gratitude.

I've had a pretty awful past couple weeks.

It's been interesting---I met Nate and that has been going phenomenally.  I enjoy him a great deal.  We communicate beautifully, and he is fast becoming a dear friend, offering a sincere, kind listening ear.  Nate and I became this thing a little over two weeks ago.

I feel once he left to head back to San Diego, I crashed....The week following (last week) I spent fighting a weird stomach bug that came and went. I fought a total disinterest in my studies and finding out my test grade was the worst I've done so far in Nursing School.  Just sorta blah.

Then, this week hit.  I worked 36 hours at the hospital.  And, holy moly it was hard.  My shifts were every other day, to boot, so I didn't really acclimate to the night shift schedule.  I have been so tired. So very tired.  I cut loose a little bit Thursday night and went dancing---only to completely not get enough sleep and wake up with what I feared was Strep Throat.  (I have since rediagnosed myself as having a mild chest cold.)  I'm feeling sicky.

I've had a few break downs the past week.  Tears.  I don't want to finish school.  I want to give up.  I'm tired.  I'm so freaking tired.  If this is how nursing is going to be, I don't want any part of it.  I want to be a Professional Nanny and just play with kiddos all day long.  I will be a very capable and very well educated nanny.

And, here's the good part of all this tough stuff this week.
I am so loved.  I am so well cared for.
I got a card from my sweet friend Beth saying how proud she is of me, what a great friend I am to her, and how I can do this.  She also said these words in email.

Noriko, my roommate, continually supports my crying spells.  She takes time out to make rice for me, offers miso soup for me, pours my tea.  She does these quiet, kind acts that fill my heart with gratitude and love.  God knew what God was doing when combining us as roommates.

My friends have listened to me complain, be discouraged, and want to give up.  I am met with listening ears not trying to fix the way I feel.  I am met with friends that support where I am at and offer me words of encouragement.  I need words of encouragement now more than ever!  And, God is providing these words to me through the voices of the people I love.

I may be sick today, but God is providing me with the strength to study.

I have two exams next week, two days of Psych Clinical and two more shifts of interning.

I'm grateful for these words I've read in my studying for my Psych exam:

Anxiety is part of the human condition.  We treat anxiety with positive self-talk and reframing difficult situations

Mild anxiety can be motivating, produce growth and creativity, and increase learning.  

Comforting!  I'm studying and yet learning how to promote growth in my own crazy self right now.  What a gift!!

At 0945 there was a knock at my door.

Nate sent me flowers.  Gorgeous huge enormous beautiful Spring Flowers.  What a gift!! It's the first day of Spring, and Nate sent me get well flowers.  GRATEFUL.

It's been hard to see the silver lining of what feels like a huge black steaming shitcloud.

I am grateful, though.  It helps to remember I have a power greater than myself that will provide me strength to persevere and be diligent.  I must remember to ask for help as well.

I will get through all this.
I will graduate from nursing school.
I will be successful in my endeavors to finish the work load ahead of me.
I will take care of myself in this process.
I will 'Keep Up' as my Yogi Tea quoted to me today.
I will find time for exercise, meetings, quiet solace with my higher power, and studying.
I will enjoy the sunshine, the glorious Arizona Sunshine greeting me with its love and warmth this afternoon.
I will laugh and play.
I will remember my feelings are not facts; they're not permanent.  This too shall pass.
I will be grateful.  Even for the shitclouds.