Hi there BloggerLand!
Oh, it has been soooooo long.
I've been busy.
Since my last post, my gramma died, nursing school started, Macallie & I started therapy and promptly broke up a quick four weeks later. Macallie moved out. We fought a lot, made up a little bit, and now we're on somewhat surprising terms: possible friendship and even a little bit of civility. It's nice.
Now, my birthday is a short five days away. I'll be entering my 30th year on this planet, which is a fancy way of saying that I have one more year of my twenties and am not yet as cool as all my older friends entering that world of the thirties. I will indeed be just 29.
With all this change, I'm in the mood for some serious reflection, and in need of an outlet to express all this internal chaos....Welcome back, Lily Potter Mansfield, from Manchester, NH. (My stage name...it worked really well in Vegas last summer when I was getting hit on by all these older dudes. Wow. I am so gooood at lying.)
Now, for some of my lessons learned.
1) I am a control f.r.e.a.k. I have this issue with needing to be in charge, in the know, aware (but sooo not in the good sense), up to speed, in the dish about everything. When it came to Macallie, I had to know what he was doing, where he was going, why he wasn't home, who he was with, who's calling him, where did all his money go? Yes. This was me. This was horrifying to realize upon retreat from the relationship--that I was engaged to a person I didn't trust able to manage his own life so I had to take it upon myself to manage it for him. Very hard to realize. Also, in this realization, it became obviously clear that my safety somehow was linked to how in control I was. Some sub-category lessons I've learned on this subject:
a) There are three inherent instincts we are all trying to maintain as humans.
our sexual relationships
our social relationships
& our security.
b) I have somehow linked my security instinct with this illustrious illusion and perception of control.
Another thing I've noticed about this control thing....if I don't have a dude in my life to somehow micromanage, I'll find the littlest things upon which to put my magic control touch.
Are you ready to hear about my insanity?
Well. Too bad. I'm not ready to divulge.
Ha. Just kidding.
Some things I do: I recycle my dishes. Now, I don't mean that I'm a good girl and recycle the glass plates or mugs if they break. No. I mean that if I used a plate then I put the plate, once clean, under the stack of clean plates so it won't be used all the time. Yes. I am admitting my obsessive insanity.
Also, I compulsively organize my netflix queue. For no other reason then it's something tangible to organize and be in control of. I don't even know what movie is coming next; I do know that it is fairly organized and is the movie the list is going to send me. Ohmygod. I am sort of, well, not that embarrassed because I'm getting this all out, but this is the real me.
It is becoming deliciously obvious to me why I am not in a relationship anymore. And, I've only started with control.
2) I am a professional procrastinator. On that matter of instinctual security, I feel safe when I feel the impending doom of what needs to be done and how incapable I am to do it all. It makes no sense to me this need to not do, but to just sit and ponder all that needs to be done. It is a safety to go right into old Layla behavior and explain explain explain how fabulously unique I am to not complete the tasks that are before me to do. I chose to be a student. I am terminally reminded that October is just a really tough month for me and it's hard to accept where I'm at because right now it's just not the perfect place to be. With this understanding, I chose to accept myself as not a perfect human. And, at times like these it's hard to accept....Very wordy sentences to say this: I need to just get some homework done and I know I'll feel better. I'm finding that I'm putting things off to the ever present 'tomorrow' and I'm wondering when tomorrow is going to get here. This idea of tomorrow is spanning more than just the understood calendar day.
3) I am a hopeful faithful little bugger. I have developed this ultimate amazing wonderful relationship with this great and powerful huge force in my life I sometimes call God and sometimes call Hugh Patterson. I get stuck on pronouns when it comes to talking about g-d (how my sweet Jewish friends refer to the power) and I don't know if this energy force is a dude or a cool girl or just this force. So, I find myself often referring to my higher power and HP (hence the Hugh Patterson and often times, the male pronouns get used.)
All that talk for this: God is doing for me what I can't do for myself. And, I see this daily. It is such a blessing to be in relationship with this powerful god of mine. It is amazing. I am sleeping better than I have since I moved to this house (April). That is god doing for me what I cannot do.
I am NOT in control of my sleep, I have recently discovered. I am aware of my procrastination and control tendencies and only slightly allowing these awareness to put a dent in my growing esteem and worth--that is god doing for me what I can't do for myself.
I normally would be under the covers lamenting my worthlessness and become a swirl of isolation, still not doing anything about the impending things I need to get done. Now, I am not doing the things I need to get done, and noticing my control, but there's this peace about it all. Very weird. And very divinely god giving me a little push to take it easy on myself and love what I am, cause oh great Popeye, "I am what I am."
4) My mom googled me, and this blog came up. And, she read it. And, it scared me. Here's a little god thing, though: I didn't run to this site and see if I wrote anything about her. Ha! I love that!! I still haven't even looked. I guess my safety isn't totally completely wrapped up in what others think of me.
5) Since breaking up with Macallie, I haven't once been interested in being with another dude. Well, I take that back. For the first week or so, I was super interested in this great idea of a guy....and g-d sort of woke me up to how important being single is for me right now. I am totally amazingly grateful for god's time for my life. I am blessed to not be in the relationship I was just in. I am a little lonely but at night when that loneliness creeps in I remember how well I've been sleeping and how if I were still in that relationship, I wouldn't be sleeping well, and I would be marinating all over the place about someone else's behavior, instead of looking at all my own stuff....
I have a lot of stuff to look at. I am a glorious woman creature. I have loads of good qualities...divinely and wonderfully, g-d created me with these wonderful defects, shortcomings, faults, *bad* qualities to look at and be aware of....I'm very grateful for this process of growing and understanding where I'm at. I'm really happy to be single. I'm happy to be giving poor Macallie a break. I'm happy to be giving myself a break, too. I'm amazingly happy despite all this stress, grief, and loneliness that could easily permeate my every breath. And, while writing that last statement joyous how well god does for me what I cannot do for myself.
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