breeeze!

There is a breeze coming in through the window. 

There are clouds piling up outside in the blue sky. 

There is a Princeton Review NCLEX study guide in front of me, pleading me to open her, to study her. 

There is a song playing by a band I've not heard of, and I love it.  

Check out this blog for track three, and you'll feel it too.

There is an overwhelming calm within me. 

I don't doubt calm.  I know to not question calm. 

I trust calm. 

Calmness is trust in action, and I'm grateful I learned that three and a half years ago. 

I test in two and a half days, and I believe with every ounce of me that whatever is the result of me sitting down for the National Council Licensure Examination will be God's will.  

I trust the breeze, the effort, the coffee, the ginkgo biloba, the music, the books, the people, the experience, the power of this educational experience. 

I am not afraid.  

..in.the.moment..

What a week!!
Holy Moly!!

I try to reflect on what I was doing this time a week ago, and I literally have to open my planner to remember.  It's been sooo long since a week ago Saturday.

I will fill you in on what I can remember---I had an overnight shift with a little girl I haven't taken care of since June, and it was so fun.  We played hard, we enjoyed each other's company and she was on board to go with me to my sweet friend Beth's daughter's baptism.  It was a special day on Sunday, and I was thrilled to be part--even if we couldn't stay the entire time.  Beth is an awesome Mom and her little babe is a joyjoyjoy.  The entire time she was up near the alter she was smiling.  It was a sweet day.

My little charge and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns.  It was a fun movie!!  I can't find anywhere the lessons Nanny McPhee imparts on the family she is with, but when I can find it, you'll see it in a post, for sure!    Sunday night, I had the privilege of my darling friend Becky's company for a two hour walkabout our little town's square, and then an hour more of sitting and chatting.  We were in desperate need of a catch-up!

Monday I spent studying and practicing yoga in the evening after a delicious dinner with a sweet friend, Jen.  She is very talented, and I posted earlier this week a video they just created for their song. I am so proud of my friends!!  There is a new yoga studio in town, it opened last week (when I get the webpage link I will post it!) and all this week they've offered classes for Donation.  So, I had the yummy privilege of practicing yoga in a classroom setting, instead of in my living room in front of the television.  The studio is offering Hot Yoga Vinyasa and some 12 Step Yoga classes, and so far, I'm hooked!!  I really enjoyed where my yoga practice took me this week.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were heavy work days--averaging nine hours each day.  IKES!  Tuesday night was a treat, though, and I was taken out on a date.  I think this *ahem* male friend is very super duper, and we had a great night.  Not at all what I expected to have happen this week, and really the definition of a treat! Oh! And Tuesday I found out what my schedule will look like at the new job and it will be DAYTIME (yessssssssss!) and three 12-hours shifts in a row: Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  Long days, and I'll be tired, but I'm so thrilled I won't be working nights!!  And, I'm overwhelmingly excited to begin working as a nurse.  By the time I start on the unit, it will be SIX MONTHS since I've done any nursing care, and I am readyready to get back at it!

On Wednesday and Thursday I got to spend some time with my friend Dani, and that was wonderful.  She's doing well, and I enjoy the company she offers and the time I get to spend with her children.

And, then, well, then there was yesterday.  Fuhhhhreaky Friday.

I went to Human Resources for my new company and signed my Offer Letter.  I filled out reference check information, employment screening information, all that good stuff.  I found out officially that if I don't pass NCLEX, I will not be working this job.  (I sort of knew this already, but I enjoy knowing things with certainty and now, now I know).  I found out some of the benefit package details, as well, and am overwhelmed with what I have been calling, until yesterday, my grown-up job.  I am excited!  There are things that come with this nursing position I've never had as an employee:  insurance!, paid time off!, vacation pay!, life insurance!, overtime!  These things equal a grown-up job.  Or, at least they did until I had a most welcome and severely humbling conversation yesterday.

Here's the lesson I am learning:  a deeper understanding of Step 3.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

So, I have a new Employer.  And this previous idea of grown-up job is completely FALSE.  For the past three years, I've been exclusively working as a nanny.  I've been able to earn enough money to live a full and rewarding life.  I've supported myself while I've been in school, and what a gift I've been able to care for children, and be of ultimate assistance to families in my community.  I heard yesterday: a grown up job is something you would do for free or for fun.  I would (and do!) my job for free and for fun!

Now, I'm employed as a Nurse and am working in a profession where compensation and a benefit package are par for my course.  Would I do nursing for free and for fun?? YES!  (Mind you, I have for the past two years during clinical experience in the various hospitals in my town).

The blessing of the lesson I'm learning is that God is my Employer.  God "provides what I need when I keep close to him and perform his work well."  I believe this fully!  I want to see what I can contribute fully to this life!  Regardless of what my benefit package is.  More on this lesson, I'm sure, but I am blown away by this awareness, and excited to stop devaluing myself for only working in childcare these past three years.  What an honor to care for other's children, to do a great job at it, and to be reminded whatever work I do, I get to do it for God.  Every bit of it.  Nursing, childcare, the dishes, all of it.  For God.

So, that was my morning lesson yesterday.  I went to a local coffee shop and participated in the Eckhart Tolle book study, went to leave, and couldn't find my keys.  Um.  I don't lose my keys.  I looked everywhere.  I went up and down the block, asked every business to see if someone had turned in my keys, I phoned my roadside assistance, and a locksmith was en route to open my car to hopefully find my keys--maybe they're in my car?? Tow truck comes, unlocks my car, keys are not in it. So, roadside assistance offers I get another tow truck to come, tow me to Prescott Honda, and I paid $109 for a new key.  Yep.  One hundred nine dollars.  for a key.  


