Sunday, January 31, 2010

Labor is Hard Work.

I've spent most of the day in a bit of a daze.  Last night's shift was hard work. My body is aching and my heart hurts a little from the experience I had.  This nursing stuff is demanding and hard and very rewarding.

In my zone out time just now I found this youtube gem.

I hope the beginning of February is full of blessings and growth...i can't believe January is already done!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Today's Reminder

From God Calling
can be found here.

"Go back into silence to recover calm. You accomplish more by this than by all the activities of a long day."

I am retreating to calm now.  I have just had a very special morning celebrating Sweet Kira Sky turning four.  I realized as we were singing 'happy birthday' to her and watching her little hair catch on fire, no lie!, that this is the THIRD BIRTHDAY I've celebrated with this little special creature.  I've watched this special little girl since August 2007.  That's nearly two and a half years!  And to see her grow into such a remarkable human being, so funny and kind, and fearless and wonderful.  It is a most fabulous treat.  

On that note, I need to rest.  I have an overnight shift at the hospital tonight, and before that, some more time with Kira this evening.  I am very very blessed, and happy to be reminded that I accomplish more by Quiet Solace with my Higher Power than by trying to do do do do do right now.  I can be more of service when I recover my calm.  

I love you so! 

Friday, January 29, 2010

the ballet's been canceled.

due to weather.
those Russian ballerina's (what's a male ballet dancer called?) didn't make it to Prescott due to weather.

I think it's a blessing, though.  I was worried tonight was going to be a long one and instead, I'm meeting my older gentleman friend for dinner in a bit, and then, done for the night.  I need to get some good rest.  I worked hard today and was just go go go go go go. It was so one of those days.  I'm ready for a good dinner and then a quiet night to prep for a very busy tomorrow.

I read this quote today in one of my daily readers, One Day at a Time, and it took the breath out of me.
"For though we are made especially for the sake of one another, still each of us has his own tasks.  Otherwise another's faults would harm me, which God has not willed, in order that my happiness may not depend on another."  --Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 
The reading talked about detachment and not doing for others what they can do for themselves.  And, I thought this quote so succinct and direct.

We are made to be in relationship with one another.  We buoy each other up, support each other, are blessings to those we encounter.  Yet, we cannot do for another what they can do for themselves.  It robs the other of their dignity.  It prevents the other from showing up wholly, humanly, fully.  We have our own tasks.  We must focus on our own tasks even if we're in relationship with others.  Otherwise, the bad of another person (there is good and bad in all of us, I believe) would harm us.  God does not wish our happiness, and on the flip side, our sadness, be dependent on another person.

I just feel so empowered by this simple statement.

Off to have a most delicious dinner.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

i did it!!!

This feels so very very exciting! Especially when I realized just this moment what was holding me back....
Both my previous two iPod's were given to me by past boyfriends.  I've never actually bought my own high dollar piece of music playing technology.
When I realized this, I felt the 30-year-old single woman I am stand up and cheer!  Sure, it's not the fancy 32GB touch I want, but you know what it is?
It's purple.
It's refurbished. (yay for a little environment friendly action!)
It has iTunes Genius on it, which is my favorite iTunes feature.
I researched what I wanted and this is exactly it!

I feel empowered, excited and super duper thrilled that I finally made the decision.  I can stop fretting over what the heck is holding me up, I can wait patiently for next week's exciting delivery, and I can resume studying Acid Base Imbalances.

Yay Respiratory Acidosis!

being made into a champion....

Thursday, January 28, 2010 
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing towards being a champion.              —Billie Jean King

Champions are made. How lucky we are to have the Steps to guide us to become champions. The program promises us self-awareness, but we have to put forth the effort. And the process isn't always easy. We have liabilities, all of us, and it's generally easier to see them than our assets. Self-awareness is recognizing both. To become a champion, whether as an athlete, a homemaker, a teacher, a secretary, or an attorney, is to maximize the assets and minimize the liabilities, but to accept the existence of both. The program that we share offers us daily opportunities to know ourselves, to help other women know themselves, and to strengthen our assets along the way. We can feel our assets growing, and it feels good. We can see our liabilities diminish, and it feels good. The program offers us a championship.

I can strengthen my assets, first by knowing them, and then by emphasizing them repeatedly. I'll focus on one today.

thought for the day can be accessed here. 

I am sleeping really poorly these past few nights.  I am waking well rested which is hugely confusing to my body.  I'm waking every two to three hours, wide awake, able to go back to sleep, only to wake up in another two to three hours.  The only thing that is different about my intake is I was continuing to take the Grapefruit Seed Extract despite feeling better, so today I haven't taken any.  I'm hoping that jolt to my immune system was the cause for poor sleeping, but really have no clue!  It's rare for me to have trouble sleeping, and when I do it throws me off. 

Hence my post from Each Day A New Beginning.  It just really applies to me today!  I set my alarm for 0530 to get up and hit the 0600 spin class.  I was so disoriented from my crummy sleep I didn't get up.  Until 0645. Thankfully, I felt well rested so I was able to make coffee, breakfast and have some quiet journal time.  I am feeling way overwhelmed! Stressed! My class load is heavier than it ever has been while in Nursing School and I'm also doing night shifts at the hospital one to two days a week and working as a nanny.  Why I think I can do it all and do it perfectly is just my own misconception.  

I have serious perfection/procrastination issues.  If I can't do it perfectly, I don't do it.  I know this about myself.  And, I'm so grateful for this awareness about my own character defects, character liabilities.  I can turn these liabilities into assets!  Like the reading said, "I can strengthen my assets, first by knowing them, and then by emphasizing them repeatedly. I'll focus on one today."  I am going to emphasize repeatedly today my positive attitude and my ability to show up and participate.  Just by showing up I let go of my procrastination.  Participating in my day and showing up to the best of my ability helps me let go of whatever perfection I'm hanging on to.  

