Grapefruit Seed Extract is Magical.

Wanted to post some pretty magnificent photos from this past weekend's snow fall.
I was dog sitting for a sweet Rosie girl and had a blast---the yard is beautiful no matter the weather, and these photos just show how gorgeous the snow made everything in our little magic town.

A most exceptional view of Thumb Butte...

The view from my house covers the Butte with power lines.  This view is so pristine!

Did you know one of my favorite things about the winter is the hats?  I love winter hats.

And snow filled days and Thumb Butte blurred in the background.

This isn't my yard.  I wish it were.

So beautiful.

One morning, I was on the back porch getting Rosie to do her business, and I saw this movement out the corner of my left eye.  About five deer came trotting across the road.  It was such a site in the snow.  They were so silent and quiet!  One stopped and stared at me, and I waved, "hello!" and hollered a 'Thank you!"  It was a treat, for sure!

Yesterday, I woke up with a little cold.
So I brought out the arsenal of get better remedies.
I drank about seventeen cups of strongly brewed tea, with Grapefruit Seed Extract, honey & lemon.
I woke this morning feeling good.
 A little stuffy, but good, and not suffering with any bit of cold yuckiness.
YAY!

Nature's Magic Cold Cure.
Just add hot water, time to rest, and a sweet puppy willing to cuddle.

The Ballad of Love and Hate

Song lyrics
by The Avett Brothers
album: Emotionalism
my new favorite on repeat. 


Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, Whatever."

"I should not have been gone for so long."

"I'm yours and that's it, forever. 
You're mine and that's it, forever."

We Absolutely Insist On Enjoying Life.

"The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before."
From Daily Reflections,  January 24

I'm in the middle of an overnight shift with three little Love girls.  They're sleeping, still, this morning, which is lovely.  They're getting some good rest in.  The littlest one cried out a couple times in the night, which is common for her and I usually don't get very good sleep when I work overnights (not the hospital kind, where I have to stay awake, but the nanny kind, where I get to sleep!) because I'm so worried I'll sleep too hard and not hear the kiddos should I need to.  Thankfully, though, I went to bed at 930p so I was ready for good rest.  When little Love cried out at 330a and again at 530a I was feeling okay.  And, now, having woken up at 7a, I'm good!  Coffee's made and I have toast in my belly.  I feel well rested.

I wish I had my camera cord to post photos of the view I have...There are hardly any clouds in the sky!  It is so gorgeous and now, cooooolllllddddd!!! outside this morning.  Rosie bounded outside chipper and ready for the day and gosh! It's cold, but all the snow, and actual sunlight gracing her presence this morning---such a delightful treat!  I didn't realize it had been four days since I'd seen sun until yesterday when I spoke with a good friend about the lonely's I have been feeling. 

The thing about the lonely's is this:  it's just a feeling.  And, it usually passes as, thank goodness, all feelings do.  The thoughts I muster up and the ideas that rush through my head about getting rid of the feeling--man!  Some of the things scare me because I think I'm healthier than that.  Some of the things don't surprise me at all because lonely is an incredibly uncomfortable feeling.  It's hard to admit 'lonely' because I feel I should be just a-o-k withouth the companionship of another human being.

I got this confused early in my recovery---that we should never feel lonely because we're never alone.  That's where I was mistaken.  And, the growth I'm experiencing in this current bout of lonely:  I am not alone.  I feel it joyfully in the friends I have to reach out to, the work that keeps me busy, sweet Rosie to entertain me with her white fur caked with even whiter snow, and a darling roommate who is positive and kind.  In addition I have this internal force.  This drive.  This relationship full of sustaining glory.  The relationship I have with my higher power truly reinforces my belief I am not alone.  But....OH BUT....All of this goodness showing how not alone I am does not save me from the creeping and sometimes sinking feeling of loneliness.

Hence my early-in-recovery mistake:  I can be lonely, even though I am not alone. 

Thank goodness it's just a feeling and I don't have to act on it.