I was a blob of buzzed out mess--after my morning of discovery regarding employment and worth, I lost my keys.  I had to pay money that was allotted for other things (oh well!) and thank goodness my roommate was kind enough to make a copy of his house key and bring it to me while I sat in the showroom of Prescott Honda and studied for NCLEX, waiting for my new key to be programmed.  


Holy Moly, Freaky Friday!

The entire day I had planned blew up to be not that at all when I couldn't find my keys to leave Cuppers.  What does all this mean?  Do I need to slow down?  Do I need not be on the phone talking about worth, employment and God while driving?  um....probably.

Last night, I treated myself to quiet.  Much needed and enjoyed quiet.  I watched Greenberg, which I don't recommend. And I watched A Single Man, which I HIGHLY recommend.  A movie night? With NCLEX looming in just six days?  Yep!  I neeeeeded it.

Today has been fabulously calm.  I woke well rested and caught up on some business I unfortunately neglected with my long hours this week.  I went to the farmer's market and got yummy eggplant and kale from Whipstone Farm, and some amazing vegan tamales.  I have another overnight shift tonight with four kiddos.  Whoa.  Grateful, and looking forward to earning enough tonight to pay for the week ahead.  And, study study study.

Gosh, what a week!  I'm ripe with awareness and learning, and feeling surprisingly calm about Thursday.  My job and my profession are contingent on Thursday morning at 8am and I am calm.  Thank you, God.

I hope this week ahead can continue with calm, and I don't lose any more things of value....Especially my serenity.  Most importantly, my serenity.

Happy Saturday!

sleepin in.

I haven't slept in this late in a long time.  It feels awesome!! I've been pushing the Layla envelope with three!  (yes three!) nights in a row going to bed after midnight! (ack!) Today, I woke so so so so tired.  I've been given an assignment in my step work that is very pivotal and this week has been so busy (there's a lesson; I'm going to get to it)!  Every time I started writing for my assignment, something would come up, or I couldn't see the exact harm I've caused...I was getting frustrated, and ended up canceling my appointment to go over the list.  I need more time.

I was flexible with myself this morning, too.  Being so tired, and only functioning on six hours of sleep did not sound like a super way to start my day--even though Saturdays are my favorites.  In the four weeks I've been home, I've begun this darling Saturday routine:  up at 0700, Kundalini yoga, quick breakfast, 0845 book study and coffee meeting, 1030 meeting, home around noon feeling rejuvenated and serene.

Well, today, I crawled out of bed at 0950!  WOWZA!  I didn't go to my meetings, I didn't yoga.  I've been super flexible with myself this week around activity.  I was on a roll before this week began:  hiking, yoga-ing, doing something every day...Then, I just paused for this week.  It seemed too overwhelming with all I have going on.

So, as far as my lesson for the week, here goes.  (I haven't gotten to the lesson learned part; I'm still in the discomfort of awareness).  I've set my date for NCLEX.  September 23.  That's in THIRTEEN days.  I took advice from those near to me and scheduled studying time EACH day this week..Starting with Monday.  On Monday, it didn't work.  The program Noriko lent me to use for practice questions wasn't loading and I got frustrated.  I did end up doing 180 practice questions, and that was a super starting point.  But, unfortunately, aside from a half hour of Princeton Review work booking on Thursday, that's all. I've. done. 

My discomfort lies in letting other things be more important than this study time.  More important than me working my 8th step.  More important than getting enough rest each night.  It feels like procrastination disguised by my being too busy.  I'm putting things in front of studying and working my steps.

It's uncomfortable.  And, I'm so so so grateful for the awareness.  This morning, I've made a delicious breakfast, coffee, and am listening to Wait Wait.  I am catching up the blog world with my lessons.  I work a 24-hour shift beginning at 1700 tonight, and have a busy day planned with my little kiddo tomorrow.  The good news?  It's only 1100 and I have six hours to focus on NCLEX.  (My goal for today is a solid three hours of studying).  I look forward to sitting in awareness around this lesson of putting myself first and transitioning into acceptance.

A fun note: I was flirted with last night by a man I find totally sweet, intelligent and kind.  It was very exciting and fun and we made plans for Tuesday night. Hmmmm....So didn't see that coming.

An awesome God note: my darling friend is out of surgery, her discharge papers are signed and we had an awesome conversation this morning.  Her voice doesn't sound groggy at all; she sounds great.  She will be home this afternoon, and I'll get to see her tomorrow.  God is so great!  (Thank you for answering prayers, and allowing my darling friend to be safe, without complication, and hopeful!)

A body note:  I plan to do a whole blog about this because it's totally weirding me out but I'm in size 12 pants--like, totally in a size 12.  I weigh 165 pounds.  I haven't been this little since 2002.  (little:  re: still overweight as BMI standards go, and I still feel I could lose another 20 pounds!)  The future blog will be about how I thought it was going to feel, because it is surprising and weird, and I don't trust it, and I really thought fitting into those GAP size 12's and American Eagle size 12's I've kept for EIGHT YEARS would be more monumental than it was yesterday when I pulled them on and they were kind of loose.

A work note:  I'm so excited about my new job, and didn't ask what would happen if I don't pass NCLEX--it is in the back of my mind.  What if I don't pass??  I have a list of questions to ask the Director of Nursing next week, and will hopefully get more of an idea of what life working as Registered Nurse will be like. As far as childcare goes, I'm blown away at God providing so hugely for me right now.  I am working lots, and having fun, and enjoying the kiddos with whom I keep company.  I am so blessed!!  

I hope this day is treating you well.  It's a big day for American history--nine years ago today.  I think it's important to live life to the fullest on this day--heck! I think that of every day, but especially today.  There seems something  powerful about enjoying the freedoms of this American life and celebrating them.  For me, celebrating the joy of American life is the best way I can acknowledge the awful of September 11.

My Prayer for You.

