fatigue makes cowards of us all.

Spring Break has officially started.  I am a fan of the Spring Break.  A week holiday in the middle of Spring Semester??? Yes, Please.  Spring Break 1999 I spent gallivanting Cambridge and Boston, Massachusetts. Spring Break 2008 was spent in Cambria and San Francisco, California.  2009?  Oahu, Hawai'i.
2010?
Prescott, Arizona.
Working.
My.
Exhausting.
Preceptorship.

I chose this.  Or, rather, I was willing for this experience.  December 7, 2009 I turned in a form to my instructor letting her know I'd be willing do my preceptorship concurrently with my course load my last semester of school---this is usually not the case.  Usually we do our courses, then have four weeks in April-May to finish our preceptorship without the mess of having to study for exams, do papers and projects during this last stretch of semester.  So, things are busier for me.  I was willing and this is God's plan for me.

This does not mean I will be happy or able or accepting of my current situation.

Yesterday I was so tired.  I was so so so so tired.  I did NOT want to go into the hospital.  Friday night's shift was super busy with a little growth curve lesson thrown my way and I had some pride to swallow.  I had a thought during Friday's shift when I was so frustrated by all the paperwork we have to do that 'Frig This! I don't want to be a nurse!  There's too much paper work!!'  (That's right, Layla.  Good reason to quit now.  It did remind me of the my thoughts back in September when I was too nervous to hang blood for a transfusion because there were too many steps involved and I really did think:  I'll have to always get someone to do this for me.  The same thought applies here, I think.  I have to break down before I can start accepting the way things are.)

I did a good thing yesterday, amidst my fatigue.  I reached out.

Thank you, Nate.  You reminded me my strength lies in a beautiful space that is bigger and more quiet than I am.  When I got still, the tears came.  With the tears, the gratitude came, and I didn't feel so helpless or in need of giving up.

Charlsie.  Oh Thank You.  Your seven minute conversation supporting my education efforts was huge!  You reminded me how rewarding this profession is and that dedication and hard work mean I DON'T GIVE UP.  It's like everything I want to succeed at---I don't give up.  Tenacity does not imply ease.

And, to my instructor, Sally.  Thank you.  I left a most frantic tear-filled message for you about how I want to quit school (agasp! with three weeks left!) and I needed to talk about this stress and these feelings.  You called me back and left me a dear message in return, reminding me that I am not a Lost Cause, this is NORMAL, and I'm okay!  You said that 'Fatigue makes cowards of us all.'  When weary, we become afraid.  I've become weary.  And, I was afraid.

All this amazing support and help!!  I went to the hospital for my shift last night and it was phenomenal.  I assisted with a pretty serious delivery.  It was a huge learning experience and I was also able to express myself to the nurse I work with---I told her how I wanted to give up this school thing because it's hard, and really, I haven't finished a whole lot educationally.  She understood and was so very supportive.

Fatigue does make me a coward.  I am more fearful when I'm tired.  I'm more aware of my shortcomings and my vulnerability.  I am more aware of my humanity when I'm vulnerable.  The good news to this, though, is through my cowardice, I'm afforded courage.  Isn't Courage Fear that has said its Prayers?  Can I be fearful and prayerful at the same time?  Can I trust this process, be willing and participatory?

I am being made, here.  A friend posted on her facebook status a year or more ago while she was going through a pretty physical training: This is what dedication feels like.

I may be tired, but this is what dedication feels like.

16 and Pregnant. A Rant.

I am disgusted.  And, I can't look away.  I am housesitting for sweet Rosie this weekend and the hugely giant high definition flat screen is playing 16 and Pregnant on MTV.  Why am I watching this show???  Well, of the seven thousand channels, this was the only show that looked remotely entertaining while I prep dinner and get ready for tonight's shift.

OHMYGOD.  Why is MTV playing this show?  Why are they glorifying teen pregnancy?  It's on a marathon today. Episode after episode.  Are they hoping to show that pregnancy is difficult?  Are they wanting viewers to see what 'it's really like?'  Because what I'm seeing is a young girl more worried about 'pooping during delivery' than the life changing experience of bringing a life into this world.

