the couple that blazes together...

...stays together.

And, in the reverse, the couple that chooses different paths will usually break up.
Three years ago I was engaged to a very darling man boy guy.
We chose October 10, 2010 to be our wedding day.
Then, things shifted, and transitioned, and September 2008 we broke up, to really go our separate ways May 2009.

When I think of him, I think of what a gift making amends will be.  I think of forgiveness, possibility, and true release.  I'd like to say so many things to him.  Mostly, "when I think of you, it is with a full heart, with contrition, and I'm sorry for how I behaved.  I believed in our love, and then I just stopped believing in us, and I was wrong in a lot of ways."

Today's been a funky day, mostly because I'm transitioning from working nights to living in the daytime, and my sleep has been fitful with unrest.  This day has come up on me quickly, and I am happy to let it go.  Life changes, and I don't want to say anything other than I honor this day--for what it could have been, for what it is, and for all the goodness that surrounds growth and change.  

Sun.Day.

Today has begun with Things I Love.

1. waking to the sun
2. watching the sun rise
3. coffee
4. another coffee
5. happy babies
6. toast with earth balance, peanut butter, raspberry jam and ground flax
7. lots of glasses of water
8. being healthy 
9. taking my vitamins
10. prayers
11. reliving dreams in my mind while little bodies eat cereal and make funny faces at me across the table
12. being well rested
13. little plans and designs
14. turning 'them' over
15. trusting NCLEX will be just what it needs to be
16. wishing i could have a morning with my mom 
17. thinking about half-marathon runners
18. curious what i need to do to get the scale to go below 167.4
19. contemplating another coffee but knowing that would probably be a bad idea
20. looking over and seeing a brown-eyed sweet four year old roll her banana in her hands like it's a play-doh snake
21. wishing my hair would curl at the ends like the sweet almost-three year old sitting next to me
22. contemplating bangs and a bob
23. gratitude
24. faith
25. sunshine

Happy Sunday.

..in.the.moment..

What a week!!
Holy Moly!!

I try to reflect on what I was doing this time a week ago, and I literally have to open my planner to remember.  It's been sooo long since a week ago Saturday.

I will fill you in on what I can remember---I had an overnight shift with a little girl I haven't taken care of since June, and it was so fun.  We played hard, we enjoyed each other's company and she was on board to go with me to my sweet friend Beth's daughter's baptism.  It was a special day on Sunday, and I was thrilled to be part--even if we couldn't stay the entire time.  Beth is an awesome Mom and her little babe is a joyjoyjoy.  The entire time she was up near the alter she was smiling.  It was a sweet day.

My little charge and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns.  It was a fun movie!!  I can't find anywhere the lessons Nanny McPhee imparts on the family she is with, but when I can find it, you'll see it in a post, for sure!    Sunday night, I had the privilege of my darling friend Becky's company for a two hour walkabout our little town's square, and then an hour more of sitting and chatting.  We were in desperate need of a catch-up!

Monday I spent studying and practicing yoga in the evening after a delicious dinner with a sweet friend, Jen.  She is very talented, and I posted earlier this week a video they just created for their song. I am so proud of my friends!!  There is a new yoga studio in town, it opened last week (when I get the webpage link I will post it!) and all this week they've offered classes for Donation.  So, I had the yummy privilege of practicing yoga in a classroom setting, instead of in my living room in front of the television.  The studio is offering Hot Yoga Vinyasa and some 12 Step Yoga classes, and so far, I'm hooked!!  I really enjoyed where my yoga practice took me this week.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were heavy work days--averaging nine hours each day.  IKES!  Tuesday night was a treat, though, and I was taken out on a date.  I think this *ahem* male friend is very super duper, and we had a great night.  Not at all what I expected to have happen this week, and really the definition of a treat! Oh! And Tuesday I found out what my schedule will look like at the new job and it will be DAYTIME (yessssssssss!) and three 12-hours shifts in a row: Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  Long days, and I'll be tired, but I'm so thrilled I won't be working nights!!  And, I'm overwhelmingly excited to begin working as a nurse.  By the time I start on the unit, it will be SIX MONTHS since I've done any nursing care, and I am readyready to get back at it!

On Wednesday and Thursday I got to spend some time with my friend Dani, and that was wonderful.  She's doing well, and I enjoy the company she offers and the time I get to spend with her children.

And, then, well, then there was yesterday.  Fuhhhhreaky Friday.