Right now, you are in for surgery.
I am scared, and sad, and friggin' pissed off this is happening to you.
In that breath, I love you and I love the universe that created our lives side by side one another's.
I trust in God.
I trust in whatever this is, this Crappy McCrapperston that is in your body, that there is a bigger purpose, that you will be strong enough, that well, shoot...I don't even know what to trust in because it's in you but the good news is I trust you.
I pray the surgeon is guided with knowledge, intuition and ability to rid your body of those bad cells.
I pray the nurses you encounter treat you with shining love, concern and beyond-competent nursing care.
I pray your body will flourish with strength to heal post surgery.
I pray your heart will be rampant with courage and trust.
I pray your friends will be exactly what you need.
I pray your children will be surrounded with laughter and love during this time, so your heart and mind won't worry about them--any more than you already will, I'm sure.
I pray your husband will be exactly the support you need and his own concern will be assuaged.
I pray for you, friend. In that breath I surround your name with
Courage.
Strength.
Love.
Light.
Healing.
Strength.
Strength.
Strength.
You live an authentic life full of passion, joy, and sweet giving.  It is such an honor to know you, to be around your amazing children, and to see you glow during this time, and each of the moments that have comprised the past three years I've known you.
Thank you for illuminating Grace.
I pray for your recovery and your increased trust in the physician's supervising your Cure.
I pray for you.

I love you and can't wait to hug you on Sunday.

strange and graceful ease

It's been nearly two weeks since my big catch up the world post about the end of my trip and start of life back in Prescott.  And, I have been home for just over three weeks.  I am amazed how quickly time flies--and that I've been able to transition into life so well.  In hindsight, of course.

I panicked when I got home.  P.A.N.I.C.K.E.D. I was a mess and reminded of a certain prayer to keep me focused on life bigger than me, and a Power Bigger than me that will provide!

Eternal God, Lead me now out of my familiar setting, where doubts and fears reside.  Lead me beyond my pride and my need to be secure, into strange and graceful ease.  Your arms of hope support me, and I hear your voice in my silence.  I will grow strong enough to endure and be flexible enough to share your grace with others.  

Then, life started happening.  After my initial panic I got myself to a meeting QUICK and began to get the much sought after serenity I had been lacking after eight long weeks away from the rooms that help keep me focused on a spiritual solution.  I've been making four to five meetings a week, making lots of phone calls, and getting back on track with my recovery.  It's been wonderful, and I'm reminded how much work living this spiritual solution is.  Today, I'm willing.

I also knew I needed to find a roommate with whom to share my awesome space.  I found Noriko through Craigslist and have not had any problem with the site so I posted a prayer-inspired post, and got quite a few responses--all of them felt alright.  Then, Jeremia wrote, and YEP!!  God is awesome, we emailed for a day or so, talked on the phone, and then Sunday Aug 15 he came by to check out the space, meet me in person, and that afternoon paid the deposit to be my housemate.  Wow, God!!   Quick work!!

He moved in Aug 25 and so far, so great!!  I think we're finding our 'living together, getting to know each other' vibe out and it's working well!

A lot of my fear and panic was looped in and entangled around money.  Imagine that.  I was so afraid I wouldn't have enough, wouldn't be able to pay bills, rent, food, any of it.  Why is it so hard for me to remember that God has my back??  I heard this week:  If God leads you to it, God will lead you through it.  God is leading me to the miracles and joy of my every day life, so OF COURSE God is going to lead me through the 'supposed' trial of daily living.

I started to let go of the outcome.  Reminded again of another prayer ridiculously helpful:

God, enlighten me.  Help me recognize Your will.  Give me the strength to execute Your will for my life.  I willingly let you take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  

Yes.  I willingly let God take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  That does not mean I sit in my home and pray for money to fill my accounts and pay my expenses.  No.  So, I reached out, I lined up work with families I worked with before I left.  And, all has been okay!!   My fear has been slowly decreasing.  I do have moments of fear, but I have to remind myself fear doesn't leave me completely, and fear is a reminder to trust God.  Fear is an opportunity for me to practice faith.  I am grateful for these reminders.

Without giving away too much, I have come home to two friends dealing with stupidyuckylotsofswearwords & expletives: Cancer.  I have a myriad of emotion around these diagnoses.  I am confused, frustrated, angry, sad, and utterly powerless.  I am reminded of the beauty of the Al-Anon program with regard to alcoholism initially, but applicable to everything:  I did not cause this, I cannot cure this, and I cannot control this.  Oh sweet powerlessness:  I embrace you now as this yucky yuck enters my community and I ask that you show me what I can do to be of service, not judge, be kind and tolerant and most of all, loving.

I have written about it loads, and I know if you keep up with this blog at all you know I have my test date for NCLEX.  I am beyond excited to apply my belief and faith in God's will around this exam, do my footwork, which means STUDYSTUDYSTUDY, and rock the socks of this sucker.  September 23, baby!!  A perfect day--autumnal equinox, equal parts sun and night, and the beginning of my favorite season, Fall.  And, a full moon to boot.  I'm taking the exam in the city of my birth, Mesa, Arizona.  Magical beauty of course!!  Do I subscribe that all these magical events are ripe to my passing NCLEX?  No!!  I do subscribe that this date feels right, my instinctual thought says YES! and after prayerful consideration and a very good night's sleep, this will be the date I take my knowledge, hard work and Higher Power to the testing center, sit down, breathe deeply and test for Registered Nurse status.

