I am sitting here, getting ready to get ready for bed.
I don't want to be in stress or fear about Thursday.
It's creeping in a little bit----did I do enough? I just know I didn't because The Princeton Review book I have isn't completely read.
Did I do just what I had time to do? Yes. I am scared I'll fail, and I'm hopeful I'll pass. I don't want my ego or my self-defeating mind to get the better of me in this process. It is just a test. That's all this is. Just a test. I can weight it in my mind if I want to, but that just makes it bigger than me and I already have a Power Greater than Myself. If I make this exam bigger than God, then I'm sure to fail. No matter what the outcome.
I am tired of studying, and grateful for all I'm learning during this serious review process. Tomorrow, I wake before the sun to catch the sun rise from Trail 317 north of Thumb Butte. Then, I do a practice exam. (more than one if I have time.)
And, a lunch date with a very nice and fun man at noon.
I don't plan to study after lunch.
From lunch, I plan to drive to Mesa to hang with my daddy-o and try to breathe and be calm.
But of course, these are all speculations as to how tomorrow will play out, and I know very well that my days have not been going as I think they should. So...
I get ready for bed, now.
Calmness is trust in action, and I'm grateful I learned that three and a half years ago.
I test in two and a half days, and I believe with every ounce of me that whatever is the result of me sitting down for the National Council Licensure Examination will be God's will.
I trust the breeze, the effort, the coffee, the ginkgo biloba, the music, the books, the people, the experience, the power of this educational experience.
On April 21, I was awarded the Spirit Award from the Nursing Department at Yavapai College.
I am so lovingly and fabulously blessed.
It is humbling and huge to be finishing nursing school With Honors and to be acknowledged by the faculty that taught me the past two years to have Outstanding Performance with my Spirit.
So, as most of you know, I've been struggling. HUGELY.
With this paper.
This last assignment of nursing school.
Like, it was this huge burden of awfulness I couldn't get to the bottom of, attempt, finish. It was really this HUGE DEAL.
I had set all these goals of getting it done by the time I left for San Diego (nope), by April 30 (nope), by May 7 (nope). I knew the last possible day I could turn it in was May 10.
And, in true procrastination fashion, all 24 pages of my Nursing 234 Psychiatric Care Plan Paper are finished, in their folder, ready to be turned in tomorrow, May 10.
I feel now ready to accept accolades for accomplishing nursing school. I feel ready now to hang up my cap and gown and let the wrinkles fall out of it. I feel ready now, to truly celebrate.
It was God's great power that got me through this past month of struggle. I put off and put off and put off...
My sweet friend Becky helped me see on Friday what was going on for me at the core of this huge procrastination---If I got my paper done, and turned in, then I would be finishing school. I would be done. And being done means having to decide what my next step should be. It means I've completed something huge, and the monstrosity of completion and success is so scary!
Becky reminded me that I'm not in charge. My Higher Power's in charge. My Higher Power has it all figured out, and if I show up and do the foot work, I will be provided for. Finishing this paper was the foot work. The miracle is in the completion, in the effort, in the trying.
I kept trying and I didn't give up.
No matter how fearful I am of what life will be like after graduation, what choices I'll have to make. My fear is great. What is greater, though, is my faith in my Higher Power. My belief my life is in God's hands, and I will be taken care of whether I succeed or fail. And, really, it's not in God's plan that I fail. At least not in this moment.
After I got back from San Diego, I stopped at Banana Republic Outlet and tried on so many dresses and suits and jeans and relished in my smaller body and the smaller sized clothes I was putting on....
I also probably didn't drink enough water and was so thirsty and so tired from my travels I didn't buy a single dud. I was just knackered out from all that shopping!
So, I haven't purchases my Graduation Dress yet.
And, I'm tired and headachy and clearly daydreaming away..
This weekend, I'm headed to our sweet little vintage shop, Hop Sing, and I'm going to find that smashing Graduation Garb. Garb is such an awful word to refer to clothing--
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." --Mary Anne Radmacher
Hello Blog World!!
It sure has been a long time!! 21 long days to be exact!
I bet you thought I disappeared, or vanished into the oblivion that is finishing Nursing School. Well, if you thought the latter, you're right. I did not disappear, though. Thank goodness.
I figured since it's been so long since I've written I'll go ahead and do a recap of the past three weeks. How's that sound?
The week of March 29:
Wowza.
