uh oh.

I just got a new book from the library.

And, I'm so excited about it.....I'm excited to read about new theories in parenting.  Someone asked me today, 'Why are you checking out books on parenting?' I felt so empowered to realize how important and pivotal parenting is.  (Thank you, Kate, for the recommendation.  I read the table of contents and got excited!!)

I'm not a parent yet.  I hope to be sometime in the next ten years.  That would be really great...

The cool part about the life God has given me to lead right now is I get to interact with so many wonderful, inspirational, fun, joyful, intelligent, light-giving children.  In a way, the more I can learn about being the best force in these children's lives, in addition to their already awesome parents, is going to benefit us all.  Hence, the book about parenting philosophies.  And my interest in Mothering Magazine.  And my love of seeing infants born while interning at our hospital.

When I was six, I wanted to be a paleontologist.  I loved dinosaurs so much.  Then, I found out paleontology was more about research and less about actually getting to dig up dinosaurs.  So, a few years letter I discovered I wanted to be an obstetrician.  I wanted to see babies born. I wanted to facilitate this occurrence and be around pregnant women.  I wanted to learn as much as possible about pregnancy, fertilization, conception, healthy infants.  The lot.  I was probably 10 when I realized this.  I think this is an example of God working in my life---giving me huge interest in something that has stayed with me for so long.

I've been given a gift and I'm so grateful for it.

The uh oh for the title of this post comes with the fact I have two exams next week and a paper due.  New library books are not so conducive to studying, I've found.

Happy sleeps...

Mysterious Paradoxes.

From today's Daily Reflections, 

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.

This post is so well-said I want to leave it alone.  I do want to add why I'm posting it:

Yesterday 'should' have been a perfect day.  I had an in-service at the hospital that was rewarding and educational.  The meeting at noon was amazing---about making decisions.  God knows I need to hear all about that! Then, I treated myself to a massage and it was amazing---really phenomenal.  There were parts of my body I've never thanked God for, while they were being massaged--like my mandible, my cheek bones, the muscles that connect my cheeks to my jaw.  I thanked God for my liver and my soas.  It was a really beautiful therapy.

And, then, I got home and CRASHED.  My mood crashed, my health crashed, my appreciation for the day and my zeal crashed.  All of it.  I got physically sick, which was uncomfortable.  I couldn't decide what to eat, and I was probably over hungry and in need of calories.  I was Crabigail McGrumpelstein.

I looked at the calendar a few times and did the count on my finger math---is this PMS?? Is there a pill I can take for this crappy attitude I have?

The beauty of the Paradox lies there.  I didn't take anything for my crappy mood.  I just was in it.  I accepted my mood for crappy.  I  made sure I didn't surround myself with people so as to not hurt anyone with  my crummy mood.  I took care of myself.

This part of the reading really spoked to me:

When I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength

I faced my Crab, accepted, and left it.  I didn't try to fix it.  Sometimes, I can do everything 'right' and still feel crappy.  Some days I'm going to be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with this fact; other days, like yesterday, I'm going to shrug my shoulders, thank God for giving me one more day to live, and just breathe.

weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I am giving myself a huge high five right now...
I totally ran today without my iPod.
This is a huge achievement!
And I need to shout out my success!!!

As you know, I've had this little music thing about working out...Like seriously addicted dependent.  My iPod speaker jack took the dives so I didn't work out for two weeks until I figured out to oh, buy a new iPod. I've been loving the new iPod.  It's glorious....

I have an awesome 3.5mm Jack in my car so I can listen to iPod jams while driving---which is super and the new Vampire Weekend album is just about the coolest.  Give it a listen.  SERIOUSLY...So, the juice on the cute little purple iPod has been drained a little more frequently than just using it for running....

Today, I hit the treadmill----another super achievement....my cardio has increased.  Instead of doing the elliptical for 20 minutes and the treadmill for 20 minutes, I started this week JUST DOING THE TREADMILL.  That's right, folks...Running straight for 40 minutes...Or, rather, I run about 5 - 7 minutes, walk for 30 - 60 seconds, than run again.  (Except for Monday when I ran for 29 minutes straight...that was a first for me...)

I got on the treadmill, and my battery bar was invisible.  Not a good sign for this music addicted cardio lover. But, I put the ear buds in, hit start and away I went.  And, I ran solid for 9 minutes, then cranked up the elevation to 15 (no idea the units of measurement here.  I know it's high. :) walked/ran up the massive hill, came back down and zoinks!  The iPod died.

But my body wasn't done running.  So I took the buds out, and I ran.  I straight up ran without music....The sound of my breath kept me in rhythm. OHMYGOODNESS, IMAGINE THAT!   It felt so amazing!!  I ended up running for 16 minutes, doing up hills for 3 minutes, doing sideways runs for 2 minutes, and walking at 3.5 to 4 mph for 6 minutes.  I did a 3 minute cool down at 2.5.  It was a great cardio sesh!  I was so super thrilled with my breakthrough I went ahead and did 150 abs..

