Eckhart Tolle (v.1)

I've had A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle for a few years now, and just figured I couldn't really get into it because of the rigorous reading requirements of nursing school.  I have a couple friends that have been studying this book and I asked them recently if they would be interested in meeting to do a book study--selfishly, so I can actually start studying this intriguing book, and altruistically, because I really like book studies with these women!

Friday marked our first meeting, and with A New Earth I've only been able to get 60 pages in!  I've tried reading it three times!  Three times!  And each time I get sidetracked and stop around page 60....So, I'm super thrilled to begin this book in the way we are.  One of the members is going to pick a topic and we'll read on the topic and talk about it.  Very casual.

The topic chosen was Conscious Suffering and Conscious Parenting.  I about floored when I walked into the meeting--I was a bit late because of my schedule, and feeling an overwhelming sadness regarding my friend in surgery.

Here is what we read:

If you have young children, give them help, guidance, and protection to the best of your ability, but even more important, give them space--space to be.  They come into this world through you, but they are not 'yours.'  The belief "I know what's best for you" may be true when they are very young, but the older they get, the less true it becomes.  The more expectations you have of how their life should unfold, the more you are in your mind instead of being present for them.  Eventually, they will make mistakes, and they will experience some form of suffering, as all humans do.  In fact, they may be mistakes only from your perspective.  What to you is a mistake may be exactly what your children need to do or experience.  Give them as much help and guidance as you can, but realize that you may also at times have to allow them to make mistakes, especially as they begin to reach adulthood.  At times, you may also have to allow them to suffer.  Suffering may come to them out of the blue or it may come as the consequence of their own mistakes. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could spare them from all suffering?  No, it wouldn't.  They would not evolve as human beings and would remain shallow, identified with the external form of things.  Suffering drives you deeper.  The paradox is that suffering is caused by identification with form and erodes identification with form.  A lot is caused by the ego, although eventually suffering destroys the ego--but not until you suffer consciously.  

Formless attention is inseparable from the dimension of Being.  How does it work?

As you look at, listen to, touch or help your child with this or that, you are alert, still, completely present, not wanting anything other than that moment as it is.  In this way, you make room for Being.  In that moment, if you are present, you are not a father or mother.  You are the alertness, the stillness, the Presence that is listening, looking, touching, even speaking.  You are the Being behind the doing.  

These paragraphs are so ripe with tangents and thoughts.  I love what Mr. Tolle says about suffering--that it is not avoidable.  In 12 Step rooms, I hear often, "Pain isn't option, but suffering is."  And, in some cases I believe that statement.  It is up to me to not suffer because of the pain that is bringing about change.  Pain is the catalyst for my change, and I'm grateful for the awareness.  In Mr. Tolle's language, I believe the awareness that pain brings about discomfort so I may begin to change what is causing me pain is 'Conscious Suffering.'

I appreciate so much the essence of Being, especially as it relates to parenting.  I spend a lot of time with children, and hope one day to have my own (God willing!)  I sincerely appreciate the reminder that in the moments I am the Being, the essence of who I am, and I let go of all else, I'm truly showing up for the children with whom I keep company.

I hope your weekend is blessed!

Reading Rainbow.

image credit weheartit

I loved Reading Rainbow as a kid.  I think I've mentioned it here before years ago but I would sit in front of my mirror in my bedroom and do 'book reports' like the kids on the show.  I would excitedly and animatedly tell of the plot and illustrations of the books I just finished.  I was probably nine or ten.

Since college, the first go-around in 1997, I have kept a 'book journal' of each book I've read.  I am compulsive about it, and shoot for yearly goals for number of books read.  I try to read 12 each year and always surprise myself by bypassing that goal.  

In a lot of ways, I think my book journal is just me still sitting in front of the mirror doing my own personal book report on my favorite PBS show.  

With that background, I must inform you to get and read The Millenium Trilogy by Steig Larsson.  These books are phenomenally written by Stieg Larsson, painting a vibrant and detailed Swedish world of crime, violence and triumph.  I have found,without giving too much away, despite the initial violence of the first book, the series is in its whole a tribute to the power of Women.  

If you're stuck and not sure what to read, get this series.  I can promise by page 50 of the first book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, you will be hooked.  The initial description of Lisbeth Salander hooked me and I couldn't put it down.  I immediately devoured books two and three of the series.  

Happy Reading!!

(And, on that note:  What are you reading that you can't put down??  I was sidetracked by Mr. Larsson's vivid world so I'm just now finishing Edward Abbey's Desert Solitaire and thanks to my mom, have received Lit by Mary Karr which I'm insanely excited to begin.  I'm still chewing on The Spirituality of Imperfection every few days and also trying to get at least an hour of NCLEX studying in each day.  Ohmygosh, I love to read.)

Edward Abbey (v. 5)

From Desert Solitaire 

If a man's imagination were not so weak, so easily tired, if his capacity for wonder not so limited, he would abandon forever such fantasies of the supernal.  He would learn to perceive in water, leaves and silence more than sufficient of the absolute and marvelous, more than enough to console him for the loss of ancient dreams. 

My prayers the last few days have been about releasing the outcome of what is to happen when I get home.  I am 13 days away from Prescott.  I know not what I come home to.  And, I am reminded by past experience my imagination isn't as powerful as I like to think.

