The Two Listeners greeted me with the following this morning:
"Allow nothing to disturb your calm heart with Me. Stop all work until this is restored. Do not let those about you spoil your peace of heart and mind."
I want to crawl under a blanket and cry relief my Higher Power is with me at all times. I am participating in behaviors that are compromising my state of mind, and when my state of mind is not functioning at it's normal 'high level of insanity' I am confused, lost, uncertain. I guess really, there are no mistakes. It is hard to acknowledge when I feel I am mistake after mistake after mistake.
How do I learn and believe and trust wholeheartedly there is good in me? Is it fully my Higher Power's job and it will come when I'm entirely ready to believe there is a blessed creature within me? Why is this my challenge...the root core of all hurt is I'm not good enough. I'm not 'right' enough. I'm most definitely not 'perfect' enough. If I continue to live in this manner, I will encircle around me all the negative, I won't be able to breathe, and I will succumb to desperation and hopelessness. And, perhaps, that is the point...To be entirely desperate and hopeless to actually let my Higher Power in.
For today, I am going to stop at nothing to alleviate my hurting heart. I am going to allow God into my heart. God is going to restore me to peace, love and sanity. I will strive for serenity today.
ps...On a really good note, I got my copy of Geek Love from the library again. I was nearly done and had to return it on it's due date---someone else wanted it badly, too...it was on hold!---The library system in Prescott is great, tho', and my next requested copy was in my hands in three short days. Excited to finish it up. The new David Sedaris is waiting patiently for me, as is book three in my favorite vampire/werewolf trilogy. Ooooh! And, get this! itunes was giving away The Alchemist on audio FOR FREEEEEE! So excited to have an audio book to listen to!! Been a long time since I've been able to treat myself to something so fun...Read by Jeremy Irons, too....wow. Lucky girl.
oh, and psst....School's going great. It's demanding on my schedule but the material is very manageable and I feel like I'm learning to nurse. Very exciting stuff.