Powerhouse.
That's me.

yay!

what kind of goals would a perfect person set?

This question was posed to me by a new person in my life.
I adore it.

It's been wonderful food for thought today...

And, oh today, what a great day you've been.

I didn't end up working last night---My gut was still screaming 'no!' after some thought and prayer, so I said no, and ended up having a very terrific night.  I had amazing kiddo time, them some great music, reading time, then! Dancing with Leta time!!!

DJ Wordthieves was spinning at Taj Mahal, the Indian Food restaurant in town, and it was so so so so fun.  And, so what I needed!  I got to see some old friends I hadn't seen in a while, and dance with some stellar body movers.  It was such a delight!  Oh, I adore dancing.

I slept in this morning, waking with weird dreams, and interesting blasts from the past from Facebook.  I took myself out for a delicious breakfast then went to the market for the week's food.  Now, Just being.  I have studying to do and after this post I am going to do some Case Studies. Nursing School is big on Case Studies.

They are actually helpful, thank goodness.

I am thinking about what kind of goals a perfect person would set, and a smile comes to my face---How hard I try to attain perfection.  How much it matters to me that I show up perfectly, when the gift of human existence is the imperfection of each person.  To truly accept someone so dearly that even if I had the option to have them change I wouldn't dare it....To accept myself that way!  To be in a state of acceptance about the good parts of me and the bad parts of me, and realize together they equal ME.  I cannot have one without the other.

My Yogi Tea quote, and man, this tea is amazing!, for today was this:

It's not a privilege to know others.  Know yourself.  That's a privilege.   

I love it!  To know myself so truly, to realize perfection is this illusion I hung to for so long to feign safety.  To let go and accept the all of me.  What a gift.

Hope your Sunday is perfect. 
wink.

saying yes (update).

I just a very fun three hours--playing with a very active, very fun little boy.
Sometimes saying yes when saying no would have been better turns out to be alright.
Maybe there are no mistakes in this world, after all.

That was my lesson for today.

Now, off to the Y for a run.  (It's snowy/rainy today and an outside run doesn't sound very fun.)  I need to think about going in for tonight's shift.  I haven't yet heard back from my instructor if I can go in mid-shift, which is what I would be doing tonight, and my gut is screaming, 'don't do it.'  That I need to take care of myself and focus on my studies tomorrow, instead of taking the time to sleep.  If our bodies didn't need sleep, MAN! I'd be invincible!

So, I need to do some praying and meditating about what to do tonight.  I am reminded today that when I put the focus on God, my relationship with God and seeking God's will for my life, things are right-sized, not so scary, and actually manageable.  

Showing up with enthusiasm and allowing the day to be enjoyable really helps, too.

saying yes.

When I should have said no.

I acted rashly yesterday.  The RN I work with was put on call so my intern shift was canceled.  I decided to call a family that called earlier in the day to let them know I could work for them.  Left a message.

Then, the RN I work with said that she works Saturday night, tonight, and I could join her for this shift----It totally throws my entire weekend off....And, I just don't like that. (foot stomping.)

The family called me back this morning, ready for me to work for them.  So, I ended up saying yes to working for a few hours in a little bit, and I don't want to.  I want to relax and study leisurely and not stress about doing it all.

These lessons of saying yes when I mean no, so that I can have enough---it boils down to lacking trust in my Higher Power, I think.  I didn't pause yesterday when my schedule was getting all thrown out of whack.  I didn't pray for guidance about what I should next do.  I just did.  And, now, I'm feeling resentful and crummy because I really don't want to work with this little one.  I want to watch Psych lectures and get on top of my studying.

My goal for the next few hours:  suck it up and present my best self for this little guy.  It's my first time working with him.  He's 21 months old.  He's cute with the biggest blue eyes, and this is a new family.  How grateful can I be??? Pretty grateful!  I get to work and have fun for the next few hours.  I get to show up with enthusiasm and enjoyment.  Even if I don't have a smile on my face right now, it'll get there.

Oh the lessons I learn on a daily basis.  They seem to make heart block so trivial.

Off to work.
hi ho, hi ho.

second degree heart block, type two.

The thing about Mobitz Type II Heart Block is this:
I know what it is.  The P waves have inconsistent QRS complexes with them.  It's a regular rhythm and  unpredictable, hence the danger.  At least with Type I there is a gradual elongating of the PR interval and it's telling you to 'watch out! we're gonna drop a QRS!!'  It's not the case with Type II. It's insidious.
It looks like this:

thanks, mauvila, for the image.

See those P waves?

There's no QRS complexes with the alternating ones.  That makes sense to me.  