Continually, I would hope for something, wish for something, desire something, thinking it the pivotal and most fabulous, and really?  God's plan was so much more cohesive, brightly colored and seamless than what my imagination could scheme and want.

I appreciate Mr. Abbey's words in this context.  If my imagination were so powerful, perhaps I wouldn't need to dream of celestial, heavenly beings creating my life for me.  Perhaps that is why my imagination is limited, so I can release the possibility of my life to God, and trust in God's great imagination to see the the larger picture.

One more quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection, a quote from William James

Suppose, for example, that I am climbing in the Alps, and have had the ill-luck to work myself into a position from which the only escape is a terrible leap.  Being without similar experience, I have no evidence of my ability to perform it successfully; but hope and confidence in myself make me sure I shall not miss my aim, and nerve my feet to execute what without those subjective emotions would perhaps have been impossible. 

But suppose that, on the contrary, the emotions of fear and mistrust preponderate; or suppose that, have just read [WK Clifford's] Ethics of Belief, I feel it would be sinful to act upon an assumption unverified by previous experience--why, then I shall hesitate so long that at last, exhausted and trembling, and launching myself in a moment of despair, I miss my foothold and roll into the abyss. 

In this case (and it is one of immense class) the part of wisdom clearly is to believe what one desires; for the belief is one of the indispensable preliminary conditions of the realization of its object.  There are then cases where faith creates its own verification.  Believe, and you shall be right, for you shall save yourself; doubt, and you shall be right, for you shall perish.  The only difference is that to believe is greatly to your advantage.  

Oh, I love this quote.  In fact, I haven't read further in the book because I've been marinating on this idea of belief versus doubt.  I adore, "Believe, and you shall be right, for you shall save yourself; doubt, and you shall be right, for you shall perish.  The only difference is that to believe is greatly to your advantage."

I believe I'll get ready to depart Suisse now.
I have lots of time ahead to meditate, journal, pray and study for that (when the heck will they give me my test code) NCLEX.
I hope I sleep and my tummy feels a bit better.  Six half slices of mozzarella isn't agreeing with me so well this morning, but I maintain the belief all will be well.

 

 

Head and Heart

I am reading two phenomenal books right now.  One by Edward Abbey and One by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.  One is prose about life in Moab, Utah in the late 1950s while Mr. Abbey worked as a park ranger in Arches National Park.  The other is a collection of stories reinforcing the spiritual life, "stories you tell that may save someone's life, stories for anyone interested in an age-old tradition of spiritual literature that asks the hard questions of the human condition."  These books feel linked to me, and I'm enjoying reading them simultaneously.

This is a pretty hefty quoted chunk from the latter book, The Spirituality of Imperfection.  I've read these last few paragraphs five or six times, and each time, they say something different.  I need to share them.

Fundamental to human be-ing is a root sense of connectedness--and specifically of that connectedness as somehow lost, missing, or wounded.  The resultant yearning to be in some way united with reality beyond or larger than one's self underlies all art, religion, and love.  When that connection is not present, we experience alienation and separation, a sense that "something is wrong" or, as the philosopher Alfred North Whitehead put it in locating the origins of spirituality, "Something is awry."  We reach out to touch, we ache for contact, but something is missing.  In the absence of that connection, we experience the sensation of being fractured, torn apart, pulled in a dozen different directions. 

Putting the fractured pieces back together again--setting the bone back in its socket, bringing some wholeness to the sense of "torn-to-pieces-hood"--requires acknowledgment and acceptance of the essential connection between vision and feeling, between head and heart.  Yet from the beginning of humankind's thoughtful presence on earth, human beings have been breaking themselves up into two--body-mind, thoughts-emotions, head-heart.  Having made that division, philosophers for thousands of years and physicians and lawyers in more recent times hold lengthy debates about which bodily organ--the brain or the heart-- is more critical to being human. 

Weaving in and out of this debate are the gentle voices of an august company of spiritual thinkers who resist these efforts to make the human being a one-sided conversation, a monologue, with either the head or the heart running the show.  Our two-sidedness, our being both/and rather than either-or, means that we may be distinguishable, but we are not divisible.  To be "mixed" is not to be divided; a stew is not a salad bar.  The head and the heart are not only connected, but if we are to live a spiritual life, that essential connection must be nurtured and protected.  How can we discover wholeness if we persist in dividing ourselves up into conflicting parts?  

The American Spiritual genius Jonathan Edwards is but one of many who steadfastly opposed all efforts "to divide human nature into separate compartments of mind, will and emotion."  Edwards loved to speak of "the sense of the heart":  In rooting "the mind, will and emotion" in the heart, he was insisting that there is a center of human personality, so that "what we think is inevitably the product of the set of our wills, which in turn results from the basic direction of our hearts' desires."  

There's obviously more.  I mean, this is just four paragraphs in a book of stories and thoughts on spirituality.  The part that is profound to me is the last:   what we think is inevitably the product of the set of our wills, which in turn results from the basic direction of our hearts' desires.

