Uncertainty & Absolute Assurances.

I mentioned a while ago here I was reading The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Edward Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.  It's one of those books I started months ago, got twenty pages in, and set down.  Well, I brought it to Switzerland hoping to get a little more into it...

And, I'm again going to talk about Edward Abbey, as there is something deliciously linked to this book about Spirituality and Mr. Abbey's reverence and adoration for the wilderness and desert.  I find I am reading them both equally and loving them both!  It's a treat!!

I wanted to share this quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection.  I've read it over and over today and it's sitting well with where I currently am.

But if spirituality begins as a cry for help, it becomes a way of living with--of putting up with--our human imperfection.  The saints and sages insist that imperfections be accepted as imperfections because such acceptance is necessary if we are to develop a vision of life and a way of living in which those imperfections can be endured and lived with creatively.  And so the 'second step' along that way involves accepting the uncertainties of life, refraining from asking for absolute assurances and abandoning demands for perfection.  

I'm only 46 pages into this book which talks much of the essence of spirituality and the beginning few chapters are speaking loads about how acceptance of human imperfection is the essence of a spiritual life (obviously, given the quote and the title).  What I liked so much about this quote was the mention of the 'second step' of a spiritual life:  I like enumeration as it makes learning easy!

I like that I am being given guidance to accept my imperfections and with such acceptance I will live with them creatively.

I like the idea of accepting the uncertainties of life.  This is hard;  I go home in three weeks and am not sure what I'm going home to.  My roommate got her dream job in Chicago and is moving out before I get home.  I'm sad about this and feel completely powerless over the situation.  In that, it's an absolute blessing.  I get to be powerless and I get to not try to control the situation--Will her bathroom and her room be cleaned?  Will Sonja be taken care of? Will I have a job when I get home??  There are so many uncertainties of what lies ahead.  I must accept that there are uncertainties.

In this acceptance, I am reminded it is not my job to seek absolute assurances.  Oh, how I want to!!  I want to seek from Nate, that I'll know for sure about our future together.  I want to seek from friends, that they'll always be in my life.  I want assurance I worked hard for a Degree that will afford me a job I'll love and a lifestyle that will support my wants and desires.  I seek from God, that I'll be okay, taken care of, happy.... There is no such thing as an absolute assurance, just as there is uncertainty in life.  I believe these two are influentially linked.

I like I'm reminded to abandon my demands for perfection.  Since graduation, I've found this one quite a bit easier, and being away from Home, in Switzerland, loads easier, too.  I am a human.  I have good qualities and bad qualities.  I accept my assets are part of me, to be of Service to God and to others.  And, as well, my defects are part of me, so I can turn them over to God to be used as God needs them to be uses.  Do I need to show up as the asshole today?  Do I need to the kind, tolerant, and loving person today?  Do I just plain get to be human today, in all my imperfect glory?  It's a beautiful thing to accept me as I am, and to truly believe I am the way I am because God would have it be that way.  I trust God with my imperfections.  I don't want to be perfect.

(It helps loads I've graduated school with that sought after 4.0 and haven't yet taken NCLEX. We'll see how I fair with this talk once I have my NCLEX date and I'm stressing about the possibility of not passing.  YIKES!  At least in this moment, I feel confident with demands for perfection.)

I feel blessed with where I am.  On Wednesday, I received news of Noriko's amazing success and immediately was sad and terrified.  I made some Skype calls to my support crew, was given great advice about sitting still, and waiting for God to show me my next step.

I prayed.
I wrote.
I prayed more.
I took an amazing shower.
Then, I went to bed.

When I woke up, I was calm.  I was aware of my powerlessness and what a beautiful gift being truly powerless really is.  I was certain there is nothing I can do in this moment, in my being away, that can change the situation I am in, so I gave my fear to God and went about my day.

That was Thursday morning.  It's Saturday night, now, and I'm tired from a huge day in Interlaken with kiddos all around, rain and clouds socking us in, and a headache that's threatening migraine.

With all of that, the worry and anxiety I felt Wednesday night has not returned.

I've felt serenity, peace and calm. This is magical and miraculous!  Even though I'm not given certainties and assurances, I am blessed with a life so full and rewarding .

Joy.

Edward Abbey (version three)

This quote is so appropriate given my current love of reading and how veracious I've been as of late...

