Reminder from God (v.2)

Today's Reminder from God is awesome given last night's events.
I'm tired, and wow-ed!  And, yet, totally calm, too.
That feels lovely.

Nothing is by chance. No detail is forgotten in My Plans for you. 

I don't know that I'll disclose much but just wanted to put out there the beauty that nothing is by chance. 

On a blog note:  when I view this blog, the header is no longer clear and crisp; it's blurry.  Is it blurry for you, too?
Thanks for the input, and Have a super Wednesday!
No Detail is Forgotten...

things i love.

Happy September Everyone!
I'm overcome with love this morning---

I love

1. coffee
2. serendipity
3. green leaves 
4. Morning Edition on npr
5. Sonja
6. a freshly made bed with clean sheets
7. successful list making (it's successful when things get crossed off!)
8. blogs
9. children
10. iTunes Genius
11. Gorilla vs Bear
12. XMU on Sirius Radio
13. being part of a community
14. being a good friend
15. having good friends
16. having enough
17. loving God
18. not knowing how to answer the question, "Layla, where do you go to church?"
19. physical activity
20. not stressing out if I don't get to work out today.  well, not totally stressing out
21. applying for jobs
22. envisioning my future
23. feeling a deep and sweet love for myself
24. learning all about cancer so my knowledge can be power. 
25. turning over cancer to God
26. trying not to hate cancer, even though sometimes I really do, and really, cancer is just cells gone a little wayward.  I can appreciate waywardness---I just don't appreciate waywardness in the lives of women I love. 
27. dancing
28. yoga
29. Switzerland
30. Hawai'i
31. my mom
32. Prescott, Arizona

What do you love?  

Three tomatoes are walking along...

You know the joke, right?  From Pulp Fiction?  The baby tomato is being quite slow, following along behind his Mama and Papa tomato and the Papa tomato squishes baby tomato and says, 'Ketch Up!'

Well, this is a Catch Up Post.

I've been back in the USA nearly three weeks.  So much has happened in that time!  I didn't feel fit to write about all that has occurred until, weirdly, I caught up on the blogs I read.  When I set my mind to something, well, sometimes I can be quite inflexible!  So, I slowly began my blogroll of reads...and let me tell you!  I sure do love the blog world!  One blog I follow, Ms. Sheryl at BitchCakes has achieved her weight loss goal and her subsequent posts have been fabulously positive and inspiring!  Another friend, Danielle at SometimesSweet, is progressing beautifully with life, baby in utero, and home buying! Angela, at Scatter Sunshine,  has been posting some really fun faith posts and intriguing-get-my-mind-rolling goodness that has been fun to keep up with this summer.  And, finally, I posted yesterday how my favorite music blogs are keeping me excited and up to date with all things Indie & College Rock.  It's been fun catching up with the blog world.

My turn, now, I guess.

I will save this for a future 'Ode to Switzerland' post but before I left JJ had mentioned that coming home was harder jet lag to handle than arriving to Switzerland.  That wasn't my experience last year so I couldn't agree, but this year, this year, I agree..  Jet lag was intense.  Reverse Culture shock was intense.  More on this later...  I was in a plane for 15 hours, and awake for 29 (minus the five hours I slept on planes two and three, total.)  I will say in gratitude:  The long flight, London to Chicago, I was upgraded to Business Class, and YESSSSSSSSS!  Soooo roomy and lovely; it was a treat!

I arrived to San Diego with Nate as my hero---he carried my luggage, brought me flowers (I LOVE FLOWERS!) and told me I didn't have to 'be' anything to anyone.  Such a relief.  Life in San Diego is fun, and we ate delicious Thai food at 11p and with a full belly I crawled to his home, showered, and tried to sleep.

Nate and I planned a pretty epic road trip upon my arrival to San Diego with one day for us to get things together, and for me to rest.  In hindsight, was that the best idea?  Probably not.  But as my recovery, my faith, and my reliance on a power greater than myself have taught me there are no mistakes in God's world.  So, Thursday, we left for San Luis Obispo.

When did my wrinkles happen?? I am a wrinkle face!  

God is awesome, and Noriko, my darling roommate, moved out of our shared home on Aug 4--that very day, instead of flying to Chicago, she flew to SANTA ANA! to see a mutual instructor of ours.  Do you know what that means??? Goodness, of course!  Serendipity!  Santa Ana is on the way to San Luis Obispo from San Diego, dontchaknow, and Nate was willing for us to take a quick hour detour so I could have a sweet visit with my darling friend. 