I went to Human Resources for my new company and signed my Offer Letter.  I filled out reference check information, employment screening information, all that good stuff.  I found out officially that if I don't pass NCLEX, I will not be working this job.  (I sort of knew this already, but I enjoy knowing things with certainty and now, now I know).  I found out some of the benefit package details, as well, and am overwhelmed with what I have been calling, until yesterday, my grown-up job.  I am excited!  There are things that come with this nursing position I've never had as an employee:  insurance!, paid time off!, vacation pay!, life insurance!, overtime!  These things equal a grown-up job.  Or, at least they did until I had a most welcome and severely humbling conversation yesterday.

Here's the lesson I am learning:  a deeper understanding of Step 3.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

So, I have a new Employer.  And this previous idea of grown-up job is completely FALSE.  For the past three years, I've been exclusively working as a nanny.  I've been able to earn enough money to live a full and rewarding life.  I've supported myself while I've been in school, and what a gift I've been able to care for children, and be of ultimate assistance to families in my community.  I heard yesterday: a grown up job is something you would do for free or for fun.  I would (and do!) my job for free and for fun!

Now, I'm employed as a Nurse and am working in a profession where compensation and a benefit package are par for my course.  Would I do nursing for free and for fun?? YES!  (Mind you, I have for the past two years during clinical experience in the various hospitals in my town).

The blessing of the lesson I'm learning is that God is my Employer.  God "provides what I need when I keep close to him and perform his work well."  I believe this fully!  I want to see what I can contribute fully to this life!  Regardless of what my benefit package is.  More on this lesson, I'm sure, but I am blown away by this awareness, and excited to stop devaluing myself for only working in childcare these past three years.  What an honor to care for other's children, to do a great job at it, and to be reminded whatever work I do, I get to do it for God.  Every bit of it.  Nursing, childcare, the dishes, all of it.  For God.

So, that was my morning lesson yesterday.  I went to a local coffee shop and participated in the Eckhart Tolle book study, went to leave, and couldn't find my keys.  Um.  I don't lose my keys.  I looked everywhere.  I went up and down the block, asked every business to see if someone had turned in my keys, I phoned my roadside assistance, and a locksmith was en route to open my car to hopefully find my keys--maybe they're in my car?? Tow truck comes, unlocks my car, keys are not in it. So, roadside assistance offers I get another tow truck to come, tow me to Prescott Honda, and I paid $109 for a new key.  Yep.  One hundred nine dollars.  for a key.  


I was a blob of buzzed out mess--after my morning of discovery regarding employment and worth, I lost my keys.  I had to pay money that was allotted for other things (oh well!) and thank goodness my roommate was kind enough to make a copy of his house key and bring it to me while I sat in the showroom of Prescott Honda and studied for NCLEX, waiting for my new key to be programmed.  


Holy Moly, Freaky Friday!

The entire day I had planned blew up to be not that at all when I couldn't find my keys to leave Cuppers.  What does all this mean?  Do I need to slow down?  Do I need not be on the phone talking about worth, employment and God while driving?  um....probably.

Last night, I treated myself to quiet.  Much needed and enjoyed quiet.  I watched Greenberg, which I don't recommend. And I watched A Single Man, which I HIGHLY recommend.  A movie night? With NCLEX looming in just six days?  Yep!  I neeeeeded it.

Today has been fabulously calm.  I woke well rested and caught up on some business I unfortunately neglected with my long hours this week.  I went to the farmer's market and got yummy eggplant and kale from Whipstone Farm, and some amazing vegan tamales.  I have another overnight shift tonight with four kiddos.  Whoa.  Grateful, and looking forward to earning enough tonight to pay for the week ahead.  And, study study study.

Gosh, what a week!  I'm ripe with awareness and learning, and feeling surprisingly calm about Thursday.  My job and my profession are contingent on Thursday morning at 8am and I am calm.  Thank you, God.

I hope this week ahead can continue with calm, and I don't lose any more things of value....Especially my serenity.  Most importantly, my serenity.

Happy Saturday!

Reminder from God (v.2)

Today's Reminder from God is awesome given last night's events.
I'm tired, and wow-ed!  And, yet, totally calm, too.
That feels lovely.

Nothing is by chance. No detail is forgotten in My Plans for you. 

I don't know that I'll disclose much but just wanted to put out there the beauty that nothing is by chance. 

On a blog note:  when I view this blog, the header is no longer clear and crisp; it's blurry.  Is it blurry for you, too?
Thanks for the input, and Have a super Wednesday!
No Detail is Forgotten...

sleepin in.

