The Life of Lily

BLOG MOVE!

2011-06-30T12:43:00.001-07:00

Hello!!
I've decided to start fresh with a new blog so please, if you're inclined, follow me over here!

Thanks, Life of Lily, it's been an amazing time; I look forward to a new, fresh space to embrace the good and uncertain life I'm gifted to lead!

RIGHT ON!!

God deejay.

2010-10-14T18:09:00.001-07:00

I'm a firm believer in my Genius setting on my iPod being a way for God to play music God knows I need to hear and enjoy and love.
This morning, on my 8a drive home from work, after a very busy, full night working, I had my windows rolled down, my iPod goin', the wind was cleansing and powerful! These two songs set the mood for a really great day, full of a super sleep!, and what will hopefully be another really great night at a job I love!

thanks, Panda!

2010-10-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

duh.

gross.

2010-10-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

I think this is gross. Just gross.
Who's going to wash the sneezee???? It's literally wearing a Kleenex as an 80s-inspired arm-warmer. Ewwww.

Reminder from God (v.4)

2010-10-12T18:07:00.002-07:00

One thing I love about the Daily Reminder from God is putting into context and words what God would actually say to me. Today's Daily Reminder is reminiscent of a thoughtful, loving, sweet God that is so excited about what is going to come into fruition in my life. Even if there is delay, even if delay is part of God's plan, God is thrilled about who I am and who I am going to be. God is thrilled with my life! I enjoy delighting in my own life, and knowing God is just as excited about my next step as I am is so lovely, so calming, so reassuring! Today's reminder also emphasizes how important it is I trust God--with everything. God's plan can be my plan when I pause, take relish and behave calmly. When I put faith into action, and trust God has my life. God has my life in God's care! What a gift!!

Here is today's reminder:

Love all My ways with you. Delay is not denial but my wonderful all-loving restraint. I can scarcely tolerate the delay.

My motto.

2010-10-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of this quote today from Marianne Williamson. It's found in her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Imagine if I lived every moment asking God to show me where I can shine, where I can allow other's to shine, and rejoicing in the moments God gives me. It might be a foreign idea, and I may only excel at it a small percentage of the time, but who am I, if not a brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous creation of God?? I choose to celebrate that today.

the couple that blazes together...

2010-10-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

...stays together.

And, in the reverse, the couple that chooses different paths will usually break up.
Three years ago I was engaged to a very darling ~~man~~ ~~boy~~ guy.
We chose October 10, 2010 to be our wedding day.
Then, things shifted, and transitioned, and September 2008 we broke up, to really go our separate ways May 2009.

When I think of him, I think of what a gift making amends will be. I think of forgiveness, possibility, and true release. I'd like to say so many things to him. Mostly, "when I think of you, it is with a full heart, with contrition, and I'm sorry for how I behaved. I believed in our love, and then I just stopped believing in us, and I was wrong in a lot of ways."

Today's been a funky day, mostly because I'm transitioning from working nights to living in the daytime, and my sleep has been fitful with unrest. This day has come up on me quickly, and I am happy to let it go. Life changes, and I don't want to say anything other than I honor this day--for what it could have been, for what it is, and for all the goodness that surrounds growth and change.

blog break!

2010-10-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hello!
I've taken a bit of a blog break, and wanted to let you know I plan to back with regular updates on Saturday!! Lots has happened in the past couple weeks, and I can't wait to update about it all! Life is great, I am doing well, and I wanted to let you know about my unintentional hiatus!

Soon!

Hope you all are doing so very, very well! Happy Thursday!

yay!

2010-09-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

I've had a most excellent week.
I'm not in a space to elaborate on a whole lot right now, but I want to plug my new favorite blog, Daily Pep Talk from a Best Friend. Rachel is said 'Best Friend' and has a feature on the blog to email her if something good happens. So, I did just that. See for yourself what she posted:

Shout Out: Layla Is A Registered Nurse!!!

“I just passed the National Council Licensure Examination and am a Registered Nurse!!!!! I am so stinking excited and thrilled!! Start work at an acute care hospital on Monday! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Layla
Layla, great work! Give em hell on Monday. Congrats!!
xoxoxoxoxo

When something good happens, let me know at emailingrachel@gmail.com

To see this in the blog world, outloud and proud, is such an awesome feeling. Sure, I plugged myself, and emailed Rachel, but you know what? I am so proud of myself!! I did it! I worked hard, did excellent in school, finished each of my semesters learning more than the previous one, and graduated Nursing School. Then, instead of doing the 'right' thing, I left the Country. I went to Switzerland for six weeks, and was able to enjoy myself, despite my fear of what will happen. I came back, put one foot in front of the other to do the next indicated thing. I got my test date for license, applied for jobs, got hired at a job before getting licensed, and passed NCLEX.

I did it!!
Wow.

One huge 'Yay!' if you ask me!!!
Hope you're doing well today, too.

Egoic Doubt and Fear.

2010-09-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here, getting ready to get ready for bed.
I don't want to be in stress or fear about Thursday.
It's creeping in a little bit----did I do enough? I just know I didn't because The Princeton Review book I have isn't completely read.
Did I do just what I had time to do? Yes.
I am scared I'll fail, and I'm hopeful I'll pass.
I don't want my ego or my self-defeating mind to get the better of me in this process.
It is just a test. That's all this is.
Just a test.
I can weight it in my mind if I want to, but that just makes it bigger than me and I already have a Power Greater than Myself.
If I make this exam bigger than God, then I'm sure to fail.
No matter what the outcome.

I am tired of studying, and grateful for all I'm learning during this serious review process.
Tomorrow, I wake before the sun to catch the sun rise from Trail 317 north of Thumb Butte.
Then, I do a practice exam. (more than one if I have time.)
And, a lunch date with a very nice and fun man at noon.
I don't plan to study after lunch.
From lunch, I plan to drive to Mesa to hang with my daddy-o and try to breathe and be calm.

But of course, these are all speculations as to how tomorrow will play out, and I know very well that my days have not been going as I think they should. So...
I get ready for bed, now.

Good night, world.

breeeze!

2010-09-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

There is a breeze coming in through the window.

There are clouds piling up outside in the blue sky.

There is a Princeton Review NCLEX study guide in front of me, pleading me to open her, to study her.

There is a song playing by a band I've not heard of, and I love it.

Check out this blog for track three, and you'll feel it too.

There is an overwhelming calm within me.

I don't doubt calm. I know to not question calm.

I trust calm.

Calmness is trust in action, and I'm grateful I learned that three and a half years ago.

I test in two and a half days, and I believe with every ounce of me that whatever is the result of me sitting down for the National Council Licensure Examination will be God's will.

I trust the breeze, the effort, the coffee, the ginkgo biloba, the music, the books, the people, the experience, the power of this educational experience.

I am not afraid.

Gaga.

2010-09-19T20:27:00.001-07:00

Going a Little Crazy for Lady Gaga.
Remind me to tell you the story of the cute British girls on their way to Lalapalooza to see Lady Gaga (said brilliantly with their darling little accents) and their very cute father who flirted with me. I might have flirted back.

Sun.Day.

2010-09-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Today has begun with Things I Love.

waking to the sun
watching the sun rise
coffee
another coffee
happy babies
toast with earth balance, peanut butter, raspberry jam and ground flax
lots of glasses of water
being healthy
taking my vitamins
prayers
reliving dreams in my mind while little bodies eat cereal and make funny faces at me across the table
being well rested
little plans and designs
turning 'them' over
trusting NCLEX will be just what it needs to be
wishing i could have a morning with my mom
thinking about half-marathon runners
curious what i need to do to get the scale to go below 167.4
contemplating another coffee but knowing that would probably be a bad idea
looking over and seeing a brown-eyed sweet four year old roll her banana in her hands like it's a play-doh snake
wishing my hair would curl at the ends like the sweet almost-three year old sitting next to me
contemplating bangs and a bob
gratitude
faith
sunshine

Happy Sunday.

Reminder from God (v.3)

2010-09-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

Today's Reminder is hitting me up the head. I am in a bit of a funk...not even really sure what I'm feeling but feeling nonetheless *shudder*. Trying to keep my head up. Taking care of my body by eating delicious food, but lacking the motivation to study. (That's probably where my funk is coming from.) I wish my mind would quiet. It's really quite busy today, and uggg....The adage 'Never go into your mind alone' is very applicable today. Trying to remember to bring my Higher Power into my thoughts....Trying..

Here's the reminder from God today---appropriate, no?

If you only sat still and longed for Me, you would be so unruffled, so calm, so bold. Refuse to be downcast. Love and laugh. I am with you.

..in.the.moment..

2010-09-18T12:39:00.002-07:00

What a week!!
Holy Moly!!

I try to reflect on what I was doing this time a week ago, and I literally have to open my planner to remember. It's been sooo long since a week ago Saturday.

I will fill you in on what I can remember---I had an overnight shift with a little girl I haven't taken care of since June, and it was so fun. We played hard, we enjoyed each other's company and she was on board to go with me to my sweet friend Beth's daughter's baptism. It was a special day on Sunday, and I was thrilled to be part--even if we couldn't stay the entire time. Beth is an awesome Mom and her little babe is a joyjoyjoy. The entire time she was up near the alter she was smiling. It was a sweet day.

My little charge and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns. It was a fun movie!! I can't find anywhere the lessons Nanny McPhee imparts on the family she is with, but when I can find it, you'll see it in a post, for sure! Sunday night, I had the privilege of my darling friend Becky's company for a two hour walkabout our little town's square, and then an hour more of sitting and chatting. We were in desperate need of a catch-up!

Monday I spent studying and practicing yoga in the evening after a delicious dinner with a sweet friend, Jen. She is very talented, and I posted earlier this week a video they just created for their song. I am so proud of my friends!! There is a new yoga studio in town, it opened last week (when I get the webpage link I will post it!) and all this week they've offered classes for Donation. So, I had the yummy privilege of practicing yoga in a classroom setting, instead of in my living room in front of the television. The studio is offering Hot Yoga Vinyasa and some 12 Step Yoga classes, and so far, I'm hooked!! I really enjoyed where my yoga practice took me this week.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were heavy work days--averaging nine hours each day. IKES! Tuesday night was a treat, though, and I was taken out on a date. I think this *ahem* male friend is very super duper, and we had a great night. Not at all what I expected to have happen this week, and really the definition of a treat! Oh! And Tuesday I found out what my schedule will look like at the new job and it will be DAYTIME (yessssssssss!) and three 12-hours shifts in a row: Thursday, Friday & Saturday. Long days, and I'll be tired, but I'm so thrilled I won't be working nights!! And, I'm overwhelmingly excited to begin working as a nurse. By the time I start on the unit, it will be SIX MONTHS since I've done any nursing care, and I am readyready to get back at it!

On Wednesday and Thursday I got to spend some time with my friend Dani, and that was wonderful. She's doing well, and I enjoy the company she offers and the time I get to spend with her children.

And, then, well, then there was yesterday. Fuhhhhreaky Friday.

I went to Human Resources for my new company and signed my Offer Letter. I filled out reference check information, employment screening information, all that good stuff. I found out officially that if I don't pass NCLEX, I will not be working this job. (I sort of knew this already, but I enjoy knowing things with certainty and now, now I know). I found out some of the benefit package details, as well, and am overwhelmed with what I have been calling, until yesterday, my grown-up job. I am excited! There are things that come with this nursing position I've never had as an employee: insurance!, paid time off!, vacation pay!, life insurance!, overtime! These things equal a grown-up job. Or, at least they did until I had a most welcome and severely humbling conversation yesterday.

Here's the lesson I am learning: a deeper understanding of Step 3.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

So, I have a new Employer. And this previous idea of grown-up job is completely FALSE. For the past three years, I've been exclusively working as a nanny. I've been able to earn enough money to live a full and rewarding life. I've supported myself while I've been in school, and what a gift I've been able to care for children, and be of ultimate assistance to families in my community. I heard yesterday: a grown up job is something you would do for free or for fun. I would (and do!) my job for free and for fun!

Now, I'm employed as a Nurse and am working in a profession where compensation and a benefit package are par for my course. Would I do nursing for free and for fun?? YES! (Mind you, I have for the past two years during clinical experience in the various hospitals in my town).

The blessing of the lesson I'm learning is that God is my Employer. God "provides what I need when I keep close to him and perform his work well." I believe this fully! I want to see what I can contribute fully to this life! Regardless of what my benefit package is. More on this lesson, I'm sure, but I am blown away by this awareness, and excited to stop devaluing myself for only working in childcare these past three years. What an honor to care for other's children, to do a great job at it, and to be reminded whatever work I do, I get to do it for God. Every bit of it. Nursing, childcare, the dishes, all of it. For God.

So, that was my morning lesson yesterday. I went to a local coffee shop and participated in the Eckhart Tolle book study, went to leave, and couldn't find my keys. Um. I don't lose my keys. I looked everywhere. I went up and down the block, asked every business to see if someone had turned in my keys, I phoned my roadside assistance, and a locksmith was en route to open my car to hopefully find my keys--maybe they're in my car?? Tow truck comes, unlocks my car, keys are not in it. So, roadside assistance offers I get another tow truck to come, tow me to Prescott Honda, and I paid $109 for a new key. Yep. One hundred nine dollars. for a key.