I am blessed to have such sweet companionship in Noriko. 

We arrived in San Luis Obispo with a few bumps along the way.  It was during this drive I began to feel something.  I called it Jet Lag until a few days ago.  I was craving alone time, and didn't know how to get it.  I was craving home, and was surprised I wasn't feeling at home with Nate, with all the travel we had planned. I wasn't acting my best self.  

Nate is a darling road companion. 

From San Luis Obispo we drove to Mount Shasta and scored an ULTIMATE camping spot at Castle Crags State Park.  We were right on the Sacramento River---it was cooooollldddd water and quite refreshing for an early morning soak!  

Refreshing Gurgling Sweet River Water

This was my first time camping in 'Bear Country!'  We had a 'bear locker' at our spot to lock our food in and we didn't see any bears.  It was kind of fun to be in such a special place, where bears hang out too.  

For dinner, we made Macro Platters and this was my first time having Sriracha in six weeks!  YUM!  (please note the oscillating fan hair look!!! I sure love my long hair but abhor having it on my neck when I'm hot!! Hence the monstrosity of a bun I sometimes sport).  

My favorite picture of Nate from the whole ten days we were together.  His smile melts me.  

From Mt. Shasta we drove to Bend, Oregon to visit some dear friends of mine, Amber, Jared and their son, Logan. 

My first time in Oregon!  I had to stop for the photo op despite having a bit of a headache (hence the crummy face. The Sun was bright!)  

In Bend, we had dinner at Deschutes Brewery and this was a tasty Mirror Pond Pale Ale.  And, 5dl of beer was a lot for a girl used to light lagers mixed with 7up all summer....Oh yummy Panache, I miss you so!

Nate and me enjoying the fun and friendship of Deschutes!

Me and Amber, darling friend!

In Bend, things took quite the turn.  I will not go into details as they're too private for blogworld but I will say I learned so much this Saturday August 7.  I learned about myself.  I learned about Nate.  I learned what I'm capable of, and what I no longer find works for me.  I thought I already knew these things, but putting them into practice proved difficult with what I had stacked up against me:  fatigue, jet lag, beer, needing alone time and not knowing how to get it.  

I don't wish to take back what happened this night because I'm reminded there are no mistakes in God's world.  I do wish to act in forgiveness of myself, truly love myself, and ponder and reflect on how my actions affect others.  No matter my excuse--the perfect storm of circumstances leading up to crummy behavior--my behavior happened, and it affected my relationship with Nate.  I woke up Sunday hungover from behavior.  I was weak with regret and guilt and it wasn't until I found some alone time in the shape of a tearful and warm shower, I was able to get on my knees, seek forgiveness from One Greater than Me, and move forward.  

And move forward we did, Nate and me.  It was tentative and slow.  We were both hurting and hesitant what the next step of our long distance romance would be.  (I shouldn't say 'we' as I don't speak for Nate, but those were the feelings I had).  Sunday we drove to Breitenbush Hot Springs Resort and it is here I REQUIRE YOU TO MAKE YOUR NEXT TRIP TO THIS HEALING SPACE!!  

We spent three days, two nights, at Breitenbush, and it was so magical.  I had that desired and sought after alone time with my journal, I soaked in healing, warm mineral water, and washed my body in an outside shower next to the flowing Breitenbush River.  I began the loving and powerful process of forgiving myself.  And it was here, Tuesday August 10, Nate and I decided to no longer be a Romantic Couple.  Is Breitenbush the type of place I expected to break up with Nate? Ohmyword, NO!!  The day previous we saw a couple get married!  It is a loving and sacred place, and I guess that is why I find it so fitting we did break up there.  Because, remember, there are no mistakes in God's world.   

What a gift--we were grown-ups!  We talked it through.  We expressed our hurts, our tears, our feelings, and our love for each other.  We decided it was no longer going to work for us and for each of us, that meant hurting a little bit now, so we don't hurt ourselves or each other more in the future.  

Hindsight.  That beautiful word.  Dictionary.com tells me it's the "recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence." Yep.  I agree.  I am aware of the reality of what a hefty road trip can do for a relationship after such a long time apart.  I see the possibility of doing things differently now but am without that ability as Nate and I are now toeing the line of 'just being friends.'  I am grateful for reflection and the ability to learn from my relationships.  