For about ten days while I was home, I found myself sleeping and waking to the sun's schedule.  I was blown away about this--Partly because I realized this rhythmic cycle began in Switzerland, and it was timely there.  The sun didn't completely set until 930 or 10p and didn't rise until 630a.  A perfect eight + hours of sleep!!  And, in California, I was fighting jetlag so the sun didn't factor in, and in Oregon, again, the sun was setting later thanks to Oregon's observance of daylight savings and I could rise with the sun at the 6a hour and feel well rested.  Well, here in Arizona, where daylight savings is just a day on the calendar and not an action taken twice a year, the sun was setting at 730p!!  So, guess who was climbing into bed with Stieg Larsson and falling to sleep by 830p and rising between 530a and 6a with the sunrise?? This girl.  I fought it at first and judged the heck out of it, (what an old lady I am to go to bed at 730p!!) then I embraced this beautiful ability to sleep and rise with the Earth.  I think I have adjusted to being back in Arizona now, and the sun's setting doesn't equate bedtime to me anymore, but I am rising with the sun still and there is such a beauty to that wakening.

I've been incorporating way more activity into my life than I ever have before and I absolutely credit God, Switzerland life, motivation from JJ and a fifteen pound weight loss since May.  I've been doing Kundalini Yoga at home three to four times a week., hiking with girlfriends one to three times a week, and have been challenged and inspired by Yoga Flow on Fridays.  My body is shifting.  My thighs are changing shape, my waist is 30 inches (!!!), and I'm in clothes I haven't worn since 2001 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  I'm falling more in love with my body than I ever have before, save freshman year of high school when I was a two-a-day volleyball champion running, squatting, crunching my way to a super fit 14-year old body.  I didn't know then I wouldn't have that body when I was in my twenties.  If only....For now, though, there is a deep joy with feeling love with the body that is looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm embarking on some deep spiritual lessons about forgiveness, judgment, acceptance, and internal discomfort.  It's uncomfortable, and at times I feel like a failure and a fugg up.  Then, I thank God for giving me awareness about areas in which I get to grow, accept my humanness, and do the next indicated thing.

I think this brings me up to current!  I am home.  I am studying for NCLEX.  I test September 23.  I am interviewing for a RN position Tuesday.  I'm working with kiddos that inspire me with laughter, sweetness, and joy.  I am surrounded by friends that have courage and strength unprecedented.  I am open to miracles and shown that graceful ease is a lot of times strange and doesn't look how I think it should, which I believe is God's way of showing up even more gracefully and miraculously.

Love to you!

Authorization.

I received in my email today a very nice and well-timed email from 'NCLEXATT.'
I have my Authorization To Test Code.
Which means I am able to sign up for NCLEX.

My future is within grasp.  I taste it, feel it, and envision success! NCLEX is the pinnacle of exams I've taken the past three years.  It is the exam that grants me Registered Nurse status in Arizona, and thankfully, because Arizona is considered a 'Compact State' this also means I'll be licensed to practice nursing, when I pass, of course, in 22 other states. (Unfortunately, not any of the fun ones, like Hawai'i where my mom lives, or Washington, where Whitney lives, but Texas is a Compact State, so you never know!! Maybe I head back to good ol' Pine Tree Land!!)

Regardless of where I end up, this is where it begins.   

I'm thinking September 23 but don't know yet....
I almost booked the test, was thiiisssss close to clicking 'confirm' but my gut said, WAIT!  So, I waited.  I  made a necessary phone call to my support person, and was told that if my gut says, WAIT! I wait.

What a gift of intuitive thought.

Tonight, I sleep on what it means for me to sit for NCLEX on September 23.
Tomorrow, I'll be sure to let you know.

Three tomatoes are walking along...

You know the joke, right?  From Pulp Fiction?  The baby tomato is being quite slow, following along behind his Mama and Papa tomato and the Papa tomato squishes baby tomato and says, 'Ketch Up!'

Well, this is a Catch Up Post.

I've been back in the USA nearly three weeks.  So much has happened in that time!  I didn't feel fit to write about all that has occurred until, weirdly, I caught up on the blogs I read.  When I set my mind to something, well, sometimes I can be quite inflexible!  So, I slowly began my blogroll of reads...and let me tell you!  I sure do love the blog world!  One blog I follow, Ms. Sheryl at BitchCakes has achieved her weight loss goal and her subsequent posts have been fabulously positive and inspiring!  Another friend, Danielle at SometimesSweet, is progressing beautifully with life, baby in utero, and home buying! Angela, at Scatter Sunshine,  has been posting some really fun faith posts and intriguing-get-my-mind-rolling goodness that has been fun to keep up with this summer.  And, finally, I posted yesterday how my favorite music blogs are keeping me excited and up to date with all things Indie & College Rock.  It's been fun catching up with the blog world.

My turn, now, I guess.

I will save this for a future 'Ode to Switzerland' post but before I left JJ had mentioned that coming home was harder jet lag to handle than arriving to Switzerland.  That wasn't my experience last year so I couldn't agree, but this year, this year, I agree..  Jet lag was intense.  Reverse Culture shock was intense.  More on this later...  I was in a plane for 15 hours, and awake for 29 (minus the five hours I slept on planes two and three, total.)  I will say in gratitude:  The long flight, London to Chicago, I was upgraded to Business Class, and YESSSSSSSSS!  Soooo roomy and lovely; it was a treat!

I arrived to San Diego with Nate as my hero---he carried my luggage, brought me flowers (I LOVE FLOWERS!) and told me I didn't have to 'be' anything to anyone.  Such a relief.  Life in San Diego is fun, and we ate delicious Thai food at 11p and with a full belly I crawled to his home, showered, and tried to sleep.

Nate and I planned a pretty epic road trip upon my arrival to San Diego with one day for us to get things together, and for me to rest.  In hindsight, was that the best idea?  Probably not.  But as my recovery, my faith, and my reliance on a power greater than myself have taught me there are no mistakes in God's world.  So, Thursday, we left for San Luis Obispo.

When did my wrinkles happen?? I am a wrinkle face!  

