God deejay.

I'm a firm believer in my Genius setting on my iPod being a way for God to play music God knows I need to hear and enjoy and love.
This morning, on my 8a drive home from work, after a very busy, full night working, I had my windows rolled down, my iPod goin', the wind was cleansing and powerful!  These two songs set the mood for a really great day, full of a super sleep!, and what will hopefully be another really great night at a job I love!

thanks, Panda!

duh.

gross.

I think this is gross. Just gross.
Who's going to wash the sneezee???? It's literally wearing a Kleenex as an 80s-inspired arm-warmer.  Ewwww.

Reminder from God (v.4)

One thing I love about the Daily Reminder from God is putting into context and words what God would actually say to me.  Today's Daily Reminder is reminiscent of a thoughtful, loving, sweet God that is so excited about what is going to come into fruition in my life.  Even if there is delay, even if delay is part of God's plan, God is thrilled about who I am and who I am going to be.  God is thrilled with my life!  I enjoy delighting in my own life, and knowing God is just as excited about my next step as I am is so lovely, so calming, so reassuring!  Today's reminder also emphasizes how important it is I trust God--with everything.  God's plan can be my plan when I pause, take relish and behave calmly.  When I put faith into action, and trust God has my life.  God has my life in God's care!  What a gift!!

Here is today's reminder:

Love all My ways with you. Delay is not denial but my wonderful all-loving restraint. I can scarcely tolerate the delay.

My motto.

I was reminded of this quote today from Marianne Williamson.  It's found in her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Imagine if I lived every moment asking God to show me where I can shine, where I can allow other's to shine, and rejoicing in the moments God gives me.  It might be a foreign idea, and I may only excel at it a small percentage of the time, but who am I, if not a brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous creation of God?? I choose to celebrate that today.

the couple that blazes together...

...stays together.

And, in the reverse, the couple that chooses different paths will usually break up.
Three years ago I was engaged to a very darling man boy guy.
We chose October 10, 2010 to be our wedding day.
Then, things shifted, and transitioned, and September 2008 we broke up, to really go our separate ways May 2009.

When I think of him, I think of what a gift making amends will be.  I think of forgiveness, possibility, and true release.  I'd like to say so many things to him.  Mostly, "when I think of you, it is with a full heart, with contrition, and I'm sorry for how I behaved.  I believed in our love, and then I just stopped believing in us, and I was wrong in a lot of ways."

Today's been a funky day, mostly because I'm transitioning from working nights to living in the daytime, and my sleep has been fitful with unrest.  This day has come up on me quickly, and I am happy to let it go.  Life changes, and I don't want to say anything other than I honor this day--for what it could have been, for what it is, and for all the goodness that surrounds growth and change.  

blog break!

Hello!
I've taken a bit of a blog break, and wanted to let you know I plan to back with regular updates on Saturday!!  Lots has happened in the past couple weeks, and I can't wait to update about it all!  Life is great, I am doing well, and I wanted to let you know about my unintentional hiatus!

Soon!

Hope you all are doing so very, very well!  Happy Thursday!

yay!

I've had a most excellent week.
I'm not in a space to elaborate on a whole lot right now, but I want to plug my new favorite blog, Daily Pep Talk from a Best Friend.  Rachel is said 'Best Friend' and has a feature on the blog to email her if something good happens. So, I did just that. See for yourself what she posted:

Shout Out: Layla Is A Registered Nurse!!!

“I just passed the National Council Licensure Examination and am a Registered Nurse!!!!! I am so stinking excited and thrilled!! Start work at an acute care hospital on Monday! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Layla
Layla, great work! Give em hell on Monday. Congrats!!
xoxoxoxoxo

When something good happens, let me know at emailingrachel@gmail.com   

To see this in the blog world, outloud and proud, is such an awesome feeling.  Sure, I plugged myself, and emailed Rachel, but you know what?  I am so proud of myself!! I did it!  I worked hard, did excellent in school, finished each of my semesters learning more than the previous one, and graduated Nursing School.  Then, instead of doing the 'right' thing, I left the Country.  I went to Switzerland for six weeks, and was able to enjoy myself, despite my fear of what will happen.  I came back, put one foot in front of the other to do the next indicated thing.  I got my test date for license, applied for jobs, got hired at a job before getting licensed, and passed NCLEX. 

