fatigue makes cowards of us all.

Spring Break has officially started.  I am a fan of the Spring Break.  A week holiday in the middle of Spring Semester??? Yes, Please.  Spring Break 1999 I spent gallivanting Cambridge and Boston, Massachusetts. Spring Break 2008 was spent in Cambria and San Francisco, California.  2009?  Oahu, Hawai'i.
2010?
Prescott, Arizona.
Working.
My.
Exhausting.
Preceptorship.

I chose this.  Or, rather, I was willing for this experience.  December 7, 2009 I turned in a form to my instructor letting her know I'd be willing do my preceptorship concurrently with my course load my last semester of school---this is usually not the case.  Usually we do our courses, then have four weeks in April-May to finish our preceptorship without the mess of having to study for exams, do papers and projects during this last stretch of semester.  So, things are busier for me.  I was willing and this is God's plan for me.

This does not mean I will be happy or able or accepting of my current situation.

Yesterday I was so tired.  I was so so so so tired.  I did NOT want to go into the hospital.  Friday night's shift was super busy with a little growth curve lesson thrown my way and I had some pride to swallow.  I had a thought during Friday's shift when I was so frustrated by all the paperwork we have to do that 'Frig This! I don't want to be a nurse!  There's too much paper work!!'  (That's right, Layla.  Good reason to quit now.  It did remind me of the my thoughts back in September when I was too nervous to hang blood for a transfusion because there were too many steps involved and I really did think:  I'll have to always get someone to do this for me.  The same thought applies here, I think.  I have to break down before I can start accepting the way things are.)

I did a good thing yesterday, amidst my fatigue.  I reached out.

Thank you, Nate.  You reminded me my strength lies in a beautiful space that is bigger and more quiet than I am.  When I got still, the tears came.  With the tears, the gratitude came, and I didn't feel so helpless or in need of giving up.

Charlsie.  Oh Thank You.  Your seven minute conversation supporting my education efforts was huge!  You reminded me how rewarding this profession is and that dedication and hard work mean I DON'T GIVE UP.  It's like everything I want to succeed at---I don't give up.  Tenacity does not imply ease.

And, to my instructor, Sally.  Thank you.  I left a most frantic tear-filled message for you about how I want to quit school (agasp! with three weeks left!) and I needed to talk about this stress and these feelings.  You called me back and left me a dear message in return, reminding me that I am not a Lost Cause, this is NORMAL, and I'm okay!  You said that 'Fatigue makes cowards of us all.'  When weary, we become afraid.  I've become weary.  And, I was afraid.

All this amazing support and help!!  I went to the hospital for my shift last night and it was phenomenal.  I assisted with a pretty serious delivery.  It was a huge learning experience and I was also able to express myself to the nurse I work with---I told her how I wanted to give up this school thing because it's hard, and really, I haven't finished a whole lot educationally.  She understood and was so very supportive.

Fatigue does make me a coward.  I am more fearful when I'm tired.  I'm more aware of my shortcomings and my vulnerability.  I am more aware of my humanity when I'm vulnerable.  The good news to this, though, is through my cowardice, I'm afforded courage.  Isn't Courage Fear that has said its Prayers?  Can I be fearful and prayerful at the same time?  Can I trust this process, be willing and participatory?

I am being made, here.  A friend posted on her facebook status a year or more ago while she was going through a pretty physical training: This is what dedication feels like.

I may be tired, but this is what dedication feels like.