I had some really great quiet time where I listed everything that was getting me down: not exercising, not sleeping well, this whole which iPod to purchase debacle, making time to study, making time to get organized, feeling fear about the future, feeling fear about doing it all--working for money, working for my internship, saying yes to certain things (like the Grand Canyon February 12...I just don't know if I should go!).  The list was long!  And, then I prayed.  I asked my Higher Power, whom I call God, to just take these things from me.  These fears and concerns are getting in my way of showing up and participating.  These fears are causing me to focus on how imperfect I am, therefore encouraging my procrastination.  (Because, again, if I can't do it perfectly, I'm way more hesitant to even start, if I ever do.)  I put my list in my God Box and left it at that.  

Then, I read today's reading in Each Day A New Beginning.  It was like this huge hug and gift from God.  Like, whoa.  I get to focus on my positive assets today.  I get to acknowledge how far I've come and realize the more I focus on the positive about today, what I can bring to this day that is GOOD AND AWESOME, the more IN THE MOMENT I WILL BE.   I had a couple hours with a little guy this morning, and I got to show up for him.  I didn't think about my stresses.  I didn't think about any of it.  I showed up.  And I feel so much better.  My work shift this afternoon has been canceled due to more sickness.  (Prayers to this family for the sickness they've been fighting the past month! YIKES!!)  I feel like this cancellation is a blessing, even if it's a bummer for this sweet family.  I now have the afternoon to study and get organized.  

And possibly go to Old Navy to buy a dress for the Ballet tomorrow with my 25% off coupon.  Did I mention I'm going to the Ballet?? 

Life really is good once I get out of my head and into the moment.  

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

nap or study?

The semester has begun.
It's here.
I already feel behind, and I know it's just an illusion.  I'm doing fine.  The lack of exercise is creeping up in me and causing me to feel more tired than I normally feel.  I cur-fuddled an eBay auction on a 2nd Generation iPod shuffle this morning.  I don't know why I thought it would only take me three seconds to hit confirm bid.  It took longer than that so I completely missed out on what would have been a stellar find.  I felt silly.....Watching the screen tic down seconds to only goof up my final click.  Goodness.

I've let this whole iPod music situation deter me from hitting the gym.  I know I need music to pump me through cardio.  I LOVE MUSIC.  I love the feeling of running to my favorite fast paced songs.  I am so aware of it.  What's not working for me is letting this music thing keep me from taking classes at the Y or doing a dvd at home---something to move my body in a way that will sustain me and keep me healthy.

I have a little over an hour before my next work shift starts and I have these little school things I need to do.  I also have a tired body.  Do I caffeinate and suck it up? Do I cuddle up with the Sonja cat and screw my responsibilities until work? Oh the guilt and frustration of decision making.  I think I'm going to buy a new iPod today too so I can get back to the fitness I enjoy and love. My body is worth the price of a new music player.  Good grief.

Just feeling tired.
And that's okay.
I'm aware of it.
That's all.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Grapefruit Seed Extract is Magical.

Wanted to post some pretty magnificent photos from this past weekend's snow fall.
I was dog sitting for a sweet Rosie girl and had a blast---the yard is beautiful no matter the weather, and these photos just show how gorgeous the snow made everything in our little magic town.

A most exceptional view of Thumb Butte...
The view from my house covers the Butte with power lines.  This view is so pristine!

Did you know one of my favorite things about the winter is the hats?  I love winter hats.
And snow filled days and Thumb Butte blurred in the background.

This isn't my yard.  I wish it were.
So beautiful.
One morning, I was on the back porch getting Rosie to do her business, and I saw this movement out the corner of my left eye.  About five deer came trotting across the road.  It was such a site in the snow.  They were so silent and quiet!  One stopped and stared at me, and I waved, "hello!" and hollered a 'Thank you!"  It was a treat, for sure!

Yesterday, I woke up with a little cold.
So I brought out the arsenal of get better remedies.
I drank about seventeen cups of strongly brewed tea, with Grapefruit Seed Extract, honey & lemon.
I woke this morning feeling good.
 A little stuffy, but good, and not suffering with any bit of cold yuckiness.

Nature's Magic Cold Cure.
Just add hot water, time to rest, and a sweet puppy willing to cuddle.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Ballad of Love and Hate

Song lyrics
by The Avett Brothers
album: Emotionalism
my new favorite on repeat. 

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, Whatever."

"I should not have been gone for so long."

"I'm yours and that's it, forever. 

You're mine and that's it, forever."

We Absolutely Insist On Enjoying Life.

"The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before."
From Daily Reflections,  January 24

I'm in the middle of an overnight shift with three little Love girls.  They're sleeping, still, this morning, which is lovely.  They're getting some good rest in.  The littlest one cried out a couple times in the night, which is common for her and I usually don't get very good sleep when I work overnights (not the hospital kind, where I have to stay awake, but the nanny kind, where I get to sleep!) because I'm so worried I'll sleep too hard and not hear the kiddos should I need to.  Thankfully, though, I went to bed at 930p so I was ready for good rest.  When little Love cried out at 330a and again at 530a I was feeling okay.  And, now, having woken up at 7a, I'm good!  Coffee's made and I have toast in my belly.  I feel well rested.

