My Prayer for You.

Right now, you are in for surgery.
I am scared, and sad, and friggin' pissed off this is happening to you.
In that breath, I love you and I love the universe that created our lives side by side one another's.
I trust in God.
I trust in whatever this is, this Crappy McCrapperston that is in your body, that there is a bigger purpose, that you will be strong enough, that well, shoot...I don't even know what to trust in because it's in you but the good news is I trust you.
I pray the surgeon is guided with knowledge, intuition and ability to rid your body of those bad cells.
I pray the nurses you encounter treat you with shining love, concern and beyond-competent nursing care.
I pray your body will flourish with strength to heal post surgery.
I pray your heart will be rampant with courage and trust.
I pray your friends will be exactly what you need.
I pray your children will be surrounded with laughter and love during this time, so your heart and mind won't worry about them--any more than you already will, I'm sure.
I pray your husband will be exactly the support you need and his own concern will be assuaged.
I pray for you, friend. In that breath I surround your name with
Courage.
Strength.
Love.
Light.
Healing.
Strength.
Strength.
Strength.
You live an authentic life full of passion, joy, and sweet giving.  It is such an honor to know you, to be around your amazing children, and to see you glow during this time, and each of the moments that have comprised the past three years I've known you.
Thank you for illuminating Grace.
I pray for your recovery and your increased trust in the physician's supervising your Cure.
I pray for you.

I love you and can't wait to hug you on Sunday.

things i love.

Happy September Everyone!
I'm overcome with love this morning---

I love

1. coffee
2. serendipity
3. green leaves 
4. Morning Edition on npr
5. Sonja
6. a freshly made bed with clean sheets
7. successful list making (it's successful when things get crossed off!)
8. blogs
9. children
10. iTunes Genius
11. Gorilla vs Bear
12. XMU on Sirius Radio
13. being part of a community
14. being a good friend
15. having good friends
16. having enough
17. loving God
18. not knowing how to answer the question, "Layla, where do you go to church?"
19. physical activity
20. not stressing out if I don't get to work out today.  well, not totally stressing out
21. applying for jobs
22. envisioning my future
23. feeling a deep and sweet love for myself
24. learning all about cancer so my knowledge can be power. 
25. turning over cancer to God
26. trying not to hate cancer, even though sometimes I really do, and really, cancer is just cells gone a little wayward.  I can appreciate waywardness---I just don't appreciate waywardness in the lives of women I love. 
27. dancing
28. yoga
29. Switzerland
30. Hawai'i
31. my mom
32. Prescott, Arizona

What do you love?  

Honor.

You died two years ago, this date.  It was a Wednesday.  I knew when I left you on Tuesday, I was saying goodbye for the last time.  I hope you're well and flying free without pain.  I hope you are soaring among the sounds of music and laughter.

I miss you.
I am grateful you were my Gramms.

My Gramma and Me, November 1979.  

daddy words.

I am gifted by the best and kindest father figure.  For all intents and purposes, when I speak of Terry, I call him 'my dad.'  He is just that, in so many ways, guiding me with his life experience, saying the right thing at the right time and in the greatest parental influence, always, and I do mean always, being there.  


Terry is consistent, fun, kind, and a great example of living with compassion, enthusiasm and acceptance. 


I am blessed to call him 'Dad.'  At least behind his back, anyway. I don't dare call him 'Dad' to his face. :)  (It's a decision we came together.)  


I sent out an email update of my time in Switzerland early this week, and this was his reply: 

WELL LITTLE GIRL,IT SOUNDS TO ME AS IF YOU HAVE FOUND THE REWARDS OF HAVING THE NERVE TO PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER IN A STRAIGHT LINE INSTEAD OF ALWAYS  IN A CIRCLE, TO YOUR LIKING. YOU MIGHT BE STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHY MARCO POLO, ERNEST HEMINGWAY AND YOUR OWN TERRY THE TRAMP DECIDED TO TRAVEL IN A STRAIGHT LINE A LITTLE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE DO. THE LATTER OF THE THREE YOU WILL RAPIDLY SURPASS IF YOU KEEP GOING AT THE RATE YOU ARE AS FAR AS MILES GO, BUT  I STILL HAVE THE LEAD WHEN IT COMES TO DIVERSITY OF MODES AND DESTINATIONS.  IT IS NOT JUST WHERE YOU GET TO GO BUT THE PEOPLE YOU GET TO KNOW.    LIKE ALWAYS. T

In recovery, I've learned that God shows up in other people.  It is through the wisdom of others, God can show up and speak to me.  When someone as special and influential as my Terry-dad is as insightful as he is, it is an example of how God is ridiculously powerful in the way God shows up in my life.

