God deejay.

I'm a firm believer in my Genius setting on my iPod being a way for God to play music God knows I need to hear and enjoy and love.
This morning, on my 8a drive home from work, after a very busy, full night working, I had my windows rolled down, my iPod goin', the wind was cleansing and powerful!  These two songs set the mood for a really great day, full of a super sleep!, and what will hopefully be another really great night at a job I love!

yay!

I've had a most excellent week.
I'm not in a space to elaborate on a whole lot right now, but I want to plug my new favorite blog, Daily Pep Talk from a Best Friend.  Rachel is said 'Best Friend' and has a feature on the blog to email her if something good happens. So, I did just that. See for yourself what she posted:

Shout Out: Layla Is A Registered Nurse!!!

“I just passed the National Council Licensure Examination and am a Registered Nurse!!!!! I am so stinking excited and thrilled!! Start work at an acute care hospital on Monday! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Layla
Layla, great work! Give em hell on Monday. Congrats!!
xoxoxoxoxo

When something good happens, let me know at emailingrachel@gmail.com   

To see this in the blog world, outloud and proud, is such an awesome feeling.  Sure, I plugged myself, and emailed Rachel, but you know what?  I am so proud of myself!! I did it!  I worked hard, did excellent in school, finished each of my semesters learning more than the previous one, and graduated Nursing School.  Then, instead of doing the 'right' thing, I left the Country.  I went to Switzerland for six weeks, and was able to enjoy myself, despite my fear of what will happen.  I came back, put one foot in front of the other to do the next indicated thing.  I got my test date for license, applied for jobs, got hired at a job before getting licensed, and passed NCLEX. 

I did it!!
Wow.

One huge 'Yay!' if you ask me!!!
Hope you're doing well today, too.

Egoic Doubt and Fear.

I am sitting here, getting ready to get ready for bed.
I don't want to be in stress or fear about Thursday.
It's creeping in a little bit----did I do enough?  I just know I didn't because The Princeton Review book I have isn't completely read.
Did I do just what I had time to do? Yes.  
I am scared I'll fail, and I'm hopeful I'll pass. 
I don't want my ego or my self-defeating mind to get the better of me in this process. 
It is just a test.  That's all this is. 
Just a test.  
I can weight it in my mind if I want to, but that just makes it bigger than me and I already have a Power Greater than Myself.  
If I make this exam bigger than God, then I'm sure to fail.  
No matter what the outcome. 


I am tired of studying, and grateful for all I'm learning during this serious review process. 
Tomorrow, I wake before the sun to catch the sun rise from Trail 317 north of Thumb Butte.  
Then, I do a practice exam. (more than one if I have time.)  
And, a lunch date with a very nice and fun man at noon.
I don't plan to study after lunch.
From lunch, I plan to drive to Mesa to hang with my daddy-o and try to breathe and be calm.

But of course, these are all speculations as to how tomorrow will play out, and I know very well that my days have not been going as I think they should.  So...
I get ready for bed, now.

Good night, world.

breeeze!

There is a breeze coming in through the window. 

There are clouds piling up outside in the blue sky. 

There is a Princeton Review NCLEX study guide in front of me, pleading me to open her, to study her. 

There is a song playing by a band I've not heard of, and I love it.  

Check out this blog for track three, and you'll feel it too.

There is an overwhelming calm within me. 

I don't doubt calm.  I know to not question calm. 

I trust calm. 

Calmness is trust in action, and I'm grateful I learned that three and a half years ago. 

I test in two and a half days, and I believe with every ounce of me that whatever is the result of me sitting down for the National Council Licensure Examination will be God's will.  

I trust the breeze, the effort, the coffee, the ginkgo biloba, the music, the books, the people, the experience, the power of this educational experience. 

I am not afraid.  

..in.the.moment..

What a week!!
Holy Moly!!

I try to reflect on what I was doing this time a week ago, and I literally have to open my planner to remember.  It's been sooo long since a week ago Saturday.

I will fill you in on what I can remember---I had an overnight shift with a little girl I haven't taken care of since June, and it was so fun.  We played hard, we enjoyed each other's company and she was on board to go with me to my sweet friend Beth's daughter's baptism.  It was a special day on Sunday, and I was thrilled to be part--even if we couldn't stay the entire time.  Beth is an awesome Mom and her little babe is a joyjoyjoy.  The entire time she was up near the alter she was smiling.  It was a sweet day.

My little charge and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns.  It was a fun movie!!  I can't find anywhere the lessons Nanny McPhee imparts on the family she is with, but when I can find it, you'll see it in a post, for sure!    Sunday night, I had the privilege of my darling friend Becky's company for a two hour walkabout our little town's square, and then an hour more of sitting and chatting.  We were in desperate need of a catch-up!

Monday I spent studying and practicing yoga in the evening after a delicious dinner with a sweet friend, Jen.  She is very talented, and I posted earlier this week a video they just created for their song. I am so proud of my friends!!  There is a new yoga studio in town, it opened last week (when I get the webpage link I will post it!) and all this week they've offered classes for Donation.  So, I had the yummy privilege of practicing yoga in a classroom setting, instead of in my living room in front of the television.  The studio is offering Hot Yoga Vinyasa and some 12 Step Yoga classes, and so far, I'm hooked!!  I really enjoyed where my yoga practice took me this week.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were heavy work days--averaging nine hours each day.  IKES!  Tuesday night was a treat, though, and I was taken out on a date.  I think this *ahem* male friend is very super duper, and we had a great night.  Not at all what I expected to have happen this week, and really the definition of a treat! Oh! And Tuesday I found out what my schedule will look like at the new job and it will be DAYTIME (yessssssssss!) and three 12-hours shifts in a row: Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  Long days, and I'll be tired, but I'm so thrilled I won't be working nights!!  And, I'm overwhelmingly excited to begin working as a nurse.  By the time I start on the unit, it will be SIX MONTHS since I've done any nursing care, and I am readyready to get back at it!