God is awesome, and Noriko, my darling roommate, moved out of our shared home on Aug 4--that very day, instead of flying to Chicago, she flew to SANTA ANA! to see a mutual instructor of ours.  Do you know what that means??? Goodness, of course!  Serendipity!  Santa Ana is on the way to San Luis Obispo from San Diego, dontchaknow, and Nate was willing for us to take a quick hour detour so I could have a sweet visit with my darling friend. 

I am blessed to have such sweet companionship in Noriko. 

We arrived in San Luis Obispo with a few bumps along the way.  It was during this drive I began to feel something.  I called it Jet Lag until a few days ago.  I was craving alone time, and didn't know how to get it.  I was craving home, and was surprised I wasn't feeling at home with Nate, with all the travel we had planned. I wasn't acting my best self.  

Nate is a darling road companion. 

From San Luis Obispo we drove to Mount Shasta and scored an ULTIMATE camping spot at Castle Crags State Park.  We were right on the Sacramento River---it was cooooollldddd water and quite refreshing for an early morning soak!  

Refreshing Gurgling Sweet River Water

This was my first time camping in 'Bear Country!'  We had a 'bear locker' at our spot to lock our food in and we didn't see any bears.  It was kind of fun to be in such a special place, where bears hang out too.  

For dinner, we made Macro Platters and this was my first time having Sriracha in six weeks!  YUM!  (please note the oscillating fan hair look!!! I sure love my long hair but abhor having it on my neck when I'm hot!! Hence the monstrosity of a bun I sometimes sport).  

My favorite picture of Nate from the whole ten days we were together.  His smile melts me.  

From Mt. Shasta we drove to Bend, Oregon to visit some dear friends of mine, Amber, Jared and their son, Logan. 

My first time in Oregon!  I had to stop for the photo op despite having a bit of a headache (hence the crummy face. The Sun was bright!)  

In Bend, we had dinner at Deschutes Brewery and this was a tasty Mirror Pond Pale Ale.  And, 5dl of beer was a lot for a girl used to light lagers mixed with 7up all summer....Oh yummy Panache, I miss you so!

Nate and me enjoying the fun and friendship of Deschutes!

Me and Amber, darling friend!

In Bend, things took quite the turn.  I will not go into details as they're too private for blogworld but I will say I learned so much this Saturday August 7.  I learned about myself.  I learned about Nate.  I learned what I'm capable of, and what I no longer find works for me.  I thought I already knew these things, but putting them into practice proved difficult with what I had stacked up against me:  fatigue, jet lag, beer, needing alone time and not knowing how to get it.  

I don't wish to take back what happened this night because I'm reminded there are no mistakes in God's world.  I do wish to act in forgiveness of myself, truly love myself, and ponder and reflect on how my actions affect others.  No matter my excuse--the perfect storm of circumstances leading up to crummy behavior--my behavior happened, and it affected my relationship with Nate.  I woke up Sunday hungover from behavior.  I was weak with regret and guilt and it wasn't until I found some alone time in the shape of a tearful and warm shower, I was able to get on my knees, seek forgiveness from One Greater than Me, and move forward.  

And move forward we did, Nate and me.  It was tentative and slow.  We were both hurting and hesitant what the next step of our long distance romance would be.  (I shouldn't say 'we' as I don't speak for Nate, but those were the feelings I had).  Sunday we drove to Breitenbush Hot Springs Resort and it is here I REQUIRE YOU TO MAKE YOUR NEXT TRIP TO THIS HEALING SPACE!!  

We spent three days, two nights, at Breitenbush, and it was so magical.  I had that desired and sought after alone time with my journal, I soaked in healing, warm mineral water, and washed my body in an outside shower next to the flowing Breitenbush River.  I began the loving and powerful process of forgiving myself.  And it was here, Tuesday August 10, Nate and I decided to no longer be a Romantic Couple.  Is Breitenbush the type of place I expected to break up with Nate? Ohmyword, NO!!  The day previous we saw a couple get married!  It is a loving and sacred place, and I guess that is why I find it so fitting we did break up there.  Because, remember, there are no mistakes in God's world.   

What a gift--we were grown-ups!  We talked it through.  We expressed our hurts, our tears, our feelings, and our love for each other.  We decided it was no longer going to work for us and for each of us, that meant hurting a little bit now, so we don't hurt ourselves or each other more in the future.  

Hindsight.  That beautiful word.  Dictionary.com tells me it's the "recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence." Yep.  I agree.  I am aware of the reality of what a hefty road trip can do for a relationship after such a long time apart.  I see the possibility of doing things differently now but am without that ability as Nate and I are now toeing the line of 'just being friends.'  I am grateful for reflection and the ability to learn from my relationships.  

The social psychologist George Herbert Mead coined the term significant other to indicate the one who signifies or reflects back to us the meanings of our gestures and, in so doing, develops with us our ability to act meaningfully with others.  (quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz & Ketcham). I find this to be absolutely true as I ponder and reflect my time with Nate.  A sweet gift and blessing he was as a significant other.  

Leaving Breitenbush Tuesday August 10 with a car packed full of gear, heading toward Chico for a few more days
together.  This is our last picture together.  

We spent two nights in Chico, California on our way back to Prescott.  Nate is a gracious, generous man, and was on board to continue our trip as planned despite our decision to no longer be Romancers.  We eliminated Yosemite from the trip, and decided after Chico to head straight to Prescott.  

I don't have any pictures on my camera after this point.  I must have just mentally stopped needing the desire for future memories and have my mind's camera to refer.  We had a great time in Chico, where Nate is from.  We went to his favorite park growing up, enjoyed a Sampler at Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, and I continued to enjoy Nate's great company.  