The social psychologist George Herbert Mead coined the term significant other to indicate the one who signifies or reflects back to us the meanings of our gestures and, in so doing, develops with us our ability to act meaningfully with others.  (quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz & Ketcham). I find this to be absolutely true as I ponder and reflect my time with Nate.  A sweet gift and blessing he was as a significant other.  

Leaving Breitenbush Tuesday August 10 with a car packed full of gear, heading toward Chico for a few more days
together.  This is our last picture together.  

We spent two nights in Chico, California on our way back to Prescott.  Nate is a gracious, generous man, and was on board to continue our trip as planned despite our decision to no longer be Romancers.  We eliminated Yosemite from the trip, and decided after Chico to head straight to Prescott.  

I don't have any pictures on my camera after this point.  I must have just mentally stopped needing the desire for future memories and have my mind's camera to refer.  We had a great time in Chico, where Nate is from.  We went to his favorite park growing up, enjoyed a Sampler at Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, and I continued to enjoy Nate's great company.  

I am so blessed to have gotten to know this man.  He is super great!  And, what a gift of five months we had together, working at a long distance relationship.  He was by my side during what felt like a really difficult task--finishing and graduating Nursing School.  He is a great friend, and I feel blessed I didn't put the pressure on this relationship to be the one, even though there are so many characteristics in Nate that 'could be.'  I'm grateful I wasn't dependent on the outcome of Nate and me.  I was dependent on the moments of Nate and me, and that is God doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  

It was a 15 hour drive Chico, California to Prescott, Arizona, and we made it alive, peaceful, and still with respect for one another.  (Again, I won't speak for Nate, but I will say, I sure do respect and love him).  We decided to hit up one more Brewery, for posterity's sake, the place where Nate and I met, nine plus years ago.  After a disgustingly overpriced salad and Nate's indulgence of a super yummy IPA we hit up Annie's Attic for some dancing, and that is when the feeling of returning home hit me hard.  

I am home.  

I was welcomed home with big hugs from my darling friends, Gwendolyn and Leta.  

Leta, me, Gwendolyn before I left for Switzerland, June 2010

It was in dancing with Nate I got sad about our relationship ending.  Oh, boy! how much I want a partner that enjoys dancing and moving his body!!  Sadness aside, we danced for a while and then headed to my home. 

I walked in and was awash with stagnant air, a Sonja kitty that had lost a few pounds, and sweet Noriko's energy palpably gone.  

I began panicking and sobbing in a way I hadn't done for a couple years.  Again, Nate showed his strength as a pretty stand-up guy.  He held my hand, gave me hugs, and told me those words that help so much from a friend, "You're going to be okay."  

Eight weeks away from home is a long time.  

This post has turned so long, and so reflective!!  I had no idea I had all this in me to get out---Well, maybe I did, and that's why I've been sitting on it, not wanting to write it!  I will end here, though, and catch up with what life has been like now that I'm home.  

Thanks for all the love while I've been away.  It's been such a journey!  

And, I remind myself, there are no mistakes in God's world! 

MOZZARELLA.

This afternoon, I arrived in St. Louis, France.  Yes, readers, I am in France.  And, this isn't just a plane change at Charles De Gaulle.  No, this is me, Layla S. Gigax, sleeping in France. (It's a one-night-only affair.)

I traveled from Murren today.
I hugged and kissed goodbye the sweet family that has held my company for more than six weeks.
I got on the cable car and headed down to Lauterbrunnen.  From there, I got on the train to Interlaken-Ost.  At Interlaken, I got on the train to Bern.  Bern looks AMAZING from the train.  It is a city I hope to explore more!  In Bern, I got on yet another train to Basel.  I arrived at the Basel downtown train station and Basel looks FUN. Very very chic city---I would just be so thrilled to city-explore this fantastic Country!  One day....One day.....

So, from downtown I hopped right on the bus to take me to EuroAirport, the Airport in Basel that services Basel, Mulhouse & Freiburg, among other cities.  Basel is in the north of Switzerland, on the border with France and Germany.  From the EuroAirport, I was to take my shuttle to the Ibis Hotel Mulhouse St. Louis (That's France, people).

I arrived at the airport.  And, this is where I discovered more so that language and travel sometimes need to be in sync.  And, the beauty of such small country borders.  I was on the Swiss side (inside the airport, though at the time, I didn't know this) and I found the hotel kiosk where you ring the hotel you're after, they come pick you up, VOILA!  Well, the Ibis Hotel I'm reserved at wasn't at the kiosk.  Hmm.....