The ECG strip on the exam I took four and a half hours ago gave a really silly example of Second Degree Mobitz II Heart Block.  It did not look like that.  And. I got it wrong.  

Oh well.  

Other than that silly mistake I feel I did pretty well.  The exam was hard, but I slowed down enough to really tap into what I know.  I studied well.  And, we'll find out Tuesday or Wednesday how well.  

Now, we're on to Urinary and Renal Function and Critical Care of the Renal Impaired Client along with the male client experiencing reproductive health issues:  here comes Benign Prostate Hypertrophy!.  (My favorite. hehehe, not the male client, though, that can be argued.  I love the kidneys.  I love the chemistry behind electrolytes in the body, how the kidneys handle all our waste....I am a sucker for reabsorption, filtration & excretion!)  

I took myself out to dinner tonight and am loving Michael Chabon's The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.  It's brilliant, and perfect for this girl transitioning out of college mode, at least for the now.  I had a lovely glass of chardonnay and falafel from Raven Cafe tonight, and the jazz was loud but good.  I was told tonight by the cute bartender that I'm very 'pleasant.'  It was glorious to be complimented.  

I also have this weird plastic flap thingy hanging from the bottom of my car. So that's what that sound has been this whole time...  Duh.  I called my Terry Dad and he is so great.  He gave me some instruction on what to do with this teeny little predicament and then he said those magic parental words that are like a string to my spine:  they just pull me right up!  "I'm proud of you and all you do, Layla."

Oh man.  

I think it's just a-o-k I didn't get right the freaking Mobitz Type II rhythm strip.  I can handle a little imperfection right now.  

Off to eat a delicious chocolate chip cookie and read some more of the world Michael Chabon has created.  

Goodnight, 

thumb butte....

  thank you, the md site, for the image.

Is it just me, or does Premature Atrial Contractions, without the ventricular activity, look like our Prescott skyline as the sun sets behind Thumb Butte?  

thank you for the image!

I also might be delirious from studying EKG rhythm strips.  

Wanted to share my revelation as I will now never forget PAC's.  

Thanks, Prescott.  

You're beautiful. 

shrug.

thank you, wikipedia, for the image

It's like getting hit upside the head without any notice it's coming. 

It's a complete end to function. 

It's frustrating. 

It keeps me in my pj's, unable to do a whole lot, and in quite a lot of pain. 

Oh, Migraine. 

You Stink. 

35 inches of mermaid hair.

I slept so hard and dreamed of all kinds of crazy things.  I wanted to be on campus by 0800 to complete the EKG Rhythm Review project we have to complete by Thursday but my bed was so comfy and my sleep so delicious I decided to move that time to 0900.  

I made it, tho'!  And completed the EKG review.  I'm all up to speed on Premature Ventricular Complexes and Premature Junctional Complexes and Atrial Flutter and Idioventricular Rhythms and God Forbid Ventricular Fibrillation.  I hope I do well on Thursday's exam...There is a lot of studying still in need of doing.  

I took a break between Rhythm Interpreting to hit up a fantastic meeting and go for a run.  I realized a couple things while running: 

1.  Why the heck wasn't I outside running today?  Dear Goodness, it was a gorgeous day! Next time I run in the afternoon, I'm going to do the track---Gosh...it was the kind of almost spring day where the buds on the branches seem to be calling to me in a fashion that scream It's Spring, And We're Here, and Aren't We Darling??? It was a lay in the grass and let the sun seep into my bones kind of afternoon.  

2.  The Olympics is Awesome to Run to.  The center TV at the Y had the Snowboard something or other on and it was inspiring!!

3.  I ran for 29 out of 45 minutes.  This is the most I've ever run in a continuous period.  Serious high fiving going on. Seriously.  AND, at a speed of 5.5mph.  Which....is the FASTEST I've ever run for a continuous amount of time.  I know.  I'm awesome. 

4.  When Dashboard by Modest Mouse and I Feel It All by Feist come on to the iPod and I'm running I find it very very very very hard to not yelp with excitement and sing along.  No matter what old man is walking next to me. This is true for Don't Stop Believin' by Journey and I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas.  I really just can't help it.  I try. Actually, I don't. Whatever.  It's my run.  I can be that annoying girl singing the wrong words out loud to the song.  It helps me get the run done!  

I was feeling so fit and thin, especially after a very exciting scale number last week that I decided to do my measurements.  I've lost 2.5" since the last time I measured, which was end of December.  Especially I was excited about my waist measurement: 

I think the last time my waist was a lovely 35" I was in my early twenties and didn't care about things like a waist measurement number.  Good ol' Dr. Oz says women's waists need to be between 32.5 and 35 inches to have optimal heart health, and I am there!  I am so thrilled with this measurement!!!  It is just very very exciting.  Only two and half more inches to go before I can be confident with my heart health....... :) What a goal!  :)

While I had the camera out, and my clothes on, I also documented another great accomplishment: 

Almost There Mermaid Hair!