I haven't slept in this late in a long time.  It feels awesome!! I've been pushing the Layla envelope with three!  (yes three!) nights in a row going to bed after midnight! (ack!) Today, I woke so so so so tired.  I've been given an assignment in my step work that is very pivotal and this week has been so busy (there's a lesson; I'm going to get to it)!  Every time I started writing for my assignment, something would come up, or I couldn't see the exact harm I've caused...I was getting frustrated, and ended up canceling my appointment to go over the list.  I need more time.

I was flexible with myself this morning, too.  Being so tired, and only functioning on six hours of sleep did not sound like a super way to start my day--even though Saturdays are my favorites.  In the four weeks I've been home, I've begun this darling Saturday routine:  up at 0700, Kundalini yoga, quick breakfast, 0845 book study and coffee meeting, 1030 meeting, home around noon feeling rejuvenated and serene.

Well, today, I crawled out of bed at 0950!  WOWZA!  I didn't go to my meetings, I didn't yoga.  I've been super flexible with myself this week around activity.  I was on a roll before this week began:  hiking, yoga-ing, doing something every day...Then, I just paused for this week.  It seemed too overwhelming with all I have going on.

So, as far as my lesson for the week, here goes.  (I haven't gotten to the lesson learned part; I'm still in the discomfort of awareness).  I've set my date for NCLEX.  September 23.  That's in THIRTEEN days.  I took advice from those near to me and scheduled studying time EACH day this week..Starting with Monday.  On Monday, it didn't work.  The program Noriko lent me to use for practice questions wasn't loading and I got frustrated.  I did end up doing 180 practice questions, and that was a super starting point.  But, unfortunately, aside from a half hour of Princeton Review work booking on Thursday, that's all. I've. done. 

My discomfort lies in letting other things be more important than this study time.  More important than me working my 8th step.  More important than getting enough rest each night.  It feels like procrastination disguised by my being too busy.  I'm putting things in front of studying and working my steps.

It's uncomfortable.  And, I'm so so so grateful for the awareness.  This morning, I've made a delicious breakfast, coffee, and am listening to Wait Wait.  I am catching up the blog world with my lessons.  I work a 24-hour shift beginning at 1700 tonight, and have a busy day planned with my little kiddo tomorrow.  The good news?  It's only 1100 and I have six hours to focus on NCLEX.  (My goal for today is a solid three hours of studying).  I look forward to sitting in awareness around this lesson of putting myself first and transitioning into acceptance.

A fun note: I was flirted with last night by a man I find totally sweet, intelligent and kind.  It was very exciting and fun and we made plans for Tuesday night. Hmmmm....So didn't see that coming.

An awesome God note: my darling friend is out of surgery, her discharge papers are signed and we had an awesome conversation this morning.  Her voice doesn't sound groggy at all; she sounds great.  She will be home this afternoon, and I'll get to see her tomorrow.  God is so great!  (Thank you for answering prayers, and allowing my darling friend to be safe, without complication, and hopeful!)

A body note:  I plan to do a whole blog about this because it's totally weirding me out but I'm in size 12 pants--like, totally in a size 12.  I weigh 165 pounds.  I haven't been this little since 2002.  (little:  re: still overweight as BMI standards go, and I still feel I could lose another 20 pounds!)  The future blog will be about how I thought it was going to feel, because it is surprising and weird, and I don't trust it, and I really thought fitting into those GAP size 12's and American Eagle size 12's I've kept for EIGHT YEARS would be more monumental than it was yesterday when I pulled them on and they were kind of loose.

A work note:  I'm so excited about my new job, and didn't ask what would happen if I don't pass NCLEX--it is in the back of my mind.  What if I don't pass??  I have a list of questions to ask the Director of Nursing next week, and will hopefully get more of an idea of what life working as Registered Nurse will be like. As far as childcare goes, I'm blown away at God providing so hugely for me right now.  I am working lots, and having fun, and enjoying the kiddos with whom I keep company.  I am so blessed!!  

I hope this day is treating you well.  It's a big day for American history--nine years ago today.  I think it's important to live life to the fullest on this day--heck! I think that of every day, but especially today.  There seems something  powerful about enjoying the freedoms of this American life and celebrating them.  For me, celebrating the joy of American life is the best way I can acknowledge the awful of September 11.

My Prayer for You.