While here in Switzerland I've been meditating and contemplating the 11th Step, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."  Reading this quote about what I think is inevitably a result of my own will, which is in turn the result of my heart's desires calmed me.  I don't know what God's will is for me.  I only know to do the best I can today, pray my focus be turned toward God, and leave the outcome, the results to God.  I do know I have desires and wants.  It can be a blurry place--to want a life, things, relationships, and relinquish these wants--to truly release them to what my Higher Power would want for me instead.

Are they linked?  Is God's will for me the same as my own?  I have no idea.  I know I'm created by God, and God has given me this heart, full of desires.  My will gets in the way when I'm not willing to change a behavior, be honest, be kind, tolerant and loving.  When I'm not willing, I feel I am most drenched in my will. Stubborn insistence my wants and desires be met is sign for me I'm not open to what God has in store.

So, I wait.  I sit and wait.  I read Desert Love Prose in the form of Desert Solitaire while the weather here in Murren, Switzerland is cold, raining and cloudy.  I dream of the heat the sun will grant me when I get home to sweet Arizona.  I look forward with anticipation to what God has in store.

I am uncertain and unsure.

I am also willing, in this moment, to turn my entire life over to the care of God.  To trust the outcome of my life to God.

And that feels safe, lovely, sweet.

No matter what book I'm reading. 

Edward Abbey (v. 4)

from Desert Solitaire

Has joy any survival value in the operations of evolution?  I suspect that it does; I suspect that the morose and fearful are doomed quick to extinction.  Where this is no joy there can be no courage; and without courage all other virtues are useless. Therefore the frogs, the toads, keep on singing even though we know, if they don't, that the sounds of their uproar must surely be luring all the snakes and ringtail cats and kit foxes and coyotes and great horned owls toward the scene of their happiness.  

What then? A few of the little amphibians will continue their metamorphosis by way of the nerves and tissues of one of the higher animals, in which process the joy of one becomes the contentment of the second.  Nothing is lost, except an individual consciousness here and there, a trivial perhaps even illusory phenomenon.  The rest survive, mate, multiply, burrow, estivate, dream and rise again.  The rains will come, the potholes shall be filled. Again.  And again.  And again.   

I love, "where there is no joy there can be no courage."  I love this book.

Edward Abbey (version three)

This quote is so appropriate given my current love of reading and how veracious I've been as of late...

The best thing about graduating from the university was that I finally had time to sit on a log and read a good book

Thanks, Cactus Ed. I'm enjoying reading about your life, and reading your wisdom and especially enjoying reading Desert Solitaire. I find it appropriate I am studying Ed Abbey with as much vigor as I once tackled my nursing classes... 

Edward Abbey (version two)

I read this last night and nearly cried.
Appropriate lovely writing has landed in my hands.  Thank you, Kate, for suggesting this book to me.

From Desert Solitaire:

I am pleased enough with the surfaces - in fact they alone seem to me to be of much importance. Such things for example as the grasp of a child's hand in your own, the flavor of an apple, the embrace of a friend or lover, the silk of a girl's thigh, the sunlight on the rock and leaves, the feel of music, the bark of a tree, the abrasion of granite and sand, the plunge of clear water into a pool, the face of the wind - what else is there? What else do we need?

Edward Abbey.

I've fallen in love with Mr. Abbey and I've only slightly tapped the caverns of his writing.
I wanted to post one more little niblet.

From a speech he gave to environmentalists in 1976:

One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.

How am I only discovering Mr. Abbey now???? Oh, I know---because I've finally finished the rigors of Nursing school and am able to throw my mind into the love of writing I so have---I must be ready for Edward Abbey.

Grateful For What I Have.

Today's Daily Reflections is so spot on!

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.12 & 12, p. 75

Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need also to ask for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will. Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

I am having a fabulous time in Switzerland.  It's days filled with amazing company, whole foods nourishing my body, and the scenery and air that is revitalizing my breath!  I'm hiking so much and am very active.  My body is responding hugely to this lifestyle.

In all of it, I'm very grateful.  My prayers to God are consistently of the 'thank you, thank you, thank you, God' variety.  It's a beautiful space to be in.

With that said, I am trying to not go to the place where I'm aware I don't have much of a job to come home to, my finances are just about gone, and I'm not sure what's going to happen with my roommate or my home. Do I move to San Diego?? Do I try to stay in Prescott?  Will the NCLEX people get my Able To Test code to me so I can pick my stinking test date?!?!

In all of that, I'm realizing it's ESSENTIAL I find the gratitude to stay in today, be humble, and seek the next indicated thing from my higher power.  Today, the next indicated thing is to help some kiddos with snack time, and enjoy the cool mountain air, the clouds, these Alpine peaks.

I'm doing my best to let go of my fear and to remember that Faith replaces Fear.  Thank Goodness....

I hope you all are doing well, enjoying wherever it is you are.

I finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson and HIGHLY recommend it and now, this Arizona girl is finally getting her hands on some Edward Abbey.  I've started Desert Solitaire and so far, HOOKED...

