I panicked when I got home. P.A.N.I.C.K.E.D. I was a mess and reminded of a certain prayer to keep me focused on life bigger than me, and a Power Bigger than me that will provide!
Eternal God, Lead me now out of my familiar setting, where doubts and fears reside. Lead me beyond my pride and my need to be secure, into strange and graceful ease. Your arms of hope support me, and I hear your voice in my silence. I will grow strong enough to endure and be flexible enough to share your grace with others.Then, life started happening. After my initial panic I got myself to a meeting QUICK and began to get the much sought after serenity I had been lacking after eight long weeks away from the rooms that help keep me focused on a spiritual solution. I've been making four to five meetings a week, making lots of phone calls, and getting back on track with my recovery. It's been wonderful, and I'm reminded how much work living this spiritual solution is. Today, I'm willing.
I also knew I needed to find a roommate with whom to share my awesome space. I found Noriko through Craigslist and have not had any problem with the site so I posted a prayer-inspired post, and got quite a few responses--all of them felt alright. Then, Jeremia wrote, and YEP!! God is awesome, we emailed for a day or so, talked on the phone, and then Sunday Aug 15 he came by to check out the space, meet me in person, and that afternoon paid the deposit to be my housemate. Wow, God!! Quick work!!
He moved in Aug 25 and so far, so great!! I think we're finding our 'living together, getting to know each other' vibe out and it's working well!
A lot of my fear and panic was looped in and entangled around money. Imagine that. I was so afraid I wouldn't have enough, wouldn't be able to pay bills, rent, food, any of it. Why is it so hard for me to remember that God has my back?? I heard this week: If God leads you to it, God will lead you through it. God is leading me to the miracles and joy of my every day life, so OF COURSE God is going to lead me through the 'supposed' trial of daily living.
I started to let go of the outcome. Reminded again of another prayer ridiculously helpful:
God, enlighten me. Help me recognize Your will. Give me the strength to execute Your will for my life. I willingly let you take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.Yes. I willingly let God take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences. That does not mean I sit in my home and pray for money to fill my accounts and pay my expenses. No. So, I reached out, I lined up work with families I worked with before I left. And, all has been okay!! My fear has been slowly decreasing. I do have moments of fear, but I have to remind myself fear doesn't leave me completely, and fear is a reminder to trust God. Fear is an opportunity for me to practice faith. I am grateful for these reminders.
Without giving away too much, I have come home to two friends dealing with stupidyuckylotsofswearwords & expletives: Cancer. I have a myriad of emotion around these diagnoses. I am confused, frustrated, angry, sad, and utterly powerless. I am reminded of the beauty of the Al-Anon program with regard to alcoholism initially, but applicable to everything: I did not cause this, I cannot cure this, and I cannot control this. Oh sweet powerlessness: I embrace you now as this yucky yuck enters my community and I ask that you show me what I can do to be of service, not judge, be kind and tolerant and most of all, loving.
I have written about it loads, and I know if you keep up with this blog at all you know I have my test date for NCLEX. I am beyond excited to apply my belief and faith in God's will around this exam, do my footwork, which means STUDYSTUDYSTUDY, and rock the socks of this sucker. September 23, baby!! A perfect day--autumnal equinox, equal parts sun and night, and the beginning of my favorite season, Fall. And, a full moon to boot. I'm taking the exam in the city of my birth, Mesa, Arizona. Magical beauty of course!! Do I subscribe that all these magical events are ripe to my passing NCLEX? No!! I do subscribe that this date feels right, my instinctual thought says YES! and after prayerful consideration and a very good night's sleep, this will be the date I take my knowledge, hard work and Higher Power to the testing center, sit down, breathe deeply and test for Registered Nurse status.
For about ten days while I was home, I found myself sleeping and waking to the sun's schedule. I was blown away about this--Partly because I realized this rhythmic cycle began in Switzerland, and it was timely there. The sun didn't completely set until 930 or 10p and didn't rise until 630a. A perfect eight + hours of sleep!! And, in California, I was fighting jetlag so the sun didn't factor in, and in Oregon, again, the sun was setting later thanks to Oregon's observance of daylight savings and I could rise with the sun at the 6a hour and feel well rested. Well, here in Arizona, where daylight savings is just a day on the calendar and not an action taken twice a year, the sun was setting at 730p!! So, guess who was climbing into bed with Stieg Larsson and falling to sleep by 830p and rising between 530a and 6a with the sunrise?? This girl. I fought it at first and judged the heck out of it, (what an old lady I am to go to bed at 730p!!) then I embraced this beautiful ability to sleep and rise with the Earth. I think I have adjusted to being back in Arizona now, and the sun's setting doesn't equate bedtime to me anymore, but I am rising with the sun still and there is such a beauty to that wakening.
I've been incorporating way more activity into my life than I ever have before and I absolutely credit God, Switzerland life, motivation from JJ and a fifteen pound weight loss since May. I've been doing Kundalini Yoga at home three to four times a week., hiking with girlfriends one to three times a week, and have been challenged and inspired by Yoga Flow on Fridays. My body is shifting. My thighs are changing shape, my waist is 30 inches (!!!), and I'm in clothes I haven't worn since 2001 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I'm falling more in love with my body than I ever have before, save freshman year of high school when I was a two-a-day volleyball champion running, squatting, crunching my way to a super fit 14-year old body. I didn't know then I wouldn't have that body when I was in my twenties. If only....For now, though, there is a deep joy with feeling love with the body that is looking back at me in the mirror.
I'm embarking on some deep spiritual lessons about forgiveness, judgment, acceptance, and internal discomfort. It's uncomfortable, and at times I feel like a failure and a fugg up. Then, I thank God for giving me awareness about areas in which I get to grow, accept my humanness, and do the next indicated thing.
I think this brings me up to current! I am home. I am studying for NCLEX. I test September 23. I am interviewing for a RN position Tuesday. I'm working with kiddos that inspire me with laughter, sweetness, and joy. I am surrounded by friends that have courage and strength unprecedented. I am open to miracles and shown that graceful ease is a lot of times strange and doesn't look how I think it should, which I believe is God's way of showing up even more gracefully and miraculously.
Love to you!