Right now, you are in for surgery.
I am scared, and sad, and friggin' pissed off this is happening to you.
In that breath, I love you and I love the universe that created our lives side by side one another's.
I trust in God.
I trust in whatever this is, this Crappy McCrapperston that is in your body, that there is a bigger purpose, that you will be strong enough, that well, shoot...I don't even know what to trust in because it's in you but the good news is I trust you.
I pray the surgeon is guided with knowledge, intuition and ability to rid your body of those bad cells.
I pray the nurses you encounter treat you with shining love, concern and beyond-competent nursing care.
I pray your body will flourish with strength to heal post surgery.
I pray your heart will be rampant with courage and trust.
I pray your friends will be exactly what you need.
I pray your children will be surrounded with laughter and love during this time, so your heart and mind won't worry about them--any more than you already will, I'm sure.
I pray your husband will be exactly the support you need and his own concern will be assuaged.
I pray for you, friend. In that breath I surround your name with
Courage.
Strength.
Love.
Light.
Healing.
Strength.
Strength.
Strength.
You live an authentic life full of passion, joy, and sweet giving.  It is such an honor to know you, to be around your amazing children, and to see you glow during this time, and each of the moments that have comprised the past three years I've known you.
Thank you for illuminating Grace.
I pray for your recovery and your increased trust in the physician's supervising your Cure.
I pray for you.

I love you and can't wait to hug you on Sunday.

thoughtmusic. (v.2)

I was listening to a cd mix from last year and this song came on:


I was singing along loudly and thinking what an AMAZING break-up song this is.  (This video is pretty spectacular as well!) While singing along I was thinking of other super awesome break-up songs--not to be sad or invoke any thoughts (regarding my recent break-up) because, really, that's not what this post is about--more just an appreciate for really super music!

This song is Gloria Gaynor at her finest but when performed by Cake--It just invokes serious survival skills.


I adore Jenny Lewis--in whatever form she takes: solo artist, lead of Rilo Kiley, love interest to Fred Savage in The Wizard!.  Seriously, she's a gem.  Especially when singing this song:


Now, for a gem of sad goodness.  This song breaks my heart every time I hear it because I can hear the emotion, I can feel the emotion Tori Amos puts into it....I have felt this heartbreak.


And, the grand finally of Break-Up gems---at least now, when I think of all the joy that can come from a break-up---it's dancing like this, with the sentiment of knowing the dude is missing out. Totally. Missing. Out.


What are your favorite break-up songs?

sweet.

From today's Reminder from God:

Be calm, assured, at rest. 

I love you.

I find a great comfort in hearing God say these words to me right now.  Paternal, loving, and kind, and most of all, welcome to my ears in this moment.

the first woman.

Did you know according to Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman? Or, am I just trusting in silly wikipedia to give me information that isn't true??  Either way, this wiki article is a good read, and today my Pandora radio stations (Bruce Springsteen, Arcade Fire, and Tallest Man on Earth via Quick Mix) have given me some DELICIOUS gems.

Enjoy!







Yay Music!!

things i love.

Happy September Everyone!
I'm overcome with love this morning---

I love

1. coffee
2. serendipity
3. green leaves 
4. Morning Edition on npr
5. Sonja
6. a freshly made bed with clean sheets
7. successful list making (it's successful when things get crossed off!)
8. blogs
9. children
10. iTunes Genius
11. Gorilla vs Bear
12. XMU on Sirius Radio
13. being part of a community
14. being a good friend
15. having good friends
16. having enough
17. loving God
18. not knowing how to answer the question, "Layla, where do you go to church?"
19. physical activity
20. not stressing out if I don't get to work out today.  well, not totally stressing out
21. applying for jobs
22. envisioning my future
23. feeling a deep and sweet love for myself
24. learning all about cancer so my knowledge can be power. 
25. turning over cancer to God
26. trying not to hate cancer, even though sometimes I really do, and really, cancer is just cells gone a little wayward.  I can appreciate waywardness---I just don't appreciate waywardness in the lives of women I love. 
27. dancing
28. yoga
29. Switzerland
30. Hawai'i
31. my mom
32. Prescott, Arizona

What do you love?  

Gleed out.

I cried from joy at this 2010 Emmy Opening.
There is just something so truly GLEEFUL about singing and dancing and Tina Fey and Jon Hamm and Jimmy Fallon and Betty White! and the Glee Cast and well, even though I don't have television I sure do love youtube for giving me all things Glee.

Happy Monday!

proof God loves me.

Rolling Stone sends me emails with images.
This one was greeting me this afternoon.

Oooooohhhh, Bruce.
I love you so.

Three tomatoes are walking along...

