..in.the.moment..

What a week!!
Holy Moly!!

I try to reflect on what I was doing this time a week ago, and I literally have to open my planner to remember.  It's been sooo long since a week ago Saturday.

I will fill you in on what I can remember---I had an overnight shift with a little girl I haven't taken care of since June, and it was so fun.  We played hard, we enjoyed each other's company and she was on board to go with me to my sweet friend Beth's daughter's baptism.  It was a special day on Sunday, and I was thrilled to be part--even if we couldn't stay the entire time.  Beth is an awesome Mom and her little babe is a joyjoyjoy.  The entire time she was up near the alter she was smiling.  It was a sweet day.

My little charge and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns.  It was a fun movie!!  I can't find anywhere the lessons Nanny McPhee imparts on the family she is with, but when I can find it, you'll see it in a post, for sure!    Sunday night, I had the privilege of my darling friend Becky's company for a two hour walkabout our little town's square, and then an hour more of sitting and chatting.  We were in desperate need of a catch-up!

Monday I spent studying and practicing yoga in the evening after a delicious dinner with a sweet friend, Jen.  She is very talented, and I posted earlier this week a video they just created for their song. I am so proud of my friends!!  There is a new yoga studio in town, it opened last week (when I get the webpage link I will post it!) and all this week they've offered classes for Donation.  So, I had the yummy privilege of practicing yoga in a classroom setting, instead of in my living room in front of the television.  The studio is offering Hot Yoga Vinyasa and some 12 Step Yoga classes, and so far, I'm hooked!!  I really enjoyed where my yoga practice took me this week.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were heavy work days--averaging nine hours each day.  IKES!  Tuesday night was a treat, though, and I was taken out on a date.  I think this *ahem* male friend is very super duper, and we had a great night.  Not at all what I expected to have happen this week, and really the definition of a treat! Oh! And Tuesday I found out what my schedule will look like at the new job and it will be DAYTIME (yessssssssss!) and three 12-hours shifts in a row: Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  Long days, and I'll be tired, but I'm so thrilled I won't be working nights!!  And, I'm overwhelmingly excited to begin working as a nurse.  By the time I start on the unit, it will be SIX MONTHS since I've done any nursing care, and I am readyready to get back at it!

On Wednesday and Thursday I got to spend some time with my friend Dani, and that was wonderful.  She's doing well, and I enjoy the company she offers and the time I get to spend with her children.

And, then, well, then there was yesterday.  Fuhhhhreaky Friday.

I went to Human Resources for my new company and signed my Offer Letter.  I filled out reference check information, employment screening information, all that good stuff.  I found out officially that if I don't pass NCLEX, I will not be working this job.  (I sort of knew this already, but I enjoy knowing things with certainty and now, now I know).  I found out some of the benefit package details, as well, and am overwhelmed with what I have been calling, until yesterday, my grown-up job.  I am excited!  There are things that come with this nursing position I've never had as an employee:  insurance!, paid time off!, vacation pay!, life insurance!, overtime!  These things equal a grown-up job.  Or, at least they did until I had a most welcome and severely humbling conversation yesterday.

Here's the lesson I am learning:  a deeper understanding of Step 3.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

So, I have a new Employer.  And this previous idea of grown-up job is completely FALSE.  For the past three years, I've been exclusively working as a nanny.  I've been able to earn enough money to live a full and rewarding life.  I've supported myself while I've been in school, and what a gift I've been able to care for children, and be of ultimate assistance to families in my community.  I heard yesterday: a grown up job is something you would do for free or for fun.  I would (and do!) my job for free and for fun!

Now, I'm employed as a Nurse and am working in a profession where compensation and a benefit package are par for my course.  Would I do nursing for free and for fun?? YES!  (Mind you, I have for the past two years during clinical experience in the various hospitals in my town).

