Today, I guess.
I"m sitting here with a snow draped view out my window, and my cuddly Sonja girl purring away. I have a pretty mellow day of work ahead with a little guy coming to my house for a couple hours and then the Love girls this evening. In between, I get to visit the esthetician and get to the gym.
I have yet to decide what I'm doing tomorrow or Friday. I have some for sure things coming up: tomorrow, breakfast with Becky before she leaves on her grand adventure. I'd like to get to Unity Church's Christmas Gathering Thursday night, and Friday I'm leading the noon meeting. A few of the families I work for have invited me to their homes for the holiday and I feel so honored and blessed for the invitation--yet not sure at all what I'm going to do yet. It's a strange place to be.
I want to make Vegan Almond Biscotti today, found the recipe here. And, after that, just not sure. I've been sitting on a lot of deep thought these past few weeks, and you know, I'm super tired of what my mind's got going on. I want to take a break from thinking about everything, and analyzing everything.
I was journaling yesterday and hit this crazy thought: that maybe the only reason I pursue step 3 was to get what I want...It was a humbling realization. Step 3 says, 'Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.' When I thought about it all, I just got slapped in the face with my selfishness, how I want the things I want, I want to feel good and I feel that's a deserved...that God will provide GOOD for my life.
Feeling different these past weeks has woken me up a bit:
First to anger at God for not giving me what I want.
Then, to realize that maybe it's not about what I want. Maybe, there's a bigger picture here. I know the stock program answer is to say my focus and goal with recovery and step 3 is to be of service. I don't feel that in my core right now. I'm not sure if being of service is my goal. I'm ready to feel that, and am open to the miracle God will provide for me to get there. But, for now, I'm still sitting with a dunce cap on in the God class---amazed with myself I figured out I was doing the third step so selfishly.
I read this yesterday, it helped immensely.
From Each Day A New Beginning
'When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.'
--Ursula K. LeGuin
Sometimes we need to turn away from what's troubling us. Turn it over, says the Third Step. Hanging onto a situation for which no solution is immediately apparent, only exaggerates the situation. It is often said the solution to any problem lies within it. However, turning the problem over and over in our minds keeps our attention on the outer appearance, not the inner solution.
Rest, meditation, quiet attention to other matters, other persons opens the way for God to reveal the solution. Every problem can be resolved. And no answer is ever withheld for long. We need to be open to it, though. We need to step away from our ego, outside of the problem and then listen fully to the words of friends, to the words that rise from our own hearts. Too much thinking, incessant analyzing, will keep any problem a problem.
I will rest from my thoughts. I will give my attention wholly to the present. Therein will come the solution, and when least expected.
I am amazed how powerful the daily readers are, and how they absolutely give to me what I need to hear. I was in such a space yesterday and to be reminded that Faith and Trust are key, and answers will come. And, even the ANSWERS won't look how I want them to. They just never do. My wants feel so minuscule and ineffectual right now.
I'm off to have a great day, anyway.