I was a blob of buzzed out mess--after my morning of discovery regarding employment and worth, I lost my keys. I had to pay money that was allotted for other things (oh well!) and thank goodness my roommate was kind enough to make a copy of his house key and bring it to me while I sat in the showroom of Prescott Honda and studied for NCLEX, waiting for my new key to be programmed.

Holy Moly, Freaky Friday!

The entire day I had planned blew up to be not that at all when I couldn't find my keys to leave Cuppers. What does all this mean? Do I need to slow down? Do I need not be on the phone talking about worth, employment and God while driving? um....probably.

Last night, I treated myself to quiet. Much needed and enjoyed quiet. I watched Greenberg, which I don't recommend. And I watched A Single Man, which I HIGHLY recommend. A movie night? With NCLEX looming in just six days? Yep! I neeeeeded it.

Today has been fabulously calm. I woke well rested and caught up on some business I unfortunately neglected with my long hours this week. I went to the farmer's market and got yummy eggplant and kale from Whipstone Farm, and some amazing vegan tamales. I have another overnight shift tonight with four kiddos. Whoa. Grateful, and looking forward to earning enough tonight to pay for the week ahead. And, study study study.

Gosh, what a week! I'm ripe with awareness and learning, and feeling surprisingly calm about Thursday. My job and my profession are contingent on Thursday morning at 8am and I am calm. Thank you, God.

I hope this week ahead can continue with calm, and I don't lose any more things of value....Especially my serenity. Most importantly, my serenity.

Happy Saturday!

You’ll give it a shot.

2010-09-18T08:35:00.001-07:00

Some delicious goodness this morning via a new blog I've found through another new blog I've found. First found Yes and Yes (via Kaelah B's blog) and she sent me over to Daily Pep Talk. I love when the blog world makes this small world even smaller.

And, I especially love being sent uplifting, applicable goodness for me to consider today. Believe me, after you hear about my day yesterday, you'll understand what I mean.

You’ll give it a shot.

proud of my friends.

2010-09-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have some very talented friends.
Give a listen to their latest endeavor:

Reminder from God (v.2)

2010-09-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

Today's Reminder from God is awesome given last night's events.
I'm tired, and wow-ed! And, yet, totally calm, too.
That feels lovely.

Nothing is by chance. No detail is forgotten in My Plans for you.

I don't know that I'll disclose much but just wanted to put out there the beauty that nothing is by chance.

On a blog note: when I view this blog, the header is no longer clear and crisp; it's blurry. Is it blurry for you, too?
Thanks for the input, and Have a super Wednesday!
No Detail is Forgotten...

all things french

2010-09-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

currently on repeat.
so i can practice my french and be a beautiful darling like Carla Bruni
Goodnight, world.
Good morning, France. See you in the Summer.

EXCITED!

2010-09-13T10:47:00.001-07:00

Today's Daily Reflections got me so so so excited.
I am so ready for the miracle of working a thorough and complete 9th Step. Things in my life are already propelling me forward--people from my past becoming part of my present so I can do as the 8th step suggests, and to quote the AA 12&12

...having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know. (emphasis mine).

I have a deep, core excitement about allowing God to govern my life on this level and truly reveal to me what it look like to have the best possible relations with every human being we know. On that note, I want to share the Daily Reflections for today. It just makes me so excited about living this 12 Step life, having a program of recovery that has completely changed changed my life, and allowing myself to be in Partnership with a Power Greater than Myself.

Good judgement, a careful sense of timing, courage and prudence – these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Page 83
To make amends can be viewed two ways: first, that of repairing damage, for if I have damaged my neighbor’s fence, I “make a mend,” and that is a direct amend; the second way is by modifying my behavior, for if my actions have harmed someone, I make a daily effort to cause no further harm. I “mend my ways,” and that is an indirect amend. Which is the best approach? The only right approach, provided that I am causing no further harm in so doing, is to do both. If harm is done, then I simply “mend my ways.” To take action in this manner assures me of making honest amends

These past relationships coming into my life are such a gift--I am being given the opportunity to "mend my ways." I get to show up in the best possible way to have the best possible relations with every human being. And that means the human beings in my past where the relationship didn't end as gracefully or sweetly as I would have liked. (Though, on that note, do relationships ever end gracefully?? And, then, I'm reminded of Nate, and yes! Relationships can end gracefully!!)

Feeling grateful today, ready to embark on this adventure of serious action step-work and doing some NCLEX practice questions over and over and over and over again.....

Happy Monday.

Eckhart Tolle (v.1)

2010-09-11T20:01:00.001-07:00

I've had A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle for a few years now, and just figured I couldn't really get into it because of the rigorous reading requirements of nursing school. I have a couple friends that have been studying this book and I asked them recently if they would be interested in meeting to do a book study--selfishly, so I can actually start studying this intriguing book, and altruistically, because I really like book studies with these women!

Friday marked our first meeting, and with A New Earth I've only been able to get 60 pages in! I've tried reading it three times! Three times! And each time I get sidetracked and stop around page 60....So, I'm super thrilled to begin this book in the way we are. One of the members is going to pick a topic and we'll read on the topic and talk about it. Very casual.

The topic chosen was Conscious Suffering and Conscious Parenting. I about floored when I walked into the meeting--I was a bit late because of my schedule, and feeling an overwhelming sadness regarding my friend in surgery.

Here is what we read:

If you have young children, give them help, guidance, and protection to the best of your ability, but even more important, give them space--space to be. They come into this world through you, but they are not 'yours.' The belief "I know what's best for you" may be true when they are very young, but the older they get, the less true it becomes. The more expectations you have of how their life should unfold, the more you are in your mind instead of being present for them. Eventually, they will make mistakes, and they will experience some form of suffering, as all humans do. In fact, they may be mistakes only from your perspective. What to you is a mistake may be exactly what your children need to do or experience. Give them as much help and guidance as you can, but realize that you may also at times have to allow them to make mistakes, especially as they begin to reach adulthood. At times, you may also have to allow them to suffer. Suffering may come to them out of the blue or it may come as the consequence of their own mistakes.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could spare them from all suffering? No, it wouldn't. They would not evolve as human beings and would remain shallow, identified with the external form of things. Suffering drives you deeper. The paradox is that suffering is caused by identification with form and erodes identification with form. A lot is caused by the ego, although eventually suffering destroys the ego--but not until you suffer consciously.

Formless attention is inseparable from the dimension of Being. How does it work?

As you look at, listen to, touch or help your child with this or that, you are alert, still, completely present, not wanting anything other than that moment as it is. In this way, you make room for Being. In that moment, if you are present, you are not a father or mother. You are the alertness, the stillness, the Presence that is listening, looking, touching, even speaking. You are the Being behind the doing.

These paragraphs are so ripe with tangents and thoughts. I love what Mr. Tolle says about suffering--that it is not avoidable. In 12 Step rooms, I hear often, "Pain isn't option, but suffering is." And, in some cases I believe that statement. It is up to me to not suffer because of the pain that is bringing about change. Pain is the catalyst for my change, and I'm grateful for the awareness. In Mr. Tolle's language, I believe the awareness that pain brings about discomfort so I may begin to change what is causing me pain is 'Conscious Suffering.'

I appreciate so much the essence of Being, especially as it relates to parenting. I spend a lot of time with children, and hope one day to have my own (God willing!) I sincerely appreciate the reminder that in the moments I am the Being, the essence of who I am, and I let go of all else, I'm truly showing up for the children with whom I keep company.

I hope your weekend is blessed!

Reminder from God

2010-09-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

More perfect timing from this daily reminder

When things do not work out as you planned, then smile at Me and say "Have Your Way then". Knowing that My Loving response will be the best for you.

I love the Surrender of allowing God to have God's way.

sleepin in.

2010-09-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept in this late in a long time. It feels awesome!! I've been pushing the Layla envelope with three! (yes three!) nights in a row going to bed after midnight! (ack!) Today, I woke so so so so tired. I've been given an assignment in my step work that is very pivotal and this week has been so busy (there's a lesson; I'm going to get to it)! Every time I started writing for my assignment, something would come up, or I couldn't see the exact harm I've caused...I was getting frustrated, and ended up canceling my appointment to go over the list. I need more time.

I was flexible with myself this morning, too. Being so tired, and only functioning on six hours of sleep did not sound like a super way to start my day--even though Saturdays are my favorites. In the four weeks I've been home, I've begun this darling Saturday routine: up at 0700, Kundalini yoga, quick breakfast, 0845 book study and coffee meeting, 1030 meeting, home around noon feeling rejuvenated and serene.

Well, today, I crawled out of bed at 0950! WOWZA! I didn't go to my meetings, I didn't yoga. I've been super flexible with myself this week around activity. I was on a roll before this week began: hiking, yoga-ing, doing something every day...Then, I just paused for this week. It seemed too overwhelming with all I have going on.

So, as far as my lesson for the week, here goes. (I haven't gotten to the lesson learned part; I'm still in the discomfort of awareness). I've set my date for NCLEX. September 23. That's in THIRTEEN days. I took advice from those near to me and scheduled studying time EACH day this week..Starting with Monday. On Monday, it didn't work. The program Noriko lent me to use for practice questions wasn't loading and I got frustrated. I did end up doing 180 practice questions, and that was a super starting point. But, unfortunately, aside from a half hour of Princeton Review work booking on Thursday, that's all. I've. done.

My discomfort lies in letting other things be more important than this study time. More important than me working my 8th step. More important than getting enough rest each night. It feels like procrastination disguised by my being too busy. I'm putting things in front of studying and working my steps.

It's uncomfortable. And, I'm so so so grateful for the awareness. This morning, I've made a delicious breakfast, coffee, and am listening to Wait Wait. I am catching up the blog world with my lessons. I work a 24-hour shift beginning at 1700 tonight, and have a busy day planned with my little kiddo tomorrow. The good news? It's only 1100 and I have six hours to focus on NCLEX. (My goal for today is a solid three hours of studying). I look forward to sitting in awareness around this lesson of putting myself first and transitioning into acceptance.

A fun note: I was flirted with last night by a man I find totally sweet, intelligent and kind. It was very exciting and fun and we made plans for Tuesday night. Hmmmm....So didn't see that coming.

An awesome God note: my darling friend is out of surgery, her discharge papers are signed and we had an awesome conversation this morning. Her voice doesn't sound groggy at all; she sounds great. She will be home this afternoon, and I'll get to see her tomorrow. God is so great! (Thank you for answering prayers, and allowing my darling friend to be safe, without complication, and hopeful!)

A body note: I plan to do a whole blog about this because it's totally weirding me out but I'm in size 12 pants--like, totally in a size 12. I weigh 165 pounds. I haven't been this little since 2002. (little: re: still overweight as BMI standards go, and I still feel I could lose another 20 pounds!) The future blog will be about how I thought it was going to feel, because it is surprising and weird, and I don't trust it, and I really thought fitting into those GAP size 12's and American Eagle size 12's I've kept for EIGHT YEARS would be more monumental than it was yesterday when I pulled them on and they were kind of loose.

A work note: I'm so excited about my new job, and didn't ask what would happen if I don't pass NCLEX--it is in the back of my mind. What if I don't pass?? I have a list of questions to ask the Director of Nursing next week, and will hopefully get more of an idea of what life working as Registered Nurse will be like. As far as childcare goes, I'm blown away at God providing so hugely for me right now. I am working lots, and having fun, and enjoying the kiddos with whom I keep company. I am so blessed!!

I hope this day is treating you well. It's a big day for American history--nine years ago today. I think it's important to live life to the fullest on this day--heck! I think that of every day, but especially today. There seems something powerful about enjoying the freedoms of this American life and celebrating them. For me, celebrating the joy of American life is the best way I can acknowledge the awful of September 11.

My Prayer for You.

2010-09-10T07:30:00.003-07:00

Right now, you are in for surgery.
I am scared, and sad, and friggin' pissed off this is happening to you.
In that breath, I love you and I love the universe that created our lives side by side one another's.
I trust in God.
I trust in whatever this is, this Crappy McCrapperston that is in your body, that there is a bigger purpose, that you will be strong enough, that well, shoot...I don't even know what to trust in because it's in you but the good news is I trust you.
I pray the surgeon is guided with knowledge, intuition and ability to rid your body of those bad cells.
I pray the nurses you encounter treat you with shining love, concern and beyond-competent nursing care.
I pray your body will flourish with strength to heal post surgery.
I pray your heart will be rampant with courage and trust.
I pray your friends will be exactly what you need.
I pray your children will be surrounded with laughter and love during this time, so your heart and mind won't worry about them--any more than you already will, I'm sure.
I pray your husband will be exactly the support you need and his own concern will be assuaged.
I pray for you, friend. In that breath I surround your name with
Courage.
Strength.
Love.
Light.
Healing.
Strength.
Strength.
Strength.
You live an authentic life full of passion, joy, and sweet giving. It is such an honor to know you, to be around your amazing children, and to see you glow during this time, and each of the moments that have comprised the past three years I've known you.
Thank you for illuminating Grace.
I pray for your recovery and your increased trust in the physician's supervising your Cure.
I pray for you.