I glisten with gratitude.

 

Fear & Faith.

Hello from Houston!

I've begun my adventure yesterday with a (very, very) early alarm wake-up, last minute detail packing, a heartfelt, sweet goodbye to Noriko, a smooch to my darling Sonja, and a drive to Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport.  Nate was in town for a few days to help see me off and he drove me down to the airport on his way home to San Diego.  I'm so grateful for his last minute help---I learned a few years ago that with anxiety it helped a great deal to have someone put his hands on my back.  Just calmly place his hands on my back.  I've never told Nate this, and in the middle of packing, he came up to me, and placed his left hand over my heart and his right hand over my back and just stood there, holding me.  The anxiety I was feeling immediately calmed, and I finished my packing and was in bed by the time I hoped.  I'm grateful for his presence in my life.

My flight to Houston was quick!  I even got some NCLEX studying in!!  (I'm super proud of myself for this, as I haven't cracked a study text for six weeks. YIKES!)  I landed at 1130a Texas time and was picked up by JJ & Sidney.  I immediately felt the thick, humid Houston air. (I come from a dry heat, y'all.)

Houston is a neat city!  JJ's from West University City, not far from Montrose (where we had sushi tonight).  We drove by the Rothko Chapel and I look forward to coming back and seeing the inside of this awesome place--we missed the hours by twenty minutes!  I've noticed that the sky isn't as big as my Prescott sky.  I feel scrunched and smooshed without the hills and views.  The trees limit what I can see and it's a weird feeling.  I feel quite small in this Houston city.

Today's Summer Solstice.  The longest day of the year!!  I love this day.  I love what it symbolizes--we've made it half way through winter, the cold and the dark nights.  Now, we're on the down swing and days will get shorter, but it's officially Summer now.  It's hot.  And, oh this Arizona girl loves the hot!  Even the thick humidity of the Houston heat isn't so bad. (I mean, it's awfully hot, but it's Summer!  It's suppose to be!)  I'm excited for the longer nights of Switzerland.  Troy reminded me it doesn't get dark until 2200!! WOW!

We leave tomorrow at 1620.  We leave from George Bush Intercontinental Airport and head to Heathrow in London--we'll land at 0730 on Wednesday June 23, just in time for some delicious coffee. Oh, coffee, how I love you so.  From London, we fly to Zurich and will land in Switzerland at 1230p Wednesday.  From Zurich, we rent a VAN. (Three adults and two kids plus luggage for the Summer requires a VAN. :)  The Van will take us to Stechelberg, where we'll survey how everyone's doing and either head up to the village, Murren, and get our Summer digs ready, or we'll stay at the Alpenhof for the night.  We have a busy day of travel ahead, and truth be told, I'm tired.

I'm glad we're flying at night.  The kiddos will be ready for sleep and so will I--I hope sleep will be comfortable.  The flight itself will be a long one--a little over nine hours.  Ha.  I can do that in my sleep! (Let's hope.)

I started this awesome new book  Sought Through Prayer and Meditation.  It's a Hazelden book with a weekly focus on the Eleventh Step (We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.)  The book is a weekly focus with stories and information, followed by a prayer and a meditation.

So far, it's awesome!  I wanted to share the prayer and meditation with you for this week.

Prayer

Dear God, as I begin this journey each day to seek a closer conscious contact with you, my Higher Power, let me not rely on any changes that have already taken place in me, any reconstruction that you have done in my life until now. For by choosing my will over yours, all of that can be gone in a single breath. Therefore, please give me the grace to rely only on you, your will for me, your love and caring. May I continue seeking knowledge of your will and the power to carry that out, one day at a time.

Meditation

The power of God grows within me as I continue to seek God’s will.

I love having a spiritual focus while I'm away.  Last year, my spiritual life in Switzerland grew immensely.  I came home focused and at peace.  I also knew with a lot of certainty and assurance what I was coming home to.  This year, it's entirely different.  A lot of my fear is due to what life will be like in August when I get home.  I have no idea!!  The idea of having an assignment to improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power and to truly seek my Higher Power's will for my life is exciting.  It helps alleviate the fear I'm having and helps me be in the moment.

There is one thing certain about this adventure ahead:  I will only be of service, of utmost and beneficial service, when I'm present and in the moment.  It's in the moment that my life is meant to be lived.  I have fear about what the future holds but really?? I'M NOT IN THE FUTURE.  I'm here.  Now.  In this moment.

Today's Daily Reflections summed up my feelings so well.