I don't have to reach out to people from my past with whom I no longer have relationships.  My lonely calls to them because those relationships were unhealthy.  It's interesting.  When I'm lonely, I long for the people in my life with whom I was unhealthy.  I tapped into that understanding yesterday, and it was this brilliant light lift:  Lonely is just a feeling.  It does not mean I am alone, as I know in my core, I am not.  It is just a feeling.

Where my growth comes is how I act with that feeling.  Do I continue to react in an unhealthy manner, seeking to alleviate the discomfort?  Sure.  I know I've done that the past few days, by having a glass of wine in the evening.  Do I need that wine?  No.  Am I having it to perhaps squelch some discomfort?  Yes.    I even had bourbon Friday night.  BOURBON? REALLY?!?!?  Oh Layla.

The growth I have is this great awareness.  I am not terrible and horrible for having bourbon, or wine.  I am grateful for the awareness I have for why I reached out for those substances.  Such awareness helps keep me growing.  I am also grateful for the gifts of maturity and patience to not reach out to those people for whom I long.  I know this feeling will pass.  Without me reaching out to people I am no longer in relationships with!

Maybe it's the weather that spurred this feeling; maybe being shut in under so much snow without the glow of sunlight can cause anyone to feel a little lonely.  Whatever the reason, I feel blessed with my new awareness and the reminder from Daily Reflections to tap into being of service to others.  Reaching out is the best gift I can give myself.  When I reach out, I truly let go of what's causing me grief.  I become part of the human condition.  I am of service, in relationship, out of myself.  It is a true gift, and so amazing that "as I give to the world, so the world will give to me."

Sweet little Love is waking up.  I hear her playing in her crib, so I'm off to work and entertain some darling girls.  I love my job and the companionship these little beings offer me.  I am grateful for the sun and its bright reflection on all that snow outside.  I am grateful to know "this too shall pass."

I'm Taking The Pledge.

Distracted drivers are 4 times more likely to have an accident than drivers not on the phone. And, that is just talking on the phone.  TEXTING on the phone while driving is the equivalent to having FOUR ALCOHOLIC DRINKS and then getting behind the wheel.  I will no longer use my phone while driving.  It is not that important any more. 

Check this out for more information.

I'm not a fan of being an Oprah advertiser, but am so impressed by this campaign I really want to pass it along. 

"We have precious cargo in our cars: ourselves and our families.  Why would we put that in danger?" 

waiting....and seeing.

The snow shuts down Prescott.  I feel a little shut down, too.  Work has been canceled today and I am supposed to have a shift tonight at the hospital.  I'm just not sure what to do.  The snow is pouring down.  I am dog sitting with sweet Rosie, who loves the snow; she's having a ball rolling around, eating it, coming in covered in flakes!  I'm not at my home.  If I were at home, what would I do:

I'd probably study.  All of my study stuff is at home.  Of course.  When I was packing yesterday for this house sitting gig I didn't think to grab my study stuff because I thought I would just do it today.  Now, we're drenched with at least eight inches of snow and though I have a 4WD car I can use, part of me is a little hesitant to get out in it.

I tried to get online to watch the Acid Bace Imbalance and Fluid Electrolyte lecture, but this computer is a mac, and I am sooooo not mac proficient.  The lecture won't load.  So, I'm a little stuck.

I'm waiting...and seeing.

I'm just not sure what to do with my day!  It's almost 11a.  I'm still in pj's.  (Love that.)  I woke up at 715a to blankets of snow, a yard made of winter dreams, and a puppy eager to play outside.  This weather is just miraculous.  It's gorgeous, and a little scary and really stops life.  I'm surprised how fearful I am to get out.......And, I have a little bit of the lonely's too.  I made a lot of phone calls this morning and that helped.  It always helps to reach out when I'm lonely.  And, because of that my phone is on it's last battery bar...and guess where the charger is??? Yep. My house.  So, either way, I know I'm going to have to get out of this house at some point to head over to my place to get my phone charger, my study things, some more food, and a few more changes of clothes.