You know the joke, right?  From Pulp Fiction?  The baby tomato is being quite slow, following along behind his Mama and Papa tomato and the Papa tomato squishes baby tomato and says, 'Ketch Up!'

Well, this is a Catch Up Post.

I've been back in the USA nearly three weeks.  So much has happened in that time!  I didn't feel fit to write about all that has occurred until, weirdly, I caught up on the blogs I read.  When I set my mind to something, well, sometimes I can be quite inflexible!  So, I slowly began my blogroll of reads...and let me tell you!  I sure do love the blog world!  One blog I follow, Ms. Sheryl at BitchCakes has achieved her weight loss goal and her subsequent posts have been fabulously positive and inspiring!  Another friend, Danielle at SometimesSweet, is progressing beautifully with life, baby in utero, and home buying! Angela, at Scatter Sunshine,  has been posting some really fun faith posts and intriguing-get-my-mind-rolling goodness that has been fun to keep up with this summer.  And, finally, I posted yesterday how my favorite music blogs are keeping me excited and up to date with all things Indie & College Rock.  It's been fun catching up with the blog world.

My turn, now, I guess.

I will save this for a future 'Ode to Switzerland' post but before I left JJ had mentioned that coming home was harder jet lag to handle than arriving to Switzerland.  That wasn't my experience last year so I couldn't agree, but this year, this year, I agree..  Jet lag was intense.  Reverse Culture shock was intense.  More on this later...  I was in a plane for 15 hours, and awake for 29 (minus the five hours I slept on planes two and three, total.)  I will say in gratitude:  The long flight, London to Chicago, I was upgraded to Business Class, and YESSSSSSSSS!  Soooo roomy and lovely; it was a treat!

I arrived to San Diego with Nate as my hero---he carried my luggage, brought me flowers (I LOVE FLOWERS!) and told me I didn't have to 'be' anything to anyone.  Such a relief.  Life in San Diego is fun, and we ate delicious Thai food at 11p and with a full belly I crawled to his home, showered, and tried to sleep.

Nate and I planned a pretty epic road trip upon my arrival to San Diego with one day for us to get things together, and for me to rest.  In hindsight, was that the best idea?  Probably not.  But as my recovery, my faith, and my reliance on a power greater than myself have taught me there are no mistakes in God's world.  So, Thursday, we left for San Luis Obispo.

When did my wrinkles happen?? I am a wrinkle face!  

God is awesome, and Noriko, my darling roommate, moved out of our shared home on Aug 4--that very day, instead of flying to Chicago, she flew to SANTA ANA! to see a mutual instructor of ours.  Do you know what that means??? Goodness, of course!  Serendipity!  Santa Ana is on the way to San Luis Obispo from San Diego, dontchaknow, and Nate was willing for us to take a quick hour detour so I could have a sweet visit with my darling friend. 

I am blessed to have such sweet companionship in Noriko. 

We arrived in San Luis Obispo with a few bumps along the way.  It was during this drive I began to feel something.  I called it Jet Lag until a few days ago.  I was craving alone time, and didn't know how to get it.  I was craving home, and was surprised I wasn't feeling at home with Nate, with all the travel we had planned. I wasn't acting my best self.  

Nate is a darling road companion. 

From San Luis Obispo we drove to Mount Shasta and scored an ULTIMATE camping spot at Castle Crags State Park.  We were right on the Sacramento River---it was cooooollldddd water and quite refreshing for an early morning soak!  

Refreshing Gurgling Sweet River Water

This was my first time camping in 'Bear Country!'  We had a 'bear locker' at our spot to lock our food in and we didn't see any bears.  It was kind of fun to be in such a special place, where bears hang out too.  

For dinner, we made Macro Platters and this was my first time having Sriracha in six weeks!  YUM!  (please note the oscillating fan hair look!!! I sure love my long hair but abhor having it on my neck when I'm hot!! Hence the monstrosity of a bun I sometimes sport).  

My favorite picture of Nate from the whole ten days we were together.  His smile melts me.  

From Mt. Shasta we drove to Bend, Oregon to visit some dear friends of mine, Amber, Jared and their son, Logan. 

My first time in Oregon!  I had to stop for the photo op despite having a bit of a headache (hence the crummy face. The Sun was bright!)  

In Bend, we had dinner at Deschutes Brewery and this was a tasty Mirror Pond Pale Ale.  And, 5dl of beer was a lot for a girl used to light lagers mixed with 7up all summer....Oh yummy Panache, I miss you so!