I did it!!
Wow.

One huge 'Yay!' if you ask me!!!
Hope you're doing well today, too.

Egoic Doubt and Fear.

I am sitting here, getting ready to get ready for bed.
I don't want to be in stress or fear about Thursday.
It's creeping in a little bit----did I do enough?  I just know I didn't because The Princeton Review book I have isn't completely read.
Did I do just what I had time to do? Yes.  
I am scared I'll fail, and I'm hopeful I'll pass. 
I don't want my ego or my self-defeating mind to get the better of me in this process. 
It is just a test.  That's all this is. 
Just a test.  
I can weight it in my mind if I want to, but that just makes it bigger than me and I already have a Power Greater than Myself.  
If I make this exam bigger than God, then I'm sure to fail.  
No matter what the outcome. 


I am tired of studying, and grateful for all I'm learning during this serious review process. 
Tomorrow, I wake before the sun to catch the sun rise from Trail 317 north of Thumb Butte.  
Then, I do a practice exam. (more than one if I have time.)  
And, a lunch date with a very nice and fun man at noon.
I don't plan to study after lunch.
From lunch, I plan to drive to Mesa to hang with my daddy-o and try to breathe and be calm.

But of course, these are all speculations as to how tomorrow will play out, and I know very well that my days have not been going as I think they should.  So...
I get ready for bed, now.

Good night, world.

breeeze!

There is a breeze coming in through the window. 

There are clouds piling up outside in the blue sky. 

There is a Princeton Review NCLEX study guide in front of me, pleading me to open her, to study her. 

There is a song playing by a band I've not heard of, and I love it.  

Check out this blog for track three, and you'll feel it too.

There is an overwhelming calm within me. 

I don't doubt calm.  I know to not question calm. 

I trust calm. 

Calmness is trust in action, and I'm grateful I learned that three and a half years ago. 

I test in two and a half days, and I believe with every ounce of me that whatever is the result of me sitting down for the National Council Licensure Examination will be God's will.  

I trust the breeze, the effort, the coffee, the ginkgo biloba, the music, the books, the people, the experience, the power of this educational experience. 

I am not afraid.  

Gaga.

Going a Little Crazy for Lady Gaga.
Remind me to tell you the story of the cute British girls on their way to Lalapalooza to see Lady Gaga (said brilliantly with their darling little accents) and their very cute father who flirted with me.  I might have flirted back.

Sun.Day.

Today has begun with Things I Love.

1. waking to the sun
2. watching the sun rise
3. coffee
4. another coffee
5. happy babies
6. toast with earth balance, peanut butter, raspberry jam and ground flax
7. lots of glasses of water
8. being healthy 
9. taking my vitamins
10. prayers
11. reliving dreams in my mind while little bodies eat cereal and make funny faces at me across the table
12. being well rested
13. little plans and designs
14. turning 'them' over
15. trusting NCLEX will be just what it needs to be
16. wishing i could have a morning with my mom 
17. thinking about half-marathon runners
18. curious what i need to do to get the scale to go below 167.4
19. contemplating another coffee but knowing that would probably be a bad idea
20. looking over and seeing a brown-eyed sweet four year old roll her banana in her hands like it's a play-doh snake
21. wishing my hair would curl at the ends like the sweet almost-three year old sitting next to me
22. contemplating bangs and a bob
23. gratitude
24. faith
25. sunshine

Happy Sunday.

Reminder from God (v.3)

Today's Reminder is hitting me up the head.  I am in a bit of a funk...not even really sure what I'm feeling but feeling nonetheless *shudder*.  Trying to keep my head up.  Taking care of my body by eating delicious food, but lacking the motivation to study. (That's probably where my funk is coming from.)  I wish my mind would quiet.  It's really quite busy today, and uggg....The adage 'Never go into your mind alone' is very applicable today.  Trying to remember to bring my Higher Power into my thoughts....Trying..

Here's the reminder from God today---appropriate, no?

If you only sat still and longed for Me, you would be so unruffled, so calm, so bold. Refuse to be downcast. Love and laugh. I am with you.