Next to the kiosk was a Hertz rent-a-car counter.
Excuse Me?
I asked the young dude probably facebooking while waiting for eager travelers to rent his fantastic cars:  Do you speak English?
Yes, he said.
Where do I find the Hotel Ibis?  
He continued:  You need to go back to the bus station and go back to Basel Downtown. The Ibis is behind the Basel Downtown Train Station.

Oh.  I said, and continued.
Well, So, I have a reservation at the Ibis in St. Louis.

Oh.  He said, and continued.
You then need to go upstairs and cross over into France, cross the border, up there on the French side there is a kiosk for the French hotels.

OH.
(I walked away but inside I was grinning and skipping...I get to walk across the border INTO FRANCE! Inside a building!!!!)

So, I did just that.  I took the escalator up (heavy bags=escalating) and walked into France.
When I was crossing over I thought, "OHMYGOD I'M IN FRANCE."  I tried to contain my excitement.  To not carry on like that crazy American, "OhmyGod, y'all, I'm IN FRANCE!!" (said with way more syllables than possibly necessary).

I found the kiosk and found my Hotel Ibis in Mulhouse St. Louis, and there was no phone with which to call!  WHAT?!?!?

Good grief!
LIGHT BULB!

I have my laptop--let me fire it up and use Skype to call.
Great idea, except the wifi at the EuroAirport doesn't work.

Okay.
Next idea?

There was a darlingly cute blonde woman sitting behind yet another car rental counter.  I walked to her and asked, 'Do you speak English?'  'A little,' she said with her envy-provoking French accent.

Ahhh...
I explained my plight:  I don't have a phone to call the hotel, and the internet isn't working.  Is it possible I may use your phone to call the Ibis?

Of course, she said.
Oh, oui oui oui! Merci Merci!!

She dialed the number, and I asked for a ride from the airport to the Hotel.  The sweet lady on the other end of the phone directed me where to go.  "Outside, by the Taxis"  (I wish accent could be typed.  This post would be ripe with accent).

I went outside and waited by the Taxis.
About ten minutes later, a very nice Frenchman came to take me to my hotel.  He put my heavy bags in his trunk and away we went.  The song that played from his car's radio was '(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction' by The Rolling Stones.  Oh, Mick.  To hear your ironic voice at this lovely time!  I smiled, and peered out at this French city life.  So near to Switzerland, and busy with streets and cars and buildings older than my native Arizona eyes know.

I made it to my hotel and the driver asked me, in French, 'Parlez-vous francais?'  'Non,' I said. 'Anglais.'  He said, 'Enjoy Paris.'

I laughed, and checked into my hotel.

My room is delightful.  I have a bathroom shaped like a pod and clean floors and a very comfortable bed.  I have an internet connection.  It's raining here and I ventured out to find some food.  Dinner didn't start until 1900 and I was HUNGRY.

I found a market and bought the YUMMIEST tofu ravioli, dark chocolate rice cakes and sweet sesame crackers.  All Vegan!  YAY! Vegan snacks!!  With the help of my darling Whitney I translated the dinner menu via gmail chat, and it was all meat choices for me, so I thought some snacks would be nice to have--I could go into dinner and just have a salad, that would be perfect.

Parfait!

Walking around the French-speaking streets of St. Louis was so fun.  It was raining, and the streets are cobblestone.  I sploshing in puddles and giggling at the fact I'm adventuring in France!!! Even though I know so little French it's embarrassing and I'm so in love with all things French I should know more French!

I came home to my cute little room, chowed on my yummy food, and enjoyed some solo time.  At ten of seven, I went down to the hotel restaurant and asked the cute little French only speaking server if she had any vegetarian, vegetable only salads?  She said, OUI! The Italian Salad would be parfait!'

SUPER!
I ordered a glass of almost too sweet Pinot Gris and enjoyed Desert Solitaire while I waited for my Italian Salad.

And it came.

Six slices of tomato layered with six slices of mozzarella cheese dressed in a pesto dressing and three, yes, I counted, THREE lettuce leaves as decoration in the center.

And, you guessed it,
I ate the entire thing.

I thought once, "Yikes, I hope this doesn't upset my tummy for tomorrow."  And then I took another bite.
It was delicious.

I finished my dinner with an exceptionally dainty and delicious espresso.
My only regret is I didn't take my camera to dinner to exhibit proof of such amazing Frenchness.

If they have croissants at breakfast tomorrow, I don't think I'll be able to resist.

So, that's my Vegan Tale in France.  I love it here, and I'm only 5km from the border of Suisse.  Not Paris, but France nonetheless.