The best thing about graduating from the university was that I finally had time to sit on a log and read a good book

Thanks, Cactus Ed. I'm enjoying reading about your life, and reading your wisdom and especially enjoying reading Desert Solitaire. I find it appropriate I am studying Ed Abbey with as much vigor as I once tackled my nursing classes... 

daddy words.

I am gifted by the best and kindest father figure.  For all intents and purposes, when I speak of Terry, I call him 'my dad.'  He is just that, in so many ways, guiding me with his life experience, saying the right thing at the right time and in the greatest parental influence, always, and I do mean always, being there.  


Terry is consistent, fun, kind, and a great example of living with compassion, enthusiasm and acceptance. 


I am blessed to call him 'Dad.'  At least behind his back, anyway. I don't dare call him 'Dad' to his face. :)  (It's a decision we came together.)  


I sent out an email update of my time in Switzerland early this week, and this was his reply: 

WELL LITTLE GIRL,IT SOUNDS TO ME AS IF YOU HAVE FOUND THE REWARDS OF HAVING THE NERVE TO PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER IN A STRAIGHT LINE INSTEAD OF ALWAYS  IN A CIRCLE, TO YOUR LIKING. YOU MIGHT BE STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHY MARCO POLO, ERNEST HEMINGWAY AND YOUR OWN TERRY THE TRAMP DECIDED TO TRAVEL IN A STRAIGHT LINE A LITTLE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE DO. THE LATTER OF THE THREE YOU WILL RAPIDLY SURPASS IF YOU KEEP GOING AT THE RATE YOU ARE AS FAR AS MILES GO, BUT  I STILL HAVE THE LEAD WHEN IT COMES TO DIVERSITY OF MODES AND DESTINATIONS.  IT IS NOT JUST WHERE YOU GET TO GO BUT THE PEOPLE YOU GET TO KNOW.    LIKE ALWAYS. T

In recovery, I've learned that God shows up in other people.  It is through the wisdom of others, God can show up and speak to me.  When someone as special and influential as my Terry-dad is as insightful as he is, it is an example of how God is ridiculously powerful in the way God shows up in my life.

I glisten with gratitude.

 

Empty the Glass of your Desire

by Rumi. 

Join yourself to friends
and know the joy of the soul.
Enter the neighborhood of ruin
with those who drink to the dregs.

Empty the glass of your desire
so that you won't be disgraced.
Stop looking for something out there
and begin seeing within.

Open your arms if you want an embrace.
Break the earthen idols and release the radiance.
Why get involved with a hag like this world?
You know what it will cost.

And three pitiful meals a day
is all that weapons and violence can earn.
At night when the Beloved comes
will you be nodding on opium?

If you close your mouth to food,
you can know a sweeter taste.
Our Host is no tyrant. We gather in a circle.
Sit down with us beyond the wheel of time.

Here is the deal: give one life
and receive a hundred.
Stop growling like dogs,
and know the shepherd's care.

You keep complaining about others
and all they owe you?
Well, forget about them;
just be in His presence.

When the earth is this wide,
why are you asleep in a prison?
Think of nothing but the source of thought.
Feed the soul; let the body fast.

Avoid knotted ideas;
untie yourself to a higher world.
Limit your talk
for the sake of timeless communion.

Abandon life and the world,
and find the life of the world.




Nate emailed me this Rumi yesterday.  It feels ridiculously appropriate and wildly lovely to be given the gift of poetry from my Sweet, words so influential to where I am right now.  I especially appreciate the lines, "Stop growling like dogs, and know the Shepherd's care."  


Today, we're in our second day of socked-in cloud, fog & rain.  It's very cold and new snow is on the mountain views.  We're headed to Interlaken to hopefully escape the weather, and give the kiddos something fun to do at Mystery Park--a wild and fun all-ages kiddo play area!  I am grateful for the moment, gifted with awareness to be Present, Willing and Awake.  


I will 'Stop looking for something out there and begin looking within.'
Hope you all are well. 


(Thank you, Nate, for the Rumi insight.)

webs.

There is something pretty amazing about the spider webs here in Switzerland.
Especially when they're covered in cloud and dew on a foggy day.

Edward Abbey (version two)

I read this last night and nearly cried.
Appropriate lovely writing has landed in my hands.  Thank you, Kate, for suggesting this book to me.