..in.the.moment..

What a week!!
Holy Moly!!

I try to reflect on what I was doing this time a week ago, and I literally have to open my planner to remember.  It's been sooo long since a week ago Saturday.

I will fill you in on what I can remember---I had an overnight shift with a little girl I haven't taken care of since June, and it was so fun.  We played hard, we enjoyed each other's company and she was on board to go with me to my sweet friend Beth's daughter's baptism.  It was a special day on Sunday, and I was thrilled to be part--even if we couldn't stay the entire time.  Beth is an awesome Mom and her little babe is a joyjoyjoy.  The entire time she was up near the alter she was smiling.  It was a sweet day.

My little charge and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns.  It was a fun movie!!  I can't find anywhere the lessons Nanny McPhee imparts on the family she is with, but when I can find it, you'll see it in a post, for sure!    Sunday night, I had the privilege of my darling friend Becky's company for a two hour walkabout our little town's square, and then an hour more of sitting and chatting.  We were in desperate need of a catch-up!

Monday I spent studying and practicing yoga in the evening after a delicious dinner with a sweet friend, Jen.  She is very talented, and I posted earlier this week a video they just created for their song. I am so proud of my friends!!  There is a new yoga studio in town, it opened last week (when I get the webpage link I will post it!) and all this week they've offered classes for Donation.  So, I had the yummy privilege of practicing yoga in a classroom setting, instead of in my living room in front of the television.  The studio is offering Hot Yoga Vinyasa and some 12 Step Yoga classes, and so far, I'm hooked!!  I really enjoyed where my yoga practice took me this week.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were heavy work days--averaging nine hours each day.  IKES!  Tuesday night was a treat, though, and I was taken out on a date.  I think this *ahem* male friend is very super duper, and we had a great night.  Not at all what I expected to have happen this week, and really the definition of a treat! Oh! And Tuesday I found out what my schedule will look like at the new job and it will be DAYTIME (yessssssssss!) and three 12-hours shifts in a row: Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  Long days, and I'll be tired, but I'm so thrilled I won't be working nights!!  And, I'm overwhelmingly excited to begin working as a nurse.  By the time I start on the unit, it will be SIX MONTHS since I've done any nursing care, and I am readyready to get back at it!

On Wednesday and Thursday I got to spend some time with my friend Dani, and that was wonderful.  She's doing well, and I enjoy the company she offers and the time I get to spend with her children.

And, then, well, then there was yesterday.  Fuhhhhreaky Friday.

I went to Human Resources for my new company and signed my Offer Letter.  I filled out reference check information, employment screening information, all that good stuff.  I found out officially that if I don't pass NCLEX, I will not be working this job.  (I sort of knew this already, but I enjoy knowing things with certainty and now, now I know).  I found out some of the benefit package details, as well, and am overwhelmed with what I have been calling, until yesterday, my grown-up job.  I am excited!  There are things that come with this nursing position I've never had as an employee:  insurance!, paid time off!, vacation pay!, life insurance!, overtime!  These things equal a grown-up job.  Or, at least they did until I had a most welcome and severely humbling conversation yesterday.

Here's the lesson I am learning:  a deeper understanding of Step 3.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

So, I have a new Employer.  And this previous idea of grown-up job is completely FALSE.  For the past three years, I've been exclusively working as a nanny.  I've been able to earn enough money to live a full and rewarding life.  I've supported myself while I've been in school, and what a gift I've been able to care for children, and be of ultimate assistance to families in my community.  I heard yesterday: a grown up job is something you would do for free or for fun.  I would (and do!) my job for free and for fun!

Now, I'm employed as a Nurse and am working in a profession where compensation and a benefit package are par for my course.  Would I do nursing for free and for fun?? YES!  (Mind you, I have for the past two years during clinical experience in the various hospitals in my town).

The blessing of the lesson I'm learning is that God is my Employer.  God "provides what I need when I keep close to him and perform his work well."  I believe this fully!  I want to see what I can contribute fully to this life!  Regardless of what my benefit package is.  More on this lesson, I'm sure, but I am blown away by this awareness, and excited to stop devaluing myself for only working in childcare these past three years.  What an honor to care for other's children, to do a great job at it, and to be reminded whatever work I do, I get to do it for God.  Every bit of it.  Nursing, childcare, the dishes, all of it.  For God.