Nate and me enjoying the fun and friendship of Deschutes!

Me and Amber, darling friend!

In Bend, things took quite the turn.  I will not go into details as they're too private for blogworld but I will say I learned so much this Saturday August 7.  I learned about myself.  I learned about Nate.  I learned what I'm capable of, and what I no longer find works for me.  I thought I already knew these things, but putting them into practice proved difficult with what I had stacked up against me:  fatigue, jet lag, beer, needing alone time and not knowing how to get it.  

I don't wish to take back what happened this night because I'm reminded there are no mistakes in God's world.  I do wish to act in forgiveness of myself, truly love myself, and ponder and reflect on how my actions affect others.  No matter my excuse--the perfect storm of circumstances leading up to crummy behavior--my behavior happened, and it affected my relationship with Nate.  I woke up Sunday hungover from behavior.  I was weak with regret and guilt and it wasn't until I found some alone time in the shape of a tearful and warm shower, I was able to get on my knees, seek forgiveness from One Greater than Me, and move forward.  

And move forward we did, Nate and me.  It was tentative and slow.  We were both hurting and hesitant what the next step of our long distance romance would be.  (I shouldn't say 'we' as I don't speak for Nate, but those were the feelings I had).  Sunday we drove to Breitenbush Hot Springs Resort and it is here I REQUIRE YOU TO MAKE YOUR NEXT TRIP TO THIS HEALING SPACE!!  

We spent three days, two nights, at Breitenbush, and it was so magical.  I had that desired and sought after alone time with my journal, I soaked in healing, warm mineral water, and washed my body in an outside shower next to the flowing Breitenbush River.  I began the loving and powerful process of forgiving myself.  And it was here, Tuesday August 10, Nate and I decided to no longer be a Romantic Couple.  Is Breitenbush the type of place I expected to break up with Nate? Ohmyword, NO!!  The day previous we saw a couple get married!  It is a loving and sacred place, and I guess that is why I find it so fitting we did break up there.  Because, remember, there are no mistakes in God's world.   

What a gift--we were grown-ups!  We talked it through.  We expressed our hurts, our tears, our feelings, and our love for each other.  We decided it was no longer going to work for us and for each of us, that meant hurting a little bit now, so we don't hurt ourselves or each other more in the future.  

Hindsight.  That beautiful word.  Dictionary.com tells me it's the "recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence." Yep.  I agree.  I am aware of the reality of what a hefty road trip can do for a relationship after such a long time apart.  I see the possibility of doing things differently now but am without that ability as Nate and I are now toeing the line of 'just being friends.'  I am grateful for reflection and the ability to learn from my relationships.  

The social psychologist George Herbert Mead coined the term significant other to indicate the one who signifies or reflects back to us the meanings of our gestures and, in so doing, develops with us our ability to act meaningfully with others.  (quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz & Ketcham). I find this to be absolutely true as I ponder and reflect my time with Nate.  A sweet gift and blessing he was as a significant other.  

Leaving Breitenbush Tuesday August 10 with a car packed full of gear, heading toward Chico for a few more days
together.  This is our last picture together.  

We spent two nights in Chico, California on our way back to Prescott.  Nate is a gracious, generous man, and was on board to continue our trip as planned despite our decision to no longer be Romancers.  We eliminated Yosemite from the trip, and decided after Chico to head straight to Prescott.  

I don't have any pictures on my camera after this point.  I must have just mentally stopped needing the desire for future memories and have my mind's camera to refer.  We had a great time in Chico, where Nate is from.  We went to his favorite park growing up, enjoyed a Sampler at Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, and I continued to enjoy Nate's great company.  

I am so blessed to have gotten to know this man.  He is super great!  And, what a gift of five months we had together, working at a long distance relationship.  He was by my side during what felt like a really difficult task--finishing and graduating Nursing School.  He is a great friend, and I feel blessed I didn't put the pressure on this relationship to be the one, even though there are so many characteristics in Nate that 'could be.'  I'm grateful I wasn't dependent on the outcome of Nate and me.  I was dependent on the moments of Nate and me, and that is God doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  

It was a 15 hour drive Chico, California to Prescott, Arizona, and we made it alive, peaceful, and still with respect for one another.  (Again, I won't speak for Nate, but I will say, I sure do respect and love him).  We decided to hit up one more Brewery, for posterity's sake, the place where Nate and I met, nine plus years ago.  After a disgustingly overpriced salad and Nate's indulgence of a super yummy IPA we hit up Annie's Attic for some dancing, and that is when the feeling of returning home hit me hard.  