From Desert Solitaire:

I am pleased enough with the surfaces - in fact they alone seem to me to be of much importance. Such things for example as the grasp of a child's hand in your own, the flavor of an apple, the embrace of a friend or lover, the silk of a girl's thigh, the sunlight on the rock and leaves, the feel of music, the bark of a tree, the abrasion of granite and sand, the plunge of clear water into a pool, the face of the wind - what else is there? What else do we need?

Edward Abbey.

I've fallen in love with Mr. Abbey and I've only slightly tapped the caverns of his writing.
I wanted to post one more little niblet.

From a speech he gave to environmentalists in 1976:

One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.

How am I only discovering Mr. Abbey now???? Oh, I know---because I've finally finished the rigors of Nursing school and am able to throw my mind into the love of writing I so have---I must be ready for Edward Abbey.

Grateful For What I Have.

Today's Daily Reflections is so spot on!

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.12 & 12, p. 75

Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need also to ask for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will. Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

I am having a fabulous time in Switzerland.  It's days filled with amazing company, whole foods nourishing my body, and the scenery and air that is revitalizing my breath!  I'm hiking so much and am very active.  My body is responding hugely to this lifestyle.

In all of it, I'm very grateful.  My prayers to God are consistently of the 'thank you, thank you, thank you, God' variety.  It's a beautiful space to be in.

With that said, I am trying to not go to the place where I'm aware I don't have much of a job to come home to, my finances are just about gone, and I'm not sure what's going to happen with my roommate or my home. Do I move to San Diego?? Do I try to stay in Prescott?  Will the NCLEX people get my Able To Test code to me so I can pick my stinking test date?!?!

In all of that, I'm realizing it's ESSENTIAL I find the gratitude to stay in today, be humble, and seek the next indicated thing from my higher power.  Today, the next indicated thing is to help some kiddos with snack time, and enjoy the cool mountain air, the clouds, these Alpine peaks.

I'm doing my best to let go of my fear and to remember that Faith replaces Fear.  Thank Goodness....

I hope you all are doing well, enjoying wherever it is you are.

I finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson and HIGHLY recommend it and now, this Arizona girl is finally getting her hands on some Edward Abbey.  I've started Desert Solitaire and so far, HOOKED...

I leave you with this Edward Abbey quote, from The Journey Home:

There are some good things to be said about walking. Not many, but some. Walking takes longer, for example, than any other known form of locomotion except crawling. Thus it stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed. I have a friend who's always in a hurry; he never gets anywhere. Walking makes the world much bigger and thus more interesting. You have time to observe the details. The utopian technologists foresee a future for us in which distance is annihilated. … To be everywhere at once is to be nowhere forever, if you ask me

I think I've found a new favorite in the radical and influential Mr. Abbey.  Excited!! I hope to share more about hiking in this amazing place, and to share the experiences I've been having.  Time and a wobbly internet connection keeps me unable...For now, know I'm thankful for friendships that last, despite distance and time away.

LOVE!

I HEART MTV EUROPE.

Some sweet goodness from a little MTV Europe.

Overflowing Cups.

I'm having difficulty describing my gratitude with words definitive enough to show how big and huge my gratitude is.

The Bible's always a good standby:

Psalm 23:5 (King James Version)
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

I hope to post more about Zermatt. It was an incredible experience. Now, I'm off to finish cleaning one living space and moving into another living space, tackling the laundry, and aiming to get some studying in.

I feel so blessed I'm not going to stress about not having words enough to describe the contentedness of the Blessedness. I am going to enjoy, embrace, and be darn enthusiastic about how Blessed this life feels.

God timing.

From today's Daily Reflections

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 76

When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This “evil and corroding thread” is the root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of others’ opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power, who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of A.A. in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, and then I ask God to relieve me of that fear.

 God is amazing to me.....I love that my life experience can be one of freedom and joy when I recognize fear does not have to rule me.
I do NOT have to be afraid.

instant Kaffee.

It's been quite a while since I've posted...Life has been busy and the internet connection has been hit or miss.  Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don't and when I do have it, it's on the nights I'm so tired the thought of sitting down for an email or blogpost just feels so 'that much more exhausting' that I close my computer, curl up with a book and head to sleep.