I was hit pretty hard with the sniffly, itchy eyes, scratchy throat, snotty fountain of a nose allergies. It was fierce! I had tissues in hand and a Ricola in my mouth most of the time. I think I only started getting relief a week ago---crazy allergy season in the beautiful Arizona Spring.
I was struggling with pretty frequent migraines, too. I have really had much better migraine control since I started eating a vegan diet in 2008--it's been a God Gift, really. I had a migraine Mar 29 & Mar 30. Big yuck. I took my neuro exam on the 29th--the awesome Monday my instructor consented to, and I rocked it! Even with a migraine!!
Nate came for a visit April 2--his spring break began and I got to have lots and lots of Nate time. What a gift! We had such an awesome visit--lots of dates. I think we fit in a month's worth of dating into this entire week. Saw a few movies: he hadn't seen Away We Go yet so we enjoyed that together and same with Fantastic Mr. Fox. Really great films! We saw Date Night at the theatre, too, and that was so fun.
Nate and I spent a month apart. We both agreed we don't want to do a month again--it's too long to spend that much time away from each other. I do marvel at how well we do this long distance thing. I think it helps we both are so busy and have our own lives. We also communicate fantastically well, and often. I think being honest and open, which both of us are, really helps us grow in knowing each other.
The week of April 5:
This week was the big week academically--aside from finishing my Psych paper, I finished up my academics for Nursing School.
On April 5, I finished up my Psych Clinical rotations, and it was really, really lovely. I felt welcomed and appreciated by the women and it was such a great experience.
On April 6, I took my psych final, got an 88--VERY close to getting an A--just need to get an A on my paper, which I will, and then BAMMO!
On April 7, I took my HESI exam (stands for Health Education Systems, Inc) and it's a great little tool our school uses to see how we'll do on NCLEX (the National Council Licensure Examination---it's how I become an RN, by passing NCLEX). Yavapai College and HESI say that if you get above a 900 on HESI you can feel confident to pass NCLEX the first try--My goal was to get at least a 900....And....
I got a 966!
I was sooo thrilled!! Extra points were awarded for those that scored over 1000, and sure, it would have been awesome to have hit that high mark, but really?? I was so happy with my score.
April 7 was also my last shift in the Family Birthing Center. It was a pretty quiet night, and I was very sad to be leaving. And, as luck would have it...At 1220a as I was walking out a patient's room, I got that ohmygod dizzy head spinning feeling, nearly fell over, and felt that impending doom that is the Migraine. I left shortly afterward--headed home to sweet Nate to take amazing care of me. Ohmygosh. It was an AWFUL migraine. My words wouldn't form, my hand and lips went numb. The works. It was CRUMMY.
Thankfully---oh, thank you God, I didn't wake with the headache Thursday morning. I spent the day studying for my last final of nursing school.Wahoooooooo!!! I took the final at 5p and when I walked out, I thought, you know, I probably got an 85....felt really good about it...(I needed at least an 85 to keep my A in the class--) Ended up, with ParScore analysis, which is a gift to all nursing students, I got a 93 on my final.
WHICH MEANS.
(Once that darn Psych paper is in and I get an A on it..)
I WILL GRADUATE NURSING SCHOOL WITH HONORS, WITH A 4.0 IN MY NURSING CLASSES.
This news makes me feel like this:
and like this:
The night of April 8 I invited my girlfriends and sweet Nate out to Raven Cafe to eat a delicious dinner (oh goodness, their new menus is AMAZING.) I felt a huge surge of funk and crazy that night---I don't know. It was trippy....I've been waiting for April 8 the entire semester, knowing this would be the day I was done with school. Now, it was here.
It was a weird feeling.
I was showered with love and congratulations. It was sooooo lovely.
Honestly, though, I felt I was walking in a daze. It was an interesting night.
Leta, Nate and I headed over to Annie's Attic to dance to sweet DJ Wordthieves Magic Spins. It was an okay time. There was a person on the dance floor that my gut was screaming at me to leave--to not have anything to do with this person, even if it meant I didn't get to dance...
I didn't listen to my gut voice.
I will now.
I don't know if I will elaborate on this anymore but I will just say I learned a very valuable lesson that night. I'm glad to have learned it.
I'm also very glad I have someone as strong and loving as Nate as my partner. It has been invaluable to be building a friendship and relationship with this capable and worthy man.
The weekend ended strong with Nate and I dating like lovebirds all over this Prescott town. We make a great couple.
faux pas! you can see my bra! eek!!! we're still cute dancers anyway..... <3
Nate left Sunday afternoon...