I wish I had my camera cord to post photos of the view I have...There are hardly any clouds in the sky!  It is so gorgeous and now, cooooolllllddddd!!! outside this morning.  Rosie bounded outside chipper and ready for the day and gosh! It's cold, but all the snow, and actual sunlight gracing her presence this morning---such a delightful treat!  I didn't realize it had been four days since I'd seen sun until yesterday when I spoke with a good friend about the lonely's I have been feeling. 

The thing about the lonely's is this:  it's just a feeling.  And, it usually passes as, thank goodness, all feelings do.  The thoughts I muster up and the ideas that rush through my head about getting rid of the feeling--man!  Some of the things scare me because I think I'm healthier than that.  Some of the things don't surprise me at all because lonely is an incredibly uncomfortable feeling.  It's hard to admit 'lonely' because I feel I should be just a-o-k withouth the companionship of another human being.

I got this confused early in my recovery---that we should never feel lonely because we're never alone.  That's where I was mistaken.  And, the growth I'm experiencing in this current bout of lonely:  I am not alone.  I feel it joyfully in the friends I have to reach out to, the work that keeps me busy, sweet Rosie to entertain me with her white fur caked with even whiter snow, and a darling roommate who is positive and kind.  In addition I have this internal force.  This drive.  This relationship full of sustaining glory.  The relationship I have with my higher power truly reinforces my belief I am not alone.  But....OH BUT....All of this goodness showing how not alone I am does not save me from the creeping and sometimes sinking feeling of loneliness.

Hence my early-in-recovery mistake:  I can be lonely, even though I am not alone. 

Thank goodness it's just a feeling and I don't have to act on it.

I don't have to reach out to people from my past with whom I no longer have relationships.  My lonely calls to them because those relationships were unhealthy.  It's interesting.  When I'm lonely, I long for the people in my life with whom I was unhealthy.  I tapped into that understanding yesterday, and it was this brilliant light lift:  Lonely is just a feeling.  It does not mean I am alone, as I know in my core, I am not.  It is just a feeling.

Where my growth comes is how I act with that feeling.  Do I continue to react in an unhealthy manner, seeking to alleviate the discomfort?  Sure.  I know I've done that the past few days, by having a glass of wine in the evening.  Do I need that wine?  No.  Am I having it to perhaps squelch some discomfort?  Yes.    I even had bourbon Friday night.  BOURBON? REALLY?!?!?  Oh Layla.

The growth I have is this great awareness.  I am not terrible and horrible for having bourbon, or wine.  I am grateful for the awareness I have for why I reached out for those substances.  Such awareness helps keep me growing.  I am also grateful for the gifts of maturity and patience to not reach out to those people for whom I long.  I know this feeling will pass.  Without me reaching out to people I am no longer in relationships with!

Maybe it's the weather that spurred this feeling; maybe being shut in under so much snow without the glow of sunlight can cause anyone to feel a little lonely.  Whatever the reason, I feel blessed with my new awareness and the reminder from Daily Reflections to tap into being of service to others.  Reaching out is the best gift I can give myself.  When I reach out, I truly let go of what's causing me grief.  I become part of the human condition.  I am of service, in relationship, out of myself.  It is a true gift, and so amazing that "as I give to the world, so the world will give to me."

Sweet little Love is waking up.  I hear her playing in her crib, so I'm off to work and entertain some darling girls.  I love my job and the companionship these little beings offer me.  I am grateful for the sun and its bright reflection on all that snow outside.  I am grateful to know "this too shall pass."

Friday, January 22, 2010

I'm Taking The Pledge.

Distracted drivers are 4 times more likely to have an accident than drivers not on the phone. And, that is just talking on the phone.  TEXTING on the phone while driving is the equivalent to having FOUR ALCOHOLIC DRINKS and then getting behind the wheel.  I will no longer use my phone while driving.  It is not that important any more. 

Check this out for more information.

I'm not a fan of being an Oprah advertiser, but am so impressed by this campaign I really want to pass it along. 

"We have precious cargo in our cars: ourselves and our families.  Why would we put that in danger?" 

waiting....and seeing.

The snow shuts down Prescott.  I feel a little shut down, too.  Work has been canceled today and I am supposed to have a shift tonight at the hospital.  I'm just not sure what to do.  The snow is pouring down.  I am dog sitting with sweet Rosie, who loves the snow; she's having a ball rolling around, eating it, coming in covered in flakes!  I'm not at my home.  If I were at home, what would I do:

I'd probably study.  All of my study stuff is at home.  Of course.  When I was packing yesterday for this house sitting gig I didn't think to grab my study stuff because I thought I would just do it today.  Now, we're drenched with at least eight inches of snow and though I have a 4WD car I can use, part of me is a little hesitant to get out in it.

I tried to get online to watch the Acid Bace Imbalance and Fluid Electrolyte lecture, but this computer is a mac, and I am sooooo not mac proficient.  The lecture won't load.  So, I'm a little stuck.

I'm waiting...and seeing.

I'm just not sure what to do with my day!  It's almost 11a.  I'm still in pj's.  (Love that.)  I woke up at 715a to blankets of snow, a yard made of winter dreams, and a puppy eager to play outside.  This weather is just miraculous.  It's gorgeous, and a little scary and really stops life.  I'm surprised how fearful I am to get out.......And, I have a little bit of the lonely's too.  I made a lot of phone calls this morning and that helped.  It always helps to reach out when I'm lonely.  And, because of that my phone is on it's last battery bar...and guess where the charger is??? Yep. My house.  So, either way, I know I'm going to have to get out of this house at some point to head over to my place to get my phone charger, my study things, some more food, and a few more changes of clothes.