I am in heaven here.  It's so amazing and bright.  The world is alive--the rocks alive with the rush of water on them.  The flowers are so fragrant and plentiful.  The slugs and snails are everywhere (as are the flies. Pesty little buggers.)  After it rains, and the clouds part, the lines from mountain top and sky are so crisp!  It's like the peaks got a bath.

The Kaffee is as delicious as I remember it.  Now, I'm down in the efficiency apartment taking the morning to myself and having some Instant Kaffee.  It's so delicious.  Even the 'just add hot water and stir' stuff is worth mentioning.  (Though I didn't photograph it. :)

I had about 200 photos on my camera from my first few days out and about and I don't know what happened to them--they're gone.  So, I've been uploading to my computer and to picasa every few days so that doesn't happen again.  I know the memories aren't gone, but I sure do love having pictures of each day we're out and about so there is a sense of loss.  The scenery will still be here and I'm okay about the loss, however it happened.

I cleaned for Denise at Chalet Fontana Friday past and it was fun!  About an hour of work, and that was that.  She's very sweet and super flexible.

I've been reading a lot.  I finished The Red Tent by Anita Diamant and I know I read this book about eight years ago; I remember hardly anything from it so I'm thrilled I read it again.  It celebrated Womanhood, Family and Strength.  I really enjoyed it.  I started The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson a few days ago, and it's such a different style of book it's taking me a bit longer to get into it.  I think I'll enjoy it; it's just been a long time since I've read a murder-mystery style novel.  

I've been able to study some while I'm here, too.  I bought The Princeton Review's NCLEX-Review Book, thanks to my dear friend Alison's Christmas gift of the Babycakes Cookbook which I already had.  This review book is awesome.  It's like a workbook for nursing.  Fill in the blank, matching, labeling, true/false, about fifteen to twenty NCLEX-style questions for each chapter.  It's FUN.  It's fun because I'm doing well, and recalling a lot.  I feel confident when I get back to the States all will align as it needs to and I'll be able to crank out a successful NCLEX appearance.  I'm hopeful.

God's showing up amazingly here.  I've been praying morning and night on my knees and that habit has always, always, been helpful to center me to God's will for my life.  I've been continuing each Sunday to study the 11th step, and have been loving it.  I've had these amazing epiphanies and learning moments with regard to acceptance, tolerance, and love.

I miss my friends in Prescott and that amazing man in San Diego, and I think often how I'd like to share this adventure with them.  I see the mountain peaks and after an incredibly amazing hike, I cried tears of joy at my accomplishment, ability and the beauty of the world God sees fit for me to play.

Last year, I was scared here.  I didn't branch out a whole lot.  This year, it feels different.  I'm not afraid I don't know Swiss German.  I'm not afraid if my accent is terrible; I'll still say 'Greutzi' and 'Gut Morga.'  I am enjoying the people in this beautiful village and enjoying so much the gift that is this experience.

I don't know what life is going to be like when I get back to Prescott.  I think about it sometimes, and feel certain I'm going to pack my home up, move to San Diego, and begin a life with Nate.  I think about it other times, and feel panicky, scared, and totally anxious I'm going to be broke, homeless and without anything.  The vacillation of these thoughts is dizzying.

I am reminded often I am given a life to live.  My life includes a six-week adventure in a country I never anticipated going to with such bounty and blessing.  And I'm here--FOR A SECOND TIME!  I am reminded that up until this moment, I've been given all I've ever needed.  It's just so happened that it's looked how I've wanted it to, for the most part, and I've adapted pretty well.

(Or, at least that's how it looks on reflection.  I imagine I've been stubborn and resistant to most big changes in my life--why this would be any different, I'm not sure.  I pray for the Grace to show up as God needs me to show up--to honor God, be of service to other's and seek God's will.  In that way, I know I can't do wrong.)

When I come home in August, I don't know what life will look like, and that scares me.

It's not any different than my life up to this point.  I have to remind myself: enjoy what is, and get back to breathing and taking in this beautiful life.

I am blessed.

Glory Night.

This is the view from my porch tonight. The Eiger at Sunset.
I am blessed.

I'm tired and yet not sleepy, the irony of jetlag.
I hear the family upstairs awake and feel bad sweet Owen and sweet Sidney are not going down for the night.
There is something very, very honest about children adjusting to travel and jetlag.
Adults, we're forced to handle it and be tough about it--do the things the day demands of us.
But, kids? They want to sleep and they need to sleep, so they do.
Except at night.