I have mermaid hair with, ahem, a bra on.  I know...How audacious of me to say!  But, gravity and the weight of these puppies doesn't exactly allow my hair to fully cover them.  But, I'm almost there!  I bet by this time next year (seeing as how my hair grew six inches this past year) I will most assuredly be there.  The goal with this long hair?  To never have to wear a shirt again.  

Oh Daryl Hanna.  You will be so proud!

thanks, best week ever, for the image

Hope you all are having a Monday worth blogging about.  

I did. 

xox

the parent: the true valentine.

My mom called this morning and asked if I'd be her Valentine. 

Of Course!

Then she asked if I'd be Stella's Valentine (her dog.)

Of Course!

And, then, Will you be Darwin's Valentine? (her husband, my step-dad.)

Why, Yes!

I remember Mom often giving me Valentine gifts and cards.  When I was 12 (or so?) she bought me Monopoly and I was so thrilled!  We were each other's true Valentine's and often there for each other on this day when I was growing up.  I'm 30 now and she's married to a super swell guy who I'm sure makes a pretty nice Valentine.  It still is so lovely to consider her my Valentine.  

We ended up talking for a long time---about what's going with her and me, about the fear I've been struggling with regard to graduation, job getting, staying in Prescott, Switzerland, the money, all of it.  She listened.  My mom listened.  She sat there and listened!  It felt such a triumph!  I wasn't offered suggestions about what to do or offered condolence for my fear and frustration.  She just listened.  It was monumental and beautiful.  She even thanked me for sharing what's going on with me so candidly and honestly.  Holy Crap!  What a huge breakthrough between the two of us!  (Thank you, God!)

I often don't share things with my mom due to the fact I don't think she listens.  (read: I don't think she listens.  She very well may be listening.  My thoughts are that she doesn't listen.)  So there was some cosmic beauty about today's conversation because I felt and thought fully she was hearing what I was saying, and doing that beautiful thing of just listening.  What a gift it is to be heard.  Truly heard.   

My Terry Dad called today, too, and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day.  He's the superest duperest best Dad I could ever hope to ever have, ever.  I am so blessed.  We had an amazing conversation.  I had just gotten home from my stellar run.  I shared with him that I'd gone running because I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed and I needed to release some tension.  He paused.  (He is a great pauser.)  And he says, "Is there something we need to talk about?"  In great dad fashion!  

So, I spilled my guts to my Terry Dad about what's going on.  More honesty just pouring from me about all my fear.  Terry listened and offered a couple really great suggestions.  He said the following things that are most beneficial:

1.  "Don't make important decisions while under stress"

I love this!  He even said, how good of you to go for a run.  That is the kind of decision most beneficial while stressed!  (awwww....thanks, daddy-o!)  We have a slogan for this in Al-Anon:  When in Doubt, Don't.  Oh yeah!  I don't have to do anything right now. I just have to be with this feeling.  Release it and ask for God to take over. For God to direct my thinking and help me focus on the next task in front of me.  

2.  "Have a little faith in yourself, Layla.  You're Layla"

This one took my breath away.  OH YEAH!  I get to have faith in me!!  I've been putting a lot of faith in God and my Higher Power to help me with this fear....But you know what Terry reminded me?? God. Made. Me.  God made me with this determined, intelligent, capable self with a killer attitude inclined toward the positive.  God made me authentically.  God gave me this brain to be so smart with, this  long had desire to be around birthing babies and this natural gift with kiddos.  God did this!  Which means, yes, I get to praise and lift up God and rejoice at these gifts.  I also get to have faith in the thirty years I've spent on this planet.  I get to have faith in myself, too.  

All in all, I was overwhelmed and fearful today.  And, I took care of myself.  I spoke honestly about my fears and I went for a super cardio session to hopefully get some perspective.  I didn't come away from the Y with this whole thing figured out... I did come away feeling excellent physically and proud of the change my body is making due to fitness and activity.  I feel better.  I am still uncertain about the future but A-HA! This is all outcome stuff.  And, remember?? I'm not in charge of the outcome.  

oh yeah!!!!

I want to share a little Eckhart Tolle from A New Earth.  It's been very helpful the past few weeks. 

There are three modes of awakened doing: acceptance,enjoyment and enthusiasm.

Each one represents a certain vibrational frequency of consciousness.You need to be vigilant to make sure that one of them operates whenever you are engaged in doing anything at all—from the most simple task to the most complex. If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others

 quote found here.

I am trying to remember this journey of my life must be met with one of the three aspects of doing:  acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm.

I look to enjoy with enthusiasm the week ahead.

And to quote Tina Fey, "Happy Valentine's Day, No One."
Did you see this week's 30 Rock? Sheer Brilliance!
xox

runnnnnnnnnnn

FEAR.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real.