I am home.  

I was welcomed home with big hugs from my darling friends, Gwendolyn and Leta.  

Leta, me, Gwendolyn before I left for Switzerland, June 2010

It was in dancing with Nate I got sad about our relationship ending.  Oh, boy! how much I want a partner that enjoys dancing and moving his body!!  Sadness aside, we danced for a while and then headed to my home. 

I walked in and was awash with stagnant air, a Sonja kitty that had lost a few pounds, and sweet Noriko's energy palpably gone.  

I began panicking and sobbing in a way I hadn't done for a couple years.  Again, Nate showed his strength as a pretty stand-up guy.  He held my hand, gave me hugs, and told me those words that help so much from a friend, "You're going to be okay."  

Eight weeks away from home is a long time.  

This post has turned so long, and so reflective!!  I had no idea I had all this in me to get out---Well, maybe I did, and that's why I've been sitting on it, not wanting to write it!  I will end here, though, and catch up with what life has been like now that I'm home.  

Thanks for all the love while I've been away.  It's been such a journey!  

And, I remind myself, there are no mistakes in God's world! 

fundamentals.

Soon, Nate.  Soon.
Like, tomorrow, soon.....
I'm excited!

Beach time in La Jolla, I get to meet your Mom time in San Luis Obispo, Camping in Mt. Shasta, Sweet Amber, Jared & Logan time in Bend, Oregon, Breitenbush for three incredible days and two gorgeous camping side by side nights, Chico for some Nate as a Youngster time, Yosemite for my first time, and then Home to Prescott.

I look forward with excitement and anticipation to this leg of my journey, to the fundamentals we get to learn about each other and where our relationship is going.

Home is wherever I'm with You.

Honor.

You died two years ago, this date.  It was a Wednesday.  I knew when I left you on Tuesday, I was saying goodbye for the last time.  I hope you're well and flying free without pain.  I hope you are soaring among the sounds of music and laughter.

I miss you.
I am grateful you were my Gramms.

My Gramma and Me, November 1979.  

breathing. in. and. out.

Words for today:

it's not about what another person does, or why he does it.  it's about learning about myself and knocking down my walls.  along the way, i hope to treat others with love, kindness, and tolerance.  

I'm going through a little growth spurt.  It's a little achy but other than the aches, I feel confident all will work out as needs to.  I am well loved, and well provided for.

I cleaned to my iPod today, to a Genius Playlist from Fanfarlo and it was so so so good.  While cleaning, Ambling Alp by Yeasayer came on and the lyrics proved very applicable to my growth today.

And when those thunder clouds are crying in the skies, in the skies
And when those fireflies keep shining in your eyes, in your eyes
Keep your mind for the time, with your ass on the line
Keep your feet, feet sliding to the side, to the side

Now, the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their complement of highs
And if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you
Raise your head and wear your wounds with pride

I am safe. 

I am worthy. 

I am without fear. 

(In this moment, anyway).

Good night, world.

the steps of the journey.

*Note*

This is post is very image-heavy! 

(and to see them larger, just click on them.) 

I think total I've logged around 50 miles in Switzerland. FIFTY MILES!!! 

Of course, I must quote Edward Abbey in this post...I mean, come on!! How can I talk about hiking and not mention the words of Cactus Ed?!?!?

The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key.  That's the best thing about a walking, the journey itself.  It doesn't much matter whether you get where your going or not.  You'll get there anyway.  Every good hike brings you eventually back home.  Right were you started.

Last year, I didn't do a whole lot of solo hiking or adventuring on my own.  A lot of the activity we did was as a family and it was amazing and wonderful!  JJ and I spoke about this summer, and when I first arrived I was certain, CERTAIN!, I felt WAY more comfortable and would like to adventure on my own!  And, it's been such an amazing summer in that regard!  The opportunities have been phenomenal....Oh, Gratitude Flows with the hiking and moving of my body...the steps of my journey...and as I approach the next week, I begin the journey home.  

Here's a photo post of the hiking experiences I've been privy to this Summer...

Bryndli Peak!! Matt Brown and I ventured out for a day hike Sunday June 30.  I was drawn to this peak and its stark, dramatic landscape and Matt offered to be my own private guide.  It was a great way to get my body movin' after my arrival! 

Wild Flowers!!!

Posin' in the Alps. 

Navigating. 

Feeling Pretty on top of the World.  

Zen Cows. 