The blessing of the lesson I'm learning is that God is my Employer.  God "provides what I need when I keep close to him and perform his work well."  I believe this fully!  I want to see what I can contribute fully to this life!  Regardless of what my benefit package is.  More on this lesson, I'm sure, but I am blown away by this awareness, and excited to stop devaluing myself for only working in childcare these past three years.  What an honor to care for other's children, to do a great job at it, and to be reminded whatever work I do, I get to do it for God.  Every bit of it.  Nursing, childcare, the dishes, all of it.  For God.

So, that was my morning lesson yesterday.  I went to a local coffee shop and participated in the Eckhart Tolle book study, went to leave, and couldn't find my keys.  Um.  I don't lose my keys.  I looked everywhere.  I went up and down the block, asked every business to see if someone had turned in my keys, I phoned my roadside assistance, and a locksmith was en route to open my car to hopefully find my keys--maybe they're in my car?? Tow truck comes, unlocks my car, keys are not in it. So, roadside assistance offers I get another tow truck to come, tow me to Prescott Honda, and I paid $109 for a new key.  Yep.  One hundred nine dollars.  for a key.  


I was a blob of buzzed out mess--after my morning of discovery regarding employment and worth, I lost my keys.  I had to pay money that was allotted for other things (oh well!) and thank goodness my roommate was kind enough to make a copy of his house key and bring it to me while I sat in the showroom of Prescott Honda and studied for NCLEX, waiting for my new key to be programmed.  


Holy Moly, Freaky Friday!

The entire day I had planned blew up to be not that at all when I couldn't find my keys to leave Cuppers.  What does all this mean?  Do I need to slow down?  Do I need not be on the phone talking about worth, employment and God while driving?  um....probably.

Last night, I treated myself to quiet.  Much needed and enjoyed quiet.  I watched Greenberg, which I don't recommend. And I watched A Single Man, which I HIGHLY recommend.  A movie night? With NCLEX looming in just six days?  Yep!  I neeeeeded it.

Today has been fabulously calm.  I woke well rested and caught up on some business I unfortunately neglected with my long hours this week.  I went to the farmer's market and got yummy eggplant and kale from Whipstone Farm, and some amazing vegan tamales.  I have another overnight shift tonight with four kiddos.  Whoa.  Grateful, and looking forward to earning enough tonight to pay for the week ahead.  And, study study study.

Gosh, what a week!  I'm ripe with awareness and learning, and feeling surprisingly calm about Thursday.  My job and my profession are contingent on Thursday morning at 8am and I am calm.  Thank you, God.

I hope this week ahead can continue with calm, and I don't lose any more things of value....Especially my serenity.  Most importantly, my serenity.

Happy Saturday!

sleepin in.

I haven't slept in this late in a long time.  It feels awesome!! I've been pushing the Layla envelope with three!  (yes three!) nights in a row going to bed after midnight! (ack!) Today, I woke so so so so tired.  I've been given an assignment in my step work that is very pivotal and this week has been so busy (there's a lesson; I'm going to get to it)!  Every time I started writing for my assignment, something would come up, or I couldn't see the exact harm I've caused...I was getting frustrated, and ended up canceling my appointment to go over the list.  I need more time.

I was flexible with myself this morning, too.  Being so tired, and only functioning on six hours of sleep did not sound like a super way to start my day--even though Saturdays are my favorites.  In the four weeks I've been home, I've begun this darling Saturday routine:  up at 0700, Kundalini yoga, quick breakfast, 0845 book study and coffee meeting, 1030 meeting, home around noon feeling rejuvenated and serene.

Well, today, I crawled out of bed at 0950!  WOWZA!  I didn't go to my meetings, I didn't yoga.  I've been super flexible with myself this week around activity.  I was on a roll before this week began:  hiking, yoga-ing, doing something every day...Then, I just paused for this week.  It seemed too overwhelming with all I have going on.