The mayor declared a State of Emergency for Prescott due to yesterday's rain.  We got near 4 inches of rain in a 12 hour period on top of all the snow we already had.  The creeks are completely raging and full.  I am sooo grateful I live on top of a hill, and the second story apartment to boot! I'm grateful the house I'm sitting in is warm, with power, and on a hill, too.  There is so much water circling around---through the arroyos, the streets are soaked, our high desert is soaking soaking soaking up so much water that the ground is drenched and power poles are becoming uprooted! 

What an interesting couple days.

I'm off to shower and get ready for the day.  I'll make my decision about getting out in this weather then.  I know I'll have to get to my house at some point, and probably better now while the weather is still wet and mushy and not frozen and icy.

Hope you're safe wherever you are....

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Some Time Alone

Thursday, January 21, 2010
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
Too many activities, and people, and things. Too many worthy activities, valuable things, and interesting people. For it is not merely the trivial which clutters our lives but the important as well.
—Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We need interaction with others, and we need activities. We have many gifts to offer those who cross our paths, and we need the many gifts they have to offer us. But we soon have little to share, to give to others, if we neglect the special times, the empty spaces needed for nurturing the soul.

Some time away from people, activities, and things, some time away to commune with God, to seek guidance, to seek security in the fullest sense, will prepare us to better give our gifts to others. That time alone will also ready us to accept others' gifts to us.

It is true we find God's message in others. But the time alone with God lowers the barriers that too often prevent us from hearing another of God's messages as expressed through the friends and even foes who cross our paths.

My gift to myself is some time alone. I deserve that gift today and every day.

I find this completely and lovingly appropriate as the snow is coming down and my car is stuck in the garage and I have no idea what this day has in store.  some fabulous time with God ahead.

First Day of School!

Views from the porch of The Light House:

Woke up to loads of snow this morning, and it's still coming down.  Today is the day of the 'big storm.'  Up to 12 inches is expected for Prescott, and Flagstaff is expecting around  THREE FEET OF SNOW. (this week!) Whoa.  So, for the first day of school, classes have been canceled.  My work this morning has been canceled and I have no idea about working from 11 - 4.  Is it still happening? No idea.  I'm supposed to start dogsitting for sweet Rosie today, too, and just not sure what's happening.  One of my dear friends is suffering a lot right now and it's hard not really knowing what to do.  I'm making lots of prayers for her safety and health.  What an interesting time!  Our little town just shuts down completely when weather hits, and I love it.  I don't love being stuck at home, and wondering what's going to happen with my schedule and my day, but you know, that's okay.  A perfect time for still prayer & journal time.  I hope wherever you are, you're blessed with quiet stillness.  It is truly magical this world in which we live.

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

ipod saga continues...

i have been given an assignment with regard to this ipod business.
write the pros and cons of a) fixing the current lovely powerhouse and b) getting the brandest newest ipod touch.

i haven't done that yet.

instead, i've spent another hour of my time looking at 8GB nano's and 2GB shuffles.

good grief.

and speaking of grief.  i think i'm seriously grieving the loss of this little musical friend.  i haven't been to the gym IN A WEEK due to this loss of music.  what is that about???  i think this blog says it all.  YIKES.

my day has been really super super.  had my psych nursing orientation today and really think this class will be great.  got a bit of organization done, and am off to staples to buy those expensive 3inch binders to get super duper organized.  i just got a facial.  an awesome little treat for myself for being a good little hard worker over winter break.  then, after staples, i'm off to my good friend beth's house to eat thai food and catch up a bit.  VERY VERY excited for some good friend time.

any advice about ipod purchasing???? is it the money i'm afraid to spend? is it smart to try an online company to fix my current broken little gem of music loveliness?  should i just get a little shuffle in the interim?  i know i definitely do NOT want to stop working out just because of some silly little ipod glitch.


well, off to finish out this day...

We Pause...And Ask

From today's Daily Reflections
I have nothing else to add except to say AWESOME., perfect, just so very well said. 

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.87
Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I would respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgment to become discernment; to defer to silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend. I promise to watch for every opportunity to turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I know where this power is: it resides within me, as clear as a mountain brook, hidden in the hills – it is the unsuspected Inner Resource. I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all effort to find the right thought or action today.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

sad no more.

i am going to do all in my power to attend this madness.  and i find it oddly ironic the price of the three-day pass is the same as an ipod touch. duh duh dummmmm.....CHOICES! love it!

any takers?? who wants to coachella with me?!?!?


it clicked for me today why i haven't been super into working out: my ipod is sadly broken.
the right speaker (no matter what 3.5mm jack i use) goes in and out and sometimes no sound at all.
i went to Argosy West to see what good news they had for me.
alas, NONE.

no wonder i haven't been too keen on jumping around like a cardio lover. the music isn't there to fuel me.
ho hum.

my solutions are:
1. fix it myself (ewwwwww!)
2. send it to a third party fixer and have them fix it.
3. call apple and see what they say.
4. buy an ipod touch. (that feels like the easiest solution....and totally fuels my desire for want want want.)

once i figured out why i haven't been so gung-ho about the gym, i definitely feel better.  just sad my powerhouse music source isn't functioning at its best.
poor little guy.

