reminders from god (part three)

The Two Listeners greeted me with the following this morning:

"Allow nothing to disturb your calm heart with Me. Stop all work until this is restored. Do not let those about you spoil your peace of heart and mind."

I want to crawl under a blanket and cry relief my Higher Power is with me at all times. I am participating in behaviors that are compromising my state of mind, and when my state of mind is not functioning at it's normal 'high level of insanity' I am confused, lost, uncertain. I guess really, there are no mistakes. It is hard to acknowledge when I feel I am mistake after mistake after mistake.

How do I learn and believe and trust wholeheartedly there is good in me? Is it fully my Higher Power's job and it will come when I'm entirely ready to believe there is a blessed creature within me? Why is this my challenge...the root core of all hurt is I'm not good enough. I'm not 'right' enough. I'm most definitely not 'perfect' enough. If I continue to live in this manner, I will encircle around me all the negative, I won't be able to breathe, and I will succumb to desperation and hopelessness. And, perhaps, that is the point...To be entirely desperate and hopeless to actually let my Higher Power in.

For today, I am going to stop at nothing to alleviate my hurting heart. I am going to allow God into my heart. God is going to restore me to peace, love and sanity. I will strive for serenity today.

Glorious Mondays....



ps...On a really good note, I got my copy of Geek Love from the library again. I was nearly done and had to return it on it's due date---someone else wanted it badly, too...it was on hold!---The library system in Prescott is great, tho', and my next requested copy was in my hands in three short days. Excited to finish it up. The new David Sedaris is waiting patiently for me, as is book three in my favorite vampire/werewolf trilogy. Ooooh! And, get this! itunes was giving away The Alchemist on audio FOR FREEEEEE! So excited to have an audio book to listen to!! Been a long time since I've been able to treat myself to something so fun...Read by Jeremy Irons, too....wow. Lucky girl.

oh, and psst....School's going great. It's demanding on my schedule but the material is very manageable and I feel like I'm learning to nurse. Very exciting stuff.

new music...it just sort of hit me upside the head.

Totally Mind Blown.

"Messages" was the last song to one of the Weeds episodes I was indulging in, and wow. I immediately HAD to know who was singing to me, and why on earth had I not heard of this artist before!

Imagine Jack Johnson & Ben Harper & Ben Lee playing the didgeridoo and jamming out without shoes on. Well, there ya go. A nice 'summed' up version of this goodness that is Xavier Rudd. But you know what? He's better than that.

Right on!

I love new tunes!!

Oh! And, It's the Fourth of July. Go America. I spent the day enjoying more rain with the windows and doors open, reading Geek Love and watching Californication. I have been enjoying all this fabulous self time. It is soooo right on. Go Layla.

just when i want to throw in the towel....

Reminders from God (part two)

Never lose sight of the glorious work to which you have been called. Let no riches entice you from the path of miracle-working with Me.

See the photo?
That's what I want to be doing. Laying in bed with Sonja, reading books and relaxing. I don't want to do this work stuff that God has called of me. I don't want to participate. I just don't.

Thankfully.
It's 10.37pm.
And I get to go to bed.
And, tomorrow is quite busy. And, I have a babe that I love, who reminds me to stay present with the task at hand. So, for tonight, I pout. I grunt. I am disgruntled. I feel aware of the glorious work before me, and quite aware and how much I am disinclined to participate.

Phew.

awake at night with vampires and werewolves...

I did it.

Finished the Second Book of the Twilight series in record time...

New Moon

by

Stephenie Meyer

I read the reviews of this book before I cracked it open and was apprehensive I wasn't going to be as pleased as I was with Twilight. False. This book was better than the first. That's right, folks. And there wasn't even any boinking! So much hand holding, so much looking with longing....far too much 'ohmygod, I'm going to die without him' talk, but you know what? This book is great!

I loved Bella's struggle. I loved how much I related to it. I loved the difference between Jacob & Edward. The hot and the cold. The difference in the creatures they become. The bond of family. The strength of love. There is such a creativity to this story, and it is exciting. I am so thrilled I have two more books left!!

I have the third, on my bookshelf waiting to be read. I also have seven chapters of Nursing Assistant text book to be read as well. So....Eclipse is going to wait.

READ THESE BOOKS.