So, as far as my lesson for the week, here goes.  (I haven't gotten to the lesson learned part; I'm still in the discomfort of awareness).  I've set my date for NCLEX.  September 23.  That's in THIRTEEN days.  I took advice from those near to me and scheduled studying time EACH day this week..Starting with Monday.  On Monday, it didn't work.  The program Noriko lent me to use for practice questions wasn't loading and I got frustrated.  I did end up doing 180 practice questions, and that was a super starting point.  But, unfortunately, aside from a half hour of Princeton Review work booking on Thursday, that's all. I've. done. 

My discomfort lies in letting other things be more important than this study time.  More important than me working my 8th step.  More important than getting enough rest each night.  It feels like procrastination disguised by my being too busy.  I'm putting things in front of studying and working my steps.

It's uncomfortable.  And, I'm so so so grateful for the awareness.  This morning, I've made a delicious breakfast, coffee, and am listening to Wait Wait.  I am catching up the blog world with my lessons.  I work a 24-hour shift beginning at 1700 tonight, and have a busy day planned with my little kiddo tomorrow.  The good news?  It's only 1100 and I have six hours to focus on NCLEX.  (My goal for today is a solid three hours of studying).  I look forward to sitting in awareness around this lesson of putting myself first and transitioning into acceptance.

A fun note: I was flirted with last night by a man I find totally sweet, intelligent and kind.  It was very exciting and fun and we made plans for Tuesday night. Hmmmm....So didn't see that coming.

An awesome God note: my darling friend is out of surgery, her discharge papers are signed and we had an awesome conversation this morning.  Her voice doesn't sound groggy at all; she sounds great.  She will be home this afternoon, and I'll get to see her tomorrow.  God is so great!  (Thank you for answering prayers, and allowing my darling friend to be safe, without complication, and hopeful!)

A body note:  I plan to do a whole blog about this because it's totally weirding me out but I'm in size 12 pants--like, totally in a size 12.  I weigh 165 pounds.  I haven't been this little since 2002.  (little:  re: still overweight as BMI standards go, and I still feel I could lose another 20 pounds!)  The future blog will be about how I thought it was going to feel, because it is surprising and weird, and I don't trust it, and I really thought fitting into those GAP size 12's and American Eagle size 12's I've kept for EIGHT YEARS would be more monumental than it was yesterday when I pulled them on and they were kind of loose.

A work note:  I'm so excited about my new job, and didn't ask what would happen if I don't pass NCLEX--it is in the back of my mind.  What if I don't pass??  I have a list of questions to ask the Director of Nursing next week, and will hopefully get more of an idea of what life working as Registered Nurse will be like. As far as childcare goes, I'm blown away at God providing so hugely for me right now.  I am working lots, and having fun, and enjoying the kiddos with whom I keep company.  I am so blessed!!  

I hope this day is treating you well.  It's a big day for American history--nine years ago today.  I think it's important to live life to the fullest on this day--heck! I think that of every day, but especially today.  There seems something  powerful about enjoying the freedoms of this American life and celebrating them.  For me, celebrating the joy of American life is the best way I can acknowledge the awful of September 11.

strange and graceful ease

It's been nearly two weeks since my big catch up the world post about the end of my trip and start of life back in Prescott.  And, I have been home for just over three weeks.  I am amazed how quickly time flies--and that I've been able to transition into life so well.  In hindsight, of course.

I panicked when I got home.  P.A.N.I.C.K.E.D. I was a mess and reminded of a certain prayer to keep me focused on life bigger than me, and a Power Bigger than me that will provide!

Eternal God, Lead me now out of my familiar setting, where doubts and fears reside.  Lead me beyond my pride and my need to be secure, into strange and graceful ease.  Your arms of hope support me, and I hear your voice in my silence.  I will grow strong enough to endure and be flexible enough to share your grace with others.  