The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other condition of insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion – well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 263

Fear has caused suffering when I could have had more faith. There are times when fear suddenly tears me apart, just when I’m experiencing feelings of joy, happiness and a lightness of heart. Faith–and a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power -helps me endure tragedy and ecstasy. When I choose to give all of my fears over to my Higher Power, I will be free.

I love what this reading reminds me about having Faith.  Faith is defined as "a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power."  Merriam-Webster defines Faith as "complete trust."  I love the idea that Faith in my Higher Power is feeling WORTH and COMPLETE TRUST in my Higher Power.  In my humanity, all I can do is try to completely trust my Higher Power.  I believe it's possible--to the best of my ability.

And as Feist reminds me in Mushaboom:

 And we'll collect the moments one by one/ 

I guess that's how the future's done 

I'm headed to bed now on this warm Summer Solstice night.  Happy Summer, everyone.  When I write next I'll be in the Alpine air of Switzerland with yet another strengthened, and hopefully fresh, perspective.

Blessings!

Yay Mama!!!

Today is my sweet Ma's 52nd Birthday.  

I love you, Mom. 

Blasts from the past to honor your special day....

I believe this was taken sometime in 1982?  At the Grand Canyon

Mom in Hawai'i.  I think this was 1985?? Not sure, tho'.  I love the different backgrounds but similar poses of these two photos....

Me and My Mama, July 2006.  

We're Captains of our Own Boat.  

March 2009

And, a Hawaiian rainbow to finish it off.

I  love you Mom.  

You have inspired me so much this past year with your dedication, faith and trust. 

Thank you for our evolving and powerfully divine relationship. 

I appreciate you in my life so much, and I'm so very very grateful. 

Happy Birthday!

i've been hit on the head.

Well, Blogland.

I've been attacked by the cosmic force that is Whirlwind Romance.
I've met a man.
I haven't really just met him; I've known him since May 2001.
He was one of the first people I met here in Prescott.  For blog purposes I'm going to call him Nate.
Because that's his name.

My Nate light turned on Friday morning at 1215.  He strolled into the grossest bar in town while the entourage was dancing the dance for Leta's 40th birthday.

wahooo! Leta's 40 and it's time to get DOWN. 

Leta, Tina & Layla. Fabulous Dancing Buds. 

I think this is where I become excited like a four-year-old and jump up and down with glee. 

Ohmygoodness, this picture says it all!

Leta, Layla, Kate & Claire in the background.  We bring it to the Sundance's. 

The Dancefloor Tina Sammy

How much do I love my Dancing Dolphin Birthday Friend?
It's hard to describe so picture me standing so tall, arms so high, mouth open soooo big! That's how much!

And, this. is. Nate. Getting his booty on with Sweet Leta. He & I proceeded to dance together for the next two hours.  

There are some things I need to preface in this post....The internal 'list' I've been compiling of the things I'd very much like in my next partner.

1. I'd like a man that has a spiritual life, and seeks knowledge, force, and power outside himself, preferably to a force that is bigger than he is. 
2. I'd like him not to smoke cigarettes or abuse substances. 
3. I would love a man that enjoys dancing. 
4. I think a man that values being healthy and moving his physical body would be awesome.  
5. It would be really super if this man, this potential partner, would be intelligent, focused and determined. I want a man I respect.  
6. I want a man that wants a family: I'd love it if he wants to get married, have kiddos, and value a vested partnership.  It would be awesome, if this partner, would do those things with me. ;) 
7. (There's some other stuff I'd really like in a man that I think might be too candid for this public forum).  
8. I want a man with confidence.  I want a man with assurance that I won't be the source for his happiness, I will only add to his happiness (naturally) and he is in charge of his own joy.  
9. You know, I'd really like it if he is tall, with a great laugh, soft skin, kissable lips, a great head of hair.  The vanity stuff.  I like a man's hands.  

So, that's my list.  I ponder that list sometimes; add things to it sometimes, and really think, good grief, Layla; you're a picky girl.  All this stuff?  Really??? Yes. Really.  These are my heart's desires.  

Well, you know. The God force is funny, I've always said.  I didn't anticipate my list to be satisfied now. And, I've heard often that 'it happens when we least expect it,' and 'most often when we're not looking for it.'  

The next four weeks are the busiest of my school career.  I have still 79 more hours of interning to do, 36 hours of clinical to do for my Psych Nursing class, a huge Care Plan paper for those 36 hours, a teaching project for my internship, a presentation on Nursing Communication & Interpersonal Relationships for my Management class, three more exams (50 questions each), two finals (100 questions each), a Pre NCLEX Exam on Management (55 questions), and the HESI, which is an acronym for what? I cannot remember at this time but it's 190 questions of nursing amazingness that is a barometer for how well I will do on NCLEX.  It's a big deal.  The next four weeks are a big deal.  