I leave tomorrow from EuroAirport at 1225 for London.  London greets me with the long flight, London to Chicago.  Then, Chicago to San Diego.  I land tomorrow night at 2205 in San Diego.  I will be tired, stinky and ready for a huge squeeze from one Nate B.

We begin our adventure on August 5.  More to come on that!

Me! With a world-traveler's new found way to curl her hair, and the yummiest dark chocolate rice crackers ever.  

Oh! I want to leave you with the coolest, most lovely and awesome video.  This song is the first in my iTunes playlist, titled, 'the Swiss life 2010.'  The lyrics follow the video. This song rules!



Modern Drift by Efterklant

I can keep my head inside

when the modern drift is all I have.

You can pull my head aside

but the modern drift is all I have.

When the moment dies 

and I come to you

with a broken lie 

that I made for you.

If I wait to see you

with the living ghosts

will they catch your sight

or the back of you?

I can keep my head inside

when the modern drift is all I have.

You can pull my head aside

but the modern drift is all I have.

We appear so strong

but we're all afraid.

They will play your hands

like a puppeteer.

And the dreams aren't true

but we know it—we know that tune

that the angel sings to the hollow death:

"I can keep my head inside

when the modern drift is all I have.

"You can pull my head aside

but the modern drift is all I have.

"It's all I have". 

Good night, France.  

It's been an unbelievable pleasure. 

listless.

When I order take away food, I expect it to agree with my body.  I trust the establishments I frequent to make delicious vegan food for my meal!  Last night, not so successful.

I ordered from the Indian food restaurant in town, and when I walked into the lounge to pick up my food I was greeted with a boisterous 'hello Layla!' from sweet Kate & Sean.  I sat with them and enjoyed a brew or two while we talked about life...glorious life choices.

They are so insanely supportive and loving, this couple.

I opened up the take away container and enjoyed my vegetable pakora while we sat and visited.

We talked about Nate.  Sean said on more than one occasion to 'follow love.'  (I haven't blogged consistently in a long time because I feel sort of lost as to what to talk about.  I have some major life decisions ahead of me, and I enjoy blogging so much--as a way to sort out my thoughts!--and with these major decisions I just don't know exactly how much to disclose.  I will just say I want it all--no surprise there!--and my future involves Switzerland, passing boards and working as a Registered Nurse, and Nate in San Diego.)

Sean and Kate are a couple I really look up to---they've been together through their respective 20's. A feat I find miraculous as my 20s were so rocky, so up and down, that to find my life partner then, despite how hard I tried!, just doesn't seem possible!!  Kate & Sean have been together 14 years!  It is awesome to be around a couple that knows each other so well, respects one another, and adventures together.  They are also phenomenal parents.

So, last night, I was privy to an impromptu hang out sesh with sweet Kate and her hubs Sean and we talked...They treated me to a tasty Bass Ale and they bought my take away!!  How sweet is that?!?

After our fun sesh, I headed to the house I'm dogsitting at and opened up my take away to chow on some delicious alo chole and sag alo (without cream, please).  Well.....good grief!  The alo chole was not that at all...not a chickpea in sight!  It looked more like lamb madras.  Ewwww... :) So, I called the restaurant and told the owner the mishap!

Oh Gil.  What a rascal you are.  He said, well, is there any way you can come back and I can see what you got?  I said, no.  I'm home now.  He said, can you freeze it and then next time you come in, bring it and I'll make it right for you?  I believe you.

I laughed. Okay, Gil.  I'll freeze this lamb monstrosity.

I made a small bowl of rice with sag alo and ate it.  It was delicious!

When I finished my tummy was grumbly and not so happy.  I thought, hmmmm....That's weird.  Maybe it was the beer??? (I don't drink that often and two beers is definitely my limit, which is what I had last night.)  So, I put on World Cafe on my local KNAU npr station, washed my face, brushed my teeth and settled into bed.

Then...
At 1130p I woke to a most upset tummy.  I was sicksicksick....

I was able to get back to sleep, thank goodness but woke at 0500 to more sickness and then up for good at 0700 with an achy tummy and listlessness.
So, my thought--my yummy take away dinner was not so vegan or full of bacteria that my tummy needed to rid itself of....(or perhaps both?!?)

I'm bummed because today was jampacked full of really fun amazing things.
Number one, I was headed to the meeting at 0730.  I need to get to more meetings.
Number two, I was going to participate in a Sentient Rhythms Dance Class today at 1030 with sweet Leta.
Number three, I was headed to a wonderful tea at sweet mama Amber's house to celebrate fellowship with some fantastic, inspiring women.