On Wednesday and Thursday I got to spend some time with my friend Dani, and that was wonderful.  She's doing well, and I enjoy the company she offers and the time I get to spend with her children.

And, then, well, then there was yesterday.  Fuhhhhreaky Friday.

I went to Human Resources for my new company and signed my Offer Letter.  I filled out reference check information, employment screening information, all that good stuff.  I found out officially that if I don't pass NCLEX, I will not be working this job.  (I sort of knew this already, but I enjoy knowing things with certainty and now, now I know).  I found out some of the benefit package details, as well, and am overwhelmed with what I have been calling, until yesterday, my grown-up job.  I am excited!  There are things that come with this nursing position I've never had as an employee:  insurance!, paid time off!, vacation pay!, life insurance!, overtime!  These things equal a grown-up job.  Or, at least they did until I had a most welcome and severely humbling conversation yesterday.

Here's the lesson I am learning:  a deeper understanding of Step 3.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

So, I have a new Employer.  And this previous idea of grown-up job is completely FALSE.  For the past three years, I've been exclusively working as a nanny.  I've been able to earn enough money to live a full and rewarding life.  I've supported myself while I've been in school, and what a gift I've been able to care for children, and be of ultimate assistance to families in my community.  I heard yesterday: a grown up job is something you would do for free or for fun.  I would (and do!) my job for free and for fun!

Now, I'm employed as a Nurse and am working in a profession where compensation and a benefit package are par for my course.  Would I do nursing for free and for fun?? YES!  (Mind you, I have for the past two years during clinical experience in the various hospitals in my town).

The blessing of the lesson I'm learning is that God is my Employer.  God "provides what I need when I keep close to him and perform his work well."  I believe this fully!  I want to see what I can contribute fully to this life!  Regardless of what my benefit package is.  More on this lesson, I'm sure, but I am blown away by this awareness, and excited to stop devaluing myself for only working in childcare these past three years.  What an honor to care for other's children, to do a great job at it, and to be reminded whatever work I do, I get to do it for God.  Every bit of it.  Nursing, childcare, the dishes, all of it.  For God.

So, that was my morning lesson yesterday.  I went to a local coffee shop and participated in the Eckhart Tolle book study, went to leave, and couldn't find my keys.  Um.  I don't lose my keys.  I looked everywhere.  I went up and down the block, asked every business to see if someone had turned in my keys, I phoned my roadside assistance, and a locksmith was en route to open my car to hopefully find my keys--maybe they're in my car?? Tow truck comes, unlocks my car, keys are not in it. So, roadside assistance offers I get another tow truck to come, tow me to Prescott Honda, and I paid $109 for a new key.  Yep.  One hundred nine dollars.  for a key.  


I was a blob of buzzed out mess--after my morning of discovery regarding employment and worth, I lost my keys.  I had to pay money that was allotted for other things (oh well!) and thank goodness my roommate was kind enough to make a copy of his house key and bring it to me while I sat in the showroom of Prescott Honda and studied for NCLEX, waiting for my new key to be programmed.  


Holy Moly, Freaky Friday!

The entire day I had planned blew up to be not that at all when I couldn't find my keys to leave Cuppers.  What does all this mean?  Do I need to slow down?  Do I need not be on the phone talking about worth, employment and God while driving?  um....probably.

Last night, I treated myself to quiet.  Much needed and enjoyed quiet.  I watched Greenberg, which I don't recommend. And I watched A Single Man, which I HIGHLY recommend.  A movie night? With NCLEX looming in just six days?  Yep!  I neeeeeded it.

Today has been fabulously calm.  I woke well rested and caught up on some business I unfortunately neglected with my long hours this week.  I went to the farmer's market and got yummy eggplant and kale from Whipstone Farm, and some amazing vegan tamales.  I have another overnight shift tonight with four kiddos.  Whoa.  Grateful, and looking forward to earning enough tonight to pay for the week ahead.  And, study study study.

Gosh, what a week!  I'm ripe with awareness and learning, and feeling surprisingly calm about Thursday.  My job and my profession are contingent on Thursday morning at 8am and I am calm.  Thank you, God.

I hope this week ahead can continue with calm, and I don't lose any more things of value....Especially my serenity.  Most importantly, my serenity.

Happy Saturday!

sleepin in.

I haven't slept in this late in a long time.  It feels awesome!! I've been pushing the Layla envelope with three!  (yes three!) nights in a row going to bed after midnight! (ack!) Today, I woke so so so so tired.  I've been given an assignment in my step work that is very pivotal and this week has been so busy (there's a lesson; I'm going to get to it)!  Every time I started writing for my assignment, something would come up, or I couldn't see the exact harm I've caused...I was getting frustrated, and ended up canceling my appointment to go over the list.  I need more time.

I was flexible with myself this morning, too.  Being so tired, and only functioning on six hours of sleep did not sound like a super way to start my day--even though Saturdays are my favorites.  In the four weeks I've been home, I've begun this darling Saturday routine:  up at 0700, Kundalini yoga, quick breakfast, 0845 book study and coffee meeting, 1030 meeting, home around noon feeling rejuvenated and serene.

Well, today, I crawled out of bed at 0950!  WOWZA!  I didn't go to my meetings, I didn't yoga.  I've been super flexible with myself this week around activity.  I was on a roll before this week began:  hiking, yoga-ing, doing something every day...Then, I just paused for this week.  It seemed too overwhelming with all I have going on.

So, as far as my lesson for the week, here goes.  (I haven't gotten to the lesson learned part; I'm still in the discomfort of awareness).  I've set my date for NCLEX.  September 23.  That's in THIRTEEN days.  I took advice from those near to me and scheduled studying time EACH day this week..Starting with Monday.  On Monday, it didn't work.  The program Noriko lent me to use for practice questions wasn't loading and I got frustrated.  I did end up doing 180 practice questions, and that was a super starting point.  But, unfortunately, aside from a half hour of Princeton Review work booking on Thursday, that's all. I've. done. 