Blissed Layla 

  

On July 8, we took a family hike in Zermatt to Zum See. I attempt to summit zee Matterhorn. 

Zermatt Navigation

Layla as Vanna White

The first time I've had a Panache (beer & 7up!) as a refreshment after a long hike!  Such a sweet treat!

More Blissed Layla

Hiking in Waist High Wild Flowers

Buried in flowers, love this!

On July 9, JJ & I went to Riffelberg above Zermatt to hike to the glacier and the lakes..We hiked at 10,000 feet....This is me silly with the goofy Swiss Cow. 

the Matterhorn & God. 

Sweaty Layla and the Matterhorn. 

More Summiting of the Matterhorn. (it never really got old.)

JJ & Layla among the many, many Japanese tourists. 

Layla & the Matterhorn, resting. 

Blissed out Hike Love. 

Glacier Love. 

Glacier Silliness

Layla & JJ

Dueling Peaks. 

We finished with a panache in Zermatt.  5dl of deliciousness. 

There is a magic to sharing this place with a trusted and sweet friend.  What a great adventure!!

Bliss.

On July 13, JJ and I did an overnight hike to Alpiglen.  This was at Stalden, where we had a snack: cherries and almonds. Swiss cherries taste just like cherry pie filling. They're so sweet and delicious!

This is Biglenalp, where we had lunch...We had view of that waterfall for most of our hike, and it was so big and so awesome.....

See?!?

Sweet JJ, on a super rocky path en route to Kleine Sheidegg. 

Me, with a giant alligator head rock formation in the background. 

Super Sweaty on our arrival to Kleine Sheidegg.  Man, that was one long hard push to get there!!

Clouds filling the North Face of the Eiger. 

We did it, We did it, We did it, HURRAY!!!

Navigating the morning of July 14. Check out the sunrise over the valley!!  We decided NOT to do Eiger Glacier trail....We're tough, but not CRAZY. :) 

Layla, posing by the glacier water fall

JJ showing you what amazing snow melt we had--on July 14!!!

Filling my water bottle with fresh glacier snow melt. YES PLEASE! 

Incredibly Hiking Buds! 

JJ crossing an enormous ice field, which until we found out from Troy, we were certain we were crossing a glacier.  No, just an ice field.  Crazy scary just the same!

I'm vertical.  The slope of the ice field is nearly, too. SCARY!

I was grinning like a fool!! This is inside Trummelbach falls in Lauterbrunnen on July 20.  The rush of the water, 10m HIGH! Swirling and raging at such force the entire structure to look at the waterfalls hummed and vibrated.  It was chilly and the water was majestic.  It is a magical place!

This is looking down one of the falls.  Ohmygosh, amazing. My literal prayer in my head, "God, thank you for hydrostatic bonds and hydrogen molecules and oxygen molecules and how powerful they are together."  I'm TOTALLY A DORK. 

Appropriate. 

On the way to Obersteinberg. 

Navigating to Obersteinberg. 

So, I found these blueberry bushes and ate about ten or so wild blueberries and they were so so so so so good.
Then, I came across this scat filled with blueberries. It made me giggle that the wildlife was enjoying them as much as I did. 

I was cracking myself up sooooo much about taking a picture of poo!!! You know you're a nurse, when......

The waterfall on the way to Obersteinberg.  That peak is Breithorn. 

Sweaty on the way...Such a great, great hike!

Those waterfalls.....words....try.....hard....yet.....fail......

Me, Obersteinberg Bench, Waterfall.  It's a bombshell kind of life. 

The trail leaving Obersteinberg on July 21.  So small and so powerful and such a huge fall down, if I had tripped or misstepped...Instead, I put one foot in front of the other, and trusted the outcome to God.  It was a Spiritual Experience. 

Me, on top of Tenzbodali.  I made it.  It was frighteningly scary, and it was so gorgeous on top of this flat dance floor.  My only regret is I didn't spin and dance.  (I was too afraid!)

What I climbed to get to the top of Tenzbodali.

What Tenzbodali looks like---the dance floor and the shark fin

From further away..I was on TOP of that flat part...the dance floor.  I ate my lunch, cherries, almonds, peanut butter and jelly and a square of dark chocolate, drank a liter of water, and watched the world.  It was bliss. 

Almost to Gimmelwald.  I am a powerhouse of Hiking Love, Intentional Movement and Grateful Glory.  

Thank you, God, Hainsies and all involved for this amazing experience.  I return home in a few weeks time a changed person, remembering that 'every good hike leads me home.'