Now, I'm on the couch, drinking lots of water, and thankfully, able to keep down half a bagel.
Feeling a little listless.

I threw away the take away food.  Even the frozen lamb madras.  Gil, if your food is going to make me sick, I don't want more of it.

So, that's it.  That's an update of my past 18 hours.  On the travel channel they're recapping Hawai'i's top 10 beaches.  I want to go to the beach. (Says the girl who was on the beach just a short week ago.)  Go Figure.

empowerment.

Untitled from on Vimeo.

runnnnnnnnnnn

FEAR.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real.

Running helped this afternoon.  I am so in it...

Here's the playlist I ran to, thanks to Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet I had the idea to post a playlist....

These songs were propelling me forward, on and on and on....I hit the runner's high twice (to SOS by Rihanna and to King of Carrot Flowers by Neutral Milk Hotel.)  I set my intention for my run to help me get a little perspective on these 'little high class problems' I have and to hopefully change my perspective from such a negative one to perhaps one a little more enthusiastic and positive.

I feel so blessed running and activity are part of my life.
Thank you thank you thank you.

A little hope, even hopeless hope, never hurt anybody.

I start this end of the year post with a John Steinbeck quote.  I'm on a heavy Steinbeck kick, having just finished East of Eden and adoring every amazing page...Sure, it's long, and yeah, it's heavy, but I adore this book and it quickly became my favorite, only one hundred pages in.  I've yet to finish The Winter of Our Discontent but am enjoying it quite a lot, too.  (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has interrupted my Steinbeck flow.)

Well, enough of that.  I came across the quote and thought, you know, that is one mighty way to title this end of 2009, the end of the decade that held my twenties, post.  I was thinking admiringly that 2010 marks the start of the decade that will hold my thirties, and how lucky I am to have been born in 1979, to be so privileged.  I said goodbye to my twenties in style two months ago, this very day, and welcomed the maturity and growth that those dear to me have shown with grace the thirties bring.  And, to welcome this awesome decade of life with a new decade of time, feels super special. 

I'm working tonight and MTV2 is playing MJ: Man of the Year. Two solid hours of Michael Jackson Videos. DUDE. I'm lucky.  I'm soooo lucky.  I'm lucky to be paid to have a mellow NYE.  I'm thrilled to be so so so blessed to have the life I do.  I'm paid to take care of these little kiddos, and GOSH! How cool is that??? Just blows my mind every time I think of it:  I am living this life. 

So, I'm saying goodbye to 2009.  I had such an amazing year, too.

I traveled to Seattle to visit my lovey friend, Whitney, in January.  I started my second semester of nursing school, and rocked my classes with A's.  February brought some amazing snow and some great study time.  I began feeling really comfortable with my life as a student.  In March, I visited my parents in Hawai'i, and had a splendid time doing it up on Waikiki Beach.

April was huge for me--saying goodbye to a pretty major relationship with the help of M. Ward, and getting invited to work in Switzerland.  May started the Summer of the Dance.  And, a lot of hard work to save for my Switzerland trip, which was a blessing in itself. I also hit a huge milestone with my recovery mid-May, and I feel strongly this is when my life truly started to change.  June 2009 was chilly.  I remember being so excited when the warmth started coming and the heat heat heat couldn't get deep enough into my bones!  Lots of dancing--discovered the Right On 80's Dance Party at Sundance's with some sweet awesome Lady Friends.  Leta helped me discover I can move my body in a whole new way, and in so doing, I've discovered so much about my physical self.  Becky helped me define healthy relationships by being the ultimate Safe Buddy.

July was amazing.  I got to go camping with some right on women in Beaver Creek and play in the amazing Arizona Summer water.  I was also thrown a Surprise Party for being me. Yep.  I'm still in Shock and Awe that a party was thrown FOR ME because I'M ME.  WHOA!!!  Blown away.....I was gifted money and cards and flowers and a vegan buffet and so many hugs and loves.  A super special moment in my life.  August held the coolest thing I've done so far in my life--I traveled to Murren, Switzerland to work for three weeks with a super amazing very special family.  I traveled Phoenix to Newark, Newark to Geneva, got on a train and trained through Switzerland to Lauterbrunnen where I then got  on some mind-blowing cable cars.  I arrived in the Swiss Alps in a village called Murren, greeted by JJ, Sidney and Owen.  True to form, Sidney was covered in face paint.  A warm, colorful welcome.  I don't know if I will ever be able to articulate well enough the HUGENESS that was my Switzerland trip (dude---Thriller just started....)  I think it fitting I try explaining Switzerland with a Steinbeck quote from East of Eden:

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then—the glory—so that a cricket song sweetens the ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished…"

 I started September fresh from the Swiss Air, and a feeling of calm was in my core.  I don't know how else to describe it but I began my third semester of nursing school a week behind every one else, and maybe it was all that Swiss chocolate I ate, or the fifteen pounds I loss in the process, but I didn't have stress.  I began stressing out due to my lack of stress.  School was amazing.  I got to see my first birth September 9, 2009 in the hospital and I got to meet someone I dreamed about in Switzerland in person September 26, 2009.  I started a relationship in September with this cute fella and feel so blessed by his presence in my life. 

Oh, October, I love you so.  Not only are you my birth month, but you mark the coming of fall in this amazing place I live.  October was great.  School was busy and fun.  I experienced my first home birth thanks to an amazing woman, Sarah, allowing me to be apart of her son Cade's entry to this world.   I turned 30 the last day of October, 2009.  November brought lots of school and still little stress, thank you, God!, and more wonder with this new relationship.  Thanksgiving was a super treat--I love being with my family and recovery has truly allowed me to strengthen the relationship I have with my mom.  And now, December.  I'm done with you, which is good.  That sweet relationship I spoke of ended on the 12th, and I'm just okay with that, now.  I'm done being sad over it, though there are still moments where I shake my fist at God and wonder WHY??!?!?!?.  I know, though, that I am taken care of so completely by my Higher Power, and I'm not in charge of the outcome of my life.  I'm just in charge of showing up to the best of my ability today and I have faith I can give God the big picture of my life, by so doing I'm able to trust God and practice my faith.

Gosh.  It's been a super duper year.  I am so blessed.

I have so much hope for the year ahead, too.  I'm hopeful for my education.  I'm hopeful for my relationships.  I'm hopeful to expand further in my conscious contact with my Higher Power.  I sit here, sleepy and with an ear to what could be little girl's needing my attention tonight, grateful.  I am just so blessed, and glad I have hope.

Come on, Twenty Ten! Let's do this thing!

some things i've learned since being single...

Hi there BloggerLand!
Oh, it has been soooooo long.

I've been busy.

Since my last post, my gramma died, nursing school started, Macallie & I started therapy and promptly broke up a quick four weeks later. Macallie moved out. We fought a lot, made up a little bit, and now we're on somewhat surprising terms: possible friendship and even a little bit of civility. It's nice.

Now, my birthday is a short five days away. I'll be entering my 30th year on this planet, which is a fancy way of saying that I have one more year of my twenties and am not yet as cool as all my older friends entering that world of the thirties. I will indeed be just 29.

With all this change, I'm in the mood for some serious reflection, and in need of an outlet to express all this internal chaos....Welcome back, Lily Potter Mansfield, from Manchester, NH. (My stage name...it worked really well in Vegas last summer when I was getting hit on by all these older dudes. Wow. I am so gooood at lying.)

Now, for some of my lessons learned.

1) I am a control f.r.e.a.k. I have this issue with needing to be in charge, in the know, aware (but sooo not in the good sense), up to speed, in the dish about everything. When it came to Macallie, I had to know what he was doing, where he was going, why he wasn't home, who he was with, who's calling him, where did all his money go? Yes. This was me. This was horrifying to realize upon retreat from the relationship--that I was engaged to a person I didn't trust able to manage his own life so I had to take it upon myself to manage it for him. Very hard to realize. Also, in this realization, it became obviously clear that my safety somehow was linked to how in control I was. Some sub-category lessons I've learned on this subject:

a) There are three inherent instincts we are all trying to maintain as humans.
our sexual relationships
our social relationships
& our security.

b) I have somehow linked my security instinct with this illustrious illusion and perception of control.

Another thing I've noticed about this control thing....if I don't have a dude in my life to somehow micromanage, I'll find the littlest things upon which to put my magic control touch.

Are you ready to hear about my insanity?
Well. Too bad. I'm not ready to divulge.
Ha. Just kidding.

Some things I do: I recycle my dishes. Now, I don't mean that I'm a good girl and recycle the glass plates or mugs if they break. No. I mean that if I used a plate then I put the plate, once clean, under the stack of clean plates so it won't be used all the time. Yes. I am admitting my obsessive insanity.