It's chilly here.
The highs are in the low-60s and the lows are in the mid-40s. My feet are cold.
(It's also 2230 and it IS cold...of course I'd be chilly! :)

I checked the Arizona Board of Nursing website today and noticed my application for license has been received but my citizenship documation hasn't. Which doesn't make sense, as I sent my birth certificate with my application. I feel a little powerless--that I can't do anything about it RIGHT NOW so that feels yucky.

But, I did send an email and hopefully it is fixable, and I'll still be able to be an RN.

Also, there is a British Inn Keeper here in Murren named Denise that asked Troy to let me know if I'd be interested in any extra work she'd hire me for about three hours a week to do some cleaning! How great would that be?? I'm hoping to chat with her tomorrow about her needs and want to make sure it works with the family and all involved but the pay is awesome and it would be a huge relief (*sigh!*) to actually come home with more money than I would if this weren't an opportunity! We'll see what happens!!

The food is great. JJ does an awesome job in the kitchen and we eat phenomenally. Tonight we had a vegetable saute (onion, garlic, eggplant, potato, zucchini, chickpeas & [normal]peas) with this Tandoori Curry sauce mixed with a bit of coconut milk. All served atop brown rice. YUM. A chocolate square (or two) for dessert with some Chamomile with Lavendar tea. So wonderful.

I'm about to do some cruches, actually.
:)

I hope you all are doing well, and enjoying the Summer as it unfolds.
I am so blessed, and hope Blessings surround you as well, too.


Oh, here's today's Reminder from God:

"Soon you will truly be able to do all things through Me and My Strength."

What an awesome reminder as I'm sitting here possibly very near stressing out about my license application and knowing the amazing mountains are right outside. God will provide. I can do all things through God and with God's strength.

Blessed.

Fear & Faith.

Hello from Houston!

I've begun my adventure yesterday with a (very, very) early alarm wake-up, last minute detail packing, a heartfelt, sweet goodbye to Noriko, a smooch to my darling Sonja, and a drive to Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport.  Nate was in town for a few days to help see me off and he drove me down to the airport on his way home to San Diego.  I'm so grateful for his last minute help---I learned a few years ago that with anxiety it helped a great deal to have someone put his hands on my back.  Just calmly place his hands on my back.  I've never told Nate this, and in the middle of packing, he came up to me, and placed his left hand over my heart and his right hand over my back and just stood there, holding me.  The anxiety I was feeling immediately calmed, and I finished my packing and was in bed by the time I hoped.  I'm grateful for his presence in my life.

My flight to Houston was quick!  I even got some NCLEX studying in!!  (I'm super proud of myself for this, as I haven't cracked a study text for six weeks. YIKES!)  I landed at 1130a Texas time and was picked up by JJ & Sidney.  I immediately felt the thick, humid Houston air. (I come from a dry heat, y'all.)

Houston is a neat city!  JJ's from West University City, not far from Montrose (where we had sushi tonight).  We drove by the Rothko Chapel and I look forward to coming back and seeing the inside of this awesome place--we missed the hours by twenty minutes!  I've noticed that the sky isn't as big as my Prescott sky.  I feel scrunched and smooshed without the hills and views.  The trees limit what I can see and it's a weird feeling.  I feel quite small in this Houston city.

Today's Summer Solstice.  The longest day of the year!!  I love this day.  I love what it symbolizes--we've made it half way through winter, the cold and the dark nights.  Now, we're on the down swing and days will get shorter, but it's officially Summer now.  It's hot.  And, oh this Arizona girl loves the hot!  Even the thick humidity of the Houston heat isn't so bad. (I mean, it's awfully hot, but it's Summer!  It's suppose to be!)  I'm excited for the longer nights of Switzerland.  Troy reminded me it doesn't get dark until 2200!! WOW!

We leave tomorrow at 1620.  We leave from George Bush Intercontinental Airport and head to Heathrow in London--we'll land at 0730 on Wednesday June 23, just in time for some delicious coffee. Oh, coffee, how I love you so.  From London, we fly to Zurich and will land in Switzerland at 1230p Wednesday.  From Zurich, we rent a VAN. (Three adults and two kids plus luggage for the Summer requires a VAN. :)  The Van will take us to Stechelberg, where we'll survey how everyone's doing and either head up to the village, Murren, and get our Summer digs ready, or we'll stay at the Alpenhof for the night.  We have a busy day of travel ahead, and truth be told, I'm tired.