My discomfort lies in letting other things be more important than this study time.  More important than me working my 8th step.  More important than getting enough rest each night.  It feels like procrastination disguised by my being too busy.  I'm putting things in front of studying and working my steps.

It's uncomfortable.  And, I'm so so so grateful for the awareness.  This morning, I've made a delicious breakfast, coffee, and am listening to Wait Wait.  I am catching up the blog world with my lessons.  I work a 24-hour shift beginning at 1700 tonight, and have a busy day planned with my little kiddo tomorrow.  The good news?  It's only 1100 and I have six hours to focus on NCLEX.  (My goal for today is a solid three hours of studying).  I look forward to sitting in awareness around this lesson of putting myself first and transitioning into acceptance.

A fun note: I was flirted with last night by a man I find totally sweet, intelligent and kind.  It was very exciting and fun and we made plans for Tuesday night. Hmmmm....So didn't see that coming.

An awesome God note: my darling friend is out of surgery, her discharge papers are signed and we had an awesome conversation this morning.  Her voice doesn't sound groggy at all; she sounds great.  She will be home this afternoon, and I'll get to see her tomorrow.  God is so great!  (Thank you for answering prayers, and allowing my darling friend to be safe, without complication, and hopeful!)

A body note:  I plan to do a whole blog about this because it's totally weirding me out but I'm in size 12 pants--like, totally in a size 12.  I weigh 165 pounds.  I haven't been this little since 2002.  (little:  re: still overweight as BMI standards go, and I still feel I could lose another 20 pounds!)  The future blog will be about how I thought it was going to feel, because it is surprising and weird, and I don't trust it, and I really thought fitting into those GAP size 12's and American Eagle size 12's I've kept for EIGHT YEARS would be more monumental than it was yesterday when I pulled them on and they were kind of loose.

A work note:  I'm so excited about my new job, and didn't ask what would happen if I don't pass NCLEX--it is in the back of my mind.  What if I don't pass??  I have a list of questions to ask the Director of Nursing next week, and will hopefully get more of an idea of what life working as Registered Nurse will be like. As far as childcare goes, I'm blown away at God providing so hugely for me right now.  I am working lots, and having fun, and enjoying the kiddos with whom I keep company.  I am so blessed!!  

I hope this day is treating you well.  It's a big day for American history--nine years ago today.  I think it's important to live life to the fullest on this day--heck! I think that of every day, but especially today.  There seems something  powerful about enjoying the freedoms of this American life and celebrating them.  For me, celebrating the joy of American life is the best way I can acknowledge the awful of September 11.

HIRED!

I was hired today at a 16-bed acute-care facility in my community.
I am blown away.
And so thrilled.

I begin orientation on September 27---after I pass NCLEX and get the good fortune of seeing Michael Franti & Spearhead in concert in Flagstaff September 26.

I am so delirious with gratitude and awe I can feel my head floating a little higher than it was before 1600 this afternoon.

Now, I'm making donuts for a sweet friend's birthday celebration tomorrow.
And walking in a somewhat stupor of gratitude and amusement that this is indeed my life.
Ohmygosh!

So blessed.

strange and graceful ease

It's been nearly two weeks since my big catch up the world post about the end of my trip and start of life back in Prescott.  And, I have been home for just over three weeks.  I am amazed how quickly time flies--and that I've been able to transition into life so well.  In hindsight, of course.

I panicked when I got home.  P.A.N.I.C.K.E.D. I was a mess and reminded of a certain prayer to keep me focused on life bigger than me, and a Power Bigger than me that will provide!

Eternal God, Lead me now out of my familiar setting, where doubts and fears reside.  Lead me beyond my pride and my need to be secure, into strange and graceful ease.  Your arms of hope support me, and I hear your voice in my silence.  I will grow strong enough to endure and be flexible enough to share your grace with others.  

Then, life started happening.  After my initial panic I got myself to a meeting QUICK and began to get the much sought after serenity I had been lacking after eight long weeks away from the rooms that help keep me focused on a spiritual solution.  I've been making four to five meetings a week, making lots of phone calls, and getting back on track with my recovery.  It's been wonderful, and I'm reminded how much work living this spiritual solution is.  Today, I'm willing.

I also knew I needed to find a roommate with whom to share my awesome space.  I found Noriko through Craigslist and have not had any problem with the site so I posted a prayer-inspired post, and got quite a few responses--all of them felt alright.  Then, Jeremia wrote, and YEP!!  God is awesome, we emailed for a day or so, talked on the phone, and then Sunday Aug 15 he came by to check out the space, meet me in person, and that afternoon paid the deposit to be my housemate.  Wow, God!!   Quick work!!

He moved in Aug 25 and so far, so great!!  I think we're finding our 'living together, getting to know each other' vibe out and it's working well!

A lot of my fear and panic was looped in and entangled around money.  Imagine that.  I was so afraid I wouldn't have enough, wouldn't be able to pay bills, rent, food, any of it.  Why is it so hard for me to remember that God has my back??  I heard this week:  If God leads you to it, God will lead you through it.  God is leading me to the miracles and joy of my every day life, so OF COURSE God is going to lead me through the 'supposed' trial of daily living.

I started to let go of the outcome.  Reminded again of another prayer ridiculously helpful:

God, enlighten me.  Help me recognize Your will.  Give me the strength to execute Your will for my life.  I willingly let you take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  

Yes.  I willingly let God take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.  That does not mean I sit in my home and pray for money to fill my accounts and pay my expenses.  No.  So, I reached out, I lined up work with families I worked with before I left.  And, all has been okay!!   My fear has been slowly decreasing.  I do have moments of fear, but I have to remind myself fear doesn't leave me completely, and fear is a reminder to trust God.  Fear is an opportunity for me to practice faith.  I am grateful for these reminders.

