Then she asked if I'd be Stella's Valentine (her dog.)
And, then, Will you be Darwin's Valentine? (her husband, my step-dad.)
I remember Mom often giving me Valentine gifts and cards. When I was 12 (or so?) she bought me Monopoly and I was so thrilled! We were each other's true Valentine's and often there for each other on this day when I was growing up. I'm 30 now and she's married to a super swell guy who I'm sure makes a pretty nice Valentine. It still is so lovely to consider her my Valentine.
We ended up talking for a long time---about what's going with her and me, about the fear I've been struggling with regard to graduation, job getting, staying in Prescott, Switzerland, the money, all of it. She listened. My mom listened. She sat there and listened! It felt such a triumph! I wasn't offered suggestions about what to do or offered condolence for my fear and frustration. She just listened. It was monumental and beautiful. She even thanked me for sharing what's going on with me so candidly and honestly. Holy Crap! What a huge breakthrough between the two of us! (Thank you, God!)
I often don't share things with my mom due to the fact I don't think she listens. (read: I don't think she listens. She very well may be listening. My thoughts are that she doesn't listen.) So there was some cosmic beauty about today's conversation because I felt and thought fully she was hearing what I was saying, and doing that beautiful thing of just listening. What a gift it is to be heard. Truly heard.
My Terry Dad called today, too, and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. He's the superest duperest best Dad I could ever hope to ever have, ever. I am so blessed. We had an amazing conversation. I had just gotten home from my stellar run. I shared with him that I'd gone running because I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed and I needed to release some tension. He paused. (He is a great pauser.) And he says, "Is there something we need to talk about?" In great dad fashion!
So, I spilled my guts to my Terry Dad about what's going on. More honesty just pouring from me about all my fear. Terry listened and offered a couple really great suggestions. He said the following things that are most beneficial:
1. "Don't make important decisions while under stress"
I love this! He even said, how good of you to go for a run. That is the kind of decision most beneficial while stressed! (awwww....thanks, daddy-o!) We have a slogan for this in Al-Anon: When in Doubt, Don't. Oh yeah! I don't have to do anything right now. I just have to be with this feeling. Release it and ask for God to take over. For God to direct my thinking and help me focus on the next task in front of me.
2. "Have a little faith in yourself, Layla. You're Layla"
This one took my breath away. OH YEAH! I get to have faith in me!! I've been putting a lot of faith in God and my Higher Power to help me with this fear....But you know what Terry reminded me?? God. Made. Me. God made me with this determined, intelligent, capable self with a killer attitude inclined toward the positive. God made me authentically. God gave me this brain to be so smart with, this long had desire to be around birthing babies and this natural gift with kiddos. God did this! Which means, yes, I get to praise and lift up God and rejoice at these gifts. I also get to have faith in the thirty years I've spent on this planet. I get to have faith in myself, too.
All in all, I was overwhelmed and fearful today. And, I took care of myself. I spoke honestly about my fears and I went for a super cardio session to hopefully get some perspective. I didn't come away from the Y with this whole thing figured out... I did come away feeling excellent physically and proud of the change my body is making due to fitness and activity. I feel better. I am still uncertain about the future but A-HA! This is all outcome stuff. And, remember?? I'm not in charge of the outcome.
I want to share a little Eckhart Tolle from A New Earth. It's been very helpful the past few weeks.
There are three modes of awakened doing: acceptance,enjoyment and enthusiasm.
quote found here.Each one represents a certain vibrational frequency of consciousness.You need to be vigilant to make sure that one of them operates whenever you are engaged in doing anything at all—from the most simple task to the most complex. If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others
I am trying to remember this journey of my life must be met with one of the three aspects of doing: acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm.
I look to enjoy with enthusiasm the week ahead.
And to quote Tina Fey, "Happy Valentine's Day, No One."
Did you see this week's 30 Rock? Sheer Brilliance!