I love you and can't wait to hug you on Sunday.

fifteen.

2010-09-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

My friend Jess posted this on Facebook and I'm not so much a poster on the faceplace anymore...I like the personal accountability of blogging, and I appreciate not being wrapped up in the Facebook....
That being said, I adored the premise of this note she posted and wanted to reciprocate, too.

The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

Little Earthquakes--Tori Amos
Nebraska--Bruce Springsteen
Joshua Tree--U2
Murmur--REM
Graceland--Paul Simon
The Animal Years--Josh Ritter
Good News For People Who Love Bad News--Modest Mouse
Sand in the Vaseline--Talking Heads
Blood on the Tracks--Bob Dylan
Boys for Pele--Tori Amos
Seventh Tree--Goldfrapp
Automatic for the People--REM
Astral Weeks--Van Morrison
The Wall--Pink Floyd
Living in Clip--Ani DiFranco

What are your top fifteen??

thoughtmusic. (v.2)

2010-09-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a cd mix from last year and this song came on:

I was singing along loudly and thinking what an AMAZING break-up song this is. (This video is pretty spectacular as well!) While singing along I was thinking of other super awesome break-up songs--not to be sad or invoke any thoughts (regarding my recent break-up) because, really, that's not what this post is about--more just an appreciate for really super music!

This song is Gloria Gaynor at her finest but when performed by Cake--It just invokes serious survival skills.

I adore Jenny Lewis--in whatever form she takes: solo artist, lead of Rilo Kiley, love interest to Fred Savage in The Wizard!. Seriously, she's a gem. Especially when singing this song:

Now, for a gem of sad goodness. This song breaks my heart every time I hear it because I can hear the emotion, I can feel the emotion Tori Amos puts into it....I have felt this heartbreak.

And, the grand finally of Break-Up gems---at least now, when I think of all the joy that can come from a break-up---it's dancing like this, with the sentiment of knowing the dude is missing out. Totally. Missing. Out.

What are your favorite break-up songs?

HIRED!

2010-09-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

I was hired today at a 16-bed acute-care facility in my community.
I am blown away.
And so thrilled.

I begin orientation on September 27---after I pass NCLEX and get the good fortune of seeing Michael Franti & Spearhead in concert in Flagstaff September 26.

I am so delirious with gratitude and awe I can feel my head floating a little higher than it was before 1600 this afternoon.

Now, I'm making donuts for a sweet friend's birthday celebration tomorrow.
And walking in a somewhat stupor of gratitude and amusement that this is indeed my life.
Ohmygosh!

So blessed.

perfect timing.

2010-09-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

Today's Reminder from God is spot on!
I leave in an hour for a job interview---

Trust in Me and leave to Me the choosing of the day and hour, then My miracle-working Power is made manifest.

There is something beautiful about today--is it things are falling into place? is it the delicious apple I'm eating from finally at last apples are in season New Frontier's? is it the beautiful kiddos I was able to be around today??

I'm not sure but today feels peaceful, calm and wonderful, and I am filled with joy.

sweet.

2010-09-06T14:32:00.002-07:00

From today's Reminder from God:

Be calm, assured, at rest.

I love you.

I find a great comfort in hearing God say these words to me right now. Paternal, loving, and kind, and most of all, welcome to my ears in this moment.

flexibility and being enough.

2010-09-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

I woke this morning with the intent of a yoga sesh and a trip to the market for fixin's for a breakfast guest. I didn't get to sleep until latelate for me, 1230a!, and was very tired when the 7a alarm went off. I showered, listened to this song loudly! and got ready--Wandered through the market with a fuzzy head realizing I usually don't leave with the house without breakfast or coffee, and I needed to get home ASAP to get some food in my body!!

The AC repair man was due to arrive at 0900 to cool my home (just in time as today is not near as hot as the weekend had been, but at least now we're up and running for whatever heat September has left to offer). I wasn't sure the exact arrival of my breakfast guest, but I got juice, toast and coffee in me and went to check my email---

Well....my guest said he wasn't going to make it. Hmm...Okay! I was so thrilled I took care of myself and didn't wait for his arrival to feed my body. I was a little disappointed and then, took a breath, and thought, this is okay! I can be flexible!

I put on Youth in Revolt and had a grand time!! This film is FUN! Very well written, with lots of laugh out loud moments, and darling Michael Cera sure is cute.

image credit here

Sweet movie, good laughs, and a reminder that being me is being enough.

Happy Labor Day!

the first woman.

2010-09-06T03:35:00.000-07:00

Did you know according to Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman? Or, am I just trusting in silly wikipedia to give me information that isn't true?? Either way, this wiki article is a good read, and today my Pandora radio stations (Bruce Springsteen, Arcade Fire, and Tallest Man on Earth via Quick Mix) have given me some DELICIOUS gems.

Enjoy!

Yay Music!!

strange and graceful ease

2010-09-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly two weeks since my big catch up the world post about the end of my trip and start of life back in Prescott. And, I have been home for just over three weeks. I am amazed how quickly time flies--and that I've been able to transition into life so well. In hindsight, of course.

I panicked when I got home. P.A.N.I.C.K.E.D. I was a mess and reminded of a certain prayer to keep me focused on life bigger than me, and a Power Bigger than me that will provide!

Eternal God, Lead me now out of my familiar setting, where doubts and fears reside. Lead me beyond my pride and my need to be secure, into strange and graceful ease. Your arms of hope support me, and I hear your voice in my silence. I will grow strong enough to endure and be flexible enough to share your grace with others.

Then, life started happening. After my initial panic I got myself to a meeting QUICK and began to get the much sought after serenity I had been lacking after eight long weeks away from the rooms that help keep me focused on a spiritual solution. I've been making four to five meetings a week, making lots of phone calls, and getting back on track with my recovery. It's been wonderful, and I'm reminded how much work living this spiritual solution is. Today, I'm willing.

I also knew I needed to find a roommate with whom to share my awesome space. I found Noriko through Craigslist and have not had any problem with the site so I posted a prayer-inspired post, and got quite a few responses--all of them felt alright. Then, Jeremia wrote, and YEP!! God is awesome, we emailed for a day or so, talked on the phone, and then Sunday Aug 15 he came by to check out the space, meet me in person, and that afternoon paid the deposit to be my housemate. Wow, God!! Quick work!!

He moved in Aug 25 and so far, so great!! I think we're finding our 'living together, getting to know each other' vibe out and it's working well!

A lot of my fear and panic was looped in and entangled around money. Imagine that. I was so afraid I wouldn't have enough, wouldn't be able to pay bills, rent, food, any of it. Why is it so hard for me to remember that God has my back?? I heard this week: If God leads you to it, God will lead you through it. God is leading me to the miracles and joy of my every day life, so OF COURSE God is going to lead me through the 'supposed' trial of daily living.

I started to let go of the outcome. Reminded again of another prayer ridiculously helpful:

God, enlighten me. Help me recognize Your will. Give me the strength to execute Your will for my life. I willingly let you take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences.

Yes. I willingly let God take control of my life and the outcome of my experiences. That does not mean I sit in my home and pray for money to fill my accounts and pay my expenses. No. So, I reached out, I lined up work with families I worked with before I left. And, all has been okay!!   My fear has been slowly decreasing. I do have moments of fear, but I have to remind myself fear doesn't leave me completely, and fear is a reminder to trust God. Fear is an opportunity for me to practice faith. I am grateful for these reminders.

Without giving away too much, I have come home to two friends dealing with stupidyuckylotsofswearwords & expletives: Cancer. I have a myriad of emotion around these diagnoses. I am confused, frustrated, angry, sad, and utterly powerless. I am reminded of the beauty of the Al-Anon program with regard to alcoholism initially, but applicable to everything: I did not cause this, I cannot cure this, and I cannot control this. Oh sweet powerlessness: I embrace you now as this yucky yuck enters my community and I ask that you show me what I can do to be of service, not judge, be kind and tolerant and most of all, loving.

I have written about it loads, and I know if you keep up with this blog at all you know I have my test date for NCLEX.  I am beyond excited to apply my belief and faith in God's will around this exam, do my footwork, which means STUDYSTUDYSTUDY, and rock the socks of this sucker. September 23, baby!! A perfect day--autumnal equinox, equal parts sun and night, and the beginning of my favorite season, Fall. And, a full moon to boot. I'm taking the exam in the city of my birth, Mesa, Arizona. Magical beauty of course!! Do I subscribe that all these magical events are ripe to my passing NCLEX? No!! I do subscribe that this date feels right, my instinctual thought says YES! and after prayerful consideration and a very good night's sleep, this will be the date I take my knowledge, hard work and Higher Power to the testing center, sit down, breathe deeply and test for Registered Nurse status.

For about ten days while I was home, I found myself sleeping and waking to the sun's schedule. I was blown away about this--Partly because I realized this rhythmic cycle began in Switzerland, and it was timely there. The sun didn't completely set until 930 or 10p and didn't rise until 630a. A perfect eight + hours of sleep!! And, in California, I was fighting jetlag so the sun didn't factor in, and in Oregon, again, the sun was setting later thanks to Oregon's observance of daylight savings and I could rise with the sun at the 6a hour and feel well rested. Well, here in Arizona, where daylight savings is just a day on the calendar and not an action taken twice a year, the sun was setting at 730p!! So, guess who was climbing into bed with Stieg Larsson and falling to sleep by 830p and rising between 530a and 6a with the sunrise?? This girl. I fought it at first and judged the heck out of it, (what an old lady I am to go to bed at 730p!!) then I embraced this beautiful ability to sleep and rise with the Earth. I think I have adjusted to being back in Arizona now, and the sun's setting doesn't equate bedtime to me anymore, but I am rising with the sun still and there is such a beauty to that wakening.

I've been incorporating way more activity into my life than I ever have before and I absolutely credit God, Switzerland life, motivation from JJ and a fifteen pound weight loss since May. I've been doing Kundalini Yoga at home three to four times a week., hiking with girlfriends one to three times a week, and have been challenged and inspired by Yoga Flow on Fridays.  My body is shifting. My thighs are changing shape, my waist is 30 inches (!!!), and I'm in clothes I haven't worn since 2001 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I'm falling more in love with my body than I ever have before, save freshman year of high school when I was a two-a-day volleyball champion running, squatting, crunching my way to a super fit 14-year old body. I didn't know then I wouldn't have that body when I was in my twenties. If only....For now, though, there is a deep joy with feeling love with the body that is looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm embarking on some deep spiritual lessons about forgiveness, judgment, acceptance, and internal discomfort. It's uncomfortable, and at times I feel like a failure and a fugg up. Then, I thank God for giving me awareness about areas in which I get to grow, accept my humanness, and do the next indicated thing.

I think this brings me up to current! I am home. I am studying for NCLEX. I test September 23. I am interviewing for a RN position Tuesday. I'm working with kiddos that inspire me with laughter, sweetness, and joy. I am surrounded by friends that have courage and strength unprecedented. I am open to miracles and shown that graceful ease is a lot of times strange and doesn't look how I think it should, which I believe is God's way of showing up even more gracefully and miraculously.

Love to you!

Reading Rainbow.

2010-09-05T17:10:00.003-07:00

image credit weheartit

I loved Reading Rainbow as a kid. I think I've mentioned it here before years ago but I would sit in front of my mirror in my bedroom and do 'book reports' like the kids on the show. I would excitedly and animatedly tell of the plot and illustrations of the books I just finished. I was probably nine or ten.

Since college, the first go-around in 1997, I have kept a 'book journal' of each book I've read. I am compulsive about it, and shoot for yearly goals for number of books read. I try to read 12 each year and always surprise myself by bypassing that goal.

In a lot of ways, I think my book journal is just me still sitting in front of the mirror doing my own personal book report on my favorite PBS show.

With that background, I must inform you to get and read The Millenium Trilogy by Steig Larsson. These books are phenomenally written by Stieg Larsson, painting a vibrant and detailed Swedish world of crime, violence and triumph. I have found,without giving too much away, despite the initial violence of the first book, the series is in its whole a tribute to the power of Women.

If you're stuck and not sure what to read, get this series. I can promise by page 50 of the first book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, you will be hooked. The initial description of Lisbeth Salander hooked me and I couldn't put it down. I immediately devoured books two and three of the series.

Happy Reading!!

(And, on that note: What are you reading that you can't put down?? I was sidetracked by Mr. Larsson's vivid world so I'm just now finishing Edward Abbey's Desert Solitaire and thanks to my mom, have received Lit by Mary Karr which I'm insanely excited to begin. I'm still chewing on The Spirituality of Imperfection every few days and also trying to get at least an hour of NCLEX studying in each day. Ohmygosh, I love to read.)

Serendipity.

2010-09-05T12:01:00.001-07:00

Merriam-Webster defines serendipity as : the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for; also : an instance of this. When I first read the definition I was a bit confused--especially as I've been saying, wow! This is all very serendipitous what has been happening lately. Well, as Merriam-Webster defines the word, what has been happening hasn't been serendipitous at all, as I am SEEKING after the things that are happening.

I wrote about receiving my authorization code, and I was so so so excited. Almost too excited. I had a difficult time being present Thursday afternoon, and finally found that September 23 was available and would be a great day to test. Yet, I couldn't click confirm, so I slept on my decision.