Without giving away too much, I have come home to two friends dealing with stupidyuckylotsofswearwords & expletives: Cancer.  I have a myriad of emotion around these diagnoses.  I am confused, frustrated, angry, sad, and utterly powerless.  I am reminded of the beauty of the Al-Anon program with regard to alcoholism initially, but applicable to everything:  I did not cause this, I cannot cure this, and I cannot control this.  Oh sweet powerlessness:  I embrace you now as this yucky yuck enters my community and I ask that you show me what I can do to be of service, not judge, be kind and tolerant and most of all, loving.

I have written about it loads, and I know if you keep up with this blog at all you know I have my test date for NCLEX.  I am beyond excited to apply my belief and faith in God's will around this exam, do my footwork, which means STUDYSTUDYSTUDY, and rock the socks of this sucker.  September 23, baby!!  A perfect day--autumnal equinox, equal parts sun and night, and the beginning of my favorite season, Fall.  And, a full moon to boot.  I'm taking the exam in the city of my birth, Mesa, Arizona.  Magical beauty of course!!  Do I subscribe that all these magical events are ripe to my passing NCLEX?  No!!  I do subscribe that this date feels right, my instinctual thought says YES! and after prayerful consideration and a very good night's sleep, this will be the date I take my knowledge, hard work and Higher Power to the testing center, sit down, breathe deeply and test for Registered Nurse status.

For about ten days while I was home, I found myself sleeping and waking to the sun's schedule.  I was blown away about this--Partly because I realized this rhythmic cycle began in Switzerland, and it was timely there.  The sun didn't completely set until 930 or 10p and didn't rise until 630a.  A perfect eight + hours of sleep!!  And, in California, I was fighting jetlag so the sun didn't factor in, and in Oregon, again, the sun was setting later thanks to Oregon's observance of daylight savings and I could rise with the sun at the 6a hour and feel well rested.  Well, here in Arizona, where daylight savings is just a day on the calendar and not an action taken twice a year, the sun was setting at 730p!!  So, guess who was climbing into bed with Stieg Larsson and falling to sleep by 830p and rising between 530a and 6a with the sunrise?? This girl.  I fought it at first and judged the heck out of it, (what an old lady I am to go to bed at 730p!!) then I embraced this beautiful ability to sleep and rise with the Earth.  I think I have adjusted to being back in Arizona now, and the sun's setting doesn't equate bedtime to me anymore, but I am rising with the sun still and there is such a beauty to that wakening.

I've been incorporating way more activity into my life than I ever have before and I absolutely credit God, Switzerland life, motivation from JJ and a fifteen pound weight loss since May.  I've been doing Kundalini Yoga at home three to four times a week., hiking with girlfriends one to three times a week, and have been challenged and inspired by Yoga Flow on Fridays.  My body is shifting.  My thighs are changing shape, my waist is 30 inches (!!!), and I'm in clothes I haven't worn since 2001 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  I'm falling more in love with my body than I ever have before, save freshman year of high school when I was a two-a-day volleyball champion running, squatting, crunching my way to a super fit 14-year old body.  I didn't know then I wouldn't have that body when I was in my twenties.  If only....For now, though, there is a deep joy with feeling love with the body that is looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm embarking on some deep spiritual lessons about forgiveness, judgment, acceptance, and internal discomfort.  It's uncomfortable, and at times I feel like a failure and a fugg up.  Then, I thank God for giving me awareness about areas in which I get to grow, accept my humanness, and do the next indicated thing.

I think this brings me up to current!  I am home.  I am studying for NCLEX.  I test September 23.  I am interviewing for a RN position Tuesday.  I'm working with kiddos that inspire me with laughter, sweetness, and joy.  I am surrounded by friends that have courage and strength unprecedented.  I am open to miracles and shown that graceful ease is a lot of times strange and doesn't look how I think it should, which I believe is God's way of showing up even more gracefully and miraculously.

Love to you!

Serendipity.

Merriam-Webster defines serendipity as  : the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for; also : an instance of this.  When I first read the definition I was a bit confused--especially as I've been saying, wow! This is all very serendipitous what has been happening lately.  Well, as Merriam-Webster defines the word, what has been happening hasn't been serendipitous at all, as I am SEEKING after the things that are happening.  

I wrote about receiving my authorization code, and I was so so so excited.  Almost too excited.  I had a difficult time being present Thursday afternoon, and finally found that September 23 was available and would be a great day to test.  Yet, I couldn't click confirm, so I slept on my decision. 

Friday morning, I woke, coffeed, showered, and clicked confirm for testing September 23 in Mesa, Arizona.  

Feels so great. 

I sent out a text to my support crew letting all know I confirmed my date, and this adventure of Registered Nurse is becoming more real as the day approaches.  Five minutes after I sent out the text, and confirmed my test date I got a call from a job I had applied to six days earlier.  

Mind you, I've applied for nine jobs so far since being back in Prescott.  I've not heard from any of them.  I am a blessed individual and have been able to continue doing childcare and nanny work for the past four weeks.  I am so blessed---I still have money in savings, I'm able to afford my life, and I'm in awe at the way God provides for me!!  

I want to stay in Prescott, and I would love to find a nursing job here and continue growing and flourishing in this amazing community of family here.  So, while working in the meantime as a nanny, I've been applying for nursing jobs as they come available.  

So, my surprise to get a call from a job I had applied to a week earlier!! And, get this:  the question she asked was, "Have you set your test date yet?"  Now, Merriam-Webster tells me serendipity is more of an accidental find and not a purposeful seeking.  I purposefully sought this job and this kind woman purposefully called me to inquire after my test date and my license.  Am I making more of a simple phone call and its timing?  Perhaps.  I just find it completely amazing I set my test date and five minutes later I'm called about an employment opportunity and my test date.  

I turned in my resume, cover letter, application and letters of recommendation (I went in with my artillery!) on Friday to another company and met with the Human Resources fella and had an awesome conversation about my inexperience in nursing, and my excitement at getting experience.  