Let me tell you something.  I've seen seven births so far. Not a lot in my blossoming career----but what I've seen there's a 80% 'poop' rate.  You're gonna poo when you push a baby out of your vagina.  That is GOOOOOD PUSHING!  We teach our patients that in order to get through that burning, crushing, horrible pain (I assume, as a nulligravida) they MUST push like they're having a bowel movement.  And you know what?  Sometimes poo comes out.  I'm just letting you all know this because MTV feels this type of 'reality' show is essential programing.  I am angry about it.

Did you know women who are pregnant under the age of 20 are more likely to experience complications in their pregnancy and mortality?  These young moms are more likely to experience maternal death, low birth weight, premature delivery, and infant death. (click here for reference information)  This is scary stuff!  We don't think of these young mom's being subject to such adverse reactions in pregnancy and labor, but it's on a par of the risks associated with Advanced Maternal Age.  Even worse in some cases!  To show these labors, deliveries and pregnancies on a show I feel is subjecting the MTV viewer population to misleading information about teen pregnancy!

This young girl is SIXTEEN FREAKING YEARS OLD. She doesn't like her boyfriend.  She doesn't like the way he treats her.  She says, "I'm glad my boyfriend is making me feel alone at this party."  Does she know no one can make her feel 'alone' without her consent?  Is she prepared for what it's going to be like to be so alone in the early stages of motherhood?  The isolating, scary aloneness that is being the only person responsible for an infant.  An infant seeking trust in this young adult person.

Gosh.  I treated a patient last night that was this same age.  She came in experiencing anxiety.  She's never experienced anxiety before and she was concerned.  It was sad.  At the same time, I'm so grateful for my own anxiety experience to sit with this young girl and let her know she's going to be okay.  (An amazing god-gift to see my own experience is of service to others. Oh glory god.)

So, I'm frustrated.  I know I'm also very tired.  The coffee is setting in, glory to god again!, and my dinner is delicious.  I played with sweet Rosie at the dog park today; we ran and played in the cool air and the sun came out to warm my face on a few occasions.

(Oh, and one more thing:  this young mom on MTV is complaining of pain during breastfeeding. "It hurts; it hurts."  It hurts because her latch isn't right.  We need some intervention here!! I do not want young women seeing this show and thinking breast feeding is painful!  (I feel I'm putting the biggest foot in my mouth around this topic as I've never breastfed, but I trust in the experience of the women I love and care for that have.  If pain is experienced, these women readjust!  They know latch is crucial to not feeling pain while breastfeeding.  I also trust in the knowledge I've been given from educated lactation consultants that nursing should not be painful, and it if is, the latch of baby MUST be adjusted.  Mom's comfort is paramount for healthy nursing of baby.))

I am off my soap box, my coffee mug is filled and I'm going to sit and be still for a bit before my shift tonight.
I want to change the world.  Goodness...God, help me be the most effective avenue for affective change.

looking forward.

in this tired moment i'm looking forward to some things:

1. at least until i find a job in my field, i will really enjoy not being this tired. nursing is tiring.  it's demanding on my body and on my heart.  after apr 1, i will enjoy the six weeks of not working in the hospital so i can sleep during the night and feel well-rested. 
2. not always answering or wanting to answer 'tired' to the question 'how are you?' 
3. when it's a gorgeous saturday outside, i will be so excited when i don't need to sleep through the sun, warmth and beauty that is Prescott in the spring.  (right now, i am so tired, i need to sleep more; it's amazing outside.  i have pangs of guilt sleep is more important than my being outside in Arizona sun.)
4. not having to do myriad nurse's notes, flow sheets, med recon sheets, assessment data sheets, labor flow sheets, baby papers, ohmygosh we double and triple chart on that freaking floor; it's so exhausting, frustrating and i do not like it!  i was near tears last night realizing i'm writing in two places the same information.  when this internship is over, i will be very thrilled for the six weeks i have between internship and graduation not having to chart on a patient's status.  
5. i am excited to be a nurse.  (huh? all this negative talk!)  i really am excited.  last night was so busy, yet i was efficient, capable and competent.  i'm a new nurse.  i'm not going to get it all in 75 hours of precepting.  it's going to take work. and this experience is prepping me for the work involved in a new grad program, and orientation on a new floor.  this is all good preparation for my career, for my life ahead. 

i have so much to look forward to.  even if i'm so tired when i look forward my eyes blur.  

happy napping, 

uh oh.

I just got a new book from the library.