Round-The-Clock Faith

From today's Daily Reflections
Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.16
The essence of my spiritually, and my sobriety, rests on a round-the-clock faith in a Higher Power. I need to remember and rely on the God of my understanding as I pursue all of my daily activities. How comforting for me is the concept that God works in and through people. As I pause in my day, do I recall specific concrete examples of God’s presence? Am I amazed and uplifted by the number of times this power is evident? I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my God’s presence in my life of recovery. Without this omnipotent force in my every activity, I would again fall into the depths of my disease – and death.
faith: confidence or trust in a person or thing, or belief not based on proof.  

i think both definitions apply to my higher power.  i have intense confidence and trust in my higher power and believe without seeing this god. yet, i find the second definition lacking.  i have so many examples of 'proof' of my belief.  faith is such a personal matter.  i don't think it can be judged or defined simply; i'll try, anyway.  for me, my faith is integral to my wellness and participation.  when i practice my faith and show up within it, all is well.  i can go days (though i soooo don't like to) where i don't interact with my higher power or seek to strengthen my relationship.  lately, that hasn't been happening as much:  i've made a very sincere effort the past six weeks to encourage my faith and my conscious contact with my higher power.  it's been amazing.  

i do pause throughout my day and see god's presence in my life.  i am uplifted and amazed many times a day by this power and how often it is evident.  

i think the best gift of recovery i've received is the relationship i have with a power great than myself.  it took a  lot of struggle to understand that this simple idea could be the point of recovery for me.  i don't really struggle anymore.  such a gift.  i see that my struggles can be helpful to others, and i'm grateful for that.  i'm grateful when struggle creeps in, i have a plan of action.  i have steps i can take, people i can reach out to, and a higher power to go to for strength.  i see also that i just so don't know the point of any of this life stuff.  so, why am i trying to figure it out so fiercely?  perhaps, i can just put my best faith into action and trust my higher power has the goods all figured out.  i just need to show up.  after all, 'participation is the key to harmony.' 

we have loads of snow forecast for our little town this week, and it's really exciting.  school starts for me tomorrow with my psych nursing orientation, then lecture begins for me thursday night.  i'm super excited....i have a bit more prep work to do before i can say 'i'm ready' but am grateful i've already been studying and that fact makes me feel ready, too.  even if my binders aren't all organized and all that silly stuff.  

i work for about six hours today and then get to do dance class tonight.  my desire for fitness has been put off a bit my fatigue.  i worked a 2300 - 0700 shift friday night, and i think it took more out of me than i expected.  i'm thankful for yesterday's day off. i enjoyed resting so much, and have a very severe crush on Jon Hamm.  did you see him at the Golden Globes? with the beard? YUM. 

well, all in all, today's starting out great.  i slept super duper (dreamed of the ex-fiancĂ©, wowza. that was something to wake up to...and still so vivid!)  and am having delicious coffee.  now, off to work. 

grateful for the goodness about faith today. i'm looking forward to relying on the god of my understanding as i go about my daily activities.  it is so amazing to not ever feel alone. 

Monday, January 18, 2010

accidental day off

i woke this morning fatigued, so tired and in desperate need of a day off.
lo and behold, i got one.
get better vibes being sent right now to the little one with a fever.
i am so thankful to be having this day....
complete with breakfast this morning with a lovely gentleman, the laundry getting done, my last paper for SOC 120 finished and emailed off, meeting with some anonymous types for a much need hour, checking in and lovin' on a Leta friend post surgery, chowing on a very delicious veggie burger, watching some hilarious 30 Rock (your hand feels like a warm pillow !!!), and now! it's not even 530p!
i welcomed home my lovely roommate from Japan is so nice to have her home.
i am wondering if i'm going to hit the gym tonight, or pop in disc three of Mad Men. it's feeling like a Mad Men night.

i feel so super blessed to have been given this day off.  so what i needed, and wow! it just materialized in front of me.  very very lovely.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

ghost story.

When I was little, my brother made fun of me a lot.  I think it's a requisite chore of older brothers--make fun of younger half-sibling.  Especially when she doesn't live with you and you have to have her pesky little self around every other weekend.

He was terrible about my clumsy ways.  I was such an awkward child.  I had bruises all the time (not much has changed there; still clumsy and easily bruised!) and would drop things often.  You know that ohmygosh-almost-had-it-feeling where you're holding something and it just nearly slips out of your hands? I feel growing up that happened to me a lot.  Or, I would just plum drop things.  It happened often!  And, let's be honest.  It just still happens.

My brother died in 1995.  It's been 14 1/2 years since he's been on this planet.  And, since he's been gone, something has come up for me.  When I have that almost drop something feeling, and I catch whatever was about to go plummeting from my grasp, I think it's Andy helping me.  I feel like it's his little self catching my clumsy and being there for me.  It may be silly, but I've thought this for so long that it's hard to think differently now.  It's become my way of remembering Andy as a mean big brother and then thanking him for being there for me.

Well, this morning, I had a soap situation in the shower.  Scrub scrub scrub, lathering up to wash my face.  The soap slipped from one hand to the other and then near fell from my hands to the tub floor, but I caught it.

I thought, "Right on, Andy.  Thanks, Bro."
Then, I giggled, and I said, "Dude. Get out of the shower! Sheesh! Can't a sister get some privacy?"

I've had a really great morning and wanted to share my little ghost story.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

gooooood news

no matter where you are in your menstrual cycle, this news is bound to cheer you up!

i got the new Vampire Weekend album for $3.99.
my spirits have lifted thanks to some afro-pop.
thank goodness!


can suck it.


Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives. Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 44
When I am having a difficult time accepting people, places or events, I turn to this passage and it relieves me of many an underlying fear regarding others, or situations life presents me. The thought allows me to be human and not perfect, and to regain my peace of mind.

i'm having difficulty accepting my irritability, physical discomfort and crabby grouchy attitude.
this reading helped. but i'm still crabby. ergh.