Tell me what you think.

ps...

on a weather note...it rained today. Our third day (inconsecutive) of summer monsoon rain. I turned off the a/c in the house, opened the windows and let the air and rain and the thunder and the cool come right on in. I'm sticky as all hell right now. it sort of stopped raining so now it's 93% humid and man....ewwww. but i love it.

i love arizona. i love the summer here. (it's been a ridiculously mild summer to those of the past...OR...maybe i'm blissed out b/c the new house has central air...) whatever the case, this summer desert rain has been amazing, and i'm so thrilled to have today to enjoy it.

pss...

had my first panic attack in probably eight months yesterday. i feel sort of hungover from it. i'm VERY glad I don't work today, and I'm very thankful I could sleep off the clonopin and relax and read and get back into my own skin. I didn't go to a meeting today, intentionally. I am afraid of what that means, but also know the idea of going was very adverse...so I went with it. I struggle with what that means, exactly. But...I get to do the best I can, even if I think I can do better; I get to understand that my best sometimes looks worse than I think it should and that gets to be okay.

psssst.

growth is hard. but reading is fun. Go get the Twilight series!

xoxoxoxo

movies movies movies part one. **itty bitty spoiler alert!**

Let's start with last month, shall we??

Ahhhh....the ladies of Sex & The City! Oh how I love them!!! The movie was RIDICULOUSLY long....but it needed to be to tie together all those loose ends and make everyone happy in the end. Having been engaged for sooooo long, the movie ignited memories of Macallie & My's engagement and how fun fun fun being engaged really is.... There were some HILARIOUS moments in the movie, and I loved Carrie's depression (sorry for the spoiler!!) in a very honest, oh, yes, that is how it really is!! Feel Good Movie....

And how much do I LOVE netflix??!? OH....i love it soooo!

I'm Not There.

BLEW MY MIND.

I watched it in phases...half one night and the other half after some pretty intense self work and was soooo impressed by this wonderful message:

"All I can do is be me...whoever that is"

Bob Dylan is amazing. And, this movie really really really is equal parts fiction & reality and I loved it. I'm going to own this movie AND this soundtrack. The My Morning Jacket performance in the film is BEYOND AMAZING....I can't do it justice with words.

so I will do it justice with this picture. mmmmm....love him.

Back to the theatre for this one:

I don't really know what Happened. And it's called The Happening. That is all I'll say about this one.

More netflix love:

I love this show. It makes me high without having to smoke, thank goodness. Anything this crazy and insane has to be a show about drugs. And I think Mary Louise Parker is milk and honey and gorgeousness all over my face. Love her.

Natalie Portman as a bad girl. Loved it. Macallie and I watched this together, and he actually like it! First time in a long time that we watched a movie together that he liked! it was a good film, well done. The precursor to Elizabeth on all counts....

So that's it....School starts in one week, so I don't know how much writing I'll get to have time to do, but hoping I will still make it a priority. I love entertainment, and how much what I'm watching really does influence me...I feel really blessed to have insight and to see things in a different way.

God is Good.

And Awesome and Fun and Cool....

booya.

Books Books Books....I Can't Stop!!!

Blubber by Judy Blume

After moving, Macallie was 'in charge' of unpacking my book shelf. I had no idea how anal or controlling I was about how my book shelf looked!! He did it all wrong!! At the same time, I was given an assignment to let Macallie decorate the house as he sees fit and not try to control his way of doing things. Okay. Fine.

The book shelf has stayed the same way since April 3rd. I am grateful he had the time to unpack my books, as with school I did not. I am grateful for him in my life. In so many fabulous and surprising ways. I am going to marry him and I feel very happy about this knowledge and awareness of his role in my life, my role in his.

So...why Blubber?

Well....the way he unpacked my books brought this book to the forefront, and I remember really liking it when I was 8 or 9. So, a quick re-read.

And,

It's a perfect book for fifth graders.

28-year-old sixteenth graders?

Well...

Let's see...

Do I act out of fear to save myself, or at least my perception of myself? Do I judge others based on appearance? Do I want everyone to like me and not make fun of me? Do I act self-centeredly to prevent any feeling of discomfort or inadequacy?

And the answer? Yes. I do those things. Just like the ten-year old fifth graders in the story.

I guess I didn't realize the higher points of the story until right now, and I'm really glad I read it again. I believe God puts the right books in my life at the right time, and God also provides the time for me to read these books.

I am so grateful.

happy summer day....

It's Summer Time...yet more books...

Twilight

by 

Stephenie Meyer

I was recommended this book by one of my families.  The mom asked if I liked romance novels.

"Um....not really..." I said.

Thinking she was referring to Danielle Steele or Nora Roberts, something from the 'Most Popular' section of Costco's discount book rack.  

Then, she showed me the cover of the book.  

Definitely intrigued.  

She said this much about it, "It's a teen love story about vampires."

Okay.  I'm in.  

I have just bought into the biggest teen sensation...I at first felt agasp!! How did I not know about this book? And they're even making a movie of it?? (Google is sooooooo helpful!)