Nursing is a phenomenal field, and it's quite specific.  My education the past two years has been broad and varied.  I've done clinical work in long-term care facilities, ICU's, Emergency Departments, surgery centers, labor halls, postpartum wings, medical units, post-surgery units, cardiovascular units, endoscopy units, and psychiatric units.  I have not had the opportunity to specialize except for my internship January through April.  My experience was perfect, too, because it was there I realized I don't know if I'm ready to begin my dream of midwifery just yet.  I think I want to experience life as an RN doing all types of nursing.  I want to do it all. (This is not surprising to me).  

So, applying for jobs means I have to WOW! my future employers with my go-get-em attitude and ability to apply the broad knowledge of nursing school into a specific field.  I have to explain the dilemma of the Catch-22: Hire me even though I don't have the experience you're after.  Train me so I will have the experience you're after.  Please.  You will not regret it because I'm eager, excited and willing to learn!  I am ready to begin this amazing career!  

I have an interview Tuesday with a 16-bed hospital in the area and I'm so excited about the opportunity.  Is it what I thought I would be applying for?  Is it what I sought after?  No!  It is a surprise, it is serendipitous, and I'm so excited!!  

Authorization.

I received in my email today a very nice and well-timed email from 'NCLEXATT.'
I have my Authorization To Test Code.
Which means I am able to sign up for NCLEX.

My future is within grasp.  I taste it, feel it, and envision success! NCLEX is the pinnacle of exams I've taken the past three years.  It is the exam that grants me Registered Nurse status in Arizona, and thankfully, because Arizona is considered a 'Compact State' this also means I'll be licensed to practice nursing, when I pass, of course, in 22 other states. (Unfortunately, not any of the fun ones, like Hawai'i where my mom lives, or Washington, where Whitney lives, but Texas is a Compact State, so you never know!! Maybe I head back to good ol' Pine Tree Land!!)

Regardless of where I end up, this is where it begins.   

I'm thinking September 23 but don't know yet....
I almost booked the test, was thiiisssss close to clicking 'confirm' but my gut said, WAIT!  So, I waited.  I  made a necessary phone call to my support person, and was told that if my gut says, WAIT! I wait.

What a gift of intuitive thought.

Tonight, I sleep on what it means for me to sit for NCLEX on September 23.
Tomorrow, I'll be sure to let you know.

Grateful For What I Have.

Today's Daily Reflections is so spot on!

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.12 & 12, p. 75

Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need also to ask for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will. Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

I am having a fabulous time in Switzerland.  It's days filled with amazing company, whole foods nourishing my body, and the scenery and air that is revitalizing my breath!  I'm hiking so much and am very active.  My body is responding hugely to this lifestyle.

In all of it, I'm very grateful.  My prayers to God are consistently of the 'thank you, thank you, thank you, God' variety.  It's a beautiful space to be in.

With that said, I am trying to not go to the place where I'm aware I don't have much of a job to come home to, my finances are just about gone, and I'm not sure what's going to happen with my roommate or my home. Do I move to San Diego?? Do I try to stay in Prescott?  Will the NCLEX people get my Able To Test code to me so I can pick my stinking test date?!?!

In all of that, I'm realizing it's ESSENTIAL I find the gratitude to stay in today, be humble, and seek the next indicated thing from my higher power.  Today, the next indicated thing is to help some kiddos with snack time, and enjoy the cool mountain air, the clouds, these Alpine peaks.

I'm doing my best to let go of my fear and to remember that Faith replaces Fear.  Thank Goodness....

I hope you all are doing well, enjoying wherever it is you are.

I finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson and HIGHLY recommend it and now, this Arizona girl is finally getting her hands on some Edward Abbey.  I've started Desert Solitaire and so far, HOOKED...

I leave you with this Edward Abbey quote, from The Journey Home:

There are some good things to be said about walking. Not many, but some. Walking takes longer, for example, than any other known form of locomotion except crawling. Thus it stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed. I have a friend who's always in a hurry; he never gets anywhere. Walking makes the world much bigger and thus more interesting. You have time to observe the details. The utopian technologists foresee a future for us in which distance is annihilated. … To be everywhere at once is to be nowhere forever, if you ask me

I think I've found a new favorite in the radical and influential Mr. Abbey.  Excited!! I hope to share more about hiking in this amazing place, and to share the experiences I've been having.  Time and a wobbly internet connection keeps me unable...For now, know I'm thankful for friendships that last, despite distance and time away.

LOVE!

instant Kaffee.

It's been quite a while since I've posted...Life has been busy and the internet connection has been hit or miss.  Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don't and when I do have it, it's on the nights I'm so tired the thought of sitting down for an email or blogpost just feels so 'that much more exhausting' that I close my computer, curl up with a book and head to sleep.

I am in heaven here.  It's so amazing and bright.  The world is alive--the rocks alive with the rush of water on them.  The flowers are so fragrant and plentiful.  The slugs and snails are everywhere (as are the flies. Pesty little buggers.)  After it rains, and the clouds part, the lines from mountain top and sky are so crisp!  It's like the peaks got a bath.

The Kaffee is as delicious as I remember it.  Now, I'm down in the efficiency apartment taking the morning to myself and having some Instant Kaffee.  It's so delicious.  Even the 'just add hot water and stir' stuff is worth mentioning.  (Though I didn't photograph it. :)

I had about 200 photos on my camera from my first few days out and about and I don't know what happened to them--they're gone.  So, I've been uploading to my computer and to picasa every few days so that doesn't happen again.  I know the memories aren't gone, but I sure do love having pictures of each day we're out and about so there is a sense of loss.  The scenery will still be here and I'm okay about the loss, however it happened.

I cleaned for Denise at Chalet Fontana Friday past and it was fun!  About an hour of work, and that was that.  She's very sweet and super flexible.

I've been reading a lot.  I finished The Red Tent by Anita Diamant and I know I read this book about eight years ago; I remember hardly anything from it so I'm thrilled I read it again.  It celebrated Womanhood, Family and Strength.  I really enjoyed it.  I started The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson a few days ago, and it's such a different style of book it's taking me a bit longer to get into it.  I think I'll enjoy it; it's just been a long time since I've read a murder-mystery style novel.  