I am so blessed to have gotten to know this man.  He is super great!  And, what a gift of five months we had together, working at a long distance relationship.  He was by my side during what felt like a really difficult task--finishing and graduating Nursing School.  He is a great friend, and I feel blessed I didn't put the pressure on this relationship to be the one, even though there are so many characteristics in Nate that 'could be.'  I'm grateful I wasn't dependent on the outcome of Nate and me.  I was dependent on the moments of Nate and me, and that is God doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  

It was a 15 hour drive Chico, California to Prescott, Arizona, and we made it alive, peaceful, and still with respect for one another.  (Again, I won't speak for Nate, but I will say, I sure do respect and love him).  We decided to hit up one more Brewery, for posterity's sake, the place where Nate and I met, nine plus years ago.  After a disgustingly overpriced salad and Nate's indulgence of a super yummy IPA we hit up Annie's Attic for some dancing, and that is when the feeling of returning home hit me hard.  

I am home.  

I was welcomed home with big hugs from my darling friends, Gwendolyn and Leta.  

Leta, me, Gwendolyn before I left for Switzerland, June 2010

It was in dancing with Nate I got sad about our relationship ending.  Oh, boy! how much I want a partner that enjoys dancing and moving his body!!  Sadness aside, we danced for a while and then headed to my home. 

I walked in and was awash with stagnant air, a Sonja kitty that had lost a few pounds, and sweet Noriko's energy palpably gone.  

I began panicking and sobbing in a way I hadn't done for a couple years.  Again, Nate showed his strength as a pretty stand-up guy.  He held my hand, gave me hugs, and told me those words that help so much from a friend, "You're going to be okay."  

Eight weeks away from home is a long time.  

This post has turned so long, and so reflective!!  I had no idea I had all this in me to get out---Well, maybe I did, and that's why I've been sitting on it, not wanting to write it!  I will end here, though, and catch up with what life has been like now that I'm home.  

Thanks for all the love while I've been away.  It's been such a journey!  

And, I remind myself, there are no mistakes in God's world! 

Edward Abbey (v. 5)

From Desert Solitaire 

If a man's imagination were not so weak, so easily tired, if his capacity for wonder not so limited, he would abandon forever such fantasies of the supernal.  He would learn to perceive in water, leaves and silence more than sufficient of the absolute and marvelous, more than enough to console him for the loss of ancient dreams. 

My prayers the last few days have been about releasing the outcome of what is to happen when I get home.  I am 13 days away from Prescott.  I know not what I come home to.  And, I am reminded by past experience my imagination isn't as powerful as I like to think.

Continually, I would hope for something, wish for something, desire something, thinking it the pivotal and most fabulous, and really?  God's plan was so much more cohesive, brightly colored and seamless than what my imagination could scheme and want.

I appreciate Mr. Abbey's words in this context.  If my imagination were so powerful, perhaps I wouldn't need to dream of celestial, heavenly beings creating my life for me.  Perhaps that is why my imagination is limited, so I can release the possibility of my life to God, and trust in God's great imagination to see the the larger picture.

One more quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection, a quote from William James

Suppose, for example, that I am climbing in the Alps, and have had the ill-luck to work myself into a position from which the only escape is a terrible leap.  Being without similar experience, I have no evidence of my ability to perform it successfully; but hope and confidence in myself make me sure I shall not miss my aim, and nerve my feet to execute what without those subjective emotions would perhaps have been impossible. 

But suppose that, on the contrary, the emotions of fear and mistrust preponderate; or suppose that, have just read [WK Clifford's] Ethics of Belief, I feel it would be sinful to act upon an assumption unverified by previous experience--why, then I shall hesitate so long that at last, exhausted and trembling, and launching myself in a moment of despair, I miss my foothold and roll into the abyss. 

In this case (and it is one of immense class) the part of wisdom clearly is to believe what one desires; for the belief is one of the indispensable preliminary conditions of the realization of its object.  There are then cases where faith creates its own verification.  Believe, and you shall be right, for you shall save yourself; doubt, and you shall be right, for you shall perish.  The only difference is that to believe is greatly to your advantage.  

Oh, I love this quote.  In fact, I haven't read further in the book because I've been marinating on this idea of belief versus doubt.  I adore, "Believe, and you shall be right, for you shall save yourself; doubt, and you shall be right, for you shall perish.  The only difference is that to believe is greatly to your advantage."

I believe I'll get ready to depart Suisse now.
I have lots of time ahead to meditate, journal, pray and study for that (when the heck will they give me my test code) NCLEX.
I hope I sleep and my tummy feels a bit better.  Six half slices of mozzarella isn't agreeing with me so well this morning, but I maintain the belief all will be well.

 

 

Head and Heart

I am reading two phenomenal books right now.  One by Edward Abbey and One by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.  One is prose about life in Moab, Utah in the late 1950s while Mr. Abbey worked as a park ranger in Arches National Park.  The other is a collection of stories reinforcing the spiritual life, "stories you tell that may save someone's life, stories for anyone interested in an age-old tradition of spiritual literature that asks the hard questions of the human condition."  These books feel linked to me, and I'm enjoying reading them simultaneously.

This is a pretty hefty quoted chunk from the latter book, The Spirituality of Imperfection.  I've read these last few paragraphs five or six times, and each time, they say something different.  I need to share them.

Fundamental to human be-ing is a root sense of connectedness--and specifically of that connectedness as somehow lost, missing, or wounded.  The resultant yearning to be in some way united with reality beyond or larger than one's self underlies all art, religion, and love.  When that connection is not present, we experience alienation and separation, a sense that "something is wrong" or, as the philosopher Alfred North Whitehead put it in locating the origins of spirituality, "Something is awry."  We reach out to touch, we ache for contact, but something is missing.  In the absence of that connection, we experience the sensation of being fractured, torn apart, pulled in a dozen different directions. 

