Saturday, March 27, 2010

life on life's terms.

Last night, I had a great, tiring shift at the hospital.  It was very slow.  I took care of two 'couplets.'  Mama's and babies...No deliveries happened and it was a super quiet night.

I worked with a different RN, and it was an awesome experience--my hope and faith have been restored in my field and I will continue this journey.  (At least that's how I feel right now.)

I should have been done last night.  Given all the scheduling I've done for my preceptorship, last night should have been my last shift.  My instructor came in this morning as shift was ending and said, excitedly, "You're done, right?"

"No. I'm not done.  I have 30 more hours."

I am almost going to that shoulding on myself space where I wish it were different than it is.

I also know myself well.  I know I needed the time off I took, instead of working my shifts.  I don't feel this preceptorship has been very indicative of 'real world nursing' as my school promises because I'm completely involved in my course work at the same time.  I don't feel I've shown up with the most honorable work ethic because I have a lot on my plate.  I'm aware of all of this.

I came home this morning around 0745, washed my face, took a shower, and climbed into bed.  I prayed as I was falling to sleep that I could sleep straight until 1400.  My first wake up time was 1045.  (Not the elusive 1400.)  Then, I woke up again at 1145, and managed after a little potty break to sleep all the way to 1330!!!  YAY!  I was so thrilled when I rolled over and saw on the clock I made it to afternoon!  Wahooooo!!  I stayed in bed til 1430 and now, have had coffee, "breakfast"  and even laid out in the sunshine of this Brisk Spring Day for some solid Vitamin D synthesis.

I got good rest.  While I was laying in bed deciding if I could sleep more or if getting up was my next action, I meditated on what I was feeling.  My should thoughts kept coming up--how I should be done with my preceptorship, should be done studying all my content, should have my part of our communication project completed by now, should should should should should.  

With all the shoulds I meditated on what it would mean if I truly LET GO of how I was feeling.  I took some deeeeeep breaths.  I put my left hand on my heart and my right hand on my belly and breathed.

I imagined myself on this wind current, traveling through the What Is.

I imagined what it would be like if I didn't attach myself to my feelings.  I imagined that serenity-space that could so delicately embrace me if I weren't trying so forcefully to have things be different than they are.

I prayed.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;  unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  (From Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, p. 449)
For today, I am willing to let go of the feelings I have around school, nursing, working hard, relationships.  For this moment, I embrace the action of living life on life's terms, welcome my Higher Power into my soul and seek the moment.

From July 30 in One Day At A Time in Al-Anon
This day belongs to me.  I can do wonderful things with it, creative things, including the creation of order in my surroundings and in my mind.  Nobody else owns my particular segment of time, so it depends only on me how well I will fill every moment to my satisfaction.  Al-Anon tells me to live one day at a time.  This is that day
Just for today I will be unafraid.  Especially I will be unafraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

I'm off to play with darling girls, Sira & Kidney, and one sweet Mineral. :)

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