Running helped this afternoon.  I am so in it...

Here's the playlist I ran to, thanks to Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet I had the idea to post a playlist....

These songs were propelling me forward, on and on and on....I hit the runner's high twice (to SOS by Rihanna and to King of Carrot Flowers by Neutral Milk Hotel.)  I set my intention for my run to help me get a little perspective on these 'little high class problems' I have and to hopefully change my perspective from such a negative one to perhaps one a little more enthusiastic and positive.

I feel so blessed running and activity are part of my life.
Thank you thank you thank you.

sleepy sunday satisfaction....

This week, after Wednesday, has just blissfully mellowed out!  Oh it has been such a treat!

I haven't blogged so much because I really haven't had a whole lot to say! It's been that kind of week.....

Really Quite Lovely.  

Thursday I spent studying and then headed to class at 1700.  Afterward, Leta was down to hang out so we headed to Raven around 2030.  Two very special women, Gwendolyn & Genai were celebrating birthdays out and about.  Leta and I were invited to dine with them, and it was delightful! Gwendolyn is a light, a beaming light of dimpled darlingness.  She is thoughtful, considerate, and kind.  Genai is a force of femininity.  She is a powerhouse of healing and joy expressed.  It was so fun to celebrate their respective birthdays!

  

After Raven, we headed to Sundance's to dance to DJ Wordthieves' Throwback Night. (He's done away with the 80's and is now playing 70's, 80's & 90's---great music! and hilarious to dance to Sublime after 13 years!!)  The dancing was so fun!  I haven't danced at Sundance's since my birthday so it felt very novel and wonderful.  

I had a nagging fear I was going to see the ex ex.  Ugh.  Frigging Fear.  I swear.  If I let the fear that wells up from my hurt ego and tries to run my life, actually run my life, I would be a blob of nothingness.  I didn't see the ex ex.  I haven't seen him for a long time!  I wish I wouldn't be so afraid of him.......Despite my fear, I still danced and had a great time! It was absolutely needed to move my body with my dear friend Leta and shake off the stress of the past few weeks!  

Friday was great.  I had Owen for a couple hours in the morning, went to a meeting, then had the Love girls for a few hours in the afternoon.  The ladies all met for dinner at Maya at 1800.  What a terrific group! Kate, Leta, Dani, Shanti, JJ & me.  It was amazing.  The food was phenomenal, as always, and the conversation was supportive, loving and laughter-filled.  After dinner, we headed to the Raven for more female fellowship, and my needs for companionship and love have been filled for the now.  

Yesterday was another notch of mellow.  I woke up and went to my favorite meeting.  It's a Friends of Lois book study.  It's not a traditional meeting, more like a group of us recovery folks getting together to talk about God, read from Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, and receive fellowship from each other.  I love this meeting! It's funny:  I don't make it but maybe twice a month, and when I do, I feel I am sustained for days.  After the meeting, I had an amazing run at the gym.  I'm running longer and faster!  It is awesome!  

After my run, I participated in more super mellow.  I finished a second book in the Mommy-Track Mystery series by Ayelet Waldman.  I think she's superb but probably won't be reading any more in this series.  It just didn't do it for me this time around.  I started, for the second time, The Mysteries of Pittsburg by Michael Chabon, and am loving it so far.  

Last night, I had Iyla, Finnley & Kira for a super fun play date.  These kiddos are so special to me, and we laughed and had such a fun time.  Kira received the book Free to Be You & Me for her birthday and before bed we spent a good while reading fun stories and singing songs from this special book.  I haven't read it before!! I say with chagrin!  What a super book!!  

I woke up this morning at 0640 too tired to get moving for the meeting at 0730 so I crawled back into bed.  I feel very flexible with myself regarding Sundays.  I'd love to wake up and go go go go go go, hit up the meeting, then church, then a workout.  At the same time, I love to slowly wake up, listen to Will Shortz the Puzzlemaster and the morning round-up of news, make a latte, and be leisurely.  More often on Sundays, I feel this leisurely being is my special spiritual practice.  It feeds me, and helps bring me into focus for the week ahead.  I am so spiritually fed by meetings and church.  I love these activities and blessed when they happen in my day!  Today, though, I'm feeling very flexible and allowing the day to unfold as it may.  

I have some chores I'd like to get done, mainly the sheets changed and laundry, then I work a few hours this afternoon with Ella & Alder.  There is such a blessing to being in school and being self-employed.  I set my own schedule and at times it can be stressful! I can go to that fear place that I won't have enough or be provided for!  I've found it essential in this self-employment journey I'm on to have faith and trust in God at the same time. I just don't even want to think about what it would be like if I didn't trust God has my best life in store.  