The mayor declared a State of Emergency for Prescott due to yesterday's rain.  We got near 4 inches of rain in a 12 hour period on top of all the snow we already had.  The creeks are completely raging and full.  I am sooo grateful I live on top of a hill, and the second story apartment to boot! I'm grateful the house I'm sitting in is warm, with power, and on a hill, too.  There is so much water circling around---through the arroyos, the streets are soaked, our high desert is soaking soaking soaking up so much water that the ground is drenched and power poles are becoming uprooted! 

What an interesting couple days.

I'm off to shower and get ready for the day.  I'll make my decision about getting out in this weather then.  I know I'll have to get to my house at some point, and probably better now while the weather is still wet and mushy and not frozen and icy.

Hope you're safe wherever you are....
xox

Some Time Alone

Thursday, January 21, 2010

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning

Too many activities, and people, and things. Too many worthy activities, valuable things, and interesting people. For it is not merely the trivial which clutters our lives but the important as well.
—Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We need interaction with others, and we need activities. We have many gifts to offer those who cross our paths, and we need the many gifts they have to offer us. But we soon have little to share, to give to others, if we neglect the special times, the empty spaces needed for nurturing the soul.

Some time away from people, activities, and things, some time away to commune with God, to seek guidance, to seek security in the fullest sense, will prepare us to better give our gifts to others. That time alone will also ready us to accept others' gifts to us.

It is true we find God's message in others. But the time alone with God lowers the barriers that too often prevent us from hearing another of God's messages as expressed through the friends and even foes who cross our paths.

My gift to myself is some time alone. I deserve that gift today and every day.






I find this completely and lovingly appropriate as the snow is coming down and my car is stuck in the garage and I have no idea what this day has in store.  some fabulous time with God ahead.

First Day of School!

Views from the porch of The Light House:

Woke up to loads of snow this morning, and it's still coming down.  Today is the day of the 'big storm.'  Up to 12 inches is expected for Prescott, and Flagstaff is expecting around  THREE FEET OF SNOW. (this week!) Whoa.  So, for the first day of school, classes have been canceled.  My work this morning has been canceled and I have no idea about working from 11 - 4.  Is it still happening? No idea.  I'm supposed to start dogsitting for sweet Rosie today, too, and just not sure what's happening.  One of my dear friends is suffering a lot right now and it's hard not really knowing what to do.  I'm making lots of prayers for her safety and health.  What an interesting time!  Our little town just shuts down completely when weather hits, and I love it.  I don't love being stuck at home, and wondering what's going to happen with my schedule and my day, but you know, that's okay.  A perfect time for still prayer & journal time.  I hope wherever you are, you're blessed with quiet stillness.  It is truly magical this world in which we live.

ipod saga continues...

i have been given an assignment with regard to this ipod business.
write the pros and cons of a) fixing the current lovely powerhouse and b) getting the brandest newest ipod touch.

i haven't done that yet.

instead, i've spent another hour of my time looking at 8GB nano's and 2GB shuffles.

good grief.

and speaking of grief.  i think i'm seriously grieving the loss of this little musical friend.  i haven't been to the gym IN A WEEK due to this loss of music.  what is that about???  i think this blog says it all.  YIKES.

my day has been really super super.  had my psych nursing orientation today and really think this class will be great.  got a bit of organization done, and am off to staples to buy those expensive 3inch binders to get super duper organized.  i just got a facial.  an awesome little treat for myself for being a good little hard worker over winter break.  then, after staples, i'm off to my good friend beth's house to eat thai food and catch up a bit.  VERY VERY excited for some good friend time.

any advice about ipod purchasing???? is it the money i'm afraid to spend? is it smart to try an online company to fix my current broken little gem of music loveliness?  should i just get a little shuffle in the interim?  i know i definitely do NOT want to stop working out just because of some silly little ipod glitch.

goodness.

well, off to finish out this day...
xox

We Pause...And Ask

From today's Daily Reflections
I have nothing else to add except to say AWESOME., perfect, just so very well said. 

