I can't get The Black Eyed Peas song I Gotta Feeling out of my head.
You know the chorus? 'Tonight's gonna be a good night....'
I went for a run this morning and finally put some new music on the good ol' ipod to jam out to. Such a great run. I'm finding my distance is getting longer for the same amount of time I'm on the treadmill---and this week was the first week I followed Body For Life completely, in its entirety. I feel amazing. And super super proud of myself, and grateful for God's role in my life with regard to fitness. Something has clicked. It has clicked before with fitness because I adore working out. I love the runner's high, the sweat and the challenge of moving my body. Previous 'clicks' have been short lived and I've never gone more than five days consecutively working out. This week I did six.
Since beginning dancing May '09 and seeing really fantastic results with my weight loss just by adding fitness, and maintaining a healthy organic vegan diet, the click feels more sincere. I've shared I'm terrified at failing with regard to my body and my fitness. This week feels like a milestone. I didn't fail. I showed up and did the work. I feel higher powered in this because getting to the gym was challenging. Mostly, tho', I feel like God got me there. I feel like I'm showing up for God so God can do for me with my body what I haven't been able to do for myself. And, I'm allowing myself to be flexible in the process. If I don't get to the gym at 7a, I allow myself to go later. If it's a lifting day and I feel like running, I run, and lift the next day, or later. And, I have to share this story too.
Yesterday was a super busy day for me. Up at 0610, gym at 0645, lifted arms til 0800, rushed home with enough time to prepare breakfast, coffee, and get showered and dressed. I had to be out the door at 0835 and I think I was out by 0837. Pretty good for this girl. Busy day---had kiddos til 1430, then had to pick up my scrubs from Juanita's Alterations (Preceptee patches sewed on the left arm--more later), get to the library to print info for my class starting Monday, and ran to the market for a few quick items. Crazy day!
I walked into my house at 1630. And, it smelled strongly of gas. I thought, 'that's weird. i used the oven this morning, but it usually doesn't stay smelling like gas all day.' (yes, I think in complete sentences.:) I walked to the kitchen to put things away and noticed one of the knobs on the range was tilted. Not in the straight up and down 'off' position. OHMYFREAKINGGOD. The flame was still going on low. ALL DAY LONG. That's right. Eight hours of front burner flame going. ALL DAY.
I went into action mode, slightly concerned that my static electricity might cause me to explode? I shut of the burner, opened doors and windows, and then, having enough recovery, THANK YOU GOD, I took my Sonja cat outside and we went to get the mail. I reached out to my Reach Out Peeps, and left three messages. (that's my max when I'm in a crisis. I get three tries to reach out. If I get three voice mails, then I start praying.) I realized I felt like such a (sorry for the swearing) piece of shit human. Who freaking leaves their range on ALL DAY LONG?!??!? Ohmygod. I'm a piece of shit human.
Program has taught me that when I'm troubled, I pray and do the next indicated thing. Well, the gas smell was getting better--it was pretty much gone with all the cool air wafting in. And, I started doing the dishes--It's amazing how my dishes are always done now that I'm in recovery. :) I was feeling so awful. Ohmygosh, awful. Piece of shit awful. And, I got this thought. "OOOH!! I can go for a run, and I'll get the runner's high and I'll feel better." The thought made me stop doing dishes.
I looked out my window, and thought some more:
So, I think I can exercise to feel better?? Is that where I am now? Sure, a great choice. Exercise is a wonderful, amazing, life altering affair. I am enjoying it loads. But, I'm not about to start using it to avoid feeling and to then, feel better! Nope. It would be different if I hadn't already did a huge workout in the morning. Going again would have been using exercise to stop feeling my current feelings. So, I continued looking out my window and prayed some more, and asked God to give me the strength to get through my feelings. No lie: about fifty-two seconds later this thought rushed through me:
"You know, I made a mistake. But, I'm not a bad person. I'm really okay."
Then, wouldn't you know it, I felt better.
The three calls I made for reaching out called me back at various points during my night, and it was amazing to hear experience, strength and hope around my frick up from other people. Two of the three women I heard from had the same thing happen to them---oh how wonderful! I'm not alone in my screw ups!!! And, I'm not a bad person for screwing up, either.
You know, I might have felt differently if my house exploded and my cat died, but guess what?? I don't have to go there. Because my house didn't explode. And, my cat is so lovingly alive.
Back to the Black Eyed Peas:
Tonight, I start my first shift Preceptoring at our local hospital in Labor & Delivery. I am so thrilled. And, so completely void of expectation. I had a great afternoon of working the steps around my fear about tonight, and so much great goodness came out of this afternoon. I haven't slept yet, and am going to try for an hour of shut eye after I finish this post---then I work from 2300 to 0700.
The cool part? I might get to see a birth tonight.
I get to show up and be of service to some women and families expecting the arrival of a new human to this amazing planet. I get to be a nurse tonight. I get to show up for God tonight.
How lucky am I? And, how blessed I get to set aside whatever fear is crippling me and show up to the best of my God given ability.
So, yes, Tonight's gonna be a good night.
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