Friday morning, I woke, coffeed, showered, and clicked confirm for testing September 23 in Mesa, Arizona.

Feels so great.

I sent out a text to my support crew letting all know I confirmed my date, and this adventure of Registered Nurse is becoming more real as the day approaches. Five minutes after I sent out the text, and confirmed my test date I got a call from a job I had applied to six days earlier.

Mind you, I've applied for nine jobs so far since being back in Prescott. I've not heard from any of them. I am a blessed individual and have been able to continue doing childcare and nanny work for the past four weeks. I am so blessed---I still have money in savings, I'm able to afford my life, and I'm in awe at the way God provides for me!!

I want to stay in Prescott, and I would love to find a nursing job here and continue growing and flourishing in this amazing community of family here. So, while working in the meantime as a nanny, I've been applying for nursing jobs as they come available.

So, my surprise to get a call from a job I had applied to a week earlier!! And, get this: the question she asked was, "Have you set your test date yet?" Now, Merriam-Webster tells me serendipity is more of an accidental find and not a purposeful seeking. I purposefully sought this job and this kind woman purposefully called me to inquire after my test date and my license. Am I making more of a simple phone call and its timing? Perhaps. I just find it completely amazing I set my test date and five minutes later I'm called about an employment opportunity and my test date.

I turned in my resume, cover letter, application and letters of recommendation (I went in with my artillery!) on Friday to another company and met with the Human Resources fella and had an awesome conversation about my inexperience in nursing, and my excitement at getting experience.

Nursing is a phenomenal field, and it's quite specific. My education the past two years has been broad and varied. I've done clinical work in long-term care facilities, ICU's, Emergency Departments, surgery centers, labor halls, postpartum wings, medical units, post-surgery units, cardiovascular units, endoscopy units, and psychiatric units. I have not had the opportunity to specialize except for my internship January through April. My experience was perfect, too, because it was there I realized I don't know if I'm ready to begin my dream of midwifery just yet. I think I want to experience life as an RN doing all types of nursing. I want to do it all. (This is not surprising to me).

So, applying for jobs means I have to WOW! my future employers with my go-get-em attitude and ability to apply the broad knowledge of nursing school into a specific field. I have to explain the dilemma of the Catch-22: Hire me even though I don't have the experience you're after. Train me so I will have the experience you're after. Please. You will not regret it because I'm eager, excited and willing to learn! I am ready to begin this amazing career!

I have an interview Tuesday with a 16-bed hospital in the area and I'm so excited about the opportunity. Is it what I thought I would be applying for? Is it what I sought after? No! It is a surprise, it is serendipitous, and I'm so excited!!

flashing back.

2010-09-03T21:45:00.001-07:00

I'm flashing back to 1998. I'm making agar plates in Dr. Powis' lab at the Arizona Cancer Center in Tucson, Arizona, and this song is playing from the radio with the antenna that is taller than me, and when the beat gets faster, I dance and marvel at how much I love science and Ani DiFranco and titrating chinese herbs to fight cancer.

Agar smells like nutritional yeast, if you're interested.

And, if you're not, enjoy this song.

Authorization.

2010-09-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

I received in my email today a very nice and well-timed email from 'NCLEXATT.'
I have my Authorization To Test Code.
Which means I am able to sign up for NCLEX.

My future is within grasp. I taste it, feel it, and envision success! NCLEX is the pinnacle of exams I've taken the past three years. It is the exam that grants me Registered Nurse status in Arizona, and thankfully, because Arizona is considered a 'Compact State' this also means I'll be licensed to practice nursing, when I pass, of course, in 22 other states. (Unfortunately, not any of the fun ones, like Hawai'i where my mom lives, or Washington, where Whitney lives, but Texas is a Compact State, so you never know!! Maybe I head back to good ol' Pine Tree Land!!)

Regardless of where I end up, this is where it begins.

I'm thinking September 23 but don't know yet....
I almost booked the test, was thiiisssss close to clicking 'confirm' but my gut said, WAIT! So, I waited. I made a necessary phone call to my support person, and was told that if my gut says, WAIT! I wait.

What a gift of intuitive thought.

Tonight, I sleep on what it means for me to sit for NCLEX on September 23.
Tomorrow, I'll be sure to let you know.

things i love.

2010-09-02T07:10:00.001-07:00

Happy September Everyone!
I'm overcome with love this morning---

I love

coffee
serendipity
green leaves
Morning Edition on npr
Sonja
a freshly made bed with clean sheets
successful list making (it's successful when things get crossed off!)
blogs
children
iTunes Genius
Gorilla vs Bear
XMU on Sirius Radio
being part of a community
being a good friend
having good friends
having enough
loving God
not knowing how to answer the question, "Layla, where do you go to church?"
physical activity
not stressing out if I don't get to work out today. well, not totally stressing out
applying for jobs
envisioning my future
feeling a deep and sweet love for myself
learning all about cancer so my knowledge can be power.
turning over cancer to God
trying not to hate cancer, even though sometimes I really do, and really, cancer is just cells gone a little wayward. I can appreciate waywardness---I just don't appreciate waywardness in the lives of women I love.
dancing
yoga
Switzerland
Hawai'i
my mom
Prescott, Arizona

What do you love?

more proof.

2010-08-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

Lots of things pop culture this week!!
Just can't get enough!!

This is coming to my mailbox soon. Ohmygoodness.
(Thanks, Nate!)

Gleed out.

2010-08-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

I cried from joy at this 2010 Emmy Opening.
There is just something so truly GLEEFUL about singing and dancing and Tina Fey and Jon Hamm and Jimmy Fallon and Betty White! and the Glee Cast and well, even though I don't have television I sure do love youtube for giving me all things Glee.

Happy Monday!

thoughtmusic.

2010-08-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

proof God loves me.

2010-08-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

Rolling Stone sends me emails with images.
This one was greeting me this afternoon.

Oooooohhhh, Bruce.
I love you so.

DIGITAL OVERLOAD!!

2010-08-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Please, please, check out today's Fresh Air with Terry Gross.

Every bit of the research interviewee Matt Richtel talks about is intriguing, amazing, and something to think about. Toward the end of the interview there is talk of what all this digital overload will do to little frontal lobes that are developing now---

There is research being done about the urgency I feel when I hear the 'ding dong' of my phone when a text comes through! I am so thrilled scientists are looking into what this digital age is doing to our brains!

I love, also, that I'm posting this on my blog.

Irony! I love her so!

Happy Tuesday!

Three tomatoes are walking along...

2010-08-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

You know the joke, right? From Pulp Fiction? The baby tomato is being quite slow, following along behind his Mama and Papa tomato and the Papa tomato squishes baby tomato and says, 'Ketch Up!'

Well, this is a Catch Up Post.

I've been back in the USA nearly three weeks. So much has happened in that time! I didn't feel fit to write about all that has occurred until, weirdly, I caught up on the blogs I read. When I set my mind to something, well, sometimes I can be quite inflexible! So, I slowly began my blogroll of reads...and let me tell you! I sure do love the blog world! One blog I follow, Ms. Sheryl at BitchCakes has achieved her weight loss goal and her subsequent posts have been fabulously positive and inspiring! Another friend, Danielle at SometimesSweet, is progressing beautifully with life, baby in utero, and home buying! Angela, at Scatter Sunshine, has been posting some really fun faith posts and intriguing-get-my-mind-rolling goodness that has been fun to keep up with this summer. And, finally, I posted yesterday how my favorite music blogs are keeping me excited and up to date with all things Indie & College Rock. It's been fun catching up with the blog world.

My turn, now, I guess.

I will save this for a future 'Ode to Switzerland' post but before I left JJ had mentioned that coming home was harder jet lag to handle than arriving to Switzerland. That wasn't my experience last year so I couldn't agree, but this year, this year, I agree.. Jet lag was intense. Reverse Culture shock was intense. More on this later... I was in a plane for 15 hours, and awake for 29 (minus the five hours I slept on planes two and three, total.) I will say in gratitude: The long flight, London to Chicago, I was upgraded to Business Class, and YESSSSSSSSS! Soooo roomy and lovely; it was a treat!

I arrived to San Diego with Nate as my hero---he carried my luggage, brought me flowers (I LOVE FLOWERS!) and told me I didn't have to 'be' anything to anyone. Such a relief. Life in San Diego is fun, and we ate delicious Thai food at 11p and with a full belly I crawled to his home, showered, and tried to sleep.

Nate and I planned a pretty epic road trip upon my arrival to San Diego with one day for us to get things together, and for me to rest. In hindsight, was that the best idea? Probably not. But as my recovery, my faith, and my reliance on a power greater than myself have taught me there are no mistakes in God's world. So, Thursday, we left for San Luis Obispo.

When did my wrinkles happen?? I am a wrinkle face!

God is awesome, and Noriko, my darling roommate, moved out of our shared home on Aug 4--that very day, instead of flying to Chicago, she flew to SANTA ANA! to see a mutual instructor of ours. Do you know what that means??? Goodness, of course! Serendipity! Santa Ana is on the way to San Luis Obispo from San Diego, dontchaknow, and Nate was willing for us to take a quick hour detour so I could have a sweet visit with my darling friend.

I am blessed to have such sweet companionship in Noriko.

We arrived in San Luis Obispo with a few bumps along the way. It was during this drive I began to feel something. I called it Jet Lag until a few days ago. I was craving alone time, and didn't know how to get it. I was craving home, and was surprised I wasn't feeling at home with Nate, with all the travel we had planned. I wasn't acting my best self.

Nate is a darling road companion.

From San Luis Obispo we drove to Mount Shasta and scored an ULTIMATE camping spot at Castle Crags State Park. We were right on the Sacramento River---it was cooooollldddd water and quite refreshing for an early morning soak!

Refreshing Gurgling Sweet River Water

This was my first time camping in 'Bear Country!' We had a 'bear locker' at our spot to lock our food in and we didn't see any bears. It was kind of fun to be in such a special place, where bears hang out too.

For dinner, we made Macro Platters and this was my first time having Sriracha in six weeks! YUM! (please note the oscillating fan hair look!!! I sure love my long hair but abhor having it on my neck when I'm hot!! Hence the monstrosity of a bun I sometimes sport).

My favorite picture of Nate from the whole ten days we were together. His smile melts me.

From Mt. Shasta we drove to Bend, Oregon to visit some dear friends of mine, Amber, Jared and their son, Logan.

My first time in Oregon! I had to stop for the photo op despite having a bit of a headache (hence the crummy face. The Sun was bright!)

In Bend, we had dinner at Deschutes Brewery and this was a tasty Mirror Pond Pale Ale. And, 5dl of beer was a lot for a girl used to light lagers mixed with 7up all summer....Oh yummy Panache, I miss you so!

Nate and me enjoying the fun and friendship of Deschutes!

Me and Amber, darling friend!

In Bend, things took quite the turn. I will not go into details as they're too private for blogworld but I will say I learned so much this Saturday August 7. I learned about myself. I learned about Nate. I learned what I'm capable of, and what I no longer find works for me. I thought I already knew these things, but putting them into practice proved difficult with what I had stacked up against me: fatigue, jet lag, beer, needing alone time and not knowing how to get it.

I don't wish to take back what happened this night because I'm reminded there are no mistakes in God's world. I do wish to act in forgiveness of myself, truly love myself, and ponder and reflect on how my actions affect others. No matter my excuse--the perfect storm of circumstances leading up to crummy behavior--my behavior happened, and it affected my relationship with Nate. I woke up Sunday hungover from behavior. I was weak with regret and guilt and it wasn't until I found some alone time in the shape of a tearful and warm shower, I was able to get on my knees, seek forgiveness from One Greater than Me, and move forward.

And move forward we did, Nate and me. It was tentative and slow. We were both hurting and hesitant what the next step of our long distance romance would be. (I shouldn't say 'we' as I don't speak for Nate, but those were the feelings I had). Sunday we drove to Breitenbush Hot Springs Resort and it is here I REQUIRE YOU TO MAKE YOUR NEXT TRIP TO THIS HEALING SPACE!!

We spent three days, two nights, at Breitenbush, and it was so magical. I had that desired and sought after alone time with my journal, I soaked in healing, warm mineral water, and washed my body in an outside shower next to the flowing Breitenbush River. I began the loving and powerful process of forgiving myself. And it was here, Tuesday August 10, Nate and I decided to no longer be a Romantic Couple. Is Breitenbush the type of place I expected to break up with Nate? Ohmyword, NO!! The day previous we saw a couple get married! It is a loving and sacred place, and I guess that is why I find it so fitting we did break up there. Because, remember, there are no mistakes in God's world.

What a gift--we were grown-ups! We talked it through. We expressed our hurts, our tears, our feelings, and our love for each other. We decided it was no longer going to work for us and for each of us, that meant hurting a little bit now, so we don't hurt ourselves or each other more in the future.

Hindsight. That beautiful word. Dictionary.com tells me it's the "recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence." Yep. I agree. I am aware of the reality of what a hefty road trip can do for a relationship after such a long time apart. I see the possibility of doing things differently now but am without that ability as Nate and I are now toeing the line of 'just being friends.' I am grateful for reflection and the ability to learn from my relationships.