The week of April 12.
Weird.
I'm done with school.
Sure, there's that Psych Paper looming. But, eh...
I got back to working with my kiddos this week, and it was so lovely. I treated myself to a massage on Monday. Greta is AMAZING.
Tuesday I worked until 2p and then Becky and I headed to Tempe to get all awesome with Ezra and the boys of Vampire Weekend. Here's a little snippet, thanks to all the young scenesters that felt the need to photograph and video the entire thing. I will say, in the moment, I was totally irritated. Now, for my blogging use, I'm totally happy!
Wednesday & Thursday I worked like crazy, and gosh, with this spring weather, and the amazing kiddos I tend, I have had the best week.
I was supposed to go to Rocky Point this weekend for a Women's Spiritual Sobriety Retreat. And, man! Did I need the recovery this weekend....My recovery has taken a bit of a break with school being so demanding. I haven't gone to near the amount of meetings I usually go to and though my prayer life is remaining strong, I haven't sought the fellowship of my recovery community due to being so busy with school.
Thursday, though, I had this really strong feeling that I needed to stay in Prescott. That I should just stay here and take care of me.
I don't really know what spurred this thought, but I prayed about it and journaled about it...and my gut was just saying STAY. Don't go.
So, I stayed.
I am so glad I did.
I've taken such great care of myself...cleaned my house, which was in desperate need of attention. Organized my life. Journaled. Ate well, and cooked well. Spent hours outside--just being outside. Oh, glorious.
I took a bath with lavender salts and a righteous mud mask while watching Lost Season One.
GLORIOUS.
And, now we're here.
It's been three weeks since I've last blogged, and so much has happened. I focused more on school finishing in my recap because that feels like the biggest thing--I sent out my graduation invites on Thursday. (Very excited to scan them and get that out there for y'all to see---you know, I can invite the blog world, too!) It's been a wild ride, this finishing of my degree but exciting, too.
I am so glad to be home, in my own space (I didn't mention it but I housesat for Rosie for eleven days the past three weeks, too...no wonder I wasn't really in a blogging mood...) It's fabulous to take great care of myself and be more grounded in my spirit and self.
I also leave for San Diego Tuesday.
I'm headed to see Nate on his turf for six long days.
I'm excited...
Thanks to those of you who mentioned you missed my online presence---the feedback is awesome and I value and appreciate your support!!
Hope your weekend has been as glorious and fabulous as mine,
Last night, I had a great, tiring shift at the hospital. It was very slow. I took care of two 'couplets.' Mama's and babies...No deliveries happened and it was a super quiet night.
I worked with a different RN, and it was an awesome experience--my hope and faith have been restored in my field and I will continue this journey. (At least that's how I feel right now.)
I should have been done last night. Given all the scheduling I've done for my preceptorship, last night should have been my last shift. My instructor came in this morning as shift was ending and said, excitedly, "You're done, right?"
"No. I'm not done. I have 30 more hours."
I am almost going to that shoulding on myself space where I wish it were different than it is.
I also know myself well. I know I needed the time off I took, instead of working my shifts. I don't feel this preceptorship has been very indicative of 'real world nursing' as my school promises because I'm completely involved in my course work at the same time. I don't feel I've shown up with the most honorable work ethic because I have a lot on my plate. I'm aware of all of this.
I came home this morning around 0745, washed my face, took a shower, and climbed into bed. I prayed as I was falling to sleep that I could sleep straight until 1400. My first wake up time was 1045. (Not the elusive 1400.) Then, I woke up again at 1145, and managed after a little potty break to sleep all the way to 1330!!! YAY! I was so thrilled when I rolled over and saw on the clock I made it to afternoon! Wahooooo!! I stayed in bed til 1430 and now, have had coffee, "breakfast" and even laid out in the sunshine of this Brisk Spring Day for some solid Vitamin D synthesis.
I got good rest. While I was laying in bed deciding if I could sleep more or if getting up was my next action, I meditated on what I was feeling. My should thoughts kept coming up--how I should be done with my preceptorship, should be done studying all my content, should have my part of our communication project completed by now, shouldshould should should should.
With all the shoulds I meditated on what it would mean if I truly LET GO of how I was feeling. I took some deeeeeep breaths. I put my left hand on my heart and my right hand on my belly and breathed.
I imagined myself on this wind current, traveling through the What Is.
