I haven't slept in this late in a long time. It feels awesome!! I've been pushing the Layla envelope with three! (yes three!) nights in a row going to bed after midnight! (ack!) Today, I woke so so so so tired. I've been given an assignment in my step work that is very pivotal and this week has been so busy (there's a lesson; I'm going to get to it)! Every time I started writing for my assignment, something would come up, or I couldn't see the exact harm I've caused...I was getting frustrated, and ended up canceling my appointment to go over the list. I need more time.
I was flexible with myself this morning, too. Being so tired, and only functioning on six hours of sleep did not sound like a super way to start my day--even though Saturdays are my favorites. In the four weeks I've been home, I've begun this darling Saturday routine: up at 0700, Kundalini yoga, quick breakfast, 0845 book study and coffee meeting, 1030 meeting, home around noon feeling rejuvenated and serene.
Well, today, I crawled out of bed at 0950! WOWZA! I didn't go to my meetings, I didn't yoga. I've been super flexible with myself this week around activity. I was on a roll before this week began: hiking, yoga-ing, doing something every day...Then, I just paused for this week. It seemed too overwhelming with all I have going on.
So, as far as my lesson for the week, here goes. (I haven't gotten to the lesson learned part; I'm still in the discomfort of awareness). I've set my date for NCLEX. September 23. That's in THIRTEEN days. I took advice from those near to me and scheduled studying time EACH day this week..Starting with Monday. On Monday, it didn't work. The program Noriko lent me to use for practice questions wasn't loading and I got frustrated. I did end up doing 180 practice questions, and that was a super starting point. But, unfortunately, aside from a half hour of Princeton Review work booking on Thursday, that's all. I've. done.
My discomfort lies in letting other things be more important than this study time. More important than me working my 8th step. More important than getting enough rest each night. It feels like procrastination disguised by my being too busy. I'm putting things in front of studying and working my steps.
It's uncomfortable. And, I'm so so so grateful for the awareness. This morning, I've made a delicious breakfast, coffee, and am listening to Wait Wait. I am catching up the blog world with my lessons. I work a 24-hour shift beginning at 1700 tonight, and have a busy day planned with my little kiddo tomorrow. The good news? It's only 1100 and I have six hours to focus on NCLEX. (My goal for today is a solid three hours of studying). I look forward to sitting in awareness around this lesson of putting myself first and transitioning into acceptance.
A fun note: I was flirted with last night by a man I find totally sweet, intelligent and kind. It was very exciting and fun and we made plans for Tuesday night. Hmmmm....So didn't see that coming.
An awesome God note: my darling friend is out of surgery, her discharge papers are signed and we had an awesome conversation this morning. Her voice doesn't sound groggy at all; she sounds great. She will be home this afternoon, and I'll get to see her tomorrow. God is so great! (Thank you for answering prayers, and allowing my darling friend to be safe, without complication, and hopeful!)
A body note: I plan to do a whole blog about this because it's totally weirding me out but I'm in size 12 pants--like, totally in a size 12. I weigh 165 pounds. I haven't been this little since 2002. (little: re: still overweight as BMI standards go, and I still feel I could lose another 20 pounds!) The future blog will be about how I thought it was going to feel, because it is surprising and weird, and I don't trust it, and I really thought fitting into those GAP size 12's and American Eagle size 12's I've kept for EIGHT YEARS would be more monumental than it was yesterday when I pulled them on and they were kind of loose.
A work note: I'm so excited about my new job, and didn't ask what would happen if I don't pass NCLEX--it is in the back of my mind. What if I don't pass?? I have a list of questions to ask the Director of Nursing next week, and will hopefully get more of an idea of what life working as Registered Nurse will be like. As far as childcare goes, I'm blown away at God providing so hugely for me right now. I am working lots, and having fun, and enjoying the kiddos with whom I keep company. I am so blessed!!
I hope this day is treating you well. It's a big day for American history--nine years ago today. I think it's important to live life to the fullest on this day--heck! I think that of every day, but especially today. There seems something powerful about enjoying the freedoms of this American life and celebrating them. For me, celebrating the joy of American life is the best way I can acknowledge the awful of September 11.
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