I leave you with this Edward Abbey quote, from The Journey Home:

There are some good things to be said about walking. Not many, but some. Walking takes longer, for example, than any other known form of locomotion except crawling. Thus it stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed. I have a friend who's always in a hurry; he never gets anywhere. Walking makes the world much bigger and thus more interesting. You have time to observe the details. The utopian technologists foresee a future for us in which distance is annihilated. … To be everywhere at once is to be nowhere forever, if you ask me

I think I've found a new favorite in the radical and influential Mr. Abbey.  Excited!! I hope to share more about hiking in this amazing place, and to share the experiences I've been having.  Time and a wobbly internet connection keeps me unable...For now, know I'm thankful for friendships that last, despite distance and time away.

LOVE!

instant Kaffee.

It's been quite a while since I've posted...Life has been busy and the internet connection has been hit or miss.  Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don't and when I do have it, it's on the nights I'm so tired the thought of sitting down for an email or blogpost just feels so 'that much more exhausting' that I close my computer, curl up with a book and head to sleep.

I am in heaven here.  It's so amazing and bright.  The world is alive--the rocks alive with the rush of water on them.  The flowers are so fragrant and plentiful.  The slugs and snails are everywhere (as are the flies. Pesty little buggers.)  After it rains, and the clouds part, the lines from mountain top and sky are so crisp!  It's like the peaks got a bath.

The Kaffee is as delicious as I remember it.  Now, I'm down in the efficiency apartment taking the morning to myself and having some Instant Kaffee.  It's so delicious.  Even the 'just add hot water and stir' stuff is worth mentioning.  (Though I didn't photograph it. :)

I had about 200 photos on my camera from my first few days out and about and I don't know what happened to them--they're gone.  So, I've been uploading to my computer and to picasa every few days so that doesn't happen again.  I know the memories aren't gone, but I sure do love having pictures of each day we're out and about so there is a sense of loss.  The scenery will still be here and I'm okay about the loss, however it happened.

I cleaned for Denise at Chalet Fontana Friday past and it was fun!  About an hour of work, and that was that.  She's very sweet and super flexible.

I've been reading a lot.  I finished The Red Tent by Anita Diamant and I know I read this book about eight years ago; I remember hardly anything from it so I'm thrilled I read it again.  It celebrated Womanhood, Family and Strength.  I really enjoyed it.  I started The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson a few days ago, and it's such a different style of book it's taking me a bit longer to get into it.  I think I'll enjoy it; it's just been a long time since I've read a murder-mystery style novel.  

I've been able to study some while I'm here, too.  I bought The Princeton Review's NCLEX-Review Book, thanks to my dear friend Alison's Christmas gift of the Babycakes Cookbook which I already had.  This review book is awesome.  It's like a workbook for nursing.  Fill in the blank, matching, labeling, true/false, about fifteen to twenty NCLEX-style questions for each chapter.  It's FUN.  It's fun because I'm doing well, and recalling a lot.  I feel confident when I get back to the States all will align as it needs to and I'll be able to crank out a successful NCLEX appearance.  I'm hopeful.

God's showing up amazingly here.  I've been praying morning and night on my knees and that habit has always, always, been helpful to center me to God's will for my life.  I've been continuing each Sunday to study the 11th step, and have been loving it.  I've had these amazing epiphanies and learning moments with regard to acceptance, tolerance, and love.

I miss my friends in Prescott and that amazing man in San Diego, and I think often how I'd like to share this adventure with them.  I see the mountain peaks and after an incredibly amazing hike, I cried tears of joy at my accomplishment, ability and the beauty of the world God sees fit for me to play.

Last year, I was scared here.  I didn't branch out a whole lot.  This year, it feels different.  I'm not afraid I don't know Swiss German.  I'm not afraid if my accent is terrible; I'll still say 'Greutzi' and 'Gut Morga.'  I am enjoying the people in this beautiful village and enjoying so much the gift that is this experience.

I don't know what life is going to be like when I get back to Prescott.  I think about it sometimes, and feel certain I'm going to pack my home up, move to San Diego, and begin a life with Nate.  I think about it other times, and feel panicky, scared, and totally anxious I'm going to be broke, homeless and without anything.  The vacillation of these thoughts is dizzying.

I am reminded often I am given a life to live.  My life includes a six-week adventure in a country I never anticipated going to with such bounty and blessing.  And I'm here--FOR A SECOND TIME!  I am reminded that up until this moment, I've been given all I've ever needed.  It's just so happened that it's looked how I've wanted it to, for the most part, and I've adapted pretty well.

(Or, at least that's how it looks on reflection.  I imagine I've been stubborn and resistant to most big changes in my life--why this would be any different, I'm not sure.  I pray for the Grace to show up as God needs me to show up--to honor God, be of service to other's and seek God's will.  In that way, I know I can't do wrong.)

When I come home in August, I don't know what life will look like, and that scares me.

It's not any different than my life up to this point.  I have to remind myself: enjoy what is, and get back to breathing and taking in this beautiful life.

I am blessed.

The spirituality of imperfection is such a place.

Time before time, when the world was young, two brothers shared a field and a mill.  Each night they divided evenly the grain they had ground together during the day.  Now as it happened, one of the brothers lived alone; the other had a wife and a large family.  One day, the single brother thought to himself: "It isn't really fair that we divide the grain evenly.  I have only myself to care for, but my brother has children to feed."  So each night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary to see that he was never without.