I'm so crabby I didn't reference the reading:
it's January 12 from Daily Reflections. 
sorry about that.
about twenty minutes later, my sweetly foamed latte is helping the crab a bit.  a bit.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

milk frother!

today was an enormous day.
i bought a hand held battery operated milk frother.
i cannot WAIT for tomorrow's coffee time.

just got home from working out---i gave myself permission to take today off, laid down to read and possibly nap, and then wasn't tired anymore, so i got dressed for the gym.  had a good cardio sesh.  i feel like i took it a little bit easier today since today was an extra day. (and for the count, day seven of working out IN A ROW. yep. that's right. **high five**)

went to the market and bought some good food, but really, all i want to do is eat chocolate chip cookies with soy milk and watch Lost.  i'm only on the first season!  and it's good!!!  i just finished disc two of Season One of Mad Men, and dear goodness, i'm loving this show!  can't wait for the next disc to arrive from netflix!

wanted to post this quote, by Eric Butterworth, from his book, Spiritual Economics
The word 'affluence' is an overworked word in our time, usually implying cars and houses and baubles of all kinds.  Its literal meaning is 'free flow,' and not things at all.  When we are consciously centered in the universal flow, we experience inner direction and the unfoldment of creative activity.  Things come too, but prosperity is not just having things.  It is the consciousness that attracts the things. 
i include the quote with chagrin as i boast about my new milk frother.  :)
happy sunday!

Saturday, January 09, 2010


i was having that nap i mentioned before and woke up to my phone ringing.  it was my RN for tonight, and she'd been called off her shift because there's only one patient on the floor.  therefore, i'm not working tonight. 

go figure.

i slept for an hour and twenty minutes.  i think i'll be able to head home and just crawl back into bed......

so funny i spent so much time today figuring out what i was feeling, writing, praying, giving all this stuff to God.  to have this be the outcome. 

'nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in god's world by mistake.....'

l'chaim. :)

Mazel Tov!

I can't get The Black Eyed Peas song I Gotta Feeling out of my head.
You know the chorus? 'Tonight's gonna be a good night....'

I went for a run this morning and finally put some new music on the good ol' ipod to jam out to.  Such a great run. I'm finding my distance is getting longer for the same amount of time I'm on the treadmill---and this week was the first week I followed Body For Life completely, in its entirety.  I feel amazing.  And super super proud of myself, and grateful for God's role in my life with regard to fitness.  Something has clicked.  It has clicked before with fitness because I adore working out.  I love the runner's high, the sweat and the challenge of moving my body.  Previous 'clicks' have been short lived and I've never gone more than five days consecutively working out.  This week I did six. 

Since beginning dancing May '09 and seeing really fantastic results with my weight loss just by adding fitness, and maintaining a healthy organic vegan diet, the click feels more sincere.  I've shared I'm terrified at failing with regard to my body and my fitness.  This week feels like a milestone.  I didn't fail.  I showed up and did the work.  I feel higher powered in this because getting to the gym was challenging.  Mostly, tho', I feel like God got me there.  I feel like I'm showing up for God so God can do for me with my body what I haven't been able to do for myself.  And, I'm allowing myself to be flexible in the process.  If I don't get to the gym at 7a, I allow myself to go later.  If it's a lifting day and I feel like running, I run, and lift the next day, or later.   And, I have to share this story too. 

Yesterday was a super busy day for me.  Up at 0610, gym at 0645, lifted arms til 0800, rushed home with enough time to prepare breakfast, coffee, and get showered and dressed.  I had to be out the door at 0835 and I think I was out by 0837.  Pretty good for this girl.  Busy day---had kiddos til 1430, then had to pick up my scrubs from Juanita's Alterations (Preceptee patches sewed on the left arm--more later), get to the library to print info for my class starting Monday, and ran to the market for a few quick items.  Crazy day! 

I walked into my house at 1630.  And, it smelled strongly of gas.  I thought, 'that's weird. i used the oven this morning, but it usually doesn't stay smelling like gas all day.'  (yes, I think in complete sentences.:) I walked to the kitchen to put things away and noticed one of the knobs on the range was tilted.  Not in the straight up and down 'off' position. OHMYFREAKINGGOD.  The flame was still going on low.  ALL DAY LONG. That's right.  Eight hours of front burner flame going.  ALL DAY. 

I went into action mode, slightly concerned that my static electricity might cause me to explode? I shut of the burner, opened doors and windows, and then, having enough recovery, THANK YOU GOD, I took my Sonja cat outside and we went to get the mail.  I reached out to my Reach Out Peeps, and left three messages.  (that's my max when I'm in a crisis.  I get three tries to reach out.  If I get three voice mails, then I start praying.)  I realized I felt like such a (sorry for the swearing) piece of shit human.  Who freaking leaves their range on ALL DAY LONG?!??!? Ohmygod. I'm a piece of shit human. 

Program has taught me that when I'm troubled, I pray and do the next indicated thing.  Well, the gas smell was getting better--it was pretty much gone with all the cool air wafting in.  And, I started doing the dishes--It's amazing how my dishes are always done now that I'm in recovery. :) I was feeling so awful. Ohmygosh, awful.  Piece of shit awful.  And, I got this thought.  "OOOH!! I can go for a run, and I'll get the runner's high and I'll feel better."  The thought made me stop doing dishes. 

I looked out my window, and thought some more:  

So, I think I can exercise to feel better?? Is that where I am now?  Sure, a great choice.  Exercise is a wonderful, amazing, life altering affair.  I am enjoying it loads.  But, I'm not about to start using it to avoid feeling and to then, feel better! Nope.  It would be different if I hadn't already did a huge workout in the morning.  Going again would have been using exercise to stop feeling my current feelings.  So, I continued looking out my window and prayed some more, and asked God to give me the strength to get through my feelings.  No lie: about fifty-two seconds later this thought rushed through me:

"You know, I made a mistake.  But, I'm not a bad person.  I'm really okay." 