Then, life started happening.  After my initial panic I got myself to a meeting QUICK and began to get the much sought after serenity I had been lacking after eight long weeks away from the rooms that help keep me focused on a spiritual solution.  I've been making four to five meetings a week, making lots of phone calls, and getting back on track with my recovery.  It's been wonderful, and I'm reminded how much work living this spiritual solution is.  Today, I'm willing.

I also knew I needed to find a roommate with whom to share my awesome space.  I found Noriko through Craigslist and have not had any problem with the site so I posted a prayer-inspired post, and got quite a few responses--all of them felt alright.  Then, Jeremia wrote, and YEP!!  God is awesome, we emailed for a day or so, talked on the phone, and then Sunday Aug 15 he came by to check out the space, meet me in person, and that afternoon paid the deposit to be my housemate.  Wow, God!!   Quick work!!

He moved in Aug 25 and so far, so great!!  I think we're finding our 'living together, getting to know each other' vibe out and it's working well!

A lot of my fear and panic was looped in and entangled around money.  Imagine that.  I was so afraid I wouldn't have enough, wouldn't be able to pay bills, rent, food, any of it.  Why is it so hard for me to remember that God has my back??  I heard this week:  If God leads you to it, God will lead you through it.  God is leading me to the miracles and joy of my every day life, so OF COURSE God is going to lead me through the 'supposed' trial of daily living.

I started to let go of the outcome.  Reminded again of another prayer ridiculously helpful:

God, enlighten me.  Help me recognize Your will.  Give me the strength to execute Your will for my life.  I willingly let you take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  

Yes.  I willingly let God take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  That does not mean I sit in my home and pray for money to fill my accounts and pay my expenses.  No.  So, I reached out, I lined up work with families I worked with before I left.  And, all has been okay!!   My fear has been slowly decreasing.  I do have moments of fear, but I have to remind myself fear doesn't leave me completely, and fear is a reminder to trust God.  Fear is an opportunity for me to practice faith.  I am grateful for these reminders.

Without giving away too much, I have come home to two friends dealing with stupidyuckylotsofswearwords & expletives: Cancer.  I have a myriad of emotion around these diagnoses.  I am confused, frustrated, angry, sad, and utterly powerless.  I am reminded of the beauty of the Al-Anon program with regard to alcoholism initially, but applicable to everything:  I did not cause this, I cannot cure this, and I cannot control this.  Oh sweet powerlessness:  I embrace you now as this yucky yuck enters my community and I ask that you show me what I can do to be of service, not judge, be kind and tolerant and most of all, loving.

I have written about it loads, and I know if you keep up with this blog at all you know I have my test date for NCLEX.  I am beyond excited to apply my belief and faith in God's will around this exam, do my footwork, which means STUDYSTUDYSTUDY, and rock the socks of this sucker.  September 23, baby!!  A perfect day--autumnal equinox, equal parts sun and night, and the beginning of my favorite season, Fall.  And, a full moon to boot.  I'm taking the exam in the city of my birth, Mesa, Arizona.  Magical beauty of course!!  Do I subscribe that all these magical events are ripe to my passing NCLEX?  No!!  I do subscribe that this date feels right, my instinctual thought says YES! and after prayerful consideration and a very good night's sleep, this will be the date I take my knowledge, hard work and Higher Power to the testing center, sit down, breathe deeply and test for Registered Nurse status.

For about ten days while I was home, I found myself sleeping and waking to the sun's schedule.  I was blown away about this--Partly because I realized this rhythmic cycle began in Switzerland, and it was timely there.  The sun didn't completely set until 930 or 10p and didn't rise until 630a.  A perfect eight + hours of sleep!!  And, in California, I was fighting jetlag so the sun didn't factor in, and in Oregon, again, the sun was setting later thanks to Oregon's observance of daylight savings and I could rise with the sun at the 6a hour and feel well rested.  Well, here in Arizona, where daylight savings is just a day on the calendar and not an action taken twice a year, the sun was setting at 730p!!  So, guess who was climbing into bed with Stieg Larsson and falling to sleep by 830p and rising between 530a and 6a with the sunrise?? This girl.  I fought it at first and judged the heck out of it, (what an old lady I am to go to bed at 730p!!) then I embraced this beautiful ability to sleep and rise with the Earth.  I think I have adjusted to being back in Arizona now, and the sun's setting doesn't equate bedtime to me anymore, but I am rising with the sun still and there is such a beauty to that wakening.