I imagined what it would be like if I didn't attach myself to my feelings. I imagined that serenity-space that could so delicately embrace me if I weren't trying so forcefully to have things be different than they are.
I prayed.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (From Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, p. 449)
For today, I am willing to let go of the feelings I have around school, nursing, working hard, relationships. For this moment, I embrace the action of living life on life's terms, welcome my Higher Power into my soul and seek the moment.
From July 30 in One Day At A Time in Al-Anon
This day belongs to me. I can do wonderful things with it, creative things, including the creation of order in my surroundings and in my mind. Nobody else owns my particular segment of time, so it depends only on me how well I will fill every moment to my satisfaction. Al-Anon tells me to live one day at a time. This is that day
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will be unafraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
I'm off to play with darling girls, Sira & Kidney, and one sweet Mineral. :)
I am a bit deficient in attention this morning. One could say I'm sufferin' with the ADD.
I've been sitting here the past hour and a half popping from blog to pandora to god-awful face book to my journal in front of me back to my email and all over the place. I'm completely lacking focus.
I just read this from today's One Day At A Time in Al-Anon:
But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives. Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation and then deciding what we will do about it.
Fighting futility is just a waste of energy, Samantha. Either do something or quit fretting--Celebra Tueli.
Well, thank you. I accept my deficient attention and focus. I choose to focus now on what I can change--I'm going to blog about my unrest and then put on a lecture and get my brain to studying.
Sometimes when I read my daily readers, I feel they are just for me, just for the moment I'm in. It is eerie, coincidental and god-given.
From today's Courage To Change
"Anything worth doing," goes a slightly cock-eyed version of the old saying, "is worth doing badly." Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis are three of the worst effects of alcoholism upon my life.
If I'm unwilling to perform a task badly, I can't expect to make progress toward learning to do it well. The only task I can pretend to perform perfectly is the one I have left entirely undone.
I have seen how my perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis has prevented me from growing this past week. I have shown up for a lot and I have allowed myself to not show up for some things. I feel vulnerable and delicate. My health isn't consistent. Some days I feel like a million bucks and some days I feel weak and frail. I have been saying for about three months that this coming up is going to be really hard work. "Soon, I'll be working really hard."
I had the realization yesterday that NOW is the time I'm working really hard. It's NOW. It's not coming up. It's NOW.
With the Nate, I've had lots of talks about Present Moment Awareness. (I personally like that the acronym for Present Moment Awareness is the same as Positive Mental Attitude. How synonymous they are!) For this new relationship, my focus is a lot on being completely in the moment. It is very difficult. I want to go to that far away place of planning, future daydreaming, excitement. In a lot of ways, that's how I've been viewing these last few weeks of the semester---Oh, I have 14 DAYS left to work hard. Focusing entirely on what the future will bring...
My error in thinking is it's about the NOW. With Nate, it's about fostering the relationship TODAY. With school, it's about working hard IN THIS MOMENT.
Yes. I will be done with my academic requirements for graduation in 14 days. Yes. I will see Nate in 7 days. Really, though, it's the choices I make today that truly matter, that truly define my integrity and humanity. When I can surrender to this moment, admit my powerlessness, and accept exactly where I am, I get to let go of my attachment to what will be and start being in the What Is.
Part of my daily prayer routine/habit/communion with God is to ask that God direct my thinking, especially that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. Also, I ask that God will give me an intuitive thought, action or decision.
The Big Book says regarding Step 11, Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out, that as far as intuition goes
We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely on it. (The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86 -87)
Tonight, after the third (fourth?) time crying and being frustrated, a thought occurred to me. Maybe I can email my instructor about taking my exam on Monday instead of Thursday?? Is that okay, do you think?? I sent the email.
I'm completely underprepared for Thursday's exam. I have three lectures to watch, reading to do, just the whole shebang. And, yes. I can caffeinate NOW and not sleep until 5p Thursday when I would be required to take the exam.
I got an email back saying Monday would be an okay day for me to take the exam. Yep. More tears. (fifth or sixth time today?)
I instantly thought of this passage in the Big Book---how praying for inspiration, an intuitive thought, or decision serves me....I get to ask for for Help. God is on my side in this thing.....
And, Gosh...you know...even if my instructor had said, 'no,' I absolutely trust I would have been given the strength to do what I need to do by Thursday, too.
I trust. I absolutely trust.
And, I will continue my prayer practice.....