I've been able to study some while I'm here, too.  I bought The Princeton Review's NCLEX-Review Book, thanks to my dear friend Alison's Christmas gift of the Babycakes Cookbook which I already had.  This review book is awesome.  It's like a workbook for nursing.  Fill in the blank, matching, labeling, true/false, about fifteen to twenty NCLEX-style questions for each chapter.  It's FUN.  It's fun because I'm doing well, and recalling a lot.  I feel confident when I get back to the States all will align as it needs to and I'll be able to crank out a successful NCLEX appearance.  I'm hopeful.

God's showing up amazingly here.  I've been praying morning and night on my knees and that habit has always, always, been helpful to center me to God's will for my life.  I've been continuing each Sunday to study the 11th step, and have been loving it.  I've had these amazing epiphanies and learning moments with regard to acceptance, tolerance, and love.

I miss my friends in Prescott and that amazing man in San Diego, and I think often how I'd like to share this adventure with them.  I see the mountain peaks and after an incredibly amazing hike, I cried tears of joy at my accomplishment, ability and the beauty of the world God sees fit for me to play.

Last year, I was scared here.  I didn't branch out a whole lot.  This year, it feels different.  I'm not afraid I don't know Swiss German.  I'm not afraid if my accent is terrible; I'll still say 'Greutzi' and 'Gut Morga.'  I am enjoying the people in this beautiful village and enjoying so much the gift that is this experience.

I don't know what life is going to be like when I get back to Prescott.  I think about it sometimes, and feel certain I'm going to pack my home up, move to San Diego, and begin a life with Nate.  I think about it other times, and feel panicky, scared, and totally anxious I'm going to be broke, homeless and without anything.  The vacillation of these thoughts is dizzying.

I am reminded often I am given a life to live.  My life includes a six-week adventure in a country I never anticipated going to with such bounty and blessing.  And I'm here--FOR A SECOND TIME!  I am reminded that up until this moment, I've been given all I've ever needed.  It's just so happened that it's looked how I've wanted it to, for the most part, and I've adapted pretty well.

(Or, at least that's how it looks on reflection.  I imagine I've been stubborn and resistant to most big changes in my life--why this would be any different, I'm not sure.  I pray for the Grace to show up as God needs me to show up--to honor God, be of service to other's and seek God's will.  In that way, I know I can't do wrong.)

When I come home in August, I don't know what life will look like, and that scares me.

It's not any different than my life up to this point.  I have to remind myself: enjoy what is, and get back to breathing and taking in this beautiful life.

I am blessed.

Glory Night.

This is the view from my porch tonight. The Eiger at Sunset.
I am blessed.

I'm tired and yet not sleepy, the irony of jetlag.
I hear the family upstairs awake and feel bad sweet Owen and sweet Sidney are not going down for the night.
There is something very, very honest about children adjusting to travel and jetlag.
Adults, we're forced to handle it and be tough about it--do the things the day demands of us.
But, kids? They want to sleep and they need to sleep, so they do.
Except at night.

It's chilly here.
The highs are in the low-60s and the lows are in the mid-40s. My feet are cold.
(It's also 2230 and it IS cold...of course I'd be chilly! :)

I checked the Arizona Board of Nursing website today and noticed my application for license has been received but my citizenship documation hasn't. Which doesn't make sense, as I sent my birth certificate with my application. I feel a little powerless--that I can't do anything about it RIGHT NOW so that feels yucky.

But, I did send an email and hopefully it is fixable, and I'll still be able to be an RN.

Also, there is a British Inn Keeper here in Murren named Denise that asked Troy to let me know if I'd be interested in any extra work she'd hire me for about three hours a week to do some cleaning! How great would that be?? I'm hoping to chat with her tomorrow about her needs and want to make sure it works with the family and all involved but the pay is awesome and it would be a huge relief (*sigh!*) to actually come home with more money than I would if this weren't an opportunity! We'll see what happens!!

The food is great. JJ does an awesome job in the kitchen and we eat phenomenally. Tonight we had a vegetable saute (onion, garlic, eggplant, potato, zucchini, chickpeas & [normal]peas) with this Tandoori Curry sauce mixed with a bit of coconut milk. All served atop brown rice. YUM. A chocolate square (or two) for dessert with some Chamomile with Lavendar tea. So wonderful.

I'm about to do some cruches, actually.
:)

I hope you all are doing well, and enjoying the Summer as it unfolds.
I am so blessed, and hope Blessings surround you as well, too.


Oh, here's today's Reminder from God:

"Soon you will truly be able to do all things through Me and My Strength."

What an awesome reminder as I'm sitting here possibly very near stressing out about my license application and knowing the amazing mountains are right outside. God will provide. I can do all things through God and with God's strength.

Blessed.

i graduate.

With Honors
ON SATURDAY.
at 1pm.

this is very very very very very exciting.
xox

highlights and lowlights.

Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."  --Mary Anne Radmacher

Hello Blog World!!

It sure has been a long time!! 21 long days to be exact!

I bet you thought I disappeared, or vanished into the oblivion that is finishing Nursing School.  Well, if you thought the latter, you're right.  I did not disappear, though.  Thank goodness.

I figured since it's been so long since I've written I'll go ahead and do a recap of the past three weeks.  How's that sound?

The week of March 29:
Wowza.

I was hit pretty hard with the sniffly, itchy eyes, scratchy throat, snotty fountain of a nose allergies.  It was fierce!  I had tissues in hand and a Ricola in my mouth most of the time.  I think I only started getting relief a week ago---crazy allergy season in the beautiful Arizona Spring.

I was struggling with pretty frequent migraines, too.  I have really had much better migraine control since I started eating a vegan diet in 2008--it's been a God Gift, really.  I had a migraine Mar 29 & Mar 30.  Big yuck.  I took my neuro exam on the 29th--the awesome Monday my instructor consented to, and I rocked it!  Even with a migraine!!