The best time for a romance? 

God thinks so. 

Layla, Leta & Nate. Rockin Leta's 40th. 

Nate & Leta showing off the moves. 

I keep up with the moves of the Nate. Kate's intense.  

Nate & Joey. More Dance Fantasticness. 

I think this is where we discuss what happens between Nate & Layla since there is 450 miles between them.  I like a man who talks with his hands. There is something quite charming about expressiveness.  

This is where we cheese it out. 

This is where the romance really happened. 

And, this is the kiss Mark D was looking for with all those other shots.  

So, Nate. Welcome to my world. It's going to busy these next few weeks, and I cannot express my excitement well enough other than to say you're right, "This is only the beginning."  I wasn't looking for you.  I didn't anticipate this weekend to take me out of my routine so completely.  You've taken me fully into the adventure that is a new romance.  You're a man that, so far, has surprised me with all the 'internal list' check-off's I've been able to make.  Nate, you've added things to my list of what I wanted without my knowing; you've completely upped the ante, so to speak, and made me a pickier woman.  It's been a whirlwind, I've been hit over the head, and I'm beyond thrilled at what's in store for us. 

Safe drive, Darling Man.

second degree heart block, type two.

The thing about Mobitz Type II Heart Block is this:
I know what it is.  The P waves have inconsistent QRS complexes with them.  It's a regular rhythm and  unpredictable, hence the danger.  At least with Type I there is a gradual elongating of the PR interval and it's telling you to 'watch out! we're gonna drop a QRS!!'  It's not the case with Type II. It's insidious.
It looks like this:

thanks, mauvila, for the image.

See those P waves?

There's no QRS complexes with the alternating ones.  That makes sense to me.  

The ECG strip on the exam I took four and a half hours ago gave a really silly example of Second Degree Mobitz II Heart Block.  It did not look like that.  And. I got it wrong.  

Oh well.  

Other than that silly mistake I feel I did pretty well.  The exam was hard, but I slowed down enough to really tap into what I know.  I studied well.  And, we'll find out Tuesday or Wednesday how well.  

Now, we're on to Urinary and Renal Function and Critical Care of the Renal Impaired Client along with the male client experiencing reproductive health issues:  here comes Benign Prostate Hypertrophy!.  (My favorite. hehehe, not the male client, though, that can be argued.  I love the kidneys.  I love the chemistry behind electrolytes in the body, how the kidneys handle all our waste....I am a sucker for reabsorption, filtration & excretion!)  

I took myself out to dinner tonight and am loving Michael Chabon's The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.  It's brilliant, and perfect for this girl transitioning out of college mode, at least for the now.  I had a lovely glass of chardonnay and falafel from Raven Cafe tonight, and the jazz was loud but good.  I was told tonight by the cute bartender that I'm very 'pleasant.'  It was glorious to be complimented.  

I also have this weird plastic flap thingy hanging from the bottom of my car. So that's what that sound has been this whole time...  Duh.  I called my Terry Dad and he is so great.  He gave me some instruction on what to do with this teeny little predicament and then he said those magic parental words that are like a string to my spine:  they just pull me right up!  "I'm proud of you and all you do, Layla."

Oh man.  

I think it's just a-o-k I didn't get right the freaking Mobitz Type II rhythm strip.  I can handle a little imperfection right now.  

Off to eat a delicious chocolate chip cookie and read some more of the world Michael Chabon has created.  

Goodnight, 

the parent: the true valentine.

My mom called this morning and asked if I'd be her Valentine. 

Of Course!

Then she asked if I'd be Stella's Valentine (her dog.)

Of Course!

And, then, Will you be Darwin's Valentine? (her husband, my step-dad.)

Why, Yes!

I remember Mom often giving me Valentine gifts and cards.  When I was 12 (or so?) she bought me Monopoly and I was so thrilled!  We were each other's true Valentine's and often there for each other on this day when I was growing up.  I'm 30 now and she's married to a super swell guy who I'm sure makes a pretty nice Valentine.  It still is so lovely to consider her my Valentine.  

We ended up talking for a long time---about what's going with her and me, about the fear I've been struggling with regard to graduation, job getting, staying in Prescott, Switzerland, the money, all of it.  She listened.  My mom listened.  She sat there and listened!  It felt such a triumph!  I wasn't offered suggestions about what to do or offered condolence for my fear and frustration.  She just listened.  It was monumental and beautiful.  She even thanked me for sharing what's going on with me so candidly and honestly.  Holy Crap!  What a huge breakthrough between the two of us!  (Thank you, God!)