But the married brother said to himself one day, "It isn't really fair that we divide the grain evenly, because I have children to provide for me in my old age, but my brother has no one.  What will he do when he is old?"  So every night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary.  As a result, both of them always found their supply of grain mysteriously replenished each morning.

Then one night the brothers met each other halfway between their two houses, suddenly realized what has been happening, and embraced each other in love.  The story is that God witnessed their meeting and proclaimed, "This is a holy place--a place of love--and here it is that my temple shall be built."  And so it was. The holy place, where God is made known, is the place where human beings discover each other in love.



Need I say how great the book I'm reading right now is?
This story published within.

To quote Bill Wilson, "We must find some spiritual basis for living, else we die."

Hope your Monday was full of that space where love is found, where you are wholly safe and cared for.

uh oh.

I just got a new book from the library.

And, I'm so excited about it.....I'm excited to read about new theories in parenting.  Someone asked me today, 'Why are you checking out books on parenting?' I felt so empowered to realize how important and pivotal parenting is.  (Thank you, Kate, for the recommendation.  I read the table of contents and got excited!!)

I'm not a parent yet.  I hope to be sometime in the next ten years.  That would be really great...

The cool part about the life God has given me to lead right now is I get to interact with so many wonderful, inspirational, fun, joyful, intelligent, light-giving children.  In a way, the more I can learn about being the best force in these children's lives, in addition to their already awesome parents, is going to benefit us all.  Hence, the book about parenting philosophies.  And my interest in Mothering Magazine.  And my love of seeing infants born while interning at our hospital.

When I was six, I wanted to be a paleontologist.  I loved dinosaurs so much.  Then, I found out paleontology was more about research and less about actually getting to dig up dinosaurs.  So, a few years letter I discovered I wanted to be an obstetrician.  I wanted to see babies born. I wanted to facilitate this occurrence and be around pregnant women.  I wanted to learn as much as possible about pregnancy, fertilization, conception, healthy infants.  The lot.  I was probably 10 when I realized this.  I think this is an example of God working in my life---giving me huge interest in something that has stayed with me for so long.

I've been given a gift and I'm so grateful for it.

The uh oh for the title of this post comes with the fact I have two exams next week and a paper due.  New library books are not so conducive to studying, I've found.

Happy sleeps...

sleepy sunday satisfaction....

This week, after Wednesday, has just blissfully mellowed out!  Oh it has been such a treat!

I haven't blogged so much because I really haven't had a whole lot to say! It's been that kind of week.....

Really Quite Lovely.  

Thursday I spent studying and then headed to class at 1700.  Afterward, Leta was down to hang out so we headed to Raven around 2030.  Two very special women, Gwendolyn & Genai were celebrating birthdays out and about.  Leta and I were invited to dine with them, and it was delightful! Gwendolyn is a light, a beaming light of dimpled darlingness.  She is thoughtful, considerate, and kind.  Genai is a force of femininity.  She is a powerhouse of healing and joy expressed.  It was so fun to celebrate their respective birthdays!

  

After Raven, we headed to Sundance's to dance to DJ Wordthieves' Throwback Night. (He's done away with the 80's and is now playing 70's, 80's & 90's---great music! and hilarious to dance to Sublime after 13 years!!)  The dancing was so fun!  I haven't danced at Sundance's since my birthday so it felt very novel and wonderful.  

I had a nagging fear I was going to see the ex ex.  Ugh.  Frigging Fear.  I swear.  If I let the fear that wells up from my hurt ego and tries to run my life, actually run my life, I would be a blob of nothingness.  I didn't see the ex ex.  I haven't seen him for a long time!  I wish I wouldn't be so afraid of him.......Despite my fear, I still danced and had a great time! It was absolutely needed to move my body with my dear friend Leta and shake off the stress of the past few weeks!  

Friday was great.  I had Owen for a couple hours in the morning, went to a meeting, then had the Love girls for a few hours in the afternoon.  The ladies all met for dinner at Maya at 1800.  What a terrific group! Kate, Leta, Dani, Shanti, JJ & me.  It was amazing.  The food was phenomenal, as always, and the conversation was supportive, loving and laughter-filled.  After dinner, we headed to the Raven for more female fellowship, and my needs for companionship and love have been filled for the now.  

Yesterday was another notch of mellow.  I woke up and went to my favorite meeting.  It's a Friends of Lois book study.  It's not a traditional meeting, more like a group of us recovery folks getting together to talk about God, read from Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, and receive fellowship from each other.  I love this meeting! It's funny:  I don't make it but maybe twice a month, and when I do, I feel I am sustained for days.  After the meeting, I had an amazing run at the gym.  I'm running longer and faster!  It is awesome!  

After my run, I participated in more super mellow.  I finished a second book in the Mommy-Track Mystery series by Ayelet Waldman.  I think she's superb but probably won't be reading any more in this series.  It just didn't do it for me this time around.  I started, for the second time, The Mysteries of Pittsburg by Michael Chabon, and am loving it so far.  

Last night, I had Iyla, Finnley & Kira for a super fun play date.  These kiddos are so special to me, and we laughed and had such a fun time.  Kira received the book Free to Be You & Me for her birthday and before bed we spent a good while reading fun stories and singing songs from this special book.  I haven't read it before!! I say with chagrin!  What a super book!!  