Putting the fractured pieces back together again--setting the bone back in its socket, bringing some wholeness to the sense of "torn-to-pieces-hood"--requires acknowledgment and acceptance of the essential connection between vision and feeling, between head and heart.  Yet from the beginning of humankind's thoughtful presence on earth, human beings have been breaking themselves up into two--body-mind, thoughts-emotions, head-heart.  Having made that division, philosophers for thousands of years and physicians and lawyers in more recent times hold lengthy debates about which bodily organ--the brain or the heart-- is more critical to being human. 

Weaving in and out of this debate are the gentle voices of an august company of spiritual thinkers who resist these efforts to make the human being a one-sided conversation, a monologue, with either the head or the heart running the show.  Our two-sidedness, our being both/and rather than either-or, means that we may be distinguishable, but we are not divisible.  To be "mixed" is not to be divided; a stew is not a salad bar.  The head and the heart are not only connected, but if we are to live a spiritual life, that essential connection must be nurtured and protected.  How can we discover wholeness if we persist in dividing ourselves up into conflicting parts?  

The American Spiritual genius Jonathan Edwards is but one of many who steadfastly opposed all efforts "to divide human nature into separate compartments of mind, will and emotion."  Edwards loved to speak of "the sense of the heart":  In rooting "the mind, will and emotion" in the heart, he was insisting that there is a center of human personality, so that "what we think is inevitably the product of the set of our wills, which in turn results from the basic direction of our hearts' desires."  

There's obviously more.  I mean, this is just four paragraphs in a book of stories and thoughts on spirituality.  The part that is profound to me is the last:   what we think is inevitably the product of the set of our wills, which in turn results from the basic direction of our hearts' desires.

While here in Switzerland I've been meditating and contemplating the 11th Step, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."  Reading this quote about what I think is inevitably a result of my own will, which is in turn the result of my heart's desires calmed me.  I don't know what God's will is for me.  I only know to do the best I can today, pray my focus be turned toward God, and leave the outcome, the results to God.  I do know I have desires and wants.  It can be a blurry place--to want a life, things, relationships, and relinquish these wants--to truly release them to what my Higher Power would want for me instead.

Are they linked?  Is God's will for me the same as my own?  I have no idea.  I know I'm created by God, and God has given me this heart, full of desires.  My will gets in the way when I'm not willing to change a behavior, be honest, be kind, tolerant and loving.  When I'm not willing, I feel I am most drenched in my will. Stubborn insistence my wants and desires be met is sign for me I'm not open to what God has in store.

So, I wait.  I sit and wait.  I read Desert Love Prose in the form of Desert Solitaire while the weather here in Murren, Switzerland is cold, raining and cloudy.  I dream of the heat the sun will grant me when I get home to sweet Arizona.  I look forward with anticipation to what God has in store.

I am uncertain and unsure.

I am also willing, in this moment, to turn my entire life over to the care of God.  To trust the outcome of my life to God.

And that feels safe, lovely, sweet.

No matter what book I'm reading. 

breathing. in. and. out.

Words for today:

it's not about what another person does, or why he does it.  it's about learning about myself and knocking down my walls.  along the way, i hope to treat others with love, kindness, and tolerance.  

I'm going through a little growth spurt.  It's a little achy but other than the aches, I feel confident all will work out as needs to.  I am well loved, and well provided for.

I cleaned to my iPod today, to a Genius Playlist from Fanfarlo and it was so so so good.  While cleaning, Ambling Alp by Yeasayer came on and the lyrics proved very applicable to my growth today.

And when those thunder clouds are crying in the skies, in the skies
And when those fireflies keep shining in your eyes, in your eyes
Keep your mind for the time, with your ass on the line
Keep your feet, feet sliding to the side, to the side

Now, the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their complement of highs
And if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you
Raise your head and wear your wounds with pride

I am safe. 

I am worthy. 

I am without fear. 

(In this moment, anyway).

Good night, world.

Uncertainty & Absolute Assurances.

I mentioned a while ago here I was reading The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Edward Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.  It's one of those books I started months ago, got twenty pages in, and set down.  Well, I brought it to Switzerland hoping to get a little more into it...

And, I'm again going to talk about Edward Abbey, as there is something deliciously linked to this book about Spirituality and Mr. Abbey's reverence and adoration for the wilderness and desert.  I find I am reading them both equally and loving them both!  It's a treat!!

I wanted to share this quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection.  I've read it over and over today and it's sitting well with where I currently am.

But if spirituality begins as a cry for help, it becomes a way of living with--of putting up with--our human imperfection.  The saints and sages insist that imperfections be accepted as imperfections because such acceptance is necessary if we are to develop a vision of life and a way of living in which those imperfections can be endured and lived with creatively.  And so the 'second step' along that way involves accepting the uncertainties of life, refraining from asking for absolute assurances and abandoning demands for perfection.  

I'm only 46 pages into this book which talks much of the essence of spirituality and the beginning few chapters are speaking loads about how acceptance of human imperfection is the essence of a spiritual life (obviously, given the quote and the title).  What I liked so much about this quote was the mention of the 'second step' of a spiritual life:  I like enumeration as it makes learning easy!

I like that I am being given guidance to accept my imperfections and with such acceptance I will live with them creatively.

I like the idea of accepting the uncertainties of life.  This is hard;  I go home in three weeks and am not sure what I'm going home to.  My roommate got her dream job in Chicago and is moving out before I get home.  I'm sad about this and feel completely powerless over the situation.  In that, it's an absolute blessing.  I get to be powerless and I get to not try to control the situation--Will her bathroom and her room be cleaned?  Will Sonja be taken care of? Will I have a job when I get home??  There are so many uncertainties of what lies ahead.  I must accept that there are uncertainties.