I've been incorporating way more activity into my life than I ever have before and I absolutely credit God, Switzerland life, motivation from JJ and a fifteen pound weight loss since May.  I've been doing Kundalini Yoga at home three to four times a week., hiking with girlfriends one to three times a week, and have been challenged and inspired by Yoga Flow on Fridays.  My body is shifting.  My thighs are changing shape, my waist is 30 inches (!!!), and I'm in clothes I haven't worn since 2001 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  I'm falling more in love with my body than I ever have before, save freshman year of high school when I was a two-a-day volleyball champion running, squatting, crunching my way to a super fit 14-year old body.  I didn't know then I wouldn't have that body when I was in my twenties.  If only....For now, though, there is a deep joy with feeling love with the body that is looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm embarking on some deep spiritual lessons about forgiveness, judgment, acceptance, and internal discomfort.  It's uncomfortable, and at times I feel like a failure and a fugg up.  Then, I thank God for giving me awareness about areas in which I get to grow, accept my humanness, and do the next indicated thing.

I think this brings me up to current!  I am home.  I am studying for NCLEX.  I test September 23.  I am interviewing for a RN position Tuesday.  I'm working with kiddos that inspire me with laughter, sweetness, and joy.  I am surrounded by friends that have courage and strength unprecedented.  I am open to miracles and shown that graceful ease is a lot of times strange and doesn't look how I think it should, which I believe is God's way of showing up even more gracefully and miraculously.

Love to you!

the steps of the journey.

*Note*

This is post is very image-heavy! 

(and to see them larger, just click on them.) 

I think total I've logged around 50 miles in Switzerland. FIFTY MILES!!! 

Of course, I must quote Edward Abbey in this post...I mean, come on!! How can I talk about hiking and not mention the words of Cactus Ed?!?!?

The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key.  That's the best thing about a walking, the journey itself.  It doesn't much matter whether you get where your going or not.  You'll get there anyway.  Every good hike brings you eventually back home.  Right were you started.

Last year, I didn't do a whole lot of solo hiking or adventuring on my own.  A lot of the activity we did was as a family and it was amazing and wonderful!  JJ and I spoke about this summer, and when I first arrived I was certain, CERTAIN!, I felt WAY more comfortable and would like to adventure on my own!  And, it's been such an amazing summer in that regard!  The opportunities have been phenomenal....Oh, Gratitude Flows with the hiking and moving of my body...the steps of my journey...and as I approach the next week, I begin the journey home.  

Here's a photo post of the hiking experiences I've been privy to this Summer...

Bryndli Peak!! Matt Brown and I ventured out for a day hike Sunday June 30.  I was drawn to this peak and its stark, dramatic landscape and Matt offered to be my own private guide.  It was a great way to get my body movin' after my arrival! 

Wild Flowers!!!

Posin' in the Alps. 

Navigating. 

Feeling Pretty on top of the World.  

Zen Cows. 

Blissed Layla 

  

On July 8, we took a family hike in Zermatt to Zum See. I attempt to summit zee Matterhorn. 

Zermatt Navigation

Layla as Vanna White

The first time I've had a Panache (beer & 7up!) as a refreshment after a long hike!  Such a sweet treat!

More Blissed Layla

Hiking in Waist High Wild Flowers

Buried in flowers, love this!

On July 9, JJ & I went to Riffelberg above Zermatt to hike to the glacier and the lakes..We hiked at 10,000 feet....This is me silly with the goofy Swiss Cow. 

the Matterhorn & God. 

Sweaty Layla and the Matterhorn. 

