one last thought

Part of my daily prayer routine/habit/communion with God is to ask that God direct my thinking, especially that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives.  Also, I ask that God will give me an intuitive thought, action or decision.

The Big Book says regarding Step 11, Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out, that as far as intuition goes

We relax and take it easy.  We don't struggle.  We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.  What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind.  Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times.  We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas.  Nevertheless, we find that our thinking, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration.  We come to rely on it. (The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86 -87)

Tonight, after the third (fourth?) time crying and being frustrated, a thought occurred to me.  Maybe I can email my instructor about taking my exam on Monday instead of Thursday??  Is that okay, do you think??  I sent the email.

I'm completely underprepared for Thursday's exam.  I have three lectures to watch, reading to do, just the whole shebang.  And, yes.  I can caffeinate NOW and not sleep until 5p Thursday when I would be required to take the exam.

I got an email back saying Monday would be an okay day for me to take the exam.  Yep.  More tears.  (fifth or sixth time today?)

I instantly thought of this passage in the Big Book---how praying for inspiration, an intuitive thought, or decision serves me....I get to ask for for Help.  God is on my side in this thing.....

And, Gosh...you know...even if my instructor had said, 'no,' I absolutely trust I would have been given the strength to do what I need to do by Thursday, too.

I trust.  I absolutely trust.
And, I will continue my prayer practice.....

My heart is so full of gratitude it spills out my eyes and tastes of saline.