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.87

Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I would respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgment to become discernment; to defer to silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend. I promise to watch for every opportunity to turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I know where this power is: it resides within me, as clear as a mountain brook, hidden in the hills – it is the unsuspected Inner Resource. I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all effort to find the right thought or action today.

sad no more.

i am going to do all in my power to attend this madness.  and i find it oddly ironic the price of the three-day pass is the same as an ipod touch. duh duh dummmmm.....CHOICES! love it!

any takers?? who wants to coachella with me?!?!?
!!!

sad.

it clicked for me today why i haven't been super into working out: my ipod is sadly broken.
the right speaker (no matter what 3.5mm jack i use) goes in and out and sometimes no sound at all.
i went to Argosy West to see what good news they had for me.
alas, NONE.

no wonder i haven't been too keen on jumping around like a cardio lover. the music isn't there to fuel me.
ho hum.

my solutions are:
1. fix it myself (ewwwwww!)
2. send it to a third party fixer and have them fix it.
3. call apple and see what they say.
4. buy an ipod touch. (that feels like the easiest solution....and totally fuels my desire for want want want.)

once i figured out why i haven't been so gung-ho about the gym, i definitely feel better.  just sad my powerhouse music source isn't functioning at its best.
poor little guy.

Round-The-Clock Faith

From today's Daily Reflections

Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.16

The essence of my spiritually, and my sobriety, rests on a round-the-clock faith in a Higher Power. I need to remember and rely on the God of my understanding as I pursue all of my daily activities. How comforting for me is the concept that God works in and through people. As I pause in my day, do I recall specific concrete examples of God’s presence? Am I amazed and uplifted by the number of times this power is evident? I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my God’s presence in my life of recovery. Without this omnipotent force in my every activity, I would again fall into the depths of my disease – and death.

faith: confidence or trust in a person or thing, or belief not based on proof.  

i think both definitions apply to my higher power.  i have intense confidence and trust in my higher power and believe without seeing this god. yet, i find the second definition lacking.  i have so many examples of 'proof' of my belief.  faith is such a personal matter.  i don't think it can be judged or defined simply; i'll try, anyway.  for me, my faith is integral to my wellness and participation.  when i practice my faith and show up within it, all is well.  i can go days (though i soooo don't like to) where i don't interact with my higher power or seek to strengthen my relationship.  lately, that hasn't been happening as much:  i've made a very sincere effort the past six weeks to encourage my faith and my conscious contact with my higher power.  it's been amazing.  

i do pause throughout my day and see god's presence in my life.  i am uplifted and amazed many times a day by this power and how often it is evident.  

i think the best gift of recovery i've received is the relationship i have with a power great than myself.  it took a  lot of struggle to understand that this simple idea could be the point of recovery for me.  i don't really struggle anymore.  such a gift.  i see that my struggles can be helpful to others, and i'm grateful for that.  i'm grateful when struggle creeps in, i have a plan of action.  i have steps i can take, people i can reach out to, and a higher power to go to for strength.  i see also that i just so don't know the point of any of this life stuff.  so, why am i trying to figure it out so fiercely?  perhaps, i can just put my best faith into action and trust my higher power has the goods all figured out.  i just need to show up.  after all, 'participation is the key to harmony.' 

we have loads of snow forecast for our little town this week, and it's really exciting.  school starts for me tomorrow with my psych nursing orientation, then lecture begins for me thursday night.  i'm super excited....i have a bit more prep work to do before i can say 'i'm ready' but am grateful i've already been studying and that fact makes me feel ready, too.  even if my binders aren't all organized and all that silly stuff.  

i work for about six hours today and then get to do dance class tonight.  my desire for fitness has been put off a bit my fatigue.  i worked a 2300 - 0700 shift friday night, and i think it took more out of me than i expected.  i'm thankful for yesterday's day off. i enjoyed resting so much, and have a very severe crush on Jon Hamm.  did you see him at the Golden Globes? with the beard? YUM. 

well, all in all, today's starting out great.  i slept super duper (dreamed of the ex-fiancé, wowza. that was something to wake up to...and still so vivid!)  and am having delicious coffee.  now, off to work. 