My heart is so full of gratitude it spills out my eyes and tastes of saline.
Written on my mirror, a most apt and needed phrase from Sweet Kate. I slathered on the face mask, ran a hot bath, and contemplated the idea of Keeping my sights on my goal, Keeping Up with the task ahead of me, Washing my face, and finishing this out.
I hope to one day look back on this experience and marvel at the Strength of God getting me through.
I hope to look back on this experience with pride at what I'm accomplishing.
I long to feel different than I do right now.
Tears, frustration, darn throwin' in the towel crud. That's how I feel...It all seems like it would be loads easier than it is right now.
Wouldn't that be the more easier, softer way? Didn't I cry out, "Surely there must be a softer way?" Am I balking now?
God, be my strength. I can't do this without your fierce and powerful guidance.
It's been interesting---I met Nate and that has been going phenomenally. I enjoy him a great deal. We communicate beautifully, and he is fast becoming a dear friend, offering a sincere, kind listening ear. Nate and I became this thing a little over two weeks ago.
I feel once he left to head back to San Diego, I crashed....The week following (last week) I spent fighting a weird stomach bug that came and went. I fought a total disinterest in my studies and finding out my test grade was the worst I've done so far in Nursing School. Just sorta blah.
Then, this week hit. I worked 36 hours at the hospital. And, holy moly it was hard. My shifts were every other day, to boot, so I didn't really acclimate to the night shift schedule. I have been so tired. So very tired. I cut loose a little bit Thursday night and went dancing---only to completely not get enough sleep and wake up with what I feared was Strep Throat. (I have since rediagnosed myself as having a mild chest cold.) I'm feeling sicky.
I've had a few break downs the past week. Tears. I don't want to finish school. I want to give up. I'm tired. I'm so freaking tired. If this is how nursing is going to be, I don't want any part of it. I want to be a Professional Nanny and just play with kiddos all day long. I will be a very capable and very well educated nanny.
And, here's the good part of all this tough stuff this week.
I am so loved. I am so well cared for.
I got a card from my sweet friend Beth saying how proud she is of me, what a great friend I am to her, and how I can do this. She also said these words in email.
Noriko, my roommate, continually supports my crying spells. She takes time out to make rice for me, offers miso soup for me, pours my tea. She does these quiet, kind acts that fill my heart with gratitude and love. God knew what God was doing when combining us as roommates.
My friends have listened to me complain, be discouraged, and want to give up. I am met with listening ears not trying to fix the way I feel. I am met with friends that support where I am at and offer me words of encouragement. I need words of encouragement now more than ever! And, God is providing these words to me through the voices of the people I love.
I may be sick today, but God is providing me with the strength to study.
I have two exams next week, two days of Psych Clinical and two more shifts of interning.
I'm grateful for these words I've read in my studying for my Psych exam:
Anxiety is part of the human condition. We treat anxiety with positive self-talk and reframing difficult situations
Mild anxiety can be motivating, produce growth and creativity, and increase learning.
Comforting! I'm studying and yet learning how to promote growth in my own crazy self right now. What a gift!!
At 0945 there was a knock at my door.
Nate sent me flowers. Gorgeous huge enormous beautiful Spring Flowers. What a gift!! It's the first day of Spring, and Nate sent me get well flowers. GRATEFUL.
It's been hard to see the silver lining of what feels like a huge black steaming shitcloud.
I am grateful, though. It helps to remember I have a power greater than myself that will provide me strength to persevere and be diligent. I must remember to ask for help as well.
I will get through all this.
I will graduate from nursing school.
I will be successful in my endeavors to finish the work load ahead of me.
I will take care of myself in this process.
I will 'Keep Up' as my Yogi Tea quoted to me today.
I will find time for exercise, meetings, quiet solace with my higher power, and studying.
I will enjoy the sunshine, the glorious Arizona Sunshine greeting me with its love and warmth this afternoon.
I will laugh and play.
I will remember my feelings are not facts; they're not permanent. This too shall pass.
I will be grateful. Even for the shitclouds.
Spring Break has officially started. I am a fan of the Spring Break. A week holiday in the middle of Spring Semester??? Yes, Please. Spring Break 1999 I spent gallivanting Cambridge and Boston, Massachusetts. Spring Break 2008 was spent in Cambria and San Francisco, California. 2009? Oahu, Hawai'i.
2010?
Prescott, Arizona.
Working.
My.
Exhausting.
Preceptorship.