In this acceptance, I am reminded it is not my job to seek absolute assurances.  Oh, how I want to!!  I want to seek from Nate, that I'll know for sure about our future together.  I want to seek from friends, that they'll always be in my life.  I want assurance I worked hard for a Degree that will afford me a job I'll love and a lifestyle that will support my wants and desires.  I seek from God, that I'll be okay, taken care of, happy.... There is no such thing as an absolute assurance, just as there is uncertainty in life.  I believe these two are influentially linked.

I like I'm reminded to abandon my demands for perfection.  Since graduation, I've found this one quite a bit easier, and being away from Home, in Switzerland, loads easier, too.  I am a human.  I have good qualities and bad qualities.  I accept my assets are part of me, to be of Service to God and to others.  And, as well, my defects are part of me, so I can turn them over to God to be used as God needs them to be uses.  Do I need to show up as the asshole today?  Do I need to the kind, tolerant, and loving person today?  Do I just plain get to be human today, in all my imperfect glory?  It's a beautiful thing to accept me as I am, and to truly believe I am the way I am because God would have it be that way.  I trust God with my imperfections.  I don't want to be perfect.

(It helps loads I've graduated school with that sought after 4.0 and haven't yet taken NCLEX. We'll see how I fair with this talk once I have my NCLEX date and I'm stressing about the possibility of not passing.  YIKES!  At least in this moment, I feel confident with demands for perfection.)

I feel blessed with where I am.  On Wednesday, I received news of Noriko's amazing success and immediately was sad and terrified.  I made some Skype calls to my support crew, was given great advice about sitting still, and waiting for God to show me my next step.

I prayed.
I wrote.
I prayed more.
I took an amazing shower.
Then, I went to bed.

When I woke up, I was calm.  I was aware of my powerlessness and what a beautiful gift being truly powerless really is.  I was certain there is nothing I can do in this moment, in my being away, that can change the situation I am in, so I gave my fear to God and went about my day.

That was Thursday morning.  It's Saturday night, now, and I'm tired from a huge day in Interlaken with kiddos all around, rain and clouds socking us in, and a headache that's threatening migraine.

With all of that, the worry and anxiety I felt Wednesday night has not returned.

I've felt serenity, peace and calm. This is magical and miraculous!  Even though I'm not given certainties and assurances, I am blessed with a life so full and rewarding .

Joy.

daddy words.

I am gifted by the best and kindest father figure.  For all intents and purposes, when I speak of Terry, I call him 'my dad.'  He is just that, in so many ways, guiding me with his life experience, saying the right thing at the right time and in the greatest parental influence, always, and I do mean always, being there.  


Terry is consistent, fun, kind, and a great example of living with compassion, enthusiasm and acceptance. 


I am blessed to call him 'Dad.'  At least behind his back, anyway. I don't dare call him 'Dad' to his face. :)  (It's a decision we came together.)  


I sent out an email update of my time in Switzerland early this week, and this was his reply: 

WELL LITTLE GIRL,IT SOUNDS TO ME AS IF YOU HAVE FOUND THE REWARDS OF HAVING THE NERVE TO PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER IN A STRAIGHT LINE INSTEAD OF ALWAYS  IN A CIRCLE, TO YOUR LIKING. YOU MIGHT BE STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHY MARCO POLO, ERNEST HEMINGWAY AND YOUR OWN TERRY THE TRAMP DECIDED TO TRAVEL IN A STRAIGHT LINE A LITTLE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE DO. THE LATTER OF THE THREE YOU WILL RAPIDLY SURPASS IF YOU KEEP GOING AT THE RATE YOU ARE AS FAR AS MILES GO, BUT  I STILL HAVE THE LEAD WHEN IT COMES TO DIVERSITY OF MODES AND DESTINATIONS.  IT IS NOT JUST WHERE YOU GET TO GO BUT THE PEOPLE YOU GET TO KNOW.    LIKE ALWAYS. T

In recovery, I've learned that God shows up in other people.  It is through the wisdom of others, God can show up and speak to me.  When someone as special and influential as my Terry-dad is as insightful as he is, it is an example of how God is ridiculously powerful in the way God shows up in my life.

I glisten with gratitude.

 

Empty the Glass of your Desire

by Rumi. 

Join yourself to friends
and know the joy of the soul.
Enter the neighborhood of ruin
with those who drink to the dregs.

Empty the glass of your desire
so that you won't be disgraced.
Stop looking for something out there
and begin seeing within.

Open your arms if you want an embrace.
Break the earthen idols and release the radiance.
Why get involved with a hag like this world?
You know what it will cost.

And three pitiful meals a day
is all that weapons and violence can earn.
At night when the Beloved comes
will you be nodding on opium?

If you close your mouth to food,
you can know a sweeter taste.
Our Host is no tyrant. We gather in a circle.
Sit down with us beyond the wheel of time.

Here is the deal: give one life
and receive a hundred.
Stop growling like dogs,
and know the shepherd's care.

You keep complaining about others
and all they owe you?
Well, forget about them;
just be in His presence.

When the earth is this wide,
why are you asleep in a prison?
Think of nothing but the source of thought.
Feed the soul; let the body fast.

Avoid knotted ideas;
untie yourself to a higher world.
Limit your talk
for the sake of timeless communion.

Abandon life and the world,
and find the life of the world.




Nate emailed me this Rumi yesterday.  It feels ridiculously appropriate and wildly lovely to be given the gift of poetry from my Sweet, words so influential to where I am right now.  I especially appreciate the lines, "Stop growling like dogs, and know the Shepherd's care."  


Today, we're in our second day of socked-in cloud, fog & rain.  It's very cold and new snow is on the mountain views.  We're headed to Interlaken to hopefully escape the weather, and give the kiddos something fun to do at Mystery Park--a wild and fun all-ages kiddo play area!  I am grateful for the moment, gifted with awareness to be Present, Willing and Awake.  


I will 'Stop looking for something out there and begin looking within.'
Hope you all are well. 


(Thank you, Nate, for the Rumi insight.)