I woke up this morning at 0640 too tired to get moving for the meeting at 0730 so I crawled back into bed.  I feel very flexible with myself regarding Sundays.  I'd love to wake up and go go go go go go, hit up the meeting, then church, then a workout.  At the same time, I love to slowly wake up, listen to Will Shortz the Puzzlemaster and the morning round-up of news, make a latte, and be leisurely.  More often on Sundays, I feel this leisurely being is my special spiritual practice.  It feeds me, and helps bring me into focus for the week ahead.  I am so spiritually fed by meetings and church.  I love these activities and blessed when they happen in my day!  Today, though, I'm feeling very flexible and allowing the day to unfold as it may.  

I have some chores I'd like to get done, mainly the sheets changed and laundry, then I work a few hours this afternoon with Ella & Alder.  There is such a blessing to being in school and being self-employed.  I set my own schedule and at times it can be stressful! I can go to that fear place that I won't have enough or be provided for!  I've found it essential in this self-employment journey I'm on to have faith and trust in God at the same time. I just don't even want to think about what it would be like if I didn't trust God has my best life in store.  

I have an exam on Thursday, covering cardiac content:  EKG rhythms and strips, the anatomy & physiology of the heart, signs and symptoms of the critically impaired cardiac client, and the disease processes of myocardial infarction, cardiogenic shock, cardiac tamponade, & sudden cardiac death.  I also need to know the drug classes and functions that are used to treat these conditions.  My stress level on a 10 scale?  About a 4.  (God, you are amazing.)  

I have tomorrow off.  I need to go to the Computer Lab on campus and complete the EKG rhythm review.  Then, I have the afternoon to study and get things done.  I am just absolutely adoring the mellow calm that has set in!! It is fabulous!  

Oh! One last special thing in this huge update:  It's for sure!  I am heading back to Switzerland this summer!  Details are not confirmed but it is a definite and my fear level is high high high!  (YIKES!---not about the travel or the experience, but about my living situation and financial situation; Noriko, my roommate, must find a job within 60 days of graduation due to her visa and if that doesn't happen here, she's outta here!  GASP!!  To think of living without her----eeeeeeeeeeeeek!  And, to not have the promise of a financial aid check waiting on me upon return is stressful.)  It helps for me to get my fears out there---The more I can become aware of them, the more I can accept them, and have God just take them away!  (Or at least help me see how little I can do about them right now.)  

(Isn't it funny at the beginning of this post I said I didn't really have a lot to say?)  

Hilarious, I know. 

I hope your Sunday is as special and lovely as mine is shaping to be.  

xox

milk frother!

today was an enormous day.
i bought a hand held battery operated milk frother.
i cannot WAIT for tomorrow's coffee time.

just got home from working out---i gave myself permission to take today off, laid down to read and possibly nap, and then wasn't tired anymore, so i got dressed for the gym.  had a good cardio sesh.  i feel like i took it a little bit easier today since today was an extra day. (and for the count, day seven of working out IN A ROW. yep. that's right. **high five**)

went to the market and bought some good food, but really, all i want to do is eat chocolate chip cookies with soy milk and watch Lost.  i'm only on the first season!  and it's good!!!  i just finished disc two of Season One of Mad Men, and dear goodness, i'm loving this show!  can't wait for the next disc to arrive from netflix!

wanted to post this quote, by Eric Butterworth, from his book, Spiritual Economics

The word 'affluence' is an overworked word in our time, usually implying cars and houses and baubles of all kinds.  Its literal meaning is 'free flow,' and not things at all.  When we are consciously centered in the universal flow, we experience inner direction and the unfoldment of creative activity.  Things come too, but prosperity is not just having things.  It is the consciousness that attracts the things. 

i include the quote with chagrin as i boast about my new milk frother.  :)
happy sunday!

intentional rebellion.

I've mentioned I'm reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith on loan from the library, and I'm nearly done...have about sixty more pages before I finish. The bummer is that it was due back today. Yep.  And this song cannot leave my head about me keeping the darned book until I finish it.  It's on hold by another anticipating reader, so I couldn't renew, though I did try!  Talk about motivation to finish a book!  30 cents a day until I get it back to the good ol' folks at Yavapai College Library.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Living on the edge!
Off to go read!
xox

A little hope, even hopeless hope, never hurt anybody.

I start this end of the year post with a John Steinbeck quote.  I'm on a heavy Steinbeck kick, having just finished East of Eden and adoring every amazing page...Sure, it's long, and yeah, it's heavy, but I adore this book and it quickly became my favorite, only one hundred pages in.  I've yet to finish The Winter of Our Discontent but am enjoying it quite a lot, too.  (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has interrupted my Steinbeck flow.)

Well, enough of that.  I came across the quote and thought, you know, that is one mighty way to title this end of 2009, the end of the decade that held my twenties, post.  I was thinking admiringly that 2010 marks the start of the decade that will hold my thirties, and how lucky I am to have been born in 1979, to be so privileged.  I said goodbye to my twenties in style two months ago, this very day, and welcomed the maturity and growth that those dear to me have shown with grace the thirties bring.  And, to welcome this awesome decade of life with a new decade of time, feels super special. 