I chose this. Or, rather, I was willing for this experience. December 7, 2009 I turned in a form to my instructor letting her know I'd be willing do my preceptorship concurrently with my course load my last semester of school---this is usually not the case. Usually we do our courses, then have four weeks in April-May to finish our preceptorship without the mess of having to study for exams, do papers and projects during this last stretch of semester. So, things are busier for me. I was willing and this is God's plan for me.
This does not mean I will be happy or able or accepting of my current situation.
Yesterday I was so tired. I was so so so so tired. I did NOT want to go into the hospital. Friday night's shift was super busy with a little growth curve lesson thrown my way and I had some pride to swallow. I had a thought during Friday's shift when I was so frustrated by all the paperwork we have to do that 'Frig This! I don't want to be a nurse! There's too much paper work!!' (That's right, Layla. Good reason to quit now. It did remind me of the my thoughts back in September when I was too nervous to hang blood for a transfusion because there were too many steps involved and I really did think: I'll have to always get someone to do this for me. The same thought applies here, I think. I have to break down before I can start accepting the way things are.)
I did a good thing yesterday, amidst my fatigue. I reached out.
Thank you, Nate. You reminded me my strength lies in a beautiful space that is bigger and more quiet than I am. When I got still, the tears came. With the tears, the gratitude came, and I didn't feel so helpless or in need of giving up.
Charlsie. Oh Thank You. Your seven minute conversation supporting my education efforts was huge! You reminded me how rewarding this profession is and that dedication and hard work mean I DON'T GIVE UP. It's like everything I want to succeed at---I don't give up. Tenacity does not imply ease.
And, to my instructor, Sally. Thank you. I left a most frantic tear-filled message for you about how I want to quit school (agasp! with three weeks left!) and I needed to talk about this stress and these feelings. You called me back and left me a dear message in return, reminding me that I am not a Lost Cause, this is NORMAL, and I'm okay! You said that 'Fatigue makes cowards of us all.' When weary, we become afraid. I've become weary. And, I was afraid.
All this amazing support and help!! I went to the hospital for my shift last night and it was phenomenal. I assisted with a pretty serious delivery. It was a huge learning experience and I was also able to express myself to the nurse I work with---I told her how I wanted to give up this school thing because it's hard, and really, I haven't finished a whole lot educationally. She understood and was so very supportive.
Fatigue does make me a coward. I am more fearful when I'm tired. I'm more aware of my shortcomings and my vulnerability. I am more aware of my humanity when I'm vulnerable. The good news to this, though, is through my cowardice, I'm afforded courage. Isn't Courage Fear that has said its Prayers? Can I be fearful and prayerful at the same time? Can I trust this process, be willing and participatory?
I am being made, here. A friend posted on her facebook status a year or more ago while she was going through a pretty physical training: This is what dedication feels like.
I may be tired, but this is what dedication feels like.
in this tired moment i'm looking forward to some things:
at least until i find a job in my field, i will really enjoy not being this tired. nursing is tiring. it's demanding on my body and on my heart. after apr 1, i will enjoy the six weeks of not working in the hospital so i can sleep during the night and feel well-rested.
not always answering or wanting to answer 'tired' to the question 'how are you?'
when it's a gorgeous saturday outside, i will be so excited when i don't need to sleep through the sun, warmth and beauty that is Prescott in the spring. (right now, i am so tired, i need to sleep more; it's amazing outside. i have pangs of guilt sleep is more important than my being outside in Arizona sun.)
not having to do myriad nurse's notes, flow sheets, med recon sheets, assessment data sheets, labor flow sheets, baby papers, ohmygosh we double and triple chart on that freaking floor; it's so exhausting, frustrating and i do not like it! i was near tears last night realizing i'm writing in two places the same information. when this internship is over, i will be very thrilled for the six weeks i have between internship and graduation not having to chart on a patient's status.
i am excited to be a nurse. (huh? all this negative talk!) i really am excited. last night was so busy, yet i was efficient, capable and competent. i'm a new nurse. i'm not going to get it all in 75 hours of precepting. it's going to take work. and this experience is prepping me for the work involved in a new grad program, and orientation on a new floor. this is all good preparation for my career, for my life ahead.
i have so much to look forward to. even if i'm so tired when i look forward my eyes blur.
I've been attacked by the cosmic force that is Whirlwind Romance.
I've met a man.
I haven't really just met him; I've known him since May 2001.
He was one of the first people I met here in Prescott. For blog purposes I'm going to call him Nate.