So, that was my morning lesson yesterday.  I went to a local coffee shop and participated in the Eckhart Tolle book study, went to leave, and couldn't find my keys.  Um.  I don't lose my keys.  I looked everywhere.  I went up and down the block, asked every business to see if someone had turned in my keys, I phoned my roadside assistance, and a locksmith was en route to open my car to hopefully find my keys--maybe they're in my car?? Tow truck comes, unlocks my car, keys are not in it. So, roadside assistance offers I get another tow truck to come, tow me to Prescott Honda, and I paid $109 for a new key.  Yep.  One hundred nine dollars.  for a key.  


I was a blob of buzzed out mess--after my morning of discovery regarding employment and worth, I lost my keys.  I had to pay money that was allotted for other things (oh well!) and thank goodness my roommate was kind enough to make a copy of his house key and bring it to me while I sat in the showroom of Prescott Honda and studied for NCLEX, waiting for my new key to be programmed.  


Holy Moly, Freaky Friday!

The entire day I had planned blew up to be not that at all when I couldn't find my keys to leave Cuppers.  What does all this mean?  Do I need to slow down?  Do I need not be on the phone talking about worth, employment and God while driving?  um....probably.

Last night, I treated myself to quiet.  Much needed and enjoyed quiet.  I watched Greenberg, which I don't recommend. And I watched A Single Man, which I HIGHLY recommend.  A movie night? With NCLEX looming in just six days?  Yep!  I neeeeeded it.

Today has been fabulously calm.  I woke well rested and caught up on some business I unfortunately neglected with my long hours this week.  I went to the farmer's market and got yummy eggplant and kale from Whipstone Farm, and some amazing vegan tamales.  I have another overnight shift tonight with four kiddos.  Whoa.  Grateful, and looking forward to earning enough tonight to pay for the week ahead.  And, study study study.

Gosh, what a week!  I'm ripe with awareness and learning, and feeling surprisingly calm about Thursday.  My job and my profession are contingent on Thursday morning at 8am and I am calm.  Thank you, God.

I hope this week ahead can continue with calm, and I don't lose any more things of value....Especially my serenity.  Most importantly, my serenity.

Happy Saturday!

You’ll give it a shot.

Some delicious goodness this morning via a new blog I've found through another new blog I've found. First found Yes and Yes (via Kaelah B's blog) and she sent me over to Daily Pep Talk. I love when the blog world makes this small world even smaller.

And, I especially love being sent uplifting, applicable goodness for me to consider today. Believe me, after you hear about my day yesterday, you'll understand what I mean.

You’ll give it a shot.

proud of my friends.

I have some very talented friends.
Give a listen to their latest endeavor:

Reminder from God (v.2)

Today's Reminder from God is awesome given last night's events.
I'm tired, and wow-ed!  And, yet, totally calm, too.
That feels lovely.

Nothing is by chance. No detail is forgotten in My Plans for you. 

I don't know that I'll disclose much but just wanted to put out there the beauty that nothing is by chance. 

On a blog note:  when I view this blog, the header is no longer clear and crisp; it's blurry.  Is it blurry for you, too?
Thanks for the input, and Have a super Wednesday!
No Detail is Forgotten...

all things french

currently on repeat.
so i can practice my french and be a beautiful darling like Carla Bruni
Goodnight, world.
Good morning, France.  See you in the Summer.

EXCITED!

Today's Daily Reflections got me so so so excited.
I am so ready for the miracle of working a thorough and complete 9th Step.  Things in my life are already propelling me forward--people from my past becoming part of my present so I can do as the 8th step suggests, and to quote the AA 12&12

...having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know. (emphasis mine).  

I have a deep, core excitement about allowing God to govern my life on this level and truly reveal to me what it look like to have the best possible relations with every human being we know.  On that note, I want to share the Daily Reflections for today.  It just makes me so excited about living this 12 Step life, having a program of recovery that has completely changed changed my life, and allowing myself to be in Partnership with a Power Greater than Myself.