I'm working tonight and MTV2 is playing MJ: Man of the Year. Two solid hours of Michael Jackson Videos. DUDE. I'm lucky.  I'm soooo lucky.  I'm lucky to be paid to have a mellow NYE.  I'm thrilled to be so so so blessed to have the life I do.  I'm paid to take care of these little kiddos, and GOSH! How cool is that??? Just blows my mind every time I think of it:  I am living this life. 

So, I'm saying goodbye to 2009.  I had such an amazing year, too.

I traveled to Seattle to visit my lovey friend, Whitney, in January.  I started my second semester of nursing school, and rocked my classes with A's.  February brought some amazing snow and some great study time.  I began feeling really comfortable with my life as a student.  In March, I visited my parents in Hawai'i, and had a splendid time doing it up on Waikiki Beach.

April was huge for me--saying goodbye to a pretty major relationship with the help of M. Ward, and getting invited to work in Switzerland.  May started the Summer of the Dance.  And, a lot of hard work to save for my Switzerland trip, which was a blessing in itself. I also hit a huge milestone with my recovery mid-May, and I feel strongly this is when my life truly started to change.  June 2009 was chilly.  I remember being so excited when the warmth started coming and the heat heat heat couldn't get deep enough into my bones!  Lots of dancing--discovered the Right On 80's Dance Party at Sundance's with some sweet awesome Lady Friends.  Leta helped me discover I can move my body in a whole new way, and in so doing, I've discovered so much about my physical self.  Becky helped me define healthy relationships by being the ultimate Safe Buddy.

July was amazing.  I got to go camping with some right on women in Beaver Creek and play in the amazing Arizona Summer water.  I was also thrown a Surprise Party for being me. Yep.  I'm still in Shock and Awe that a party was thrown FOR ME because I'M ME.  WHOA!!!  Blown away.....I was gifted money and cards and flowers and a vegan buffet and so many hugs and loves.  A super special moment in my life.  August held the coolest thing I've done so far in my life--I traveled to Murren, Switzerland to work for three weeks with a super amazing very special family.  I traveled Phoenix to Newark, Newark to Geneva, got on a train and trained through Switzerland to Lauterbrunnen where I then got  on some mind-blowing cable cars.  I arrived in the Swiss Alps in a village called Murren, greeted by JJ, Sidney and Owen.  True to form, Sidney was covered in face paint.  A warm, colorful welcome.  I don't know if I will ever be able to articulate well enough the HUGENESS that was my Switzerland trip (dude---Thriller just started....)  I think it fitting I try explaining Switzerland with a Steinbeck quote from East of Eden:

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then—the glory—so that a cricket song sweetens the ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished…"

 I started September fresh from the Swiss Air, and a feeling of calm was in my core.  I don't know how else to describe it but I began my third semester of nursing school a week behind every one else, and maybe it was all that Swiss chocolate I ate, or the fifteen pounds I loss in the process, but I didn't have stress.  I began stressing out due to my lack of stress.  School was amazing.  I got to see my first birth September 9, 2009 in the hospital and I got to meet someone I dreamed about in Switzerland in person September 26, 2009.  I started a relationship in September with this cute fella and feel so blessed by his presence in my life. 

Oh, October, I love you so.  Not only are you my birth month, but you mark the coming of fall in this amazing place I live.  October was great.  School was busy and fun.  I experienced my first home birth thanks to an amazing woman, Sarah, allowing me to be apart of her son Cade's entry to this world.   I turned 30 the last day of October, 2009.  November brought lots of school and still little stress, thank you, God!, and more wonder with this new relationship.  Thanksgiving was a super treat--I love being with my family and recovery has truly allowed me to strengthen the relationship I have with my mom.  And now, December.  I'm done with you, which is good.  That sweet relationship I spoke of ended on the 12th, and I'm just okay with that, now.  I'm done being sad over it, though there are still moments where I shake my fist at God and wonder WHY??!?!?!?.  I know, though, that I am taken care of so completely by my Higher Power, and I'm not in charge of the outcome of my life.  I'm just in charge of showing up to the best of my ability today and I have faith I can give God the big picture of my life, by so doing I'm able to trust God and practice my faith.

Gosh.  It's been a super duper year.  I am so blessed.

I have so much hope for the year ahead, too.  I'm hopeful for my education.  I'm hopeful for my relationships.  I'm hopeful to expand further in my conscious contact with my Higher Power.  I sit here, sleepy and with an ear to what could be little girl's needing my attention tonight, grateful.  I am just so blessed, and glad I have hope.

Come on, Twenty Ten! Let's do this thing!

Books Books Books....I Can't Stop!!!

Blubber by Judy Blume

After moving, Macallie was 'in charge' of unpacking my book shelf. I had no idea how anal or controlling I was about how my book shelf looked!! He did it all wrong!! At the same time, I was given an assignment to let Macallie decorate the house as he sees fit and not try to control his way of doing things. Okay. Fine.

The book shelf has stayed the same way since April 3rd. I am grateful he had the time to unpack my books, as with school I did not. I am grateful for him in my life. In so many fabulous and surprising ways. I am going to marry him and I feel very happy about this knowledge and awareness of his role in my life, my role in his.

So...why Blubber?