I have an exam on Thursday, covering cardiac content:  EKG rhythms and strips, the anatomy & physiology of the heart, signs and symptoms of the critically impaired cardiac client, and the disease processes of myocardial infarction, cardiogenic shock, cardiac tamponade, & sudden cardiac death.  I also need to know the drug classes and functions that are used to treat these conditions.  My stress level on a 10 scale?  About a 4.  (God, you are amazing.)  

I have tomorrow off.  I need to go to the Computer Lab on campus and complete the EKG rhythm review.  Then, I have the afternoon to study and get things done.  I am just absolutely adoring the mellow calm that has set in!! It is fabulous!  

Oh! One last special thing in this huge update:  It's for sure!  I am heading back to Switzerland this summer!  Details are not confirmed but it is a definite and my fear level is high high high!  (YIKES!---not about the travel or the experience, but about my living situation and financial situation; Noriko, my roommate, must find a job within 60 days of graduation due to her visa and if that doesn't happen here, she's outta here!  GASP!!  To think of living without her----eeeeeeeeeeeeek!  And, to not have the promise of a financial aid check waiting on me upon return is stressful.)  It helps for me to get my fears out there---The more I can become aware of them, the more I can accept them, and have God just take them away!  (Or at least help me see how little I can do about them right now.)  

(Isn't it funny at the beginning of this post I said I didn't really have a lot to say?)  

Hilarious, I know. 

I hope your Sunday is as special and lovely as mine is shaping to be.  

xox

Snow Show.

This morning around 930 the flakes were so huge and the sky was so dark---it was snowing beautifully! 

Of course I got my camera out and enjoyed the amazing weather. It snowed for about thirty minutes and the magic I should have shown was an hour later the sun came out, and all the snow was gone.  

Arizona's Magical. 

I also want to share I rocked my first exams in Nursing Theory IV and Psych Nursing. God is hugely providing grades of grandiose proportions.  I am humbled and amazed.  Also, tonight I was supposed to work a shift but the RN I work with is out sick, and I decided to take tonight off to take care of self.  That means no intern shifts this week, which will be a lovely blessing.

Nanny work is going super well.  I had lots of awesome kiddos today and felt on point: lots of laughing, giggling, and fun fun fun conversation.  I am so lucky to have the job I do!!

I woke this morning late after making myself stay in bed--goal in mind to be awake and rested for tonight's shift. I was talking with my roommate about my schedule the next few days and laughed, "We'll see what happens. Things always seem to change!"  I find this lovely view of flexible living so vital and essential right now.  I'm able to live with a flexible outlook, and it's really helping me to be more present with the task at hand.

Tomorrow's mellow:  all I have scheduled now that I don't have to sleep is study time, which will be wonderful.  I have class at 5p and that's it!  Friday's mellow, too.  I have a lot of mellow coming up and I'm very much looking forward to focusing on journaling, meditating and exercising.  The past few weeks those things have taken a backseat to studying and interning.

I feel this little breather of time will be a nice aaahhhhhhhhhh to get refocused.

Have a lovely night, y'all.

By the way, what is up with Google Buzz?!?!?!
yikes! :)

npr is my pop culture grocery aisle mag

i'm grateful for today.
i got so much done after waking with a crummy tummy.  i got my nursing education porfolio mostly done (thank goodness just rough drafts are due tomorrow.)  i got all my silly on-campus psych nursing assignments done and feel i have a much better grasp on bipolar disorder, dysthymia and major depressive disorder.  i got in the car after a couple hours at school doing work with snow coming down and heard this review of Dessa, a Minneapolis rapper's new album.  i love music and this artist sounds great--so far, i'm excited to get her new album. 

you know, the more flexible i am with myself, the easier my days go.  i feel very very blessed for this realization, and super grateful for the god-given ability to achieve and succeed.

hope your day is warm.  i have a chill in my bones that only a Hugo's Lombris burrito can satiate.
happy burritoing!

last quarter moon

sleep oh glorious sleep.
rest full of dreams about sliding rocks and concrete covered in mud
woken in the night with wind hitting windows and thought of snow covered morning.
waking restfully and tired
knowing i have a plan but can be flexible with myself.
greeted by a happy puppy loving early morning cuddles
she's rather be pet than relieve her full overnight bladder.
kisses on my ankles and sleepy dog eyelashes.
music with xylophone sound and clouds moving so fast
the sun is off on off on off on
the snow melts quickly and the air is so fresh
peace and serenity overfloweth heart and soul

late night XMU goodness

listening to XMU makes my ears so happy!!!!