Then, wouldn't you know it, I felt better. 

The three calls I made for reaching out called me back at various points during my night, and it was amazing to hear experience, strength and hope around my frick up from other people.  Two of the three women I heard from had the same thing happen to them---oh how wonderful!  I'm not alone in my screw ups!!!  And, I'm not a bad person for screwing up, either. 

You know, I might have felt differently if my house exploded and my cat died, but guess what?? I don't have to go there.  Because my house didn't explode.  And, my cat is so lovingly alive.

Back to the Black Eyed Peas:
Tonight, I start my first shift Preceptoring at our local hospital in Labor & Delivery.   I am so thrilled.  And, so completely void of expectation.  I had a great afternoon of working the steps around my fear about tonight, and so much great goodness came out of this afternoon.  I haven't slept yet, and am going to try for an hour of shut eye after I finish this post---then I work from 2300 to 0700. 

The cool part?  I might get to see a birth tonight.
I get to show up and be of service to some women and families expecting the arrival of a new human to this amazing planet.  I get to be a nurse tonight.  I get to show up for God tonight. 

How lucky am I?  And, how blessed I get to set aside whatever fear is crippling me and show up to the best of my God given ability.

So, yes, Tonight's gonna be a good night.


Thursday, January 07, 2010

I'll have what she's having.

I have loads to post about----
life is grand right now, but wanted to share my amazing experience at the gym this morning.

been on a huge kick with the Body For Life work out.  my work out buddy and i revamped the lower body lifting so OhMyGOODNESS my legs and butt are sooo sore today.  you guys know what i mean, right??? that pain after a good lifting workout where sitting on the toilet is just about the most painful thing ever.....where you wait to pee to the very last second because you're avoiding the muscle pain?? and, at the same time, the muscle pain is so exhilarating! I'm alive!

so, today was cardio and i've been doubling the cardio because at the root, i LOVELOVELOVE cardio.  i've been doing 20 minutes on the elliptical and then running for 20 minutes and i've been hitting the runner's high each time i'm running. SO EXCITING.  today was an especially far out super duper work out because my legs are so sore, I think.  the music was pushing me, the vibe in the gym was good, and i was on point.

afterward, i grabbed a mat and was stretching away and did some crunches, too.  feeling so amazing.....
i took my hair down from the crazy up 'do from where it was tied, and was breathing and smiling, feeling good.

there was an older gentleman next to me, and we caught eyes in the mirror's reflection and i smiled.

i said, 'i just realized i'm making all kinds of noises right now. i just had a great work out.'

he said, 'yeah, i was smiling inside because you're reminding me of that movie, you know, the one with meg ryan where she makes all those noises in the cafe and the lady across the counter says, 'i'll have what she's having?'  that's how you sound.'

SO, post amazing cardio work out, mid stretching, i sound like i'm having an orgasm.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

addicted, maybe.

The cute fella of a few months ago mentioned once that music can be an addiction.  I shuddered..
I still shudder.
I have such a physiologic response to that statement..
Probably because it's true for me.  I'm so insanely addicted to music that to have it even SLIGHTLY PROPOSED of being taken away I gasp and scowl and make a very mean face.

This song, this band, The Avett Brothers. Oh my goodness.  Got their 2007 album Emotionalism last week, super amazing deal through amazon's mp3 page. Love their deals....And, man, this album is just so sustainable and fabulous.

It's been on repeat and my iTunes Genius especially loves it, mixing it with Josh Ritter, M. Ward, Iron & Wine, Okkervil River.  All my favorite long haired bearded singer string-plucking dudes singing songs I just happen to be so daringly inclined to.

Without further ado, here is my most recent addiction:

Monday, January 04, 2010

A View To A Kill

The view from my balcony tonight---Arizona sunsets are just phenomenal. I am so lucky!
I love the view of Thumb Butte, with its still snowy north face.
I love all the power lines--no matter how great a shot I try to take, they're in the way, reminding me I'm in town...
The colors tonight were just amazing.

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intentional rebellion.

I've mentioned I'm reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith on loan from the library, and I'm nearly done...have about sixty more pages before I finish. The bummer is that it was due back today. Yep.  And this song cannot leave my head about me keeping the darned book until I finish it.  It's on hold by another anticipating reader, so I couldn't renew, though I did try!  Talk about motivation to finish a book!  30 cents a day until I get it back to the good ol' folks at Yavapai College Library.
Living on the edge!
Off to go read!

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Our life is not a movie or maybe

A little homage to Okkervil River in the title..
I've been wanting to do a movie theme post for a week now, and now that the little kiddo I'm tending is asleep and I have the evening to be chill and relaxed, a perfect time has presented itself. 

There's the saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."  Well, the last five movies I've watched have really brought that saying to life.  My December was a little funky.  The cute fella decided he didn't want to be my cute fella anymore and I found this news super hard to take.  My great buddy, Becky, departed this great town for a world adventure.  The holidays were impending.  A lot felt heavy about December and I don't know that I handled it all the best, though I do know I handled it exactly the best way I possibly could.