grateful for the goodness about faith today. i'm looking forward to relying on the god of my understanding as i go about my daily activities.  it is so amazing to not ever feel alone. 

accidental day off

i woke this morning fatigued, so tired and in desperate need of a day off.
lo and behold, i got one.
get better vibes being sent right now to the little one with a fever.
i am so thankful to be having this day....
complete with breakfast this morning with a lovely gentleman, the laundry getting done, my last paper for SOC 120 finished and emailed off, meeting with some anonymous types for a much need hour, checking in and lovin' on a Leta friend post surgery, chowing on a very delicious veggie burger, watching some hilarious 30 Rock (your hand feels like a warm pillow !!!), and now! it's not even 530p!
i welcomed home my lovely roommate from Japan today...it is so nice to have her home.
i am wondering if i'm going to hit the gym tonight, or pop in disc three of Mad Men. it's feeling like a Mad Men night.

i feel so super blessed to have been given this day off.  so what i needed, and wow! it just materialized in front of me.  very very lovely.

yay!

ghost story.

When I was little, my brother made fun of me a lot.  I think it's a requisite chore of older brothers--make fun of younger half-sibling.  Especially when she doesn't live with you and you have to have her pesky little self around every other weekend.

He was terrible about my clumsy ways.  I was such an awkward child.  I had bruises all the time (not much has changed there; still clumsy and easily bruised!) and would drop things often.  You know that ohmygosh-almost-had-it-feeling where you're holding something and it just nearly slips out of your hands? I feel growing up that happened to me a lot.  Or, I would just plum drop things.  It happened often!  And, let's be honest.  It just still happens.

My brother died in 1995.  It's been 14 1/2 years since he's been on this planet.  And, since he's been gone, something has come up for me.  When I have that almost drop something feeling, and I catch whatever was about to go plummeting from my grasp, I think it's Andy helping me.  I feel like it's his little self catching my clumsy and being there for me.  It may be silly, but I've thought this for so long that it's hard to think differently now.  It's become my way of remembering Andy as a mean big brother and then thanking him for being there for me.

Well, this morning, I had a soap situation in the shower.  Scrub scrub scrub, lathering up to wash my face.  The soap slipped from one hand to the other and then near fell from my hands to the tub floor, but I caught it.

I thought, "Right on, Andy.  Thanks, Bro."
Then, I giggled, and I said, "Dude. Get out of the shower! Sheesh! Can't a sister get some privacy?"

I've had a really great morning and wanted to share my little ghost story.

gooooood news

no matter where you are in your menstrual cycle, this news is bound to cheer you up!

i got the new Vampire Weekend album for $3.99.
my spirits have lifted thanks to some afro-pop.
thank goodness!

PMS

can suck it.

ACCEPTING OUR PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES

Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives. Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 44

When I am having a difficult time accepting people, places or events, I turn to this passage and it relieves me of many an underlying fear regarding others, or situations life presents me. The thought allows me to be human and not perfect, and to regain my peace of mind.

i'm having difficulty accepting my irritability, physical discomfort and crabby grouchy attitude.

this reading helped. but i'm still crabby. ergh.




I'm so crabby I didn't reference the reading:
it's January 12 from Daily Reflections. 
sorry about that.
about twenty minutes later, my sweetly foamed latte is helping the crab a bit.  a bit.

milk frother!

today was an enormous day.
i bought a hand held battery operated milk frother.
i cannot WAIT for tomorrow's coffee time.

just got home from working out---i gave myself permission to take today off, laid down to read and possibly nap, and then wasn't tired anymore, so i got dressed for the gym.  had a good cardio sesh.  i feel like i took it a little bit easier today since today was an extra day. (and for the count, day seven of working out IN A ROW. yep. that's right. **high five**)

went to the market and bought some good food, but really, all i want to do is eat chocolate chip cookies with soy milk and watch Lost.  i'm only on the first season!  and it's good!!!  i just finished disc two of Season One of Mad Men, and dear goodness, i'm loving this show!  can't wait for the next disc to arrive from netflix!