I did acknowledge that in most parts popular culture I am not as up to speed as I once was.  Eliminate cable television from one's life, and BAM!  Ignorance does become bliss...

So...

back to the book. 

Bought it on Tuesday night. Finished it begrudgingly Friday night. (Finishing it was definitely more 'okay' knowing it was a series and I could quickly run to Barnes & Noble or amazon.com to get the next in the four-book series.)

A few things:

1)  It's a teen love story.  I was waiting for the boinking, the bumping, the humping...it was so suspenseful and anticipatory!!  Where was the get-it-on action??  It wasn't there. I had to remind myself this PG-rated story is going to give me just kisses...sweet, lovely kisses.  I also was ovulating during the reading of the great story, so my desire for fuzzy bumping was probably due to my own hormonal surge...(just a thought...)

2) It's a pretty mild vampire story.  Not once was there mention of fangs...

3) A FAST FAST FAST EASY READ.  I was hooked by the first page and totally into it.  I couldn't put it down...And when I wasn't reading it, I was thinking of it...It was a movie playing in my head and I'd read well into the one a.m. hour each night.  

4) At the end, I couldn't tolerate the "I can't live without you, Edward." talk.  It was nauseating.  My own codependence was barfing at the seventeen year old girl falling so hard for her vampire boyfriend.  Blech.  

5) That last blurp is pretty harsh....it is a teen love story...I fell PRETTY HARD for my first love.  MW are you out there??!?  Imagine if he were a vampire!

Those are my thoughts about this great read.  I am definitely going to finish the others in the series.  They're far too intriguing to not buy into...And, well, if I can attempt to be up to speed with popular culture, I'll take it!  

Other summer reads I'm excited about:

Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

Blubber by Judy Blume (a reread)

The Cider House Rules by John Irving (again, a reread)

Any other ideas about great summer reads?? Let me know...I'd be happy for the suggestions!

Lovely love, 

L

If I Could Read All The Books in the World...

I used to impersonate Reading Rainbow when I was a kid...I would sit in front of the mirror and do book reports of the most recent chapter book I read. I was so proud! Reading was so much fun and I loved Lavar Burton and that fun show on PBS...all about reading!!

In about 2000, I challenged myself, since I was no longer in academia, to read. Read as much as school would charge you to read.

It didn't work. I read...but not near enough. I always feel I'm not reading enough. (Perfectionism much?!?)

But...what did work is I have kept a detailed log of the books I've read since 2000...And, I love doing it. I love looking back on my log and seeing all the stories that have thrilled me for a near decade!!


Now, I have a new venue for writing my book reports...
(it should also be noted that since our move in April, I can't find the most awesome journal I had been using for this endeavor! and it feels really awkward to finish a book and NOT write about it...)

So, I start:

Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year
by
Anne Lamott


Mind Blowing. If I owned this copy it would highlighted and dog-eared. Instead, I have to return it to Leta in quality condition...So, my journal is filled with quotes and my mind hearing Ms. Lamott's wisdom. Exceptional writing--really reads as a journal...the Prologue her complete uncertainty and confusion if having a baby is 'right' but she is told as well as once can by God that this baby is hers to have. I love Lamott's complete devotion and unbelievable struggle to trust God all in the same breath. Knowing what I do now of recovery and possibility and trust in God myself was so reaffirmed by reading this book. Also, even tho' I'm not a mother, doing what I do for work is very very close...I loved her frustration and love...these simultaneous emotions, these god-awful confusing feelings that consume her role as new mother.

I think Lamott is a writer anyone interested in spirituality should read. Her writing is honest and surprising. I specifically love the distaste she has for the First President Bush and how this book was written nearly 20 years ago...yet now, there is such a similar political climate. Powerful reading...motivating to change lives...motivating to be a parent with complete trust in God...trusting in God seems to be the only tool I will consistently need for my own children.

Anne Lamott rules.

Reminders From God (part one)

My igoogle page has this gadget called "Reminders from God." Every day it changes and it coincides with readings from God Calling by the Two Listeners. Each day the readings are really powerful and enlightening. Today's was most poingnant:


"Rest more with Me. Alone, away from noise and activity, from these times you come forth filled with Spirit."

Today was a big day. I had the option to work and chose not to. It was more important I have a day filled with ME. A day for ME. It's been a while since I had the opportunity to just sit and do things that are important to my calm, my quiet, my serene state of mind, and today proved to be one of those days.

When I opened my home page and saw the listeners telling me God found my quiet day admirable I was immediately validated.

It is amazing when I open myself to validation from God how quickly it comes...how willingness and reception are directly proportional.

I am very lucky. I am very blessed.
I am grateful and excited about listening to what my Higher Power says.

Glorious.

dreams, like a movie keeping me awake!

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