Good judgement, a careful sense of timing, courage and prudence – these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Page 83

To make amends can be viewed two ways: first, that of repairing damage, for if I have damaged my neighbor’s fence, I “make a mend,” and that is a direct amend; the second way is by modifying my behavior, for if my actions have harmed someone, I make a daily effort to cause no further harm. I “mend my ways,” and that is an indirect amend. Which is the best approach? The only right approach, provided that I am causing no further harm in so doing, is to do both. If harm is done, then I simply “mend my ways.” To take action in this manner assures me of making honest amends

These past relationships coming into my life are such a gift--I am being given the opportunity to "mend my ways."  I get to show up in the best possible way to have the best possible relations with every human being.  And that means the human beings in my past where the relationship didn't end as gracefully or sweetly as I would have liked.  (Though, on that note, do relationships ever end gracefully?? And, then, I'm reminded of Nate, and yes! Relationships can end gracefully!!)

Feeling grateful today, ready to embark on this adventure of serious action step-work and doing some NCLEX practice questions over and over and over and over again.....


Happy Monday.

Eckhart Tolle (v.1)

I've had A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle for a few years now, and just figured I couldn't really get into it because of the rigorous reading requirements of nursing school.  I have a couple friends that have been studying this book and I asked them recently if they would be interested in meeting to do a book study--selfishly, so I can actually start studying this intriguing book, and altruistically, because I really like book studies with these women!

Friday marked our first meeting, and with A New Earth I've only been able to get 60 pages in!  I've tried reading it three times!  Three times!  And each time I get sidetracked and stop around page 60....So, I'm super thrilled to begin this book in the way we are.  One of the members is going to pick a topic and we'll read on the topic and talk about it.  Very casual.

The topic chosen was Conscious Suffering and Conscious Parenting.  I about floored when I walked into the meeting--I was a bit late because of my schedule, and feeling an overwhelming sadness regarding my friend in surgery.

Here is what we read:

If you have young children, give them help, guidance, and protection to the best of your ability, but even more important, give them space--space to be.  They come into this world through you, but they are not 'yours.'  The belief "I know what's best for you" may be true when they are very young, but the older they get, the less true it becomes.  The more expectations you have of how their life should unfold, the more you are in your mind instead of being present for them.  Eventually, they will make mistakes, and they will experience some form of suffering, as all humans do.  In fact, they may be mistakes only from your perspective.  What to you is a mistake may be exactly what your children need to do or experience.  Give them as much help and guidance as you can, but realize that you may also at times have to allow them to make mistakes, especially as they begin to reach adulthood.  At times, you may also have to allow them to suffer.  Suffering may come to them out of the blue or it may come as the consequence of their own mistakes. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could spare them from all suffering?  No, it wouldn't.  They would not evolve as human beings and would remain shallow, identified with the external form of things.  Suffering drives you deeper.  The paradox is that suffering is caused by identification with form and erodes identification with form.  A lot is caused by the ego, although eventually suffering destroys the ego--but not until you suffer consciously.  

Formless attention is inseparable from the dimension of Being.  How does it work?

As you look at, listen to, touch or help your child with this or that, you are alert, still, completely present, not wanting anything other than that moment as it is.  In this way, you make room for Being.  In that moment, if you are present, you are not a father or mother.  You are the alertness, the stillness, the Presence that is listening, looking, touching, even speaking.  You are the Being behind the doing.  

These paragraphs are so ripe with tangents and thoughts.  I love what Mr. Tolle says about suffering--that it is not avoidable.  In 12 Step rooms, I hear often, "Pain isn't option, but suffering is."  And, in some cases I believe that statement.  It is up to me to not suffer because of the pain that is bringing about change.  Pain is the catalyst for my change, and I'm grateful for the awareness.  In Mr. Tolle's language, I believe the awareness that pain brings about discomfort so I may begin to change what is causing me pain is 'Conscious Suffering.'

I appreciate so much the essence of Being, especially as it relates to parenting.  I spend a lot of time with children, and hope one day to have my own (God willing!)  I sincerely appreciate the reminder that in the moments I am the Being, the essence of who I am, and I let go of all else, I'm truly showing up for the children with whom I keep company.

I hope your weekend is blessed!