Well....the way he unpacked my books brought this book to the forefront, and I remember really liking it when I was 8 or 9. So, a quick re-read.

And,

It's a perfect book for fifth graders.

28-year-old sixteenth graders?

Well...

Let's see...

Do I act out of fear to save myself, or at least my perception of myself? Do I judge others based on appearance? Do I want everyone to like me and not make fun of me? Do I act self-centeredly to prevent any feeling of discomfort or inadequacy?

And the answer? Yes. I do those things. Just like the ten-year old fifth graders in the story.

I guess I didn't realize the higher points of the story until right now, and I'm really glad I read it again. I believe God puts the right books in my life at the right time, and God also provides the time for me to read these books.

I am so grateful.

happy summer day....

It's Summer Time...yet more books...

Twilight

by 

Stephenie Meyer

I was recommended this book by one of my families.  The mom asked if I liked romance novels.

"Um....not really..." I said.

Thinking she was referring to Danielle Steele or Nora Roberts, something from the 'Most Popular' section of Costco's discount book rack.  

Then, she showed me the cover of the book.  

Definitely intrigued.  

She said this much about it, "It's a teen love story about vampires."

Okay.  I'm in.  

I have just bought into the biggest teen sensation...I at first felt agasp!! How did I not know about this book? And they're even making a movie of it?? (Google is sooooooo helpful!)

I did acknowledge that in most parts popular culture I am not as up to speed as I once was.  Eliminate cable television from one's life, and BAM!  Ignorance does become bliss...

So...

back to the book. 

Bought it on Tuesday night. Finished it begrudgingly Friday night. (Finishing it was definitely more 'okay' knowing it was a series and I could quickly run to Barnes & Noble or amazon.com to get the next in the four-book series.)

A few things:

1)  It's a teen love story.  I was waiting for the boinking, the bumping, the humping...it was so suspenseful and anticipatory!!  Where was the get-it-on action??  It wasn't there. I had to remind myself this PG-rated story is going to give me just kisses...sweet, lovely kisses.  I also was ovulating during the reading of the great story, so my desire for fuzzy bumping was probably due to my own hormonal surge...(just a thought...)

2) It's a pretty mild vampire story.  Not once was there mention of fangs...

3) A FAST FAST FAST EASY READ.  I was hooked by the first page and totally into it.  I couldn't put it down...And when I wasn't reading it, I was thinking of it...It was a movie playing in my head and I'd read well into the one a.m. hour each night.  

4) At the end, I couldn't tolerate the "I can't live without you, Edward." talk.  It was nauseating.  My own codependence was barfing at the seventeen year old girl falling so hard for her vampire boyfriend.  Blech.  

5) That last blurp is pretty harsh....it is a teen love story...I fell PRETTY HARD for my first love.  MW are you out there??!?  Imagine if he were a vampire!

Those are my thoughts about this great read.  I am definitely going to finish the others in the series.  They're far too intriguing to not buy into...And, well, if I can attempt to be up to speed with popular culture, I'll take it!  

Other summer reads I'm excited about:

Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

Blubber by Judy Blume (a reread)

The Cider House Rules by John Irving (again, a reread)

Any other ideas about great summer reads?? Let me know...I'd be happy for the suggestions!

Lovely love, 

L

If I Could Read All The Books in the World...

I used to impersonate Reading Rainbow when I was a kid...I would sit in front of the mirror and do book reports of the most recent chapter book I read. I was so proud! Reading was so much fun and I loved Lavar Burton and that fun show on PBS...all about reading!!

In about 2000, I challenged myself, since I was no longer in academia, to read. Read as much as school would charge you to read.

It didn't work. I read...but not near enough. I always feel I'm not reading enough. (Perfectionism much?!?)

But...what did work is I have kept a detailed log of the books I've read since 2000...And, I love doing it. I love looking back on my log and seeing all the stories that have thrilled me for a near decade!!


Now, I have a new venue for writing my book reports...
(it should also be noted that since our move in April, I can't find the most awesome journal I had been using for this endeavor! and it feels really awkward to finish a book and NOT write about it...)

So, I start:

Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year
by
Anne Lamott


Mind Blowing. If I owned this copy it would highlighted and dog-eared. Instead, I have to return it to Leta in quality condition...So, my journal is filled with quotes and my mind hearing Ms. Lamott's wisdom. Exceptional writing--really reads as a journal...the Prologue her complete uncertainty and confusion if having a baby is 'right' but she is told as well as once can by God that this baby is hers to have. I love Lamott's complete devotion and unbelievable struggle to trust God all in the same breath. Knowing what I do now of recovery and possibility and trust in God myself was so reaffirmed by reading this book. Also, even tho' I'm not a mother, doing what I do for work is very very close...I loved her frustration and love...these simultaneous emotions, these god-awful confusing feelings that consume her role as new mother.

I think Lamott is a writer anyone interested in spirituality should read. Her writing is honest and surprising. I specifically love the distaste she has for the First President Bush and how this book was written nearly 20 years ago...yet now, there is such a similar political climate. Powerful reading...motivating to change lives...motivating to be a parent with complete trust in God...trusting in God seems to be the only tool I will consistently need for my own children.

Anne Lamott rules.