Because that's his name.
My Nate light turned on Friday morning at 1215. He strolled into the grossest bar in town while the entourage was dancing the dance for Leta's 40th birthday.
wahooo! Leta's 40 and it's time to get DOWN.
Leta, Tina & Layla. Fabulous Dancing Buds.
I think this is where I become excited like a four-year-old and jump up and down with glee.
Ohmygoodness, this picture says it all!
Leta, Layla, Kate & Claire in the background. We bring it to the Sundance's.
The Dancefloor Tina Sammy
How much do I love my Dancing Dolphin Birthday Friend?
It's hard to describe so picture me standing so tall, arms so high, mouth open soooo big! That's how much!
And, this. is. Nate. Getting his booty on with Sweet Leta. He & I proceeded to dance together for the next two hours.
There are some things I need to preface in this post....The internal 'list' I've been compiling of the things I'd very much like in my next partner.
I'd like a man that has a spiritual life, and seeks knowledge, force, and power outside himself, preferably to a force that is bigger than he is.
I'd like him not to smoke cigarettes or abuse substances.
I would love a man that enjoys dancing.
I think a man that values being healthy and moving his physical body would be awesome.
It would be really super if this man, this potential partner, would be intelligent, focused and determined. I want a man I respect.
I want a man that wants a family: I'd love it if he wants to get married, have kiddos, and value a vested partnership. It would be awesome, if this partner, would do those things with me. ;)
(There's some other stuff I'd really like in a man that I think might be too candid for this public forum).
I want a man with confidence. I want a man with assurance that I won't be the source for his happiness, I will only add to his happiness (naturally) and he is in charge of his own joy.
You know, I'd really like it if he is tall, with a great laugh, soft skin, kissable lips, a great head of hair. The vanity stuff. I like a man's hands.
So, that's my list. I ponder that list sometimes; add things to it sometimes, and really think, good grief, Layla; you're a picky girl. All this stuff? Really??? Yes. Really. These are my heart's desires.
Well, you know. The God force is funny, I've always said. I didn't anticipate my list to be satisfied now. And, I've heard often that 'it happens when we least expect it,' and 'most often when we're not looking for it.'
The next four weeks are the busiest of my school career. I have still 79 more hours of interning to do, 36 hours of clinical to do for my Psych Nursing class, a huge Care Plan paper for those 36 hours, a teaching project for my internship, a presentation on Nursing Communication & Interpersonal Relationships for my Management class, three more exams (50 questions each), two finals (100 questions each), a Pre NCLEX Exam on Management (55 questions), and the HESI, which is an acronym for what? I cannot remember at this time but it's 190 questions of nursing amazingness that is a barometer for how well I will do on NCLEX. It's a big deal. The next four weeks are a big deal.
The best time for a romance?
God thinks so.
Layla, Leta & Nate. Rockin Leta's 40th.
Nate & Leta showing off the moves.
I keep up with the moves of the Nate. Kate's intense.
Nate & Joey. More Dance Fantasticness.
I think this is where we discuss what happens between Nate & Layla since there is 450 miles between them. I like a man who talks with his hands. There is something quite charming about expressiveness.
This is where we cheese it out.
This is where the romance really happened.
And, this is the kiss Mark D was looking for with all those other shots.
So, Nate. Welcome to my world. It's going to busy these next few weeks, and I cannot express my excitement well enough other than to say you're right, "This is only the beginning." I wasn't looking for you. I didn't anticipate this weekend to take me out of my routine so completely. You've taken me fully into the adventure that is a new romance. You're a man that, so far, has surprised me with all the 'internal list' check-off's I've been able to make. Nate, you've added things to my list of what I wanted without my knowing; you've completely upped the ante, so to speak, and made me a pickier woman. It's been a whirlwind, I've been hit over the head, and I'm beyond thrilled at what's in store for us.
And, I'm so excited about it.....I'm excited to read about new theories in parenting. Someone asked me today, 'Why are you checking out books on parenting?' I felt so empowered to realize how important and pivotal parenting is. (Thank you, Kate, for the recommendation. I read the table of contents and got excited!!)
I'm not a parent yet. I hope to be sometime in the next ten years. That would be really great...
The cool part about the life God has given me to lead right now is I get to interact with so many wonderful, inspirational, fun, joyful, intelligent, light-giving children. In a way, the more I can learn about being the best force in these children's lives, in addition to their already awesome parents, is going to benefit us all. Hence, the book about parenting philosophies. And my interest in Mothering Magazine. And my love of seeing infants born while interning at our hospital.