The social psychologist George Herbert Mead coined the term significant other to indicate the one who signifies or reflects back to us the meanings of our gestures and, in so doing, develops with us our ability to act meaningfully with others. (quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz & Ketcham). I find this to be absolutely true as I ponder and reflect my time with Nate. A sweet gift and blessing he was as a significant other.

Leaving Breitenbush Tuesday August 10 with a car packed full of gear, heading toward Chico for a few more days
together. This is our last picture together.

We spent two nights in Chico, California on our way back to Prescott. Nate is a gracious, generous man, and was on board to continue our trip as planned despite our decision to no longer be Romancers. We eliminated Yosemite from the trip, and decided after Chico to head straight to Prescott.

I don't have any pictures on my camera after this point. I must have just mentally stopped needing the desire for future memories and have my mind's camera to refer. We had a great time in Chico, where Nate is from. We went to his favorite park growing up, enjoyed a Sampler at Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, and I continued to enjoy Nate's great company.

I am so blessed to have gotten to know this man. He is super great! And, what a gift of five months we had together, working at a long distance relationship. He was by my side during what felt like a really difficult task--finishing and graduating Nursing School. He is a great friend, and I feel blessed I didn't put the pressure on this relationship to be the one, even though there are so many characteristics in Nate that 'could be.' I'm grateful I wasn't dependent on the outcome of Nate and me. I was dependent on the moments of Nate and me, and that is God doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

It was a 15 hour drive Chico, California to Prescott, Arizona, and we made it alive, peaceful, and still with respect for one another. (Again, I won't speak for Nate, but I will say, I sure do respect and love him). We decided to hit up one more Brewery, for posterity's sake, the place where Nate and I met, nine plus years ago. After a disgustingly overpriced salad and Nate's indulgence of a super yummy IPA we hit up Annie's Attic for some dancing, and that is when the feeling of returning home hit me hard.

I am home.

I was welcomed home with big hugs from my darling friends, Gwendolyn and Leta.

Leta, me, Gwendolyn before I left for Switzerland, June 2010

It was in dancing with Nate I got sad about our relationship ending. Oh, boy! how much I want a partner that enjoys dancing and moving his body!! Sadness aside, we danced for a while and then headed to my home.

I walked in and was awash with stagnant air, a Sonja kitty that had lost a few pounds, and sweet Noriko's energy palpably gone.

I began panicking and sobbing in a way I hadn't done for a couple years. Again, Nate showed his strength as a pretty stand-up guy. He held my hand, gave me hugs, and told me those words that help so much from a friend, "You're going to be okay."

Eight weeks away from home is a long time.

This post has turned so long, and so reflective!! I had no idea I had all this in me to get out---Well, maybe I did, and that's why I've been sitting on it, not wanting to write it! I will end here, though, and catch up with what life has been like now that I'm home.

Thanks for all the love while I've been away. It's been such a journey!

And, I remind myself, there are no mistakes in God's world!

this is more than just a music blog...

2010-08-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

I know it is.
I love more than just music.
I have so much to catch up in the blog world that first, i feel it appropriate to read the blogs I've been missing out on the past few weeks.
And, then I got hit with this gem. Gorilla vs. Bear has become one of my favorite blog stations on XMU on Sirius Radio and just like Aquarium Drunkard they do an amazing job of passing on some amazing tunes!!

Home by Glasser.
So perfect for where I am right now.
Exactly the song I need to hear to post again after nearly three weeks of not posting.

I am home, in Prescott, enjoying the song of the cicada and cool of the evening breeze. I have the I'm Not There soundtrack playing and I'm enjoying quinoa with basil, sautéed mushrooms and a Dr. Praeger's veggie burger for dinner.

I've visited a spirited and lovely friend in the hospital and had an amazing day.
I'm home.

(blog note: I promise to post more to catch up life to date. Music is always a nice segue)

Back in the USA.

2010-08-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

This is not the travel home post, where I talk about my 29-hour day. This is not the post about how cute Nate looked waiting for me at the bottom of the escalator when I was coming into baggage claim at San Diego. This isn't going to be the post where I discuss ethnocentrism and reverse culture shock.

Instead, this is the post about how much Amazon and its mp3 site love me.

Arcade Fire's new album 'The Suburbs' is only $3.99!!! Follow the link and enjoy the beauty that is amazing music welcoming one tired soul back to her home country. (Music from talented Canadians no less!)

Hope you all are well...
More posting to come!

Edward Abbey (v. 5)

2010-08-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

From Desert Solitaire

If a man's imagination were not so weak, so easily tired, if his capacity for wonder not so limited, he would abandon forever such fantasies of the supernal. He would learn to perceive in water, leaves and silence more than sufficient of the absolute and marvelous, more than enough to console him for the loss of ancient dreams.

My prayers the last few days have been about releasing the outcome of what is to happen when I get home. I am 13 days away from Prescott. I know not what I come home to. And, I am reminded by past experience my imagination isn't as powerful as I like to think.

Continually, I would hope for something, wish for something, desire something, thinking it the pivotal and most fabulous, and really? God's plan was so much more cohesive, brightly colored and seamless than what my imagination could scheme and want.

I appreciate Mr. Abbey's words in this context. If my imagination were so powerful, perhaps I wouldn't need to dream of celestial, heavenly beings creating my life for me. Perhaps that is why my imagination is limited, so I can release the possibility of my life to God, and trust in God's great imagination to see the the larger picture.

One more quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection, a quote from William James

Suppose, for example, that I am climbing in the Alps, and have had the ill-luck to work myself into a position from which the only escape is a terrible leap. Being without similar experience, I have no evidence of my ability to perform it successfully; but hope and confidence in myself make me sure I shall not miss my aim, and nerve my feet to execute what without those subjective emotions would perhaps have been impossible.

But suppose that, on the contrary, the emotions of fear and mistrust preponderate; or suppose that, have just read [WK Clifford's] Ethics of Belief, I feel it would be sinful to act upon an assumption unverified by previous experience--why, then I shall hesitate so long that at last, exhausted and trembling, and launching myself in a moment of despair, I miss my foothold and roll into the abyss.

In this case (and it is one of immense class) the part of wisdom clearly is to believe what one desires; for the belief is one of the indispensable preliminary conditions of the realization of its object. There are then cases where faith creates its own verification. Believe, and you shall be right, for you shall save yourself; doubt, and you shall be right, for you shall perish. The only difference is that to believe is greatly to your advantage.

Oh, I love this quote. In fact, I haven't read further in the book because I've been marinating on this idea of belief versus doubt. I adore, "Believe, and you shall be right, for you shall save yourself; doubt, and you shall be right, for you shall perish. The only difference is that to believe is greatly to your advantage."

I believe I'll get ready to depart Suisse now.
I have lots of time ahead to meditate, journal, pray and study for that (when the heck will they give me my test code) NCLEX.
I hope I sleep and my tummy feels a bit better. Six half slices of mozzarella isn't agreeing with me so well this morning, but I maintain the belief all will be well.

fundamentals.

2010-08-02T12:38:00.003-07:00

Soon, Nate. Soon.
Like, tomorrow, soon.....
I'm excited!

Beach time in La Jolla, I get to meet your Mom time in San Luis Obispo, Camping in Mt. Shasta, Sweet Amber, Jared & Logan time in Bend, Oregon, Breitenbush for three incredible days and two gorgeous camping side by side nights, Chico for some Nate as a Youngster time, Yosemite for my first time, and then Home to Prescott.

I look forward with excitement and anticipation to this leg of my journey, to the fundamentals we get to learn about each other and where our relationship is going.

Home is wherever I'm with You.

MOZZARELLA.

2010-08-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I arrived in St. Louis, France. Yes, readers, I am in France. And, this isn't just a plane change at Charles De Gaulle. No, this is me, Layla S. Gigax, sleeping in France. (It's a one-night-only affair.)

I traveled from Murren today.
I hugged and kissed goodbye the sweet family that has held my company for more than six weeks.
I got on the cable car and headed down to Lauterbrunnen. From there, I got on the train to Interlaken-Ost. At Interlaken, I got on the train to Bern. Bern looks AMAZING from the train. It is a city I hope to explore more! In Bern, I got on yet another train to Basel. I arrived at the Basel downtown train station and Basel looks FUN. Very very chic city---I would just be so thrilled to city-explore this fantastic Country! One day....One day.....

So, from downtown I hopped right on the bus to take me to EuroAirport, the Airport in Basel that services Basel, Mulhouse & Freiburg, among other cities. Basel is in the north of Switzerland, on the border with France and Germany. From the EuroAirport, I was to take my shuttle to the Ibis Hotel Mulhouse St. Louis (That's France, people).

I arrived at the airport. And, this is where I discovered more so that language and travel sometimes need to be in sync. And, the beauty of such small country borders. I was on the Swiss side (inside the airport, though at the time, I didn't know this) and I found the hotel kiosk where you ring the hotel you're after, they come pick you up, VOILA! Well, the Ibis Hotel I'm reserved at wasn't at the kiosk. Hmm.....

Next to the kiosk was a Hertz rent-a-car counter.
Excuse Me?
I asked the young dude probably facebooking while waiting for eager travelers to rent his fantastic cars: Do you speak English?
Yes, he said.
Where do I find the Hotel Ibis?
He continued: You need to go back to the bus station and go back to Basel Downtown. The Ibis is behind the Basel Downtown Train Station.

Oh. I said, and continued.
Well, So, I have a reservation at the Ibis in St. Louis.

Oh. He said, and continued.
You then need to go upstairs and cross over into France, cross the border, up there on the French side there is a kiosk for the French hotels.

OH.
(I walked away but inside I was grinning and skipping...I get to walk across the border INTO FRANCE! Inside a building!!!!)

So, I did just that. I took the escalator up (heavy bags=escalating) and walked into France.
When I was crossing over I thought, "OHMYGOD I'M IN FRANCE." I tried to contain my excitement. To not carry on like that crazy American, "OhmyGod, y'all, I'm IN FRANCE!!" (said with way more syllables than possibly necessary).

I found the kiosk and found my Hotel Ibis in Mulhouse St. Louis, and there was no phone with which to call! WHAT?!?!?

Good grief!
LIGHT BULB!

I have my laptop--let me fire it up and use Skype to call.
Great idea, except the wifi at the EuroAirport doesn't work.

Okay.
Next idea?

There was a darlingly cute blonde woman sitting behind yet another car rental counter. I walked to her and asked, 'Do you speak English?' 'A little,' she said with her envy-provoking French accent.

Ahhh...
I explained my plight: I don't have a phone to call the hotel, and the internet isn't working. Is it possible I may use your phone to call the Ibis?

Of course, she said.
Oh, oui oui oui! Merci Merci!!

She dialed the number, and I asked for a ride from the airport to the Hotel. The sweet lady on the other end of the phone directed me where to go. "Outside, by the Taxis" (I wish accent could be typed. This post would be ripe with accent).

I went outside and waited by the Taxis.
About ten minutes later, a very nice Frenchman came to take me to my hotel. He put my heavy bags in his trunk and away we went. The song that played from his car's radio was '(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction' by The Rolling Stones. Oh, Mick. To hear your ironic voice at this lovely time! I smiled, and peered out at this French city life. So near to Switzerland, and busy with streets and cars and buildings older than my native Arizona eyes know.

I made it to my hotel and the driver asked me, in French, 'Parlez-vous francais?' 'Non,' I said. 'Anglais.' He said, 'Enjoy Paris.'

I laughed, and checked into my hotel.

My room is delightful. I have a bathroom shaped like a pod and clean floors and a very comfortable bed. I have an internet connection. It's raining here and I ventured out to find some food. Dinner didn't start until 1900 and I was HUNGRY.

I found a market and bought the YUMMIEST tofu ravioli, dark chocolate rice cakes and sweet sesame crackers. All Vegan! YAY! Vegan snacks!! With the help of my darling Whitney I translated the dinner menu via gmail chat, and it was all meat choices for me, so I thought some snacks would be nice to have--I could go into dinner and just have a salad, that would be perfect.

Parfait!

Walking around the French-speaking streets of St. Louis was so fun. It was raining, and the streets are cobblestone. I sploshing in puddles and giggling at the fact I'm adventuring in France!!! Even though I know so little French it's embarrassing and I'm so in love with all things French I should know more French!

I came home to my cute little room, chowed on my yummy food, and enjoyed some solo time. At ten of seven, I went down to the hotel restaurant and asked the cute little French only speaking server if she had any vegetarian, vegetable only salads? She said, OUI! The Italian Salad would be parfait!'

SUPER!
I ordered a glass of almost too sweet Pinot Gris and enjoyed Desert Solitaire while I waited for my Italian Salad.

And it came.

Six slices of tomato layered with six slices of mozzarella cheese dressed in a pesto dressing and three, yes, I counted, THREE lettuce leaves as decoration in the center.

And, you guessed it,
I ate the entire thing.

I thought once, "Yikes, I hope this doesn't upset my tummy for tomorrow." And then I took another bite.
It was delicious.

I finished my dinner with an exceptionally dainty and delicious espresso.
My only regret is I didn't take my camera to dinner to exhibit proof of such amazing Frenchness.

