Friday, March 26, 2010

self-diagnosis.

I am a bit deficient in attention this morning.  One could say I'm sufferin' with the ADD.

I've been sitting here the past hour and a half popping from blog to pandora to god-awful face book to my journal in front of me back to my email and all over the place.  I'm completely lacking focus.

I just read this from today's One Day At A Time in Al-Anon:
But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives.  Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation.  It means accepting the fact of a situation and then deciding what we will do about it.  

Fighting futility is just a waste of energy, Samantha.  Either do something or quit fretting--Celebra Tueli.

Well, thank you.  I accept my deficient attention and focus.  I choose to focus now on what I can change--I'm going to blog about my unrest and then put on a lecture and get my brain to studying.

Sometimes when I read my daily readers, I feel they are just for me, just for the moment I'm in.  It is eerie, coincidental and god-given.

From today's Courage To Change
"Anything worth doing," goes a slightly cock-eyed version of the old saying, "is worth doing badly."  Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis are three of the worst effects of alcoholism upon my life.  

If I'm unwilling to perform a task badly, I can't expect to make progress toward learning to do it well.  The only task I can pretend to perform perfectly is the one I have left entirely undone.  

I have seen how my perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis has prevented me from growing this past week.  I have shown up for a lot and I have allowed myself to not show up for some things.  I feel vulnerable and delicate.  My health isn't consistent.  Some days I feel like a million bucks and some days I feel weak and frail.  I have been saying for about three months that this coming up is going to be really hard work.  "Soon, I'll be working really hard."

I had the realization yesterday that NOW is the time I'm working really hard.  It's NOW.  It's not coming up.  It's NOW.

With the Nate, I've had lots of talks about Present Moment Awareness.  (I personally like that the acronym for Present Moment Awareness is the same as Positive Mental Attitude.  How synonymous they are!)  For this new relationship, my focus is a lot on being completely in the moment.  It is very difficult.  I want to go to that far away place of planning, future daydreaming, excitement.   In a lot of ways, that's how I've been viewing these last few weeks of the semester---Oh, I have 14 DAYS left to work hard.  Focusing entirely on what the future will bring...

My error in thinking is it's about the NOW.  With Nate, it's about fostering the relationship TODAY.  With school, it's about working hard IN THIS MOMENT.

Yes.  I will be done with my academic requirements for graduation in 14 days.  Yes.  I will see Nate in 7 days.  Really, though, it's the choices I make today that truly matter, that truly define my integrity and humanity.  When I can surrender to this moment, admit my powerlessness, and accept exactly where I am, I get to let go of my attachment to what will be and start being in the What Is.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Aloha,
I fell into your wordlap as a result of googling 'Celebra Tueli'.
How strange and starlit this ephemeral whispy connection of HP works.. as I too am a member of the fellowship. I am grateful to find another who is as i am . Human.
My previous sponsor used to pontificate about 'being happily esconced in the struggle' and how the need to live in perfection prevented any real growth or progress.

Thank you for your kind words.. AND your honesty and transparancy. I am alas, at odds and needed a nudge from some other source.

I need to make an ammends in order to move forward. It is difficult when i am "right", though. I used to joke that even though i've been married twice, i was only ever truly married to being right. sigh. the ego..not my amigo.

why is being right so lonely?

Blessings to you and yours.
Monte

monteshart@gmail.com