I often don't share things with my mom due to the fact I don't think she listens.  (read: I don't think she listens.  She very well may be listening.  My thoughts are that she doesn't listen.)  So there was some cosmic beauty about today's conversation because I felt and thought fully she was hearing what I was saying, and doing that beautiful thing of just listening.  What a gift it is to be heard.  Truly heard.   

My Terry Dad called today, too, and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day.  He's the superest duperest best Dad I could ever hope to ever have, ever.  I am so blessed.  We had an amazing conversation.  I had just gotten home from my stellar run.  I shared with him that I'd gone running because I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed and I needed to release some tension.  He paused.  (He is a great pauser.)  And he says, "Is there something we need to talk about?"  In great dad fashion!  

So, I spilled my guts to my Terry Dad about what's going on.  More honesty just pouring from me about all my fear.  Terry listened and offered a couple really great suggestions.  He said the following things that are most beneficial:

1.  "Don't make important decisions while under stress"

I love this!  He even said, how good of you to go for a run.  That is the kind of decision most beneficial while stressed!  (awwww....thanks, daddy-o!)  We have a slogan for this in Al-Anon:  When in Doubt, Don't.  Oh yeah!  I don't have to do anything right now. I just have to be with this feeling.  Release it and ask for God to take over. For God to direct my thinking and help me focus on the next task in front of me.  

2.  "Have a little faith in yourself, Layla.  You're Layla"

This one took my breath away.  OH YEAH!  I get to have faith in me!!  I've been putting a lot of faith in God and my Higher Power to help me with this fear....But you know what Terry reminded me?? God. Made. Me.  God made me with this determined, intelligent, capable self with a killer attitude inclined toward the positive.  God made me authentically.  God gave me this brain to be so smart with, this  long had desire to be around birthing babies and this natural gift with kiddos.  God did this!  Which means, yes, I get to praise and lift up God and rejoice at these gifts.  I also get to have faith in the thirty years I've spent on this planet.  I get to have faith in myself, too.  

All in all, I was overwhelmed and fearful today.  And, I took care of myself.  I spoke honestly about my fears and I went for a super cardio session to hopefully get some perspective.  I didn't come away from the Y with this whole thing figured out... I did come away feeling excellent physically and proud of the change my body is making due to fitness and activity.  I feel better.  I am still uncertain about the future but A-HA! This is all outcome stuff.  And, remember?? I'm not in charge of the outcome.  

oh yeah!!!!

I want to share a little Eckhart Tolle from A New Earth.  It's been very helpful the past few weeks. 

There are three modes of awakened doing: acceptance,enjoyment and enthusiasm.

Each one represents a certain vibrational frequency of consciousness.You need to be vigilant to make sure that one of them operates whenever you are engaged in doing anything at all—from the most simple task to the most complex. If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others

 quote found here.

I am trying to remember this journey of my life must be met with one of the three aspects of doing:  acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm.

I look to enjoy with enthusiasm the week ahead.

And to quote Tina Fey, "Happy Valentine's Day, No One."
Did you see this week's 30 Rock? Sheer Brilliance!
xox

ghost story.

When I was little, my brother made fun of me a lot.  I think it's a requisite chore of older brothers--make fun of younger half-sibling.  Especially when she doesn't live with you and you have to have her pesky little self around every other weekend.

He was terrible about my clumsy ways.  I was such an awkward child.  I had bruises all the time (not much has changed there; still clumsy and easily bruised!) and would drop things often.  You know that ohmygosh-almost-had-it-feeling where you're holding something and it just nearly slips out of your hands? I feel growing up that happened to me a lot.  Or, I would just plum drop things.  It happened often!  And, let's be honest.  It just still happens.

My brother died in 1995.  It's been 14 1/2 years since he's been on this planet.  And, since he's been gone, something has come up for me.  When I have that almost drop something feeling, and I catch whatever was about to go plummeting from my grasp, I think it's Andy helping me.  I feel like it's his little self catching my clumsy and being there for me.  It may be silly, but I've thought this for so long that it's hard to think differently now.  It's become my way of remembering Andy as a mean big brother and then thanking him for being there for me.

Well, this morning, I had a soap situation in the shower.  Scrub scrub scrub, lathering up to wash my face.  The soap slipped from one hand to the other and then near fell from my hands to the tub floor, but I caught it.

I thought, "Right on, Andy.  Thanks, Bro."
Then, I giggled, and I said, "Dude. Get out of the shower! Sheesh! Can't a sister get some privacy?"

I've had a really great morning and wanted to share my little ghost story.