wanted to post this quote, by Eric Butterworth, from his book, Spiritual Economics

The word 'affluence' is an overworked word in our time, usually implying cars and houses and baubles of all kinds.  Its literal meaning is 'free flow,' and not things at all.  When we are consciously centered in the universal flow, we experience inner direction and the unfoldment of creative activity.  Things come too, but prosperity is not just having things.  It is the consciousness that attracts the things. 

i include the quote with chagrin as i boast about my new milk frother.  :)
happy sunday!

f.l.e.x.i.b.i.l.i.t.y.

i was having that nap i mentioned before and woke up to my phone ringing.  it was my RN for tonight, and she'd been called off her shift because there's only one patient on the floor.  therefore, i'm not working tonight. 

go figure.

i slept for an hour and twenty minutes.  i think i'll be able to head home and just crawl back into bed......

so funny i spent so much time today figuring out what i was feeling, writing, praying, giving all this stuff to God.  to have this be the outcome. 

'nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in god's world by mistake.....'

l'chaim. :)

Mazel Tov!

I can't get The Black Eyed Peas song I Gotta Feeling out of my head.
You know the chorus? 'Tonight's gonna be a good night....'

I went for a run this morning and finally put some new music on the good ol' ipod to jam out to.  Such a great run. I'm finding my distance is getting longer for the same amount of time I'm on the treadmill---and this week was the first week I followed Body For Life completely, in its entirety.  I feel amazing.  And super super proud of myself, and grateful for God's role in my life with regard to fitness.  Something has clicked.  It has clicked before with fitness because I adore working out.  I love the runner's high, the sweat and the challenge of moving my body.  Previous 'clicks' have been short lived and I've never gone more than five days consecutively working out.  This week I did six. 

Since beginning dancing May '09 and seeing really fantastic results with my weight loss just by adding fitness, and maintaining a healthy organic vegan diet, the click feels more sincere.  I've shared I'm terrified at failing with regard to my body and my fitness.  This week feels like a milestone.  I didn't fail.  I showed up and did the work.  I feel higher powered in this because getting to the gym was challenging.  Mostly, tho', I feel like God got me there.  I feel like I'm showing up for God so God can do for me with my body what I haven't been able to do for myself.  And, I'm allowing myself to be flexible in the process.  If I don't get to the gym at 7a, I allow myself to go later.  If it's a lifting day and I feel like running, I run, and lift the next day, or later.   And, I have to share this story too. 

Yesterday was a super busy day for me.  Up at 0610, gym at 0645, lifted arms til 0800, rushed home with enough time to prepare breakfast, coffee, and get showered and dressed.  I had to be out the door at 0835 and I think I was out by 0837.  Pretty good for this girl.  Busy day---had kiddos til 1430, then had to pick up my scrubs from Juanita's Alterations (Preceptee patches sewed on the left arm--more later), get to the library to print info for my class starting Monday, and ran to the market for a few quick items.  Crazy day! 

I walked into my house at 1630.  And, it smelled strongly of gas.  I thought, 'that's weird. i used the oven this morning, but it usually doesn't stay smelling like gas all day.'  (yes, I think in complete sentences.:) I walked to the kitchen to put things away and noticed one of the knobs on the range was tilted.  Not in the straight up and down 'off' position. OHMYFREAKINGGOD.  The flame was still going on low.  ALL DAY LONG. That's right.  Eight hours of front burner flame going.  ALL DAY. 

I went into action mode, slightly concerned that my static electricity might cause me to explode? I shut of the burner, opened doors and windows, and then, having enough recovery, THANK YOU GOD, I took my Sonja cat outside and we went to get the mail.  I reached out to my Reach Out Peeps, and left three messages.  (that's my max when I'm in a crisis.  I get three tries to reach out.  If I get three voice mails, then I start praying.)  I realized I felt like such a (sorry for the swearing) piece of shit human.  Who freaking leaves their range on ALL DAY LONG?!??!? Ohmygod. I'm a piece of shit human. 