Beaujolais Nouveau

it's one of those lovely, lovely quiet nights. 
i made a macro-platter for dinner, ohmygoodness delicious.  my workday was short and fast today--only about five hours with Sweet Hannah as she gallivanted with her girlfriends at a six-year-old birthday party and i drove 85 miles from here to there to everywhere...

tonight is lovely.  i have Sirius XMU playing and the dinner i'm eating is delicious.  i adore XMU.  and i adore tofu, veggies, beans, rice and sriracha. i have my first psych nursing exam tuesday night at 5p and some videos and online assignments to do to prep----i think i'm going to consciously procrastinate those things until tomorrow and relish in a night of lovely relaxation.

yesterday was insanely enjoyable.  i made some delicious tofu, broccoli, chili noodles and watched Whip It. 

image credit here.

i really liked the movie! it was fun fun fun! i think Kirstin Wiig is a gem and i enjoy everything she's in.  Ellen Page is a doll, and the movie was all parts what i needed last night after two straight intern shifts.  holy tired! i slept like a rock last night.  hard!  and fabulously well rested upon waking which was even more awesome. 

i had a great conversation with someone super special to me about my loneliness the past few weeks and it was suggested that perhaps my loneliness was a little self-pity making a run on me.  AHA! that resonated so well with me and a few days after that conversation i feel much more aware about what i truly need and what i'm actually getting.  there isn't much difference in the two.  i have amazing friends i can reach out to at any time.  i am not alone.  i get to enjoy this time without an intimate male relationship because it is truly a great gift! i get to be fully accountable for myself!  what a gift!!

i'm feeling a lot better and enjoying the quiet, the chance to be in relationship with myself, and the gentle acknowledgment that possibly i was wallowing a little bit earlier.  eh. whatcha gonna do?  i am indeed and thankfully not perfect. 

can i tell you again how delicious this dinner is??? and how much i love XMU??? rocking to some Modest Mouse right now. love those boys. 


hope your weekend is going super duper.  i work for some darling Love girls tomorrow for a good chunk of the afternoon/evening.  there's some football game on that dad wants to go to a party for....hmmmm....i think i'll look at that as some excellent post-bedtime study time.  gosh, i love my job.


xox

keepin' it simple.

I want to quote my dear friend Emily from a sweet email recently:

Oh, I bet it's hard to work the night shift but I truly believe that when we're faced with a challenge like that and there's a finite cap on how long we have to do it, it always turns out that the allotted amount of time is exactly how long we can stand it without going insane. :)  I'm so glad you're getting hands on experience in your field and can't believe you're getting so close to reaching your goal!  Are you making sure to get some Layla time, too?  Might be too cold for hiking, but make sure you're staying healthy with wholesome food and good conversation.

These words have sustained me the past week, reminding me I'm given just enough strength to get on my knees and seek God's help through this difficult and challenging semester.  I love her eloquence:  that when I'm faced with a challenge that has a finite cap, it always turns out we're given exactly that amount of time to do the challenge without going insane.  I believe I can do this internship without going insane.

Last night was my first 12-hour shift, and it was challenging.  Given especially the hard work laboring with mom's is, and the long hours, I am blown away by my fatigue.  The sleep training, worked, though, and I didn't get tired until around 0530.  I was part of a team that took care of four newborn arrivals last night, I bathed two darling little newborns, I witnessed my first birth of a female (so far the birth's I've been at have all been little boys!) and I felt participatory and proud of the care I gave.  My sleep today was choppy.  Again.  I have started taking a natural sleep remedy when it comes time for me to sleep during the day so I can get good rest, and I'm finding that helps with the depth of my sleep, which is where my problem has been.  I feel the past two days I've been sleeping harder, which I believe contributes to more restful rest.

I also took my first exam in my last Nursing Theory class tonight, and I'll keep you posted the results of my effort.  Honestly, I know I did well. (Thank you, God!)  I understand the material and feel confident about my test taking skills (hahah---I almost wrote 'kills.'  Yes, I kill at taking exams.)  :)  And, after class a few fellow students and I went to Thai House for a most delicious meal.  I stopped on over at Raven for a latte and now, I'm having some downtime before I head back to the hospital for a 2300 - 0700 shift.

I am tired.  I don't think I got enough rest to allow me to work another shift, but I'm trusting in God's power tonight.  I have to.  I feel my head having that ucky aura feeling I get sometimes pre-migraine, so I'm just hoping I can do all in my power to stay alert, well fed, and hydrated.  Also, I am off all day tomorrow, so I'm devoting the day to rest.  Not even cracking a book tomorrow.  I might watch some videos for class, but other than that, I'm resting.  And that feels like very good dedication to taking care of Layla.

I also want to share about a little treat I purchased for my darling friend Becky and me to participate in!

I am so freaking excited.  By April 13, I'll be done with my coursework and working hard at interviewing for nursing jobs and passing NCLEX.  Thrilling, then, that I'll get to see one of my favorite band's right now, Vampire Weekend.  Oh, I just think they're the most charming lot!  

It sure is lovely to have a light at the end of this hardworking tunnel.  

Good Evening!!

xox

it is the voice of light that calls us to learn.