I'm glad we're flying at night.  The kiddos will be ready for sleep and so will I--I hope sleep will be comfortable.  The flight itself will be a long one--a little over nine hours.  Ha.  I can do that in my sleep! (Let's hope.)

I started this awesome new book  Sought Through Prayer and Meditation.  It's a Hazelden book with a weekly focus on the Eleventh Step (We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.)  The book is a weekly focus with stories and information, followed by a prayer and a meditation.

So far, it's awesome!  I wanted to share the prayer and meditation with you for this week.

Prayer

Dear God, as I begin this journey each day to seek a closer conscious contact with you, my Higher Power, let me not rely on any changes that have already taken place in me, any reconstruction that you have done in my life until now. For by choosing my will over yours, all of that can be gone in a single breath. Therefore, please give me the grace to rely only on you, your will for me, your love and caring. May I continue seeking knowledge of your will and the power to carry that out, one day at a time.

Meditation

The power of God grows within me as I continue to seek God’s will.

I love having a spiritual focus while I'm away.  Last year, my spiritual life in Switzerland grew immensely.  I came home focused and at peace.  I also knew with a lot of certainty and assurance what I was coming home to.  This year, it's entirely different.  A lot of my fear is due to what life will be like in August when I get home.  I have no idea!!  The idea of having an assignment to improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power and to truly seek my Higher Power's will for my life is exciting.  It helps alleviate the fear I'm having and helps me be in the moment.

There is one thing certain about this adventure ahead:  I will only be of service, of utmost and beneficial service, when I'm present and in the moment.  It's in the moment that my life is meant to be lived.  I have fear about what the future holds but really?? I'M NOT IN THE FUTURE.  I'm here.  Now.  In this moment.

Today's Daily Reflections summed up my feelings so well.

The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other condition of insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion – well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 263

Fear has caused suffering when I could have had more faith. There are times when fear suddenly tears me apart, just when I’m experiencing feelings of joy, happiness and a lightness of heart. Faith–and a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power -helps me endure tragedy and ecstasy. When I choose to give all of my fears over to my Higher Power, I will be free.

I love what this reading reminds me about having Faith.  Faith is defined as "a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power."  Merriam-Webster defines Faith as "complete trust."  I love the idea that Faith in my Higher Power is feeling WORTH and COMPLETE TRUST in my Higher Power.  In my humanity, all I can do is try to completely trust my Higher Power.  I believe it's possible--to the best of my ability.

And as Feist reminds me in Mushaboom:

 And we'll collect the moments one by one/ 

I guess that's how the future's done 

I'm headed to bed now on this warm Summer Solstice night.  Happy Summer, everyone.  When I write next I'll be in the Alpine air of Switzerland with yet another strengthened, and hopefully fresh, perspective.

Blessings!

Sweet Arizona Love.

Happy Birthday, Becky.
What a Treat.

we're little love balls connecting with each other.

I leave in a few minutes for a much anticipated hang out sesh hike with the Birthday Friend, Becky.  I'm very excited for some serious outside time today and a chance to have one-on-one time with my Darling.  I am going through some stuff and noticing about myself that I'm keeping 'the stuff' at a distance.  I'm putting off looking at it all and feeling it all because I just don't want to. Mad Men is much more entertaining (I just finished Season Two--WATCH THIS SHOW!)

I have putting my relationship with God off.  I've been neglecting the Spiritual Connectedness that fuels me.
I'm aware of it.

I read this today and it helped me feel excited to get on my knees to connect again.  It really is the little things:
Today's Daily Reflections:

We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 7

Open-mindedness to concepts of a Higher Power can open doors to the spirit. Often I find the human spirit in various dogmas and faiths. I can be spiritual in the sharing of myself. The sharing of self joins me to the human race and brings me closer to God, as I understand Him.

I need not fear God and I need only rely on God.  My humanity gets in the way of such simplicity.  Being with a friend who shares similar spiritual connectivity and a big, wide Arizona sky will help me process the 'stuff' I have swirling about in my head.  I'm grateful God doesn't give up on me.

tears.