Also, I compulsively organize my netflix queue. For no other reason then it's something tangible to organize and be in control of. I don't even know what movie is coming next; I do know that it is fairly organized and is the movie the list is going to send me. Ohmygod. I am sort of, well, not that embarrassed because I'm getting this all out, but this is the real me.

It is becoming deliciously obvious to me why I am not in a relationship anymore. And, I've only started with control.

2) I am a professional procrastinator. On that matter of instinctual security, I feel safe when I feel the impending doom of what needs to be done and how incapable I am to do it all. It makes no sense to me this need to not do, but to just sit and ponder all that needs to be done. It is a safety to go right into old Layla behavior and explain explain explain how fabulously unique I am to not complete the tasks that are before me to do. I chose to be a student. I am terminally reminded that October is just a really tough month for me and it's hard to accept where I'm at because right now it's just not the perfect place to be. With this understanding, I chose to accept myself as not a perfect human. And, at times like these it's hard to accept....Very wordy sentences to say this: I need to just get some homework done and I know I'll feel better. I'm finding that I'm putting things off to the ever present 'tomorrow' and I'm wondering when tomorrow is going to get here. This idea of tomorrow is spanning more than just the understood calendar day.

3) I am a hopeful faithful little bugger. I have developed this ultimate amazing wonderful relationship with this great and powerful huge force in my life I sometimes call God and sometimes call Hugh Patterson. I get stuck on pronouns when it comes to talking about g-d (how my sweet Jewish friends refer to the power) and I don't know if this energy force is a dude or a cool girl or just this force. So, I find myself often referring to my higher power and HP (hence the Hugh Patterson and often times, the male pronouns get used.)

All that talk for this: God is doing for me what I can't do for myself. And, I see this daily. It is such a blessing to be in relationship with this powerful god of mine. It is amazing. I am sleeping better than I have since I moved to this house (April). That is god doing for me what I cannot do.

I am NOT in control of my sleep, I have recently discovered. I am aware of my procrastination and control tendencies and only slightly allowing these awareness to put a dent in my growing esteem and worth--that is god doing for me what I can't do for myself.

I normally would be under the covers lamenting my worthlessness and become a swirl of isolation, still not doing anything about the impending things I need to get done. Now, I am not doing the things I need to get done, and noticing my control, but there's this peace about it all. Very weird. And very divinely god giving me a little push to take it easy on myself and love what I am, cause oh great Popeye, "I am what I am."

4) My mom googled me, and this blog came up. And, she read it. And, it scared me. Here's a little god thing, though: I didn't run to this site and see if I wrote anything about her. Ha! I love that!! I still haven't even looked. I guess my safety isn't totally completely wrapped up in what others think of me.

5) Since breaking up with Macallie, I haven't once been interested in being with another dude. Well, I take that back. For the first week or so, I was super interested in this great idea of a guy....and g-d sort of woke me up to how important being single is for me right now. I am totally amazingly grateful for god's time for my life. I am blessed to not be in the relationship I was just in. I am a little lonely but at night when that loneliness creeps in I remember how well I've been sleeping and how if I were still in that relationship, I wouldn't be sleeping well, and I would be marinating all over the place about someone else's behavior, instead of looking at all my own stuff....

I have a lot of stuff to look at. I am a glorious woman creature. I have loads of good qualities...divinely and wonderfully, g-d created me with these wonderful defects, shortcomings, faults, *bad* qualities to look at and be aware of....I'm very grateful for this process of growing and understanding where I'm at. I'm really happy to be single. I'm happy to be giving poor Macallie a break. I'm happy to be giving myself a break, too. I'm amazingly happy despite all this stress, grief, and loneliness that could easily permeate my every breath. And, while writing that last statement joyous how well god does for me what I cannot do for myself.

new music...it just sort of hit me upside the head.

Totally Mind Blown.

"Messages" was the last song to one of the Weeds episodes I was indulging in, and wow. I immediately HAD to know who was singing to me, and why on earth had I not heard of this artist before!

Imagine Jack Johnson & Ben Harper & Ben Lee playing the didgeridoo and jamming out without shoes on. Well, there ya go. A nice 'summed' up version of this goodness that is Xavier Rudd. But you know what? He's better than that.

Right on!

I love new tunes!!

Oh! And, It's the Fourth of July. Go America. I spent the day enjoying more rain with the windows and doors open, reading Geek Love and watching Californication. I have been enjoying all this fabulous self time. It is soooo right on. Go Layla.