly about my fears and I went for a super cardio session to hopefully get some perspective.  I didn't come away from the Y with this whole thing figured out... I did come away feeling excellent physically and proud of the change my body is making due to fitness and activity.  I feel better.  I am still uncertain about the future but A-HA! This is all outcome stuff.  And, remember?? I'm not in charge of the outcome.  

oh yeah!!!!

I want to share a little Eckhart Tolle from A New Earth.  It's been very helpful the past few weeks. 

There are three modes of awakened doing: acceptance,enjoyment and enthusiasm.

Each one represents a certain vibrational frequency of consciousness.You need to be vigilant to make sure that one of them operates whenever you are engaged in doing anything at all—from the most simple task to the most complex. If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others

 quote found here.

I am trying to remember this journey of my life must be met with one of the three aspects of doing:  acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm.

I look to enjoy with enthusiasm the week ahead.

And to quote Tina Fey, "Happy Valentine's Day, No One."
Did you see this week's 30 Rock? Sheer Brilliance!
xox

Beaujolais Nouveau

it's one of those lovely, lovely quiet nights. 
i made a macro-platter for dinner, ohmygoodness delicious.  my workday was short and fast today--only about five hours with Sweet Hannah as she gallivanted with her girlfriends at a six-year-old birthday party and i drove 85 miles from here to there to everywhere...

tonight is lovely.  i have Sirius XMU playing and the dinner i'm eating is delicious.  i adore XMU.  and i adore tofu, veggies, beans, rice and sriracha. i have my first psych nursing exam tuesday night at 5p and some videos and online assignments to do to prep----i think i'm going to consciously procrastinate those things until tomorrow and relish in a night of lovely relaxation.

yesterday was insanely enjoyable.  i made some delicious tofu, broccoli, chili noodles and watched Whip It. 

image credit here.

i really liked the movie! it was fun fun fun! i think Kirstin Wiig is a gem and i enjoy everything she's in.  Ellen Page is a doll, and the movie was all parts what i needed last night after two straight intern shifts.  holy tired! i slept like a rock last night.  hard!  and fabulously well rested upon waking which was even more awesome. 

i had a great conversation with someone super special to me about my loneliness the past few weeks and it was suggested that perhaps my loneliness was a little self-pity making a run on me.  AHA! that resonated so well with me and a few days after that conversation i feel much more aware about what i truly need and what i'm actually getting.  there isn't much difference in the two.  i have amazing friends i can reach out to at any time.  i am not alone.  i get to enjoy this time without an intimate male relationship because it is truly a great gift! i get to be fully accountable for myself!  what a gift!!

i'm feeling a lot better and enjoying the quiet, the chance to be in relationship with myself, and the gentle acknowledgment that possibly i was wallowing a little bit earlier.  eh. whatcha gonna do?  i am indeed and thankfully not perfect. 

can i tell you again how delicious this dinner is??? and how much i love XMU??? rocking to some Modest Mouse right now. love those boys. 


hope your weekend is going super duper.  i work for some darling Love girls tomorrow for a good chunk of the afternoon/evening.  there's some football game on that dad wants to go to a party for....hmmmm....i think i'll look at that as some excellent post-bedtime study time.  gosh, i love my job.


xox