So, yay! to my delight that God would provide these awesome films for me to look at things from a different perspective. 
The first film:

I got to watch this one with Becky, which just felt so appropriate.  A film about a journey and fulfilling a life goal watched with a friend about to embark on a life-dreamed journey.  While I was watching and loving the animation and the story, it hit me:  Carl is desperate to get his home to a certain special spot.  Just desperate.  Fixated, really.  It's got to look like Carl wants it to look. It just HAS TO!  He's forgetting that it's about the journey, and not the destination.  And then it hit me again! Of course!! It's about showing up to the best of my ability TODAY and trusting the process.  When I let go of the outcome and what I want to happen, turns out I get to have loads more fun in being, trusting, living.  I know it's fairytale to say this, and perhaps in the Disney Pixar storyline, but things just work out so much better than Carl's plan could have foretold.  When the movie ended, I was reminded the same holds true for my life.  I don't need to inflate a billion balloons with helium and rescue a rare bird to have what I want come true.  I just have to show up to the best of my ability and trust the process, and thank goodness, let go of the outcome. 

Christmas day held a double-feature.  I didn't know they would relate so much to me, but they sure did.  The second film:

'The story of a man ready to make a connection.' Oh George.  I'll make a connection with you.  ANY TIME.  What I took most from this film is that life changes.  What I want and hold dear to my life, like Ryan Bingham, can change.  I get to change my mind.  And go for it! And show up how I really want to show up in life, and chances are (again, recurrent theme!) it's not going to look how I want it to...I'm going to throw myself out there and be the best self I think I can be, and the person, the situation, the thing I throw myself toward might not want me.  But, at least I did it!  At least I made that effort and got ready to make a connection.  I had been wresting the past month or so about 'What's the Point of Relationships.'  Not feeling that at all with my girlfriends but feeling it strongly with intimate partners if there is no guarantee a relationship is going to work, why go for it???  Strong thoughts, right?? This film presented an entire scene about 'what's the point?'  I felt my heart validated for feeling and thinking these thoughts.  I won't give away how it ends, but love the idea that it's all about making connections.  I do see the point in that. 

Christmas night, cozy in a comfy chair with blanket atop me and girlfriends by my side I watched

I adored this film.  I learned a lot about sweet Julia Child and thought, of course, Meryl Streep, was divine.  Isn't she just divine in everything she does?!??!  Both stories in the film were really fun, and again, this recurrent theme of 'it's not going to look how you think it will.'  BING! I get it, SHEEESH!!! I was also blown away by the hard work each woman underwent.  Following a goal and striving toward learning and doing the best you can takes a lot of hard work.  I'm cool with that.  I'm ready to work hard at this whole letting go of the outcome thing.

The next film

Oh, Charlyne Yi.  What's the point of love?  Oh, who knows!  But thank you so much for asking and making this fun film about your questions, and although you're a tad annoying you seem quite genuine and I enjoyed the end where you said, you know, you put yourself out there, and you get hurt, but at least you did it.  I felt that.

And finally, a gem:

My crush meter was on overload with this film as I have die hards for both Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  It was also a rewatch as I first saw it in the theatre when it was released.  Watching it this second time after my whole cute fella situation, WHOA.  Am I the hopeless romantic?  Am I so desperately looking for the one? Yikes. Daringly reflective I truly enjoyed this film.  I love the music, the style, the feeling of this movie, and the whole FRICK! that is heartbreak and not getting what one wants.  You know, I still am giving mad props to the getting oneself out there and just trying.  At least I tried, you know? 

Movies are grand.  I love motion picture. I love getting lost in a scene, in characters.  I'm grateful all these stories melted together for me, and I did try with this cute fella, and I'm so glad I did.  If I hadn't I don't know I would have come to terms with a few things:
1. I'm ready for a relationship, whatever that looks like and
2. I get to let go of the outcome of my relationships.  I'm not in charge of the outcome. 

I didn't know I needed so badly to be reminded of this but I have been and it's been seriously reinforced with film these past few weeks.  I'm grateful, above all.  And that's a good place to be in. 

Goood Morning!

As far as January's go, this has been a superb one so far.

I went dancing last night.  Yoga Shala held a Nia Dance Jam, free form dancing, last night and it was fun!  The music could have been turned up to 11 and the lights could have been dimmed.  I found myself closing my eyes and truly getting into the meditative space that is The Dance.  I wore the wrong clothes and was uncomfortable for the beginning of the dance--trying to pull my shirt down and my tank up.  Awkward.  Then, the facilitator played a song about 'passion' and she said, 'Now, do something you've never done before in your movement.'  Her saying that sparked me to take off my uncomfortable over shirt and just be me in the tank I had on underneath.  It was really a lot of fun dancing after I took my restrictive top off.

After dancing, fellow dancers and I went to Chi's for some delicious Eggplant Green Curry.  Then, to Raven for tea, a bit of chocolate and a glass of wine.  Downtown felt mellow last night...Not at all like a Friday night.   I'm imagining every one was staying in and taking care of self after a busy night of getting crazy.....I guess that was the neat part of my New Year's Day.  It was so beautifully mellow.  Not because I was hungover or needing extra sleep because I stayed out super late the night before.  It was calm and wonderful like any other day.  It just so happens it's the first of the year.

I really enjoyed the dancing.  I don't recall a New Year's Day where I was active---usually couchin' and chillin' are how I've spent my days past, so to start this year so differently feels really special.  A catalyst for the year ahead.

Today is busy with work and a hang out sesh with my good friend, Beth.  We're planning on watching The Business of Being Born.  Beth hasn't seen it and I simply adore this documentary.  It's available on Instant Watch if you have Netflix.

Not much else really to report--feeling excited about my day and the 'newness' of how this year has started.

OH!!! Speaking of music and blogs, I found this amazing blog!  The author does a radio show once a week on XMU Sirius and I LOVE his plays and his commentary.  I found his blog and am so enjoying reading it.  He (I say he, there might be some she's too; not sure) attaches an mp3 when talking about an artist and I've acquired loads of great new music.  Highly recommend this site!!

Yay Music!