More Summiting of the Matterhorn. (it never really got old.)

JJ & Layla among the many, many Japanese tourists. 

Layla & the Matterhorn, resting. 

Blissed out Hike Love. 

Glacier Love. 

Glacier Silliness

Layla & JJ

Dueling Peaks. 

We finished with a panache in Zermatt.  5dl of deliciousness. 

There is a magic to sharing this place with a trusted and sweet friend.  What a great adventure!!

Bliss.

On July 13, JJ and I did an overnight hike to Alpiglen.  This was at Stalden, where we had a snack: cherries and almonds. Swiss cherries taste just like cherry pie filling. They're so sweet and delicious!

This is Biglenalp, where we had lunch...We had view of that waterfall for most of our hike, and it was so big and so awesome.....

See?!?

Sweet JJ, on a super rocky path en route to Kleine Sheidegg. 

Me, with a giant alligator head rock formation in the background. 

Super Sweaty on our arrival to Kleine Sheidegg.  Man, that was one long hard push to get there!!

Clouds filling the North Face of the Eiger. 

We did it, We did it, We did it, HURRAY!!!

Navigating the morning of July 14. Check out the sunrise over the valley!!  We decided NOT to do Eiger Glacier trail....We're tough, but not CRAZY. :) 

Layla, posing by the glacier water fall

JJ showing you what amazing snow melt we had--on July 14!!!

Filling my water bottle with fresh glacier snow melt. YES PLEASE! 

Incredibly Hiking Buds! 

JJ crossing an enormous ice field, which until we found out from Troy, we were certain we were crossing a glacier.  No, just an ice field.  Crazy scary just the same!

I'm vertical.  The slope of the ice field is nearly, too. SCARY!

I was grinning like a fool!! This is inside Trummelbach falls in Lauterbrunnen on July 20.  The rush of the water, 10m HIGH! Swirling and raging at such force the entire structure to look at the waterfalls hummed and vibrated.  It was chilly and the water was majestic.  It is a magical place!

This is looking down one of the falls.  Ohmygosh, amazing. My literal prayer in my head, "God, thank you for hydrostatic bonds and hydrogen molecules and oxygen molecules and how powerful they are together."  I'm TOTALLY A DORK. 

Appropriate. 

On the way to Obersteinberg. 

Navigating to Obersteinberg. 

So, I found these blueberry bushes and ate about ten or so wild blueberries and they were so so so so so good.
Then, I came across this scat filled with blueberries. It made me giggle that the wildlife was enjoying them as much as I did. 

I was cracking myself up sooooo much about taking a picture of poo!!! You know you're a nurse, when......

The waterfall on the way to Obersteinberg.  That peak is Breithorn. 

Sweaty on the way...Such a great, great hike!

Those waterfalls.....words....try.....hard....yet.....fail......

Me, Obersteinberg Bench, Waterfall.  It's a bombshell kind of life. 

The trail leaving Obersteinberg on July 21.  So small and so powerful and such a huge fall down, if I had tripped or misstepped...Instead, I put one foot in front of the other, and trusted the outcome to God.  It was a Spiritual Experience. 

Me, on top of Tenzbodali.  I made it.  It was frighteningly scary, and it was so gorgeous on top of this flat dance floor.  My only regret is I didn't spin and dance.  (I was too afraid!)

What I climbed to get to the top of Tenzbodali.

What Tenzbodali looks like---the dance floor and the shark fin

From further away..I was on TOP of that flat part...the dance floor.  I ate my lunch, cherries, almonds, peanut butter and jelly and a square of dark chocolate, drank a liter of water, and watched the world.  It was bliss. 

Almost to Gimmelwald.  I am a powerhouse of Hiking Love, Intentional Movement and Grateful Glory.  

Thank you, God, Hainsies and all involved for this amazing experience.  I return home in a few weeks time a changed person, remembering that 'every good hike leads me home.'