If they have croissants at breakfast tomorrow, I don't think I'll be able to resist.

So, that's my Vegan Tale in France. I love it here, and I'm only 5km from the border of Suisse. Not Paris, but France nonetheless.

I leave tomorrow from EuroAirport at 1225 for London. London greets me with the long flight, London to Chicago. Then, Chicago to San Diego. I land tomorrow night at 2205 in San Diego. I will be tired, stinky and ready for a huge squeeze from one Nate B.

We begin our adventure on August 5. More to come on that!

Me! With a world-traveler's new found way to curl her hair, and the yummiest dark chocolate rice crackers ever.

Oh! I want to leave you with the coolest, most lovely and awesome video. This song is the first in my iTunes playlist, titled, 'the Swiss life 2010.' The lyrics follow the video. This song rules!

Modern Drift by Efterklant

I can keep my head inside

when the modern drift is all I have.

You can pull my head aside

but the modern drift is all I have.

When the moment dies

and I come to you

with a broken lie

that I made for you.

If I wait to see you

with the living ghosts

will they catch your sight

or the back of you?

I can keep my head inside

when the modern drift is all I have.

You can pull my head aside

but the modern drift is all I have.

We appear so strong

but we're all afraid.

They will play your hands

like a puppeteer.

And the dreams aren't true

but we know it—we know that tune

that the angel sings to the hollow death:

"I can keep my head inside

when the modern drift is all I have.

"You can pull my head aside

but the modern drift is all I have.

"It's all I have".

Good night, France.

It's been an unbelievable pleasure.

Head and Heart

2010-07-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

I am reading two phenomenal books right now. One by Edward Abbey and One by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham. One is prose about life in Moab, Utah in the late 1950s while Mr. Abbey worked as a park ranger in Arches National Park. The other is a collection of stories reinforcing the spiritual life, "stories you tell that may save someone's life, stories for anyone interested in an age-old tradition of spiritual literature that asks the hard questions of the human condition." These books feel linked to me, and I'm enjoying reading them simultaneously.

This is a pretty hefty quoted chunk from the latter book, The Spirituality of Imperfection. I've read these last few paragraphs five or six times, and each time, they say something different. I need to share them.

Fundamental to human be-ing is a root sense of connectedness--and specifically of that connectedness as somehow lost, missing, or wounded. The resultant yearning to be in some way united with reality beyond or larger than one's self underlies all art, religion, and love. When that connection is not present, we experience alienation and separation, a sense that "something is wrong" or, as the philosopher Alfred North Whitehead put it in locating the origins of spirituality, "Something is awry." We reach out to touch, we ache for contact, but something is missing. In the absence of that connection, we experience the sensation of being fractured, torn apart, pulled in a dozen different directions.

Putting the fractured pieces back together again--setting the bone back in its socket, bringing some wholeness to the sense of "torn-to-pieces-hood"--requires acknowledgment and acceptance of the essential connection between vision and feeling, between head and heart. Yet from the beginning of humankind's thoughtful presence on earth, human beings have been breaking themselves up into two--body-mind, thoughts-emotions, head-heart. Having made that division, philosophers for thousands of years and physicians and lawyers in more recent times hold lengthy debates about which bodily organ--the brain or the heart-- is more critical to being human.

Weaving in and out of this debate are the gentle voices of an august company of spiritual thinkers who resist these efforts to make the human being a one-sided conversation, a monologue, with either the head or the heart running the show. Our two-sidedness, our being both/and rather than either-or, means that we may be distinguishable, but we are not divisible. To be "mixed" is not to be divided; a stew is not a salad bar. The head and the heart are not only connected, but if we are to live a spiritual life, that essential connection must be nurtured and protected. How can we discover wholeness if we persist in dividing ourselves up into conflicting parts?

The American Spiritual genius Jonathan Edwards is but one of many who steadfastly opposed all efforts "to divide human nature into separate compartments of mind, will and emotion." Edwards loved to speak of "the sense of the heart": In rooting "the mind, will and emotion" in the heart, he was insisting that there is a center of human personality, so that "what we think is inevitably the product of the set of our wills, which in turn results from the basic direction of our hearts' desires."

There's obviously more. I mean, this is just four paragraphs in a book of stories and thoughts on spirituality. The part that is profound to me is the last: what we think is inevitably the product of the set of our wills, which in turn results from the basic direction of our hearts' desires.

While here in Switzerland I've been meditating and contemplating the 11th Step, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Reading this quote about what I think is inevitably a result of my own will, which is in turn the result of my heart's desires calmed me. I don't know what God's will is for me. I only know to do the best I can today, pray my focus be turned toward God, and leave the outcome, the results to God. I do know I have desires and wants. It can be a blurry place--to want a life, things, relationships, and relinquish these wants--to truly release them to what my Higher Power would want for me instead.

Are they linked? Is God's will for me the same as my own? I have no idea. I know I'm created by God, and God has given me this heart, full of desires. My will gets in the way when I'm not willing to change a behavior, be honest, be kind, tolerant and loving. When I'm not willing, I feel I am most drenched in my will. Stubborn insistence my wants and desires be met is sign for me I'm not open to what God has in store.

So, I wait. I sit and wait. I read Desert Love Prose in the form of Desert Solitaire while the weather here in Murren, Switzerland is cold, raining and cloudy. I dream of the heat the sun will grant me when I get home to sweet Arizona. I look forward with anticipation to what God has in store.

I am uncertain and unsure.

I am also willing, in this moment, to turn my entire life over to the care of God. To trust the outcome of my life to God.

And that feels safe, lovely, sweet.

No matter what book I'm reading.

Edward Abbey (v. 4)

2010-07-30T20:01:00.002-07:00

from Desert Solitaire

Has joy any survival value in the operations of evolution? I suspect that it does; I suspect that the morose and fearful are doomed quick to extinction. Where this is no joy there can be no courage; and without courage all other virtues are useless. Therefore the frogs, the toads, keep on singing even though we know, if they don't, that the sounds of their uproar must surely be luring all the snakes and ringtail cats and kit foxes and coyotes and great horned owls toward the scene of their happiness.

What then? A few of the little amphibians will continue their metamorphosis by way of the nerves and tissues of one of the higher animals, in which process the joy of one becomes the contentment of the second. Nothing is lost, except an individual consciousness here and there, a trivial perhaps even illusory phenomenon. The rest survive, mate, multiply, burrow, estivate, dream and rise again. The rains will come, the potholes shall be filled. Again. And again. And again.

I love, "where there is no joy there can be no courage." I love this book.

Honor.

2010-07-30T18:08:00.003-07:00

You died two years ago, this date. It was a Wednesday. I knew when I left you on Tuesday, I was saying goodbye for the last time. I hope you're well and flying free without pain. I hope you are soaring among the sounds of music and laughter.

I miss you.
I am grateful you were my Gramms.

My Gramma and Me, November 1979.

Mad Men.

2010-07-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

Now, I don't have cable television. I have hulu and netflix and I like it that way. I listen to npr for my news and go to www.thedailyshow.com for more substantial news coverage *giggle.* I enjoy watching Glee and Parenthood on hulu and getting television series on disc via that lovely red envelope in the mail.

I finished Season two of Mad Men June sometime, and really, really love this show. iTunes was running a special before Season four came out on AMC this month, and for only $10 I got Season three...

IT IS SO GREAT!

I think this historical drama is worth checking out, if you haven't already. The way women are portrayed, idealized, victimized, and treated is phenomenal---only forty+ years ago is this show set, and it is such a pivotal time in our country's history.

It helps the men in this show are daringly handsome. Oh, Donald Draper!!! How dreamy you are!

No links or photos in this post because I'm lazy but a shout out anyway to the awesome show that is Mad Men.

Happy Friday!

breathing. in. and. out.

2010-07-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

Words for today:

it's not about what another person does, or why he does it. it's about learning about myself and knocking down my walls. along the way, i hope to treat others with love, kindness, and tolerance.

I'm going through a little growth spurt. It's a little achy but other than the aches, I feel confident all will work out as needs to. I am well loved, and well provided for.

I cleaned to my iPod today, to a Genius Playlist from Fanfarlo and it was so so so good. While cleaning, Ambling Alp by Yeasayer came on and the lyrics proved very applicable to my growth today.

And when those thunder clouds are crying in the skies, in the skies
And when those fireflies keep shining in your eyes, in your eyes
Keep your mind for the time, with your ass on the line
Keep your feet, feet sliding to the side, to the side

Now, the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their complement of highs
And if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you
Raise your head and wear your wounds with pride

I am safe.

I am worthy.

I am without fear.

(In this moment, anyway).

Good night, world.

and the sun came out, and i wept.

2010-07-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

We've been five days in cloud and fog and rain. The sun greeted me this morning. It was a joyous, warm, exciting feeling.

Jump Around!

2010-07-28T04:53:00.001-07:00

the steps of the journey.

2010-07-26T06:40:00.005-07:00

*Note*

This is post is very image-heavy!

(and to see them larger, just click on them.)

I think total I've logged around 50 miles in Switzerland. FIFTY MILES!!!

Of course, I must quote Edward Abbey in this post...I mean, come on!! How can I talk about hiking and not mention the words of Cactus Ed?!?!?

The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key. That's the best thing about a walking, the journey itself. It doesn't much matter whether you get where your going or not. You'll get there anyway. Every good hike brings you eventually back home. Right were you started.

Last year, I didn't do a whole lot of solo hiking or adventuring on my own. A lot of the activity we did was as a family and it was amazing and wonderful! JJ and I spoke about this summer, and when I first arrived I was certain, CERTAIN!, I felt WAY more comfortable and would like to adventure on my own! And, it's been such an amazing summer in that regard! The opportunities have been phenomenal....Oh, Gratitude Flows with the hiking and moving of my body...the steps of my journey...and as I approach the next week, I begin the journey home.

Here's a photo post of the hiking experiences I've been privy to this Summer...

Bryndli Peak!! Matt Brown and I ventured out for a day hike Sunday June 30. I was drawn to this peak and its stark, dramatic landscape and Matt offered to be my own private guide. It was a great way to get my body movin' after my arrival!

Wild Flowers!!!

Posin' in the Alps.

Navigating.

Feeling Pretty on top of the World.

Zen Cows.

Blissed Layla

On July 8, we took a family hike in Zermatt to Zum See. I attempt to summit zee Matterhorn.

Zermatt Navigation

Layla as Vanna White

The first time I've had a Panache (beer & 7up!) as a refreshment after a long hike! Such a sweet treat!

More Blissed Layla

Hiking in Waist High Wild Flowers

Buried in flowers, love this!

On July 9, JJ & I went to Riffelberg above Zermatt to hike to the glacier and the lakes..We hiked at 10,000 feet....This is me silly with the goofy Swiss Cow.

the Matterhorn & God.

Sweaty Layla and the Matterhorn.

More Summiting of the Matterhorn. (it never really got old.)

JJ & Layla among the many, many Japanese tourists.

Layla & the Matterhorn, resting.

Blissed out Hike Love.

Glacier Love.

Glacier Silliness

Layla & JJ

Dueling Peaks.

We finished with a panache in Zermatt. 5dl of deliciousness.

There is a magic to sharing this place with a trusted and sweet friend. What a great adventure!!

Bliss.

On July 13, JJ and I did an overnight hike to Alpiglen. This was at Stalden, where we had a snack: cherries and almonds. Swiss cherries taste just like cherry pie filling. They're so sweet and delicious!

This is Biglenalp, where we had lunch...We had view of that waterfall for most of our hike, and it was so big and so awesome.....

See?!?

Sweet JJ, on a super rocky path en route to Kleine Sheidegg.

Me, with a giant alligator head rock formation in the background.

Super Sweaty on our arrival to Kleine Sheidegg. Man, that was one long hard push to get there!!

Clouds filling the North Face of the Eiger.

We did it, We did it, We did it, HURRAY!!!

Navigating the morning of July 14. Check out the sunrise over the valley!! We decided NOT to do Eiger Glacier trail....We're tough, but not CRAZY. :)

Layla, posing by the glacier water fall

JJ showing you what amazing snow melt we had--on July 14!!!

Filling my water bottle with fresh glacier snow melt. YES PLEASE!

Incredibly Hiking Buds!

JJ crossing an enormous ice field, which until we found out from Troy, we were certain we were crossing a glacier. No, just an ice field. Crazy scary just the same!

I'm vertical. The slope of the ice field is nearly, too. SCARY!

I was grinning like a fool!! This is inside Trummelbach falls in Lauterbrunnen on July 20. The rush of the water, 10m HIGH! Swirling and raging at such force the entire structure to look at the waterfalls hummed and vibrated. It was chilly and the water was majestic. It is a magical place!

This is looking down one of the falls. Ohmygosh, amazing. My literal prayer in my head, "God, thank you for hydrostatic bonds and hydrogen molecules and oxygen molecules and how powerful they are together." I'm TOTALLY A DORK.

Appropriate.

On the way to Obersteinberg.

Navigating to Obersteinberg.

So, I found these blueberry bushes and ate about ten or so wild blueberries and they were so so so so so good.
Then, I came across this scat filled with blueberries. It made me giggle that the wildlife was enjoying them as much as I did.