Nate came for a visit April 2--his spring break began and I got to have lots and lots of Nate time.  What a gift!  We had such an awesome visit--lots of dates.  I think we fit in a month's worth of dating into this entire week.  Saw a few movies:  he hadn't seen Away We Go yet so we enjoyed that together and same with Fantastic Mr. Fox.  Really great films!  We saw Date Night at the theatre, too, and that was so fun.

Nate and I spent a month apart.  We both agreed we don't want to do a month again--it's too long to spend that much time away from each other.  I do marvel at how well we do this long distance thing.  I think it helps we both are so busy and have our own lives.  We also communicate fantastically well, and often.  I think being honest and open, which both of us are, really helps us grow in knowing each other.

The week of April 5:
This week was the big week academically--aside from finishing my Psych paper, I finished up my academics for Nursing School.

On April 5, I finished up my Psych Clinical rotations, and it was really, really lovely.  I felt welcomed and appreciated by the women and it was such a great experience.
On April 6, I took my psych final, got an 88--VERY close to getting an A--just need to get an A on my paper, which I will, and then BAMMO!
On April 7, I took my HESI exam (stands for Health Education Systems, Inc) and it's a great little tool our school uses to see how we'll do on NCLEX (the National Council Licensure Examination---it's how I become an RN, by passing NCLEX).  Yavapai College and HESI say that if you get above a 900 on HESI you can feel confident to pass NCLEX the first try--My goal was to get at least a 900....And....

I got a 966!

I was sooo thrilled!!  Extra points were awarded for those that scored over 1000, and sure, it would have been awesome to have hit that high mark, but really?? I was so happy with my score.

April 7 was also my last shift in the Family Birthing Center.  It was a pretty quiet night, and I was very sad to be leaving.  And, as luck would have it...At 1220a as I was walking out a patient's room, I got that ohmygod dizzy head spinning feeling, nearly fell over, and felt that impending doom that is the Migraine.  I left shortly afterward--headed home to sweet Nate to take amazing care of me.  Ohmygosh.  It was an AWFUL migraine. My words wouldn't form, my hand and lips went numb.  The works.  It was CRUMMY.

Thankfully---oh, thank you God, I didn't wake with the headache Thursday morning.  I spent the day studying for my last final of nursing school.  Wahoooooooo!!!  I took the final at 5p and when I walked out, I thought, you know, I probably got an 85....felt really good about it...(I needed at least an 85 to keep my A in the class--)  Ended up, with ParScore analysis, which is a gift to all nursing students, I got a 93 on my final.

WHICH MEANS.

(Once that darn Psych paper is in and I get an A on it..)

I WILL GRADUATE NURSING SCHOOL WITH HONORS, WITH A 4.0 IN MY NURSING CLASSES.

This news makes me feel like this:

and like this:

The night of April 8 I invited my girlfriends and sweet Nate out to Raven Cafe to eat a delicious dinner (oh goodness, their new menus is AMAZING.)  I felt a huge surge of funk and crazy that night---I don't know.  It was trippy....I've been waiting for April 8 the entire semester, knowing this would be the day I was done with school.  Now, it was here.

It was a weird feeling.

I was showered with love and congratulations.  It was sooooo lovely.

Honestly, though, I felt I was walking in a daze.  It was an interesting night.

Leta, Nate and I headed over to Annie's Attic to dance to sweet DJ Wordthieves Magic Spins.  It was an okay time.  There was a person on the dance floor that my gut was screaming at me to leave--to not have anything to do with this person, even if it meant I didn't get to dance...

I didn't listen to my gut voice.

I will now.
I don't know if I will elaborate on this anymore but I will just say I learned a very valuable lesson that night.  I'm glad to have learned it.

I'm also very glad I have someone as strong and loving as Nate as my partner.  It has been invaluable to be building a friendship and relationship with this capable and worthy man.

The weekend ended strong with Nate and I dating like lovebirds all over this Prescott town.  We make a great couple.

faux pas! you can see my bra!  eek!!! we're still cute dancers anyway..... <3

Nate left Sunday afternoon...

The week of April 12.
Weird.
I'm done with school.

Sure, there's that Psych Paper looming. But, eh...

I got back to working with my kiddos this week, and it was so lovely.  I treated myself to a massage on Monday.  Greta is AMAZING.

Tuesday I worked until 2p and then Becky and I headed to Tempe to get all awesome with Ezra and the boys of Vampire Weekend.  Here's a little snippet, thanks to all the young scenesters that felt the need to photograph and video the entire thing.  I will say, in the moment, I was totally irritated.  Now, for my blogging use, I'm totally happy!


Wednesday & Thursday I worked like crazy, and gosh, with this spring weather, and the amazing kiddos I tend, I have had the best week.

I was supposed to go to Rocky Point this weekend for a Women's Spiritual Sobriety Retreat.  And, man!  Did I need the recovery this weekend....My recovery has taken a bit of a break with school being so demanding.  I haven't gone to near the amount of meetings I usually go to and though my prayer life is remaining strong, I haven't sought the fellowship of my recovery community due to being so busy with school.

Thursday, though, I had this really strong feeling that I needed to stay in Prescott.  That I should just stay here and take care of me.

I don't really know what spurred this thought, but I prayed about it and journaled about it...and my gut was just saying STAY.  Don't go.

So, I stayed.

I am so glad I did.

I've taken such great care of myself...cleaned my house, which was in desperate need of attention.  Organized my life.  Journaled.  Ate well, and cooked well.  Spent hours outside--just being outside.  Oh, glorious.

I took a bath with lavender salts and a righteous mud mask while watching Lost Season One.
GLORIOUS. 

And, now we're here.

It's been three weeks since I've last blogged, and so much has happened.  I focused more on school finishing in my recap because that feels like the biggest thing--I sent out my graduation invites on Thursday.  (Very excited to scan them and get that out there for y'all to see---you know, I can invite the blog world, too!)  It's been a wild ride, this finishing of my degree but exciting, too.  