This clip is phenomenal (thank you Mark & Leta!)
It's 18 minutes long, so if you have time.
Happy Day!

sleep training!

i woke up at 0630 with so much difficulty and i am so tired right now.  i work tonight at 1900 and am doing a little experiment --- i'm calling it Sleep Training.

i've not had coffee this morning.  perhaps why i'm so tired, and i'm knee deep in finishing my Shock lecture.  then, i have some case studies to do online, perhaps some videos to watch, and i will let myself sleep. (hopefully i can, oh i hope i can!)  this semester is just so different--with teaching myself the material and then studying it second.  i feel behind, and yet as one of my dear classmates reminded me yesterday, i am actually studying while learning the material.  oh yeah! maybe i'm not so behind after all!

i hope i can get good rest today---tonight is my first 12-hour shift at night. so far i've only done 8's.  yikes! to say i'm nervous, well, i think i'm always nervous when i work....it's exciting, too, though, and i am learning a lot.  it is very hands on!  the RN i'm working with goes fast! and, i find myself going a touch slower so i can really be thorough and double-check myself.  i don't want to make any mistakes!  it's exciting work and i'm really enjoying my preceptorship so far.

i am feeling a little crunched about all the work ahead of me, and i know at the same time i'm totally taken care of when i put my stress and my fear in god's hands.  it's been a wonderful reminder to focus on TODAY.  i had some tears yesterday during my management class's break---this whole resume getting a job thing stresses me out terribly!  and you know what?  i don't have to focus on that right now.  my footwork is studying, passing, learning the material, graduating and passing NCLEX.  that will get me to the eventual goal of working as an RN.

i have amazing friends.  last night i met Leta for tea and it was great.  it turned into me basically barfing on her all the stress i've been feeling the past few weeks...what a great listener she is! she reminded me that i get to enjoy not being a nurse right now!  i get to enjoy this education.  ENJOY.  oh yeah! ENJOY THIS!  and this morning i spoke with my darling friend Beth about being present in the moment.  such a terrific reminder, too. i get to truly TRUST my higher power's with me in the moment.  what a blessing!  when i focus on what's right in front of me to do, i am so so so blessed with lack of fear about the future, getting a job, all that stuff.

it's funny.  i graduate may 15, 2010.  at 1pm, in case you're interested. :) and i had this idea all this hard work would mean on may 16 my life would immediately change and i would be working as an RN and be done with this school thing.  that silly story i told myself is beginning to change.  it's probably not going to look that way.  more outcome stuff i get to ask god to relieve from me.

this is such a fascinating journey i'm on.

off to study more!
xox

Oh, Sufjan.

These lyrics from Jacksonville by Sufjan Stevens are written in red across my mirror:

I'm not afraid to get it right
I turn around and give it one more try


I am overwhelmed but in a super peaceful way, which again, knocks me off my feet and makes me wonder if I'm really even overwhelmed.

I declined attendance to a Pediatric Symposium I had on my schedule tomorrow and I feel a *little* frustrated by that---at the same time, I think it's more important I take that time to study.  (My first theory exam is Thursday--it covers Fluid & Electrolyte Imbalances, Acid Base Imbalances, Care of the Critically Injured Client suffering from Burns & Shock.)  This semester is VERY heavy on us teaching ourselves the material.  Which leaves little time to study:  the time I would be studying is the time I'm taking to listen to lectures and take notes.  I feel behind.

I was listening to some calm Sufjan a few days ago when his lyrics came right out of the speaker and spoke to me so wonderfully.

I am a little afraid to not get it right, but the more I talk about it and the more I praypraypray for the amazing guidance to show up and participate in this busy life, the more I'm really turning it around and giving it one more try.

My week is busy.  Tuesdays are my busiest day, and I'm about to head out the door for playgroup.  Then six hours of class ahead.  I'm hoping to get some cardio in (I got my iPod yesterday---it's lovely, delicate, purple and amazing. I'm very excited!)  If I don't make it to the gym, after my psych class tonight I'm going to walk around our lovely downtown square for some fresh air and perspective.  Tomorrow since I've declined attendance to the symposium I'm off all day, which is a blessing: STUDY TIME!!  And, I'm working 7p to 7a tomorrow night, as well, so hopefully I'll get some good rest in, too.  Thursday is exam day after hopefully sleeping well and doing a final review.  Then I work again 11p to 7a.  PHEW. Exhausting, right?  I can do it. I can do it.  I am housesitting again this weekend, a blessing financially--very easy work!, but disorienting a little  when I'm not in my own space.  I'm going to focus on the blessing of it.  And, this weekend I'm working a lot with the little kiddos.

With all the busy, I feel peaceful.  I'm grateful I realized this past weekend that I neeeeeed activity in my life, and yesterday I was active twice, which felt amazing.  (I also treated myself to a really terrific massage.)  I'm hoping to just breathe today, be in the moment and focus on what's in front of me.  And, I can only do that with God's help.

I hope wherever you are you're off to have a great day, too....