I was cracking myself up sooooo much about taking a picture of poo!!! You know you're a nurse, when......

The waterfall on the way to Obersteinberg. That peak is Breithorn.

Sweaty on the way...Such a great, great hike!

Those waterfalls.....words....try.....hard....yet.....fail......

Me, Obersteinberg Bench, Waterfall. It's a bombshell kind of life.

The trail leaving Obersteinberg on July 21. So small and so powerful and such a huge fall down, if I had tripped or misstepped...Instead, I put one foot in front of the other, and trusted the outcome to God. It was a Spiritual Experience.

Me, on top of Tenzbodali. I made it. It was frighteningly scary, and it was so gorgeous on top of this flat dance floor. My only regret is I didn't spin and dance. (I was too afraid!)

What I climbed to get to the top of Tenzbodali.

What Tenzbodali looks like---the dance floor and the shark fin

From further away..I was on TOP of that flat part...the dance floor. I ate my lunch, cherries, almonds, peanut butter and jelly and a square of dark chocolate, drank a liter of water, and watched the world. It was bliss.

Almost to Gimmelwald. I am a powerhouse of Hiking Love, Intentional Movement and Grateful Glory.

Thank you, God, Hainsies and all involved for this amazing experience. I return home in a few weeks time a changed person, remembering that 'every good hike leads me home.'

Uncertainty & Absolute Assurances.

2010-07-24T15:14:00.001-07:00

I mentioned a while ago here I was reading The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Edward Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham. It's one of those books I started months ago, got twenty pages in, and set down. Well, I brought it to Switzerland hoping to get a little more into it...

And, I'm again going to talk about Edward Abbey, as there is something deliciously linked to this book about Spirituality and Mr. Abbey's reverence and adoration for the wilderness and desert. I find I am reading them both equally and loving them both! It's a treat!!

I wanted to share this quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection. I've read it over and over today and it's sitting well with where I currently am.

But if spirituality begins as a cry for help, it becomes a way of living with--of putting up with--our human imperfection. The saints and sages insist that imperfections be accepted as imperfections because such acceptance is necessary if we are to develop a vision of life and a way of living in which those imperfections can be endured and lived with creatively. And so the 'second step' along that way involves accepting the uncertainties of life, refraining from asking for absolute assurances and abandoning demands for perfection.

I'm only 46 pages into this book which talks much of the essence of spirituality and the beginning few chapters are speaking loads about how acceptance of human imperfection is the essence of a spiritual life (obviously, given the quote and the title). What I liked so much about this quote was the mention of the 'second step' of a spiritual life: I like enumeration as it makes learning easy!

I like that I am being given guidance to accept my imperfections and with such acceptance I will live with them creatively.

I like the idea of accepting the uncertainties of life. This is hard; I go home in three weeks and am not sure what I'm going home to. My roommate got her dream job in Chicago and is moving out before I get home. I'm sad about this and feel completely powerless over the situation. In that, it's an absolute blessing. I get to be powerless and I get to not try to control the situation--Will her bathroom and her room be cleaned? Will Sonja be taken care of? Will I have a job when I get home?? There are so many uncertainties of what lies ahead. I must accept that there are uncertainties.

In this acceptance, I am reminded it is not my job to seek absolute assurances. Oh, how I want to!! I want to seek from Nate, that I'll know for sure about our future together. I want to seek from friends, that they'll always be in my life. I want assurance I worked hard for a Degree that will afford me a job I'll love and a lifestyle that will support my wants and desires. I seek from God, that I'll be okay, taken care of, happy.... There is no such thing as an absolute assurance, just as there is uncertainty in life. I believe these two are influentially linked.

I like I'm reminded to abandon my demands for perfection. Since graduation, I've found this one quite a bit easier, and being away from Home, in Switzerland, loads easier, too. I am a human. I have good qualities and bad qualities. I accept my assets are part of me, to be of Service to God and to others. And, as well, my defects are part of me, so I can turn them over to God to be used as God needs them to be uses. Do I need to show up as the asshole today? Do I need to the kind, tolerant, and loving person today? Do I just plain get to be human today, in all my imperfect glory? It's a beautiful thing to accept me as I am, and to truly believe I am the way I am because God would have it be that way. I trust God with my imperfections. I don't want to be perfect.

(It helps loads I've graduated school with that sought after 4.0 and haven't yet taken NCLEX. We'll see how I fair with this talk once I have my NCLEX date and I'm stressing about the possibility of not passing. YIKES! At least in this moment, I feel confident with demands for perfection.)

I feel blessed with where I am. On Wednesday, I received news of Noriko's amazing success and immediately was sad and terrified. I made some Skype calls to my support crew, was given great advice about sitting still, and waiting for God to show me my next step.

I prayed.
I wrote.
I prayed more.
I took an amazing shower.
Then, I went to bed.

When I woke up, I was calm. I was aware of my powerlessness and what a beautiful gift being truly powerless really is. I was certain there is nothing I can do in this moment, in my being away, that can change the situation I am in, so I gave my fear to God and went about my day.

That was Thursday morning. It's Saturday night, now, and I'm tired from a huge day in Interlaken with kiddos all around, rain and clouds socking us in, and a headache that's threatening migraine.

With all of that, the worry and anxiety I felt Wednesday night has not returned.

I've felt serenity, peace and calm. This is magical and miraculous! Even though I'm not given certainties and assurances, I am blessed with a life so full and rewarding .

Joy.

Edward Abbey (version three)

2010-07-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

This quote is so appropriate given my current love of reading and how veracious I've been as of late...

The best thing about graduating from the university was that I finally had time to sit on a log and read a good book

Thanks, Cactus Ed. I'm enjoying reading about your life, and reading your wisdom and especially enjoying reading Desert Solitaire. I find it appropriate I am studying Ed Abbey with as much vigor as I once tackled my nursing classes...

daddy words.

2010-07-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

I am gifted by the best and kindest father figure. For all intents and purposes, when I speak of Terry, I call him 'my dad.' He is just that, in so many ways, guiding me with his life experience, saying the right thing at the right time and in the greatest parental influence, always, and I do mean always, being there.

Terry is consistent, fun, kind, and a great example of living with compassion, enthusiasm and acceptance.

I am blessed to call him 'Dad.' At least behind his back, anyway. I don't dare call him 'Dad' to his face. :) (It's a decision we came together.)

I sent out an email update of my time in Switzerland early this week, and this was his reply:

WELL LITTLE GIRL,IT SOUNDS TO ME AS IF YOU HAVE FOUND THE REWARDS OF HAVING THE NERVE TO PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER IN A STRAIGHT LINE INSTEAD OF ALWAYS IN A CIRCLE, TO YOUR LIKING. YOU MIGHT BE STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHY MARCO POLO, ERNEST HEMINGWAY AND YOUR OWN TERRY THE TRAMP DECIDED TO TRAVEL IN A STRAIGHT LINE A LITTLE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE DO. THE LATTER OF THE THREE YOU WILL RAPIDLY SURPASS IF YOU KEEP GOING AT THE RATE YOU ARE AS FAR AS MILES GO, BUT I STILL HAVE THE LEAD WHEN IT COMES TO DIVERSITY OF MODES AND DESTINATIONS. IT IS NOT JUST WHERE YOU GET TO GO BUT THE PEOPLE YOU GET TO KNOW. LIKE ALWAYS. T

In recovery, I've learned that God shows up in other people. It is through the wisdom of others, God can show up and speak to me. When someone as special and influential as my Terry-dad is as insightful as he is, it is an example of how God is ridiculously powerful in the way God shows up in my life.

I glisten with gratitude.

Empty the Glass of your Desire

2010-07-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

by Rumi.

Join yourself to friends
and know the joy of the soul.
Enter the neighborhood of ruin
with those who drink to the dregs.

Empty the glass of your desire
so that you won't be disgraced.
Stop looking for something out there
and begin seeing within.

Open your arms if you want an embrace.
Break the earthen idols and release the radiance.
Why get involved with a hag like this world?
You know what it will cost.

And three pitiful meals a day
is all that weapons and violence can earn.
At night when the Beloved comes
will you be nodding on opium?

If you close your mouth to food,
you can know a sweeter taste.
Our Host is no tyrant. We gather in a circle.
Sit down with us beyond the wheel of time.

Here is the deal: give one life
and receive a hundred.
Stop growling like dogs,
and know the shepherd's care.

You keep complaining about others
and all they owe you?
Well, forget about them;
just be in His presence.

When the earth is this wide,
why are you asleep in a prison?
Think of nothing but the source of thought.
Feed the soul; let the body fast.

Avoid knotted ideas;
untie yourself to a higher world.
Limit your talk
for the sake of timeless communion.

Abandon life and the world,
and find the life of the world.

Nate emailed me this Rumi yesterday. It feels ridiculously appropriate and wildly lovely to be given the gift of poetry from my Sweet, words so influential to where I am right now. I especially appreciate the lines, "Stop growling like dogs, and know the Shepherd's care."

Today, we're in our second day of socked-in cloud, fog & rain. It's very cold and new snow is on the mountain views. We're headed to Interlaken to hopefully escape the weather, and give the kiddos something fun to do at Mystery Park--a wild and fun all-ages kiddo play area! I am grateful for the moment, gifted with awareness to be Present, Willing and Awake.

I will 'Stop looking for something out there and begin looking within.'
Hope you all are well.

(Thank you, Nate, for the Rumi insight.)

webs.

2010-07-19T10:59:00.001-07:00

There is something pretty amazing about the spider webs here in Switzerland.
Especially when they're covered in cloud and dew on a foggy day.

Edward Abbey (version two)

2010-07-19T00:30:00.006-07:00

I read this last night and nearly cried.
Appropriate lovely writing has landed in my hands. Thank you, Kate, for suggesting this book to me.

From Desert Solitaire:

I am pleased enough with the surfaces - in fact they alone seem to me to be of much importance. Such things for example as the grasp of a child's hand in your own, the flavor of an apple, the embrace of a friend or lover, the silk of a girl's thigh, the sunlight on the rock and leaves, the feel of music, the bark of a tree, the abrasion of granite and sand, the plunge of clear water into a pool, the face of the wind - what else is there? What else do we need?

Edward Abbey.

2010-07-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

I've fallen in love with Mr. Abbey and I've only slightly tapped the caverns of his writing.
I wanted to post one more little niblet.

From a speech he gave to environmentalists in 1976:

One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.

How am I only discovering Mr. Abbey now???? Oh, I know---because I've finally finished the rigors of Nursing school and am able to throw my mind into the love of writing I so have---I must be ready for Edward Abbey.

Grateful For What I Have.

2010-07-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

Today's Daily Reflections is so spot on!

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.12 & 12, p. 75
Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need also to ask for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will. Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

I am having a fabulous time in Switzerland. It's days filled with amazing company, whole foods nourishing my body, and the scenery and air that is revitalizing my breath! I'm hiking so much and am very active. My body is responding hugely to this lifestyle.

In all of it, I'm very grateful. My prayers to God are consistently of the 'thank you, thank you, thank you, God' variety. It's a beautiful space to be in.

With that said, I am trying to not go to the place where I'm aware I don't have much of a job to come home to, my finances are just about gone, and I'm not sure what's going to happen with my roommate or my home. Do I move to San Diego?? Do I try to stay in Prescott? Will the NCLEX people get my Able To Test code to me so I can pick my stinking test date?!?!

In all of that, I'm realizing it's ESSENTIAL I find the gratitude to stay in today, be humble, and seek the next indicated thing from my higher power. Today, the next indicated thing is to help some kiddos with snack time, and enjoy the cool mountain air, the clouds, these Alpine peaks.

I'm doing my best to let go of my fear and to remember that Faith replaces Fear. Thank Goodness....

I hope you all are doing well, enjoying wherever it is you are.

I finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson and HIGHLY recommend it and now, this Arizona girl is finally getting her hands on some Edward Abbey. I've started Desert Solitaire and so far, HOOKED...

I leave you with this Edward Abbey quote, from The Journey Home:

There are some good things to be said about walking. Not many, but some. Walking takes longer, for example, than any other known form of locomotion except crawling. Thus it stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed. I have a friend who's always in a hurry; he never gets anywhere. Walking makes the world much bigger and thus more interesting. You have time to observe the details. The utopian technologists foresee a future for us in which distance is annihilated. … To be everywhere at once is to be nowhere forever, if you ask me

I think I've found a new favorite in the radical and influential Mr. Abbey. Excited!! I hope to share more about hiking in this amazing place, and to share the experiences I've been having. Time and a wobbly internet connection keeps me unable...For now, know I'm thankful for friendships that last, despite distance and time away.

LOVE!

I HEART MTV EUROPE.

2010-07-11T03:49:00.000-07:00

Some sweet goodness from a little MTV Europe.

Overflowing Cups.

2010-07-11T02:51:00.000-07:00

I'm having difficulty describing my gratitude with words definitive enough to show how big and huge my gratitude is.

The Bible's always a good standby:

Psalm 23:5 (King James Version)
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

I hope to post more about Zermatt. It was an incredible experience. Now, I'm off to finish cleaning one living space and moving into another living space, tackling the laundry, and aiming to get some studying in.

I feel so blessed I'm not going to stress about not having words enough to describe the contentedness of the Blessedness. I am going to enjoy, embrace, and be darn enthusiastic about how Blessed this life feels.

God timing.

2010-07-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

From today's Daily Reflections

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 76
When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This “evil and corroding thread” is the root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of others’ opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power, who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of A.A. in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, and then I ask God to relieve me of that fear.

God is amazing to me.....I love that my life experience can be one of freedom and joy when I recognize fear does not have to rule me.
I do NOT have to be afraid.

instant Kaffee.

2010-07-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I've posted...Life has been busy and the internet connection has been hit or miss. Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don't and when I do have it, it's on the nights I'm so tired the thought of sitting down for an email or blogpost just feels so 'that much more exhausting' that I close my computer, curl up with a book and head to sleep.

I am in heaven here. It's so amazing and bright. The world is alive--the rocks alive with the rush of water on them. The flowers are so fragrant and plentiful. The slugs and snails are everywhere (as are the flies. Pesty little buggers.) After it rains, and the clouds part, the lines from mountain top and sky are so crisp! It's like the peaks got a bath.

The Kaffee is as delicious as I remember it. Now, I'm down in the efficiency apartment taking the morning to myself and having some Instant Kaffee. It's so delicious. Even the 'just add hot water and stir' stuff is worth mentioning. (Though I didn't photograph it. :)

I had about 200 photos on my camera from my first few days out and about and I don't know what happened to them--they're gone. So, I've been uploading to my computer and to picasa every few days so that doesn't happen again. I know the memories aren't gone, but I sure do love having pictures of each day we're out and about so there is a sense of loss. The scenery will still be here and I'm okay about the loss, however it happened.

I cleaned for Denise at Chalet Fontana Friday past and it was fun! About an hour of work, and that was that. She's very sweet and super flexible.

I've been reading a lot. I finished The Red Tent by Anita Diamant and I know I read this book about eight years ago; I remember hardly anything from it so I'm thrilled I read it again. It celebrated Womanhood, Family and Strength. I really enjoyed it. I started The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson a few days ago, and it's such a different style of book it's taking me a bit longer to get into it. I think I'll enjoy it; it's just been a long time since I've read a murder-mystery style novel.

I've been able to study some while I'm here, too. I bought The Princeton Review's NCLEX-Review Book, thanks to my dear friend Alison's Christmas gift of the Babycakes Cookbook which I already had. This review book is awesome. It's like a workbook for nursing. Fill in the blank, matching, labeling, true/false, about fifteen to twenty NCLEX-style questions for each chapter. It's FUN. It's fun because I'm doing well, and recalling a lot. I feel confident when I get back to the States all will align as it needs to and I'll be able to crank out a successful NCLEX appearance. I'm hopeful.

God's showing up amazingly here. I've been praying morning and night on my knees and that habit has always, always, been helpful to center me to God's will for my life. I've been continuing each Sunday to study the 11th step, and have been loving it. I've had these amazing epiphanies and learning moments with regard to acceptance, tolerance, and love.

I miss my friends in Prescott and that amazing man in San Diego, and I think often how I'd like to share this adventure with them. I see the mountain peaks and after an incredibly amazing hike, I cried tears of joy at my accomplishment, ability and the beauty of the world God sees fit for me to play.

Last year, I was scared here. I didn't branch out a whole lot. This year, it feels different. I'm not afraid I don't know Swiss German. I'm not afraid if my accent is terrible; I'll still say 'Greutzi' and 'Gut Morga.' I am enjoying the people in this beautiful village and enjoying so much the gift that is this experience.

I don't know what life is going to be like when I get back to Prescott. I think about it sometimes, and feel certain I'm going to pack my home up, move to San Diego, and begin a life with Nate. I think about it other times, and feel panicky, scared, and totally anxious I'm going to be broke, homeless and without anything. The vacillation of these thoughts is dizzying.

I am reminded often I am given a life to live. My life includes a six-week adventure in a country I never anticipated going to with such bounty and blessing. And I'm here--FOR A SECOND TIME! I am reminded that up until this moment, I've been given all I've ever needed. It's just so happened that it's looked how I've wanted it to, for the most part, and I've adapted pretty well.

(Or, at least that's how it looks on reflection. I imagine I've been stubborn and resistant to most big changes in my life--why this would be any different, I'm not sure. I pray for the Grace to show up as God needs me to show up--to honor God, be of service to other's and seek God's will. In that way, I know I can't do wrong.)

When I come home in August, I don't know what life will look like, and that scares me.

It's not any different than my life up to this point. I have to remind myself: enjoy what is, and get back to breathing and taking in this beautiful life.

I am blessed.

Glory Night.

2010-06-24T13:37:00.001-07:00

This is the view from my porch tonight. The Eiger at Sunset.
I am blessed.

I'm tired and yet not sleepy, the irony of jetlag.
I hear the family upstairs awake and feel bad sweet Owen and sweet Sidney are not going down for the night.
There is something very, very honest about children adjusting to travel and jetlag.
Adults, we're forced to handle it and be tough about it--do the things the day demands of us.
But, kids? They want to sleep and they need to sleep, so they do.
Except at night.

It's chilly here.
The highs are in the low-60s and the lows are in the mid-40s. My feet are cold.
(It's also 2230 and it IS cold...of course I'd be chilly! :)

I checked the Arizona Board of Nursing website today and noticed my application for license has been received but my citizenship documation hasn't. Which doesn't make sense, as I sent my birth certificate with my application. I feel a little powerless--that I can't do anything about it RIGHT NOW so that feels yucky.

But, I did send an email and hopefully it is fixable, and I'll still be able to be an RN.

Also, there is a British Inn Keeper here in Murren named Denise that asked Troy to let me know if I'd be interested in any extra work she'd hire me for about three hours a week to do some cleaning! How great would that be?? I'm hoping to chat with her tomorrow about her needs and want to make sure it works with the family and all involved but the pay is awesome and it would be a huge relief (*sigh!*) to actually come home with more money than I would if this weren't an opportunity! We'll see what happens!!

The food is great. JJ does an awesome job in the kitchen and we eat phenomenally. Tonight we had a vegetable saute (onion, garlic, eggplant, potato, zucchini, chickpeas & [normal]peas) with this Tandoori Curry sauce mixed with a bit of coconut milk. All served atop brown rice. YUM. A chocolate square (or two) for dessert with some Chamomile with Lavendar tea. So wonderful.

I'm about to do some cruches, actually.
:)

I hope you all are doing well, and enjoying the Summer as it unfolds.
I am so blessed, and hope Blessings surround you as well, too.

Oh, here's today's Reminder from God:

"Soon you will truly be able to do all things through Me and My Strength."

What an awesome reminder as I'm sitting here possibly very near stressing out about my license application and knowing the amazing mountains are right outside. God will provide. I can do all things through God and with God's strength.

Blessed.

Fear & Faith.

2010-06-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hello from Houston!

I've begun my adventure yesterday with a (very, very) early alarm wake-up, last minute detail packing, a heartfelt, sweet goodbye to Noriko, a smooch to my darling Sonja, and a drive to Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. Nate was in town for a few days to help see me off and he drove me down to the airport on his way home to San Diego. I'm so grateful for his last minute help---I learned a few years ago that with anxiety it helped a great deal to have someone put his hands on my back. Just calmly place his hands on my back. I've never told Nate this, and in the middle of packing, he came up to me, and placed his left hand over my heart and his right hand over my back and just stood there, holding me. The anxiety I was feeling immediately calmed, and I finished my packing and was in bed by the time I hoped. I'm grateful for his presence in my life.

My flight to Houston was quick! I even got some NCLEX studying in!! (I'm super proud of myself for this, as I haven't cracked a study text for six weeks. YIKES!) I landed at 1130a Texas time and was picked up by JJ & Sidney. I immediately felt the thick, humid Houston air. (I come from a dry heat, y'all.)

Houston is a neat city! JJ's from West University City, not far from Montrose (where we had sushi tonight). We drove by the Rothko Chapel and I look forward to coming back and seeing the inside of this awesome place--we missed the hours by twenty minutes! I've noticed that the sky isn't as big as my Prescott sky. I feel scrunched and smooshed without the hills and views. The trees limit what I can see and it's a weird feeling. I feel quite small in this Houston city.

Today's Summer Solstice. The longest day of the year!! I love this day. I love what it symbolizes--we've made it half way through winter, the cold and the dark nights. Now, we're on the down swing and days will get shorter, but it's officially Summer now. It's hot. And, oh this Arizona girl loves the hot! Even the thick humidity of the Houston heat isn't so bad. (I mean, it's awfully hot, but it's Summer! It's suppose to be!) I'm excited for the longer nights of Switzerland. Troy reminded me it doesn't get dark until 2200!! WOW!

We leave tomorrow at 1620. We leave from George Bush Intercontinental Airport and head to Heathrow in London--we'll land at 0730 on Wednesday June 23, just in time for some delicious coffee. Oh, coffee, how I love you so. From London, we fly to Zurich and will land in Switzerland at 1230p Wednesday. From Zurich, we rent a VAN. (Three adults and two kids plus luggage for the Summer requires a VAN. :) The Van will take us to Stechelberg, where we'll survey how everyone's doing and either head up to the village, Murren, and get our Summer digs ready, or we'll stay at the Alpenhof for the night. We have a busy day of travel ahead, and truth be told, I'm tired.

I'm glad we're flying at night. The kiddos will be ready for sleep and so will I--I hope sleep will be comfortable. The flight itself will be a long one--a little over nine hours. Ha. I can do that in my sleep! (Let's hope.)

I started this awesome new book Sought Through Prayer and Meditation. It's a Hazelden book with a weekly focus on the Eleventh Step (We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.) The book is a weekly focus with stories and information, followed by a prayer and a meditation.

So far, it's awesome! I wanted to share the prayer and meditation with you for this week.

Prayer
Dear God, as I begin this journey each day to seek a closer conscious contact with you, my Higher Power, let me not rely on any changes that have already taken place in me, any reconstruction that you have done in my life until now. For by choosing my will over yours, all of that can be gone in a single breath. Therefore, please give me the grace to rely only on you, your will for me, your love and caring. May I continue seeking knowledge of your will and the power to carry that out, one day at a time.
Meditation
The power of God grows within me as I continue to seek God’s will.

I love having a spiritual focus while I'm away. Last year, my spiritual life in Switzerland grew immensely. I came home focused and at peace. I also knew with a lot of certainty and assurance what I was coming home to. This year, it's entirely different. A lot of my fear is due to what life will be like in August when I get home. I have no idea!! The idea of having an assignment to improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power and to truly seek my Higher Power's will for my life is exciting. It helps alleviate the fear I'm having and helps me be in the moment.

There is one thing certain about this adventure ahead: I will only be of service, of utmost and beneficial service, when I'm present and in the moment. It's in the moment that my life is meant to be lived. I have fear about what the future holds but really?? I'M NOT IN THE FUTURE. I'm here. Now. In this moment.

Today's Daily Reflections summed up my feelings so well.

The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other condition of insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion – well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 263
Fear has caused suffering when I could have had more faith. There are times when fear suddenly tears me apart, just when I’m experiencing feelings of joy, happiness and a lightness of heart. Faith–and a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power -helps me endure tragedy and ecstasy. When I choose to give all of my fears over to my Higher Power, I will be free.

I love what this reading reminds me about having Faith. Faith is defined as "a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power." Merriam-Webster defines Faith as "complete trust." I love the idea that Faith in my Higher Power is feeling WORTH and COMPLETE TRUST in my Higher Power. In my humanity, all I can do is try to completely trust my Higher Power. I believe it's possible--to the best of my ability.

And as Feist reminds me in Mushaboom:

And we'll collect the moments one by one/

I guess that's how the future's done

I'm headed to bed now on this warm Summer Solstice night. Happy Summer, everyone. When I write next I'll be in the Alpine air of Switzerland with yet another strengthened, and hopefully fresh, perspective.

Blessings!

Sweet Arizona Love.

2010-06-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Becky.
What a Treat.

we're little love balls connecting with each other.

2010-06-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

I leave in a few minutes for a much anticipated hang out sesh hike with the Birthday Friend, Becky. I'm very excited for some serious outside time today and a chance to have one-on-one time with my Darling. I am going through some stuff and noticing about myself that I'm keeping 'the stuff' at a distance. I'm putting off looking at it all and feeling it all because I just don't want to. Mad Men is much more entertaining (I just finished Season Two--WATCH THIS SHOW!)

I have putting my relationship with God off. I've been neglecting the Spiritual Connectedness that fuels me.
I'm aware of it.

I read this today and it helped me feel excited to get on my knees to connect again. It really is the little things:
Today's Daily Reflections:

We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 7
Open-mindedness to concepts of a Higher Power can open doors to the spirit. Often I find the human spirit in various dogmas and faiths. I can be spiritual in the sharing of myself. The sharing of self joins me to the human race and brings me closer to God, as I understand Him.

I need not fear God and I need only rely on God. My humanity gets in the way of such simplicity. Being with a friend who shares similar spiritual connectivity and a big, wide Arizona sky will help me process the 'stuff' I have swirling about in my head. I'm grateful God doesn't give up on me.