I am tearful today.  I'm tearful at the thought of leaving my lovely town for the Summer.  I loveloveLove Prescott in the Summer.  We have a Courthouse Square that is the city's center point.  It's filled with these huge Cottonwoods and Pines.  It's a grassy area I love to run and play with the kiddos I tend.  I've often referred to it as my own personal backyard.

This was taken a few weeks ago on a play date I had with Owen.  We picnicked here on the Square.
A most gorgeous day.  

Today, I met my friend Beth for a walk and I sat for a while on the steps of the Courthouse while waiting for her.  There was a Craft Fair on the Square today with lots of vendors and artisans set up to sell their trinkets & treasures.  It's a frequent in Prescott in the Summer to have fairs each weekend.  The smells of the cinnamon toasted almonds and funnel cakes is alluring!

While sitting on the steps, there was a Kingston Trio-like band strumming and singing away.  The sky is a bit overcast today and it's chilly.  The trees are so green!  They were swaying and moving in the breeze, and my heart was filled with love my little town.

I've read once that Prescott is a place where not a lot of people are 'from.'  But, people come here and "grow-up" here.  I feel that way with Prescott.  I Summered here when I was little at Friendly Pines Camp, each summer spending at least four weeks at sleep-away camp here in Prescott from the time I was nine to 14.  I knew I would work at Friendly Pines when I was in College and I did the Summers I was 18 & 19.  It was Summer 2001 I moved here to make this place my home.  I've spent a lot of Summertime in Prescott over my 30 years.  In the last nine that I've lived here, I really feel like I've grown into my own.

I've 'grown-up' here.  I love my home.  I love my community.  At the Dinner Bell, the local breakfast place, I sit down, am served coffee, and the server comes to me and says, "Are you having the usual?"  I'm on a first name basis with the servers and bartenders at Raven Cafe.  When I walk downtown, I feel safe and at home. I've created this home for myself; I've been willing to become part of a community and to make friends.  I've been willing to grow here, and I'm so grateful for this place and these experiences.

My tears come as I realize I'm going to miss the Bluegrass Festival on the Square.  I'm going to miss the beginning of the Summer Monsoons.

I'm going to miss the sound and hopeful sight of the Cicadas.  The chorus and song these creatures create is one of my favorite of Prescott Summertime.  I forget the sound every year and then, all of sudden, it's here.  This lyrical hard-to-describe music that comes from the trees.  It is always a treat to see these alien-like insects, and each Summer I strive to find just one making his music in the trees.  Seeing one doesn't happen every year.

I know my adventure takes me to a gorgeous and amazing part of the world.  I am not without gratitude for what lies ahead for me.  I leave for Switzerland June 22 and will stay in Murren, Switzerland.  This place can be described as Heaven and I have pictures of such gorgeousness. (See below. :) I've been here before.  I'm returning to a place of Simple living--it will be a Summer without my cell phone or regular interneting. It will be a Summer of frequent activity.  A Summer without a car on a daily basis.  A Summer full of chocolate. (Oh, the chocolate!)

Here are images from last Summer that capture the joy in which I'm about to embark:

Owen's Joy Face. 

The coolest, longest, slowest slide ever at Allmendhubel.  The Alps in the background are the Eiger, the Monch & the Jungfrau.  

Owen, JJ & Sidney. Horseback riding in the Alps. 

Sidney conquers the Swing. 

The view from my window. 

Sidney takes an airplane ride through the Bernese-Oberland Region of Switzerland. 

The Black Monch at Sunset. 

The local wildlife. 

Sidney & I pose after our very awesome slide ride. 

Sidney & I trampolining. 

An afternoon at the Hostel in Gimmelwald. 

The very awesome Luge Slide. 

Sid & I after a very lovely picnic at the Alpinhof in Stechelberg. 

Layla at Sunset. 

The view while walking in the Lauterbrunnen Valley

A lot of pictures from last Summer.  I am soooo glad I posted these.  It got me so excited about the upcoming adventure I'm having, and the thrill of a place so amazing and a family so fabulous.  I'll be in Switzerland for six weeks!  I really am so excited, even if tearful, too.

My life is in transition.  I am embarking on change and it can be so uncomfortable and a bit unpleasing, too.  I am reminded:

I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself. Aldous Huxley 

And, yes.  I'll miss a lot of what Prescott has to offer in the Summer.  Knowing this, I trust God will provide a lot of growing up opportunities for me this Summer....even if it's not in the high desert of Arizona.