When I was six, I wanted to be a paleontologist. I loved dinosaurs so much. Then, I found out paleontology was more about research and less about actually getting to dig up dinosaurs. So, a few years letter I discovered I wanted to be an obstetrician. I wanted to see babies born. I wanted to facilitate this occurrence and be around pregnant women. I wanted to learn as much as possible about pregnancy, fertilization, conception, healthy infants. The lot. I was probably 10 when I realized this. I think this is an example of God working in my life---giving me huge interest in something that has stayed with me for so long.
I've been given a gift and I'm so grateful for it.
The uh oh for the title of this post comes with the fact I have two exams next week and a paper due. New library books are not so conducive to studying, I've found.
This question was posed to me by a new person in my life.
I adore it.
It's been wonderful food for thought today...
And, oh today, what a great day you've been.
I didn't end up working last night---My gut was still screaming 'no!' after some thought and prayer, so I said no, and ended up having a very terrific night. I had amazing kiddo time, them some great music, reading time, then! Dancing with Leta time!!!
DJ Wordthieves was spinning at Taj Mahal, the Indian Food restaurant in town, and it was so so so so fun. And, so what I needed! I got to see some old friends I hadn't seen in a while, and dance with some stellar body movers. It was such a delight! Oh, I adore dancing.
I slept in this morning, waking with weird dreams, and interesting blasts from the past from Facebook. I took myself out for a delicious breakfast then went to the market for the week's food. Now, Just being. I have studying to do and after this post I am going to do some Case Studies. Nursing School is big on Case Studies.
They are actually helpful, thank goodness.
I am thinking about what kind of goals a perfect person would set, and a smile comes to my face---How hard I try to attain perfection. How much it matters to me that I show up perfectly, when the gift of human existence is the imperfection of each person. To truly accept someone so dearly that even if I had the option to have them change I wouldn't dare it....To accept myself that way! To be in a state of acceptance about the good parts of me and the bad parts of me, and realize together they equal ME. I cannot have one without the other.
It's not a privilege to know others. Know yourself. That's a privilege.
I love it! To know myself so truly, to realize perfection is this illusion I hung to for so long to feign safety. To let go and accept the all of me. What a gift.
The thing about Mobitz Type II Heart Block is this:
I know what it is. The P waves have inconsistent QRS complexes with them. It's a regular rhythm and unpredictable, hence the danger. At least with Type I there is a gradual elongating of the PR interval and it's telling you to 'watch out! we're gonna drop a QRS!!' It's not the case with Type II. It's insidious.
It looks like this:
There's no QRS complexes with the alternating ones. That makes sense to me.
The ECG strip on the exam I took four and a half hours ago gave a really silly example of Second Degree Mobitz II Heart Block. It did not look like that. And. I got it wrong.
Oh well.
Other than that silly mistake I feel I did pretty well. The exam was hard, but I slowed down enough to really tap into what I know. I studied well. And, we'll find out Tuesday or Wednesday how well.
Now, we're on to Urinary and Renal Function and Critical Care of the Renal Impaired Client along with the male client experiencing reproductive health issues: here comes Benign Prostate Hypertrophy!. (My favorite. hehehe, not the male client, though, that can be argued. I love the kidneys. I love the chemistry behind electrolytes in the body, how the kidneys handle all our waste....I am a sucker for reabsorption, filtration & excretion!)
I took myself out to dinner tonight and am loving Michael Chabon's The Mysteries of Pittsburgh. It's brilliant, and perfect for this girl transitioning out of college mode, at least for the now. I had a lovely glass of chardonnay and falafel from Raven Cafe tonight, and the jazz was loud but good. I was told tonight by the cute bartender that I'm very 'pleasant.' It was glorious to be complimented.
I also have this weird plastic flap thingy hanging from the bottom of my car. So that's what that sound has been this whole time... Duh. I called my Terry Dad and he is so great. He gave me some instruction on what to do with this teeny little predicament and then he said those magic parental words that are like a string to my spine: they just pull me right up! "I'm proud of you and all you do, Layla."
Oh man.
I think it's just a-o-k I didn't get right the freaking Mobitz Type II rhythm strip. I can handle a little imperfection right now.
Off to eat a delicious chocolate chip cookie and read some more of the world Michael Chabon has created.