Program has taught me that when I'm troubled, I pray and do the next indicated thing.  Well, the gas smell was getting better--it was pretty much gone with all the cool air wafting in.  And, I started doing the dishes--It's amazing how my dishes are always done now that I'm in recovery. :) I was feeling so awful. Ohmygosh, awful.  Piece of shit awful.  And, I got this thought.  "OOOH!! I can go for a run, and I'll get the runner's high and I'll feel better."  The thought made me stop doing dishes. 

I looked out my window, and thought some more:  

So, I think I can exercise to feel better?? Is that where I am now?  Sure, a great choice.  Exercise is a wonderful, amazing, life altering affair.  I am enjoying it loads.  But, I'm not about to start using it to avoid feeling and to then, feel better! Nope.  It would be different if I hadn't already did a huge workout in the morning.  Going again would have been using exercise to stop feeling my current feelings.  So, I continued looking out my window and prayed some more, and asked God to give me the strength to get through my feelings.  No lie: about fifty-two seconds later this thought rushed through me:

"You know, I made a mistake.  But, I'm not a bad person.  I'm really okay." 

Then, wouldn't you know it, I felt better. 

The three calls I made for reaching out called me back at various points during my night, and it was amazing to hear experience, strength and hope around my frick up from other people.  Two of the three women I heard from had the same thing happen to them---oh how wonderful!  I'm not alone in my screw ups!!!  And, I'm not a bad person for screwing up, either. 

You know, I might have felt differently if my house exploded and my cat died, but guess what?? I don't have to go there.  Because my house didn't explode.  And, my cat is so lovingly alive.

Back to the Black Eyed Peas:
Tonight, I start my first shift Preceptoring at our local hospital in Labor & Delivery.   I am so thrilled.  And, so completely void of expectation.  I had a great afternoon of working the steps around my fear about tonight, and so much great goodness came out of this afternoon.  I haven't slept yet, and am going to try for an hour of shut eye after I finish this post---then I work from 2300 to 0700. 

The cool part?  I might get to see a birth tonight.
I get to show up and be of service to some women and families expecting the arrival of a new human to this amazing planet.  I get to be a nurse tonight.  I get to show up for God tonight. 

How lucky am I?  And, how blessed I get to set aside whatever fear is crippling me and show up to the best of my God given ability.

So, yes, Tonight's gonna be a good night.

L'chaim!  

I'll have what she's having.

hehhehe.
I have loads to post about----
life is grand right now, but wanted to share my amazing experience at the gym this morning.

been on a huge kick with the Body For Life work out.  my work out buddy and i revamped the lower body lifting so OhMyGOODNESS my legs and butt are sooo sore today.  you guys know what i mean, right??? that pain after a good lifting workout where sitting on the toilet is just about the most painful thing ever.....where you wait to pee to the very last second because you're avoiding the muscle pain?? and, at the same time, the muscle pain is so exhilarating! I'm alive!

so, today was cardio and i've been doubling the cardio because at the root, i LOVELOVELOVE cardio.  i've been doing 20 minutes on the elliptical and then running for 20 minutes and i've been hitting the runner's high each time i'm running. SO EXCITING.  today was an especially far out super duper work out because my legs are so sore, I think.  the music was pushing me, the vibe in the gym was good, and i was on point.

afterward, i grabbed a mat and was stretching away and did some crunches, too.  feeling so amazing.....
i took my hair down from the crazy up 'do from where it was tied, and was breathing and smiling, feeling good.

there was an older gentleman next to me, and we caught eyes in the mirror's reflection and i smiled.

i said, 'i just realized i'm making all kinds of noises right now. i just had a great work out.'

he said, 'yeah, i was smiling inside because you're reminding me of that movie, you know, the one with meg ryan where she makes all those noises in the cafe and the lady across the counter says, 'i'll have what she's having?'  that's how you sound.'

HAHAHAHHAHHA.
SO, post amazing cardio work out, mid stretching, i sound like i'm having an orgasm.
AWESOME.
!!!