And, I'm so excited about it.....I'm excited to read about new theories in parenting.  Someone asked me today, 'Why are you checking out books on parenting?' I felt so empowered to realize how important and pivotal parenting is.  (Thank you, Kate, for the recommendation.  I read the table of contents and got excited!!)

I'm not a parent yet.  I hope to be sometime in the next ten years.  That would be really great...

The cool part about the life God has given me to lead right now is I get to interact with so many wonderful, inspirational, fun, joyful, intelligent, light-giving children.  In a way, the more I can learn about being the best force in these children's lives, in addition to their already awesome parents, is going to benefit us all.  Hence, the book about parenting philosophies.  And my interest in Mothering Magazine.  And my love of seeing infants born while interning at our hospital.

When I was six, I wanted to be a paleontologist.  I loved dinosaurs so much.  Then, I found out paleontology was more about research and less about actually getting to dig up dinosaurs.  So, a few years letter I discovered I wanted to be an obstetrician.  I wanted to see babies born. I wanted to facilitate this occurrence and be around pregnant women.  I wanted to learn as much as possible about pregnancy, fertilization, conception, healthy infants.  The lot.  I was probably 10 when I realized this.  I think this is an example of God working in my life---giving me huge interest in something that has stayed with me for so long.

I've been given a gift and I'm so grateful for it.

The uh oh for the title of this post comes with the fact I have two exams next week and a paper due.  New library books are not so conducive to studying, I've found.

Happy sleeps...

keepin' it simple.

I want to quote my dear friend Emily from a sweet email recently:

Oh, I bet it's hard to work the night shift but I truly believe that when we're faced with a challenge like that and there's a finite cap on how long we have to do it, it always turns out that the allotted amount of time is exactly how long we can stand it without going insane. :)  I'm so glad you're getting hands on experience in your field and can't believe you're getting so close to reaching your goal!  Are you making sure to get some Layla time, too?  Might be too cold for hiking, but make sure you're staying healthy with wholesome food and good conversation.

These words have sustained me the past week, reminding me I'm given just enough strength to get on my knees and seek God's help through this difficult and challenging semester.  I love her eloquence:  that when I'm faced with a challenge that has a finite cap, it always turns out we're given exactly that amount of time to do the challenge without going insane.  I believe I can do this internship without going insane.

Last night was my first 12-hour shift, and it was challenging.  Given especially the hard work laboring with mom's is, and the long hours, I am blown away by my fatigue.  The sleep training, worked, though, and I didn't get tired until around 0530.  I was part of a team that took care of four newborn arrivals last night, I bathed two darling little newborns, I witnessed my first birth of a female (so far the birth's I've been at have all been little boys!) and I felt participatory and proud of the care I gave.  My sleep today was choppy.  Again.  I have started taking a natural sleep remedy when it comes time for me to sleep during the day so I can get good rest, and I'm finding that helps with the depth of my sleep, which is where my problem has been.  I feel the past two days I've been sleeping harder, which I believe contributes to more restful rest.

I also took my first exam in my last Nursing Theory class tonight, and I'll keep you posted the results of my effort.  Honestly, I know I did well. (Thank you, God!)  I understand the material and feel confident about my test taking skills (hahah---I almost wrote 'kills.'  Yes, I kill at taking exams.)  :)  And, after class a few fellow students and I went to Thai House for a most delicious meal.  I stopped on over at Raven for a latte and now, I'm having some downtime before I head back to the hospital for a 2300 - 0700 shift.

I am tired.  I don't think I got enough rest to allow me to work another shift, but I'm trusting in God's power tonight.  I have to.  I feel my head having that ucky aura feeling I get sometimes pre-migraine, so I'm just hoping I can do all in my power to stay alert, well fed, and hydrated.  Also, I am off all day tomorrow, so I'm devoting the day to rest.  Not even cracking a book tomorrow.  I might watch some videos for class, but other than that, I'm resting.  And that feels like very good dedication to taking care of Layla.

I also want to share about a little treat I purchased for my darling friend Becky and me to participate in!

I am so freaking excited.  By April 13, I'll be done with my coursework and working hard at interviewing for nursing jobs and passing NCLEX.  Thrilling, then, that I'll get to see one of my favorite band's right now, Vampire Weekend.  Oh, I just think they're the most charming lot!  

It sure is lovely to have a light at the end of this hardworking tunnel.  

Good Evening!!

xox