I am so glad to be home, in my own space (I didn't mention it but I housesat for Rosie for eleven days the past three weeks, too...no wonder I wasn't really in a blogging mood...)  It's fabulous to take great care of myself and be more grounded in my spirit and self.  

I also leave for San Diego Tuesday.  

I'm headed to see Nate on his turf for six long days.  

I'm excited...

Thanks to those of you who mentioned you missed my online presence---the feedback is awesome and I value and appreciate your support!!  

Hope your weekend has been as glorious and fabulous as mine, 

timely inspiration.

Nursing is an art: 

and if it is to be made an art, 

it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation, 

as any painter's or sculptor's work; 

for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, 

compared with having to do with the living body, 

the temple of God's spirit?  

It is one of the Fine Arts:  

I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts.  

~Florence Nightingale

life on life's terms.

Last night, I had a great, tiring shift at the hospital.  It was very slow.  I took care of two 'couplets.'  Mama's and babies...No deliveries happened and it was a super quiet night.

I worked with a different RN, and it was an awesome experience--my hope and faith have been restored in my field and I will continue this journey.  (At least that's how I feel right now.)

I should have been done last night.  Given all the scheduling I've done for my preceptorship, last night should have been my last shift.  My instructor came in this morning as shift was ending and said, excitedly, "You're done, right?"

"No. I'm not done.  I have 30 more hours."

I am almost going to that shoulding on myself space where I wish it were different than it is.

I also know myself well.  I know I needed the time off I took, instead of working my shifts.  I don't feel this preceptorship has been very indicative of 'real world nursing' as my school promises because I'm completely involved in my course work at the same time.  I don't feel I've shown up with the most honorable work ethic because I have a lot on my plate.  I'm aware of all of this.

I came home this morning around 0745, washed my face, took a shower, and climbed into bed.  I prayed as I was falling to sleep that I could sleep straight until 1400.  My first wake up time was 1045.  (Not the elusive 1400.)  Then, I woke up again at 1145, and managed after a little potty break to sleep all the way to 1330!!!  YAY!  I was so thrilled when I rolled over and saw on the clock I made it to afternoon!  Wahooooo!!  I stayed in bed til 1430 and now, have had coffee, "breakfast"  and even laid out in the sunshine of this Brisk Spring Day for some solid Vitamin D synthesis.

I got good rest.  While I was laying in bed deciding if I could sleep more or if getting up was my next action, I meditated on what I was feeling.  My should thoughts kept coming up--how I should be done with my preceptorship, should be done studying all my content, should have my part of our communication project completed by now, should should should should should.  

With all the shoulds I meditated on what it would mean if I truly LET GO of how I was feeling.  I took some deeeeeep breaths.  I put my left hand on my heart and my right hand on my belly and breathed.

I imagined myself on this wind current, traveling through the What Is.

I imagined what it would be like if I didn't attach myself to my feelings.  I imagined that serenity-space that could so delicately embrace me if I weren't trying so forcefully to have things be different than they are.

I prayed.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;  unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  (From Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, p. 449)

For today, I am willing to let go of the feelings I have around school, nursing, working hard, relationships.  For this moment, I embrace the action of living life on life's terms, welcome my Higher Power into my soul and seek the moment.

From July 30 in One Day At A Time in Al-Anon

This day belongs to me.  I can do wonderful things with it, creative things, including the creation of order in my surroundings and in my mind.  Nobody else owns my particular segment of time, so it depends only on me how well I will fill every moment to my satisfaction.  Al-Anon tells me to live one day at a time.  This is that day

Just for today I will be unafraid.  Especially I will be unafraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

I'm off to play with darling girls, Sira & Kidney, and one sweet Mineral. :)

self care.

Written on my mirror, a most apt and needed phrase from Sweet Kate. I slathered on the face mask, ran a hot bath, and contemplated the idea of Keeping my sights on my goal, Keeping Up with the task ahead of me, Washing my face, and finishing this out.

I hope to one day look back on this experience and marvel at the Strength of God getting me through.
I hope to look back on this experience with pride at what I'm accomplishing.

I long to feel different than I do right now.

Tears, frustration, darn throwin' in the towel crud. That's how I feel...It all seems like it would be loads easier than it is right now.

Wouldn't that be the more easier, softer way? Didn't I cry out, "Surely there must be a softer way?" Am I balking now?

God, be my strength. I can't do this without your fierce and powerful guidance.

God CAN and WILL when I SEEK.

looking forward.

in this tired moment i'm looking forward to some things:

1. at least until i find a job in my field, i will really enjoy not being this tired. nursing is tiring.  it's demanding on my body and on my heart.  after apr 1, i will enjoy the six weeks of not working in the hospital so i can sleep during the night and feel well-rested. 
2. not always answering or wanting to answer 'tired' to the question 'how are you?' 
3. when it's a gorgeous saturday outside, i will be so excited when i don't need to sleep through the sun, warmth and beauty that is Prescott in the spring.  (right now, i am so tired, i need to sleep more; it's amazing outside.  i have pangs of guilt sleep is more important than my being outside in Arizona sun.)
4. not having to do myriad nurse's notes, flow sheets, med recon sheets, assessment data sheets, labor flow sheets, baby papers, ohmygosh we double and triple chart on that freaking floor; it's so exhausting, frustrating and i do not like it!  i was near tears last night realizing i'm writing in two places the same information.  when this internship is over, i will be very thrilled for the six weeks i have between internship and graduation not having to chart on a patient's status.  
5. i am excited to be a nurse.  (huh? all this negative talk!)  i really am excited.  last night was so busy, yet i was efficient, capable and competent.  i'm a new nurse.  i'm not going to get it all in 75 hours of precepting.  it's going to take work. and this experience is prepping me for the work involved in a new grad program, and orientation on a new floor.  this is all good preparation for my career, for my life ahead. 

i have so much to look forward to.  even if i